Fauxhasset Paroder, 99th Edition: Students Wax Political

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Fauxhasset has always been diverse. We have Gnaw’s shoppers and Cop & GOP shoppers, white wine drinkers and red wine drinkers, country club guys and yacht club guys, soccer moms and football moms, Patriots fans and Red Sox fans.

We live with these tiny civil wars daily; they are a part of us. But today, this peaceful, perfect hamlet by the sea was nearly plunged into a true civil war when children and adults failed to see eye-to-eye about how the town should be run.

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RIP, Gene and Jiles. | Photo credit

One month ago, the Assembly of Chosen filled two vacated seats that opened up when former Chosens Gene Strom and Jiles Knack passed away during the Oldpocalypse. The new occupants were simply wax figures of the former Chosen, possessed with their reincarnated spirits.

But members of the Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs), which governed Fauxhasset through the Oldpocalypse, had hoped to be represented on the board, or at least see the matter put to a vote. When this did not happen, they placed the Temple under siege, demanding a fair and just democratic process.

Now, with just six days left of summer vacation, the children are taking more drastic measures. The divided lower elementary schools – Captain America’s School for the Awesome and Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes – have united for the first time in 100 years to march on the Temple and demand justice.

For decades, parents have been unsure just what their children have been learning at these schools. The teachers have been on strike for almost 118 years, and under the Professorless Independent Education (PIE™) system, students are free to learn about whatever they wish, in whatever manner they see fit.

It now seems that they have truly been studying what the schools’ names claim – that is, how to be superheroes, and how to turn superheroes into snowflakes. Both skill sets served them surprisingly well when they stormed the Temple today.

The girls of Princess Elsa’s turned the boys into snowflakes. Then, a second-grader from Captain America’s named Harrison Hurricane blew them all through an open window, where the staggering heat of the day melted the snowflakes back into humans again.

The superheroes fought their way through secretaries, metal detectors, stacks of paperwork, a jumble of confusing old equipment including tangled phone cords and screaming fax machines, and, finally, the Sphinx that guards the Assembly’s meeting room.

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The sphynx guarding the Assembly of Chosen’s meeting room may be “just a cat,” but it can still look into your soul. | Photo credit

Once there, they removed two hostages from the building: The wax figures of Chosens Gene Strom and Jiles Knack. The figures were placed on the Common in the blazing midday sun, protesting less and less coherently as their faces began to melt in the heat.

Students threatened to let the figures melt completely if their demands were not met. Adults tried to reason with them, but neither police nor parents could disperse the uprising before the figures had been reduced to puddles.

Instead, the heroes of the day were, in fact, troublemakers themselves. Two Men were walking Their Dog and Their Faceless Baby nearby when they noticed the commotion and intervened.

Next thing anyone knew, someone had nominated them to fill the vacant seats themselves, someone else had seconded the motion, and a bunch of people had shouted “Aye,” while other people (but not as many of them) said, “Nay.” Two Men And Their Dog won the seats by a simple majority vote.

“We had no plans to run for office,” Two Men told the Paroder. “Our hands are full with Our beloved Dog and Our precious little Lumin, who’s just starting to learn how to make facial features. But if this is what it takes to bring peace to Fauxhasset, of course We are more than happy to do it.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 45th Edition: Rare raptor makes millisecond appearance

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Voters at the Semiannual Spring Séance left the Monday night meeting in a cloud of confusion: rather than wrapping up in minutes or dragging on for days, like most public meetings in Fauxhasset, the séance lasted three and a half hours – precisely the length of time that a good séance should last.

“The spirits of the forefathers were smiling on us today,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager by way of explanation. “We got through the articles expeditiously, and managed to have some really positive conversations in the process. It was demigodocracy at its finest.”

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Not like you need one, buddy. Photo credit

 

Our broadcast technician, Miike “Jax” Jackson, had a different explanation.

“Ghosts, demigods – does anyone really believe that crap? This was science, pure and simple,” said Jax. “If you play back our hologram footage in slow motion, you’ll see that a timeraptor passed through the gym at 7:33 and 33 seconds. After that, everything started moving at exactly the right speed.”

A timeraptor, according to the Local Animal Whisperer, is one of the three biological sexes of raptor, the others being the traditional velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor (referred to in some circles as the “distanceraptor”).

Little is known about the reproductive habits of raptors. What scientists do know is that, whenever you place one over another, it always equals the third.

It is suspected that timeraptors actually eat time as part of their diet and that they lay their eggs in the remote corners of the darknet, feeding their young with scraps scavenged from YouTube, Facebook, and other time-sucking platforms.

It’s difficult to say how rare timeraptors actually are, since they are all but impossible to detect even when moving relatively slowly – which, for them, is around the speed of infrared light. At full throttle, a timeraptor can easily exceed the speed of light.

“The real miracle here wasn’t that the forefathers gave the meeting their blessing,” said Jax. “It’s that we were able to capture this rare and mysterious creature on holo-film for the first time ever. Before, science had no way to study the timeraptor in its natural habitat. This is a game-changer.”

“Nah,” said the Local Animal Whisperer. “The real real miracle is that the raptor didn’t eat anyone. My concern is this: where there’s a timeraptor, there’s bound to be a velociraptor and a spaceraptor, too. I’m not looking forward to the day we find either of those.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 10th Edition: Troublemakers fowl up town meeting

By Sobby Raint-John, Fauxhasset Paroder Correspondent
And Thamanda Crompson, Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police were called to the Assembly of Chosen’s weekly Marathon of Remarks after Two Men and Their Dog burst in wearing elaborate turkey costumes and shouting, “End the War on Thanksgiving!”

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Two Men’s Dog punctuated the argument by chewing loudly on a squeaky toy shaped like a turkey leg. Local animal rights activists are trying to determine whether this should be considered cannibalism, or at the very least, animal cruelty. Photo credit

The Fauxhasset Paroder, already reporting on the Marathon, witnessed the disturbance caused by the local troublemakers. The Chosen had been continuing their disagreement about when to take down the Halloween decorations and put up the Christmas ones.

“We’ve had two months of Halloween,” said Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk. “The Common has been covered with gravestones since September, and the congress of ghosts has been hovering around them for just as long. It’s time we give those restless spirits some rest.”

“But Halloween is a holiday everyone can agree on,” objected She-Chosen Kaia Dennis. “Not everyone celebrates Christmas, and we have to be sensitive to that.”

“We have important decisions to make about Christmas, and we can’t leave those to the last minute,” argued He-Chosen Saul Preston. “We need to figure out if Santa is going to arrive on a sleigh or on a lobster boat. It can’t be both.”

He-Chosen Gene Strom waved it off.

“People don’t even really like Christmas,” said Strom. “In the past, I’ve gotten calls from the neighbors complaining that the lights on the Common are too bright and they can’t sleep. The message we’re getting is that cheer is passé. Now, if you wanted to put up a shopping mall on the Common, I think people would really like that.”

That was when Two Men and Their Dog so rudely interrupted the Marathon with their frivolous get-ups and two golden, fresh, steaming… I mean, extremely stinky and offensive apple pies, which they laid before the Chosen as a sort of offering.

“There is another holiday between Halloween and Christmas,” said Two Men and Their Dog. “A time for enjoying each other’s company and stuffing our faces until we pass out. We have a beautiful town and a beautiful community here in Fauxhasset. Let us not forget to be grateful for that.”

By this time, Town Manager Mown Tanager had quietly slipped away from the table, locked himself in his office, and, presumably, called the police, who were on the scene within eight minutes. Order was soon restored.

The next day, the Paroder caught up with Two Men and Their Dog at home, after being reminded by police that their phone was still being held in evidence for taking pictures of trees.

The house was easily identifiable by the hay bales and cornucopia on display by the mailbox and the rows of pumpkins, gourds and mums lining the walkway to the door. A hand-carved sign on the door reminded visitors to “Give Thanks.”

“We just wanted the town not to forget about Thanksgiving,” explained Two Men and Their Dog around mouthfuls of turkey. “The holidays just go by so fast ya’ know?”

It is not clear at this time if Two Men and Their Dog will be charged.