By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Galaneia’s Grotto, the underwater yoga studio that replaced the zero-gravity studio Infinity Yoga after the black hole in the harbor collapsed, has had to expand its hours to remain open 24/7 to keep up with demand for its gentle flow yoga classes.
Owner Rainbow Moon said it was a difficult decision. “I know as well as anybody in Fauxhasset that nothing good happens after 8:00 p.m.,” Moon told the Paroder. “I did not take this decision lightly.”
After much consultation with higher powers, Moon said she reached the conclusion that it would be in the best interest of the community to keep the studio open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for as long as everyone in town is stuck being old.
“I consulted with Poseidon, ascended through five circles of heaven to ask for guidance, and spent many hours in meditative discussion with my business loan officer before concluding that this would serve both the community and my bottom line,” said Moon.
She said that the gentle flow yoga has been in demand because of its focus on slowly stretching and breathing, perfect for creaky old bodies – especially ones that were neither creaky nor old just a couple of months back.
“It’s been a difficult transition for the whole town,” Moon said. “We at Galaneia’s Grotto hope to make it flow a little smoother for everyone.”
Before a typical class at the Grotto, practitioners can be seen preparing their bodies and minds on the docks and beaches surrounding the harbor. Moon explained that they are working toward a meditative state where it is no longer necessary for them to breathe oxygen.
This, she said, is necessary because the Grotto is not a physical structure that would protect practitioners from the water; it is simply a name for the section of the harbor floor where classes are held. Therefore, students must tap into their primordial instincts for breathing underwater if they wish to fully participate.
Those who achieve the appropriate mindset during the session, Moon said, are selected and ceremoniously submerged by the enigmatic instructor Misty Hafgufa, an individual described by students as having seven limbs and often using the catchphrase, “Let’s get kraken!”
Students sometimes disappear for just minutes, sometimes for hours, and even, on occasion, for more than a day. All, however, have returned in good health – indeed, in better health than before. However, none will speak of the events that transpired while they were underwater.
Anyone with information on this matter is encouraged to reach out to the Paroder. Anonymous tips are also welcome.