Three weeks ago, the adults of Fauxhasset put their collective foot down and sent the teachers back to work in our schools, simultaneously ending the 120-year teacher strike and the independent governance of the Fenclave (formerly an independent nation state, formerly formerly [and now once again] Fauxhasset Middle-High School).
Students of the middle/high school seceded from the Town four years ago after failing to elect Tom Brady as President of the United States. Ever since, they have been governed by Patriots second-string quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo – or so we thought.
Now, however, the truth comes out that Garoppolo was not even President of the Fenclave for a full year before being traded to the San Francisco 49ers. Leadership passed to Vice President Zane Harris.
Harris revealed this shocking info and much, much more in an exclusive interview with the Paroder this past weekend, following an anonymous tip from a part-time Waffle House employee who had noticed former Fenclave citizens gathering in the fast-casual temporal-spatial anomaly.
The tipster could not go into details due to an NDA Waffle House employees sign at hire.
“Let’s just say there have been a lot more young adults hanging out here in the past three weeks, including a certain former president,” reported the tipster. “I think they’d have a lot to say if you happened to drop by and purchase a party platter of hash browns, scattered on the grill, COVERED in melted cheese, and CHUNKED with hickory smoked ham.”
Well of course, thinking “certain former president” could only mean Jimmy himself, your reporter dutifully did her nails, put on makeup, curled her hair, and showed up at 5:00 Sunday to place the order. Imagine my surprise when my “date” turned out to be 21-year-old Zane Harris and his executive cabinet.
But disappointment quickly turned to journalistic fervor upon learning that Harris had secretly been Fenclave President this whole time and was now prepared to tell all.
Since a certain part-time employee kept the hash browns coming for hours (maybe even days… weeks? Possibly years), we were able to have a good long chat about what was really going on in the Fenclave these last four years.
FP: Why did the Fenclave hide the fact that its president had left?
ZH: We knew our parents would never give us a chance to build our utopia if they knew we were doing it all without “adult supervision.” So we kept up the charade in order to fulfill our vision. We hoped that the adults of Fauxhasset would feel differently once we had proof of concept for our youth-led humanitarian innovation hub.
For example, during the Thousand-Foot Snow, we exported produce from our perpetual growth garden to keep the people of Fauxhasset from starving. We also built tunnels to distribute that produce, access and serve the town’s elderly population, and enable the carrier squirrels to deliver mail. All while also keeping public servants fed, including police and Panic Brigade members, during that trying time.
When Ord Girdlehyde poisoned the water table with the world’s glitteriest glitter, we developed a new purification method and sold the unwanted glitter nationwide in the form of festive décor, vengeance glitter bombs, and proprietary sparkling water.
And when Father Timeraptor disrupted the space-time continuum, instantly aging everyone in town by 50 years, we stepped up to govern Fauxhasset through the Oldpocalypse while its elected leaders were too senile to do so. We then successfully tracked down the timeraptor and reversed what he’d done, even though it meant handing the reins of governance back to the Assembly of Chosen.
Unfortunately, our achievements and good deeds done for the Town of Fauxhasset were not enough to overpower the old-fashioned prejudice that young adults are more “young” than they are “adults,” and cannot be trusted with the kind of independent responsibility we’ve enjoyed for the last four years.
FP: You kept up the charade successfully for almost three years. Why do you think it fell apart now?
ZH: After we created the iHorus bartering app to save Fauxhasset from Champagnevirus Disease, we thought it would be safe to pull back the curtain and let everyone see what was really going on.
On top of that, the acting president – yours truly – finally turned 21 in May, so we didn’t think they’d be able to play the “no adult supervision” card anymore. I can’t believe they’re making me go to college now, when I could be out here in the real world doing so much more.
FP: Have you and the other graduates been able to get into college on such short notice?
ZH: It’s been really hard. Everything happened so suddenly, after colleges had already started the term. Some of us are lucky enough to be starting in December or studying online immediately. Others will have to twiddle their thumbs until next September to take this next step in their lives. Such a tragic waste of time.
FP: Have you heard anything from the underclassmen who are now attending traditional high school classes?
ZH: Yes, and I can’t say any of them are happy about it. The militarization of the school environment – guards at the doors, enforced study hall – has been extremely upsetting and stressful for many former citizens, who used to consider this place their home.
I’ve also heard a lot of concerns about the teachers being “off.”
It’s not just that they’re old after being on strike for 120 years, although that’s definitely a factor. Everything from outdated subject matter to tech illiteracy to classroom philosophy and youth psychology – a lot is missing in these new old-fashioned classrooms.
But when my constituents say “off,” they are talking about something fundamentally wrong about these immortal teachers. Something… uncanny.
They move a little weird. They talk a little weird. They smell a little weird. No one has ever seen them eat. The gym teacher wears a military-grade helmet even when he’s not teaching. We have a lot of concerns, but the adults won’t listen to us after we lied to them about Jimmy for all those years.
FP: Speaking of lying about Jimmy, how do you explain the public appearances we’ve seen from him in the past three years?
ZH: This was a real stroke of genius. As you know, alien physiology is fluid and they can change their appearance at will. We had a student volunteer to take on Jimmy’s voice and features for public appearances, as well as to negotiate our purchase of property in the Harbor Overlay District.
FP: We never heard about the Fenclave buying property in the harbor.
ZH: Don’t worry about it.
FP: OK then. Can you comment on any of the conspiracy theories surrounding the fall of the Fenclave?
We do not believe there was any “plot to take us down” by the adults of Fauxhasset. It was our decision to let the truth about Jimmy make its way out into the world. We felt the time was right.
The community has often judged and critiqued us for doing things our own way, only to realize we’ve had it right all along, and they are the ones who need our help. Clearly this has not changed.
Would we have loved to keep doing what we were doing, in the location where we’d always done it? Sure, of course. But the Fenclave is much more than a building, and just because we can’t go there anymore, doesn’t mean our good work has come to an end.
Whatever else happens, at least we will always have Waffle House.
By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Fauxhasset Paroder 
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