Fauxhasset Paroder, 103rd Edition: Should Schools Get Old-School?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Usually by this point in September, routine has settled in over Fauxhasset’s four schools – that is, the middle/high school, now an independent nation known as the Fenclave; Steer Mill upper elementary school; and the divided lower elementary schools, Captain America’s School for the Awesome and Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

However, things are anything but settled, and the lack of teachers – now on strike for almost 118 years – isn’t helping matters. Parents are now demanding intervention by Superintendent Vetsy DaBoss, saying that the time for Professorless Independent Education (PIE™) is past.

“It’s time to put teachers back in our children’s classrooms,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh. “The new fourth-graders are out of control. Dooey Lembas and X-Ray Xanadu are trying to turn Steer Mill into the same kind of circus show they had going down at the lower elementary schools. That’s just not a good learning environment for the other kids, and we adults need to step in.”

Diamond ScytheSpeaking of the lower elementary schools, the children have completely lost focus on their studies and it’s all thanks to one student at Princess Elsa’s, who has decided she wants to do more with her life than just turn the boys at her rival school into snowflakes.

The second-grader changed her name from Princess Diamanda Sparkleopoulos to The Diamond Scythe and is now leading a campaign to merge the lower elementary schools back into a single entity, as they were back in the early days of the teacher strike.

“The boys are learning all sorts of useful skills over at their superhero training grounds,” said the Diamond Scythe. “Meanwhile, the girls are basically just learning how to sit around looking pretty. I mean, turning stuff into snow and ice is kinda cool, but not when it’s summer all the time.”

The other princesses aren’t completely ready to follow the Diamond Scythe’s lead, and the boys of Captain America’s may not be ready to accept her, either.

“We’re princesses,” clarified second-grader Victoria Primrose. “We shouldn’t have to fight bad guys. Let the boys take care of that. We’ll be having tea and taking care of our unicorns – WHICH, Diamanda, is in fact a ‘useful skill.’ You know the unicorns will die without us.”

In addition to upheaval at the elementary schools, the Fenclave is facing a severe overcrowding problem, since students are graduating but refusing to leave. With the perpetual growth garden in the courtyard, food isn’t an issue, but space is becoming one, and with it, so is hygiene.

However, since the Fenclave is an independent nation now, there’s not much we can do to force anyone to move on to college. President Jimmy Garoppolo, looking as pretty and hygienic as ever, said the Fenclave has a plan to increase its living capacity without negotiating any land-taking from neighbors, but declined to go into details on said plan at this time.

Regarding these various issues and parents’ desire to see teachers back in schools, Superintendent DaBoss is also keeping her lips zipped for now – although to be fair, that’s kind of how she always keeps them, even when she is talking. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 95th Edition: FEALs Feels

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The liberals are revolting. And we mean that as a present participle, not as a statement of character. There is an actual revolt taking place outside the Temple, where the Assembly of Chosen has been besieged by supporters of FEALs, the Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders.

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Not being allowed to vote is giving this young liberal ALL the feels. | Photo credit 

After Father Timeraptor restored the Chosen to their proper ages, the board resumed its regular meetings as if nothing had happened. It has already filled the two seats that were vacated by members who died of old age during the Oldpocalypse.

Those seats are now occupied by incredibly lifelike wax figures of their former occupants, Jiles Knack and Gene Strom. At the start of Tuesday’s meeting, Town Moderator Norm Lacostradamus conducted a séance and placed Knack and Strom’s spirits inside their respective wax figures, so the models are even sentient, although their mouths don’t move when they speak.

The self-appointed Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) is having none of it.

“We governed and guided Fauxhasset through the Oldpocalypse while everyone else was either freaking out or napping,” said Zane Harris, vice president of the Fenclave, who served as interim Town Manager.

“No one is looking to replace Mown Tanager or the three Chosen who survived the Oldpocalypse,” added Harris, “but it’s a little shocking that they went ahead and filled those seats with glorified puppets rather than bring in some new blood. There should have at least been a vote. It’s bad democracy.”

FEALs has drummed up a lot of support from the town’s schoolchildren, from whose ranks its members had appointed themselves. They have so far failed to attract older voters, but they do have two things on their side: Sheer numbers, and completely vacant schedules, since they are all on summer vacation.

That means they are completely free to gather, plot, scheme, campaign, and besiege their elders, even if they are not actually old enough to cast votes themselves at the “Fair and Just Democratic Election” they’re demanding.

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Morty Lembas, a rising senior at the Fenclave, speaks for many students when he says he wishes he could vote. “My parents won’t let me do anything since my little brother got eaten by a pothole,” Lembas said. | Photo credit

“We might be young, but we took care of Fauxhasset for three whole months, and that should count for something,” said Lieutenant Lava, a student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome who served on the FEALs from April through July.

“We started the new political party ‘Make Life Fair Again’ to bring back justice and democracy,” Lava said. “We hope the town will do the right thing and join us in our fight for a fair election.”

Police said they cannot arrest or remove the children camped out around the Temple as long as their protest remains nonviolent. They have partnered with the Panic Brigade to air drop supplies into the Temple for the 17 employees and elected officials trapped inside.

Two members of the media, this reporter and broadcast technician Miiike “Jax” Jackson, were allowed to walk free, as FEALs felt it was important to maintain positive relations with the press.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 78th Edition: The Return of the Groundhog

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Groundhog Day came and went with the normal amount of fanfare. Punxsutawney Phil made his customary appearance on the Common, emerging from the Hallowed Burrow to prophesy six more weeks of winter to the thousands of residents listening raptly on the Town Common.

Fauxsutawney Fil, a large raccoon who claimed to be the reincarnation of the original groundhog RALPH and last year triggered the Thousand Foot Snow, was long gone through the Accursed Burrow. Fauxhasset believed it was safe from anything more sinister than another 42 days of winter.

It was wrong.

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Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone says residents’ discarded cash will boost the nation-state’s fledgling economy. | Photo credit

Just as the festivities were dying down, the stars began to keen and a steady womp-womp-womp could be heard in the distance. An unnaturally large blue moon appeared in the west to face down the small, pale gibbous rising in the east.

Soon the massive impostor raccoon appeared on the horizon, silhouetted against the uncanny blue moon and flanked by his multi-specied worshippers (including 13 indestructible porcupines, which were supposed to ensure Fauxhasset never saw the impostor raccoon again, but had apparently been converted to Fil’s cause).

“My fellow Fauxhassians,” Fil boomed. “Last year, you drove me out of your fine town, being displeased with the eternal winter I so benevolently bestowed upon you. This year, I will do better. Phil has promised you six more weeks of winter. I now promise you that winter is hereby over – forever.”

“Cold? Snow? Things of the past,” Fil promised. “Instead, I give you warmth, sunshine, and Christmas every day!”

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Not like this was a rare sight, anyway. | Photo credit

Explosive applause from the children. As for the adults, those gathered seemed uncertain whether or not to cheer. Many began to clap at the mention of permanent paradise weather, only to freeze up at the mention of permanent Christmas. Other simply downed their drinks and threw their cash in the air.

“Eh, we were just going to burn it to keep our home warm for the next six weeks, anyway,” explained one celebrant. “Not sure Christmas every day will eat through it fast enough.”

Fil and his congregation returned peacefully to the Womp, while befuddled residents trailed back to their homes. Students of the Fenclave stayed late into the night raking up all the cash with the help of the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG).

“I am constantly blown away by the disrespect these people show to the environment,” said GREG Chairman Kelvin Ermits. “All this litter – we provided receptacles for paper, plastic and glass at every exit! How much easier can we make it?”

Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone said, “I think the thing we need to address, and no one is talking about this – but all this paper is actually, like, money. I mean, it’s old money. We can’t, like, Venmo it or anything. But Prezzy Jimmy says it has legit value, so we’re collecting it to add to our burgeoning economy.”

“Hey,” Blackstone added, looking over her shoulder to Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo for guidance. “Do colleges take this stuff?”