Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Teens’ noses clean

Dear Editor,

Although we are no longer legal citizens of the Town of Fauxhasset, having seceded from the United States of America under the presidency of Jimmy Garoppolo on January 20, 2017, the students of the Fenclave felt that we must make our voices heard on an important matter that concerns both your town and our independent nation-state. We hope you will accept our correspondence.

A letter to the editor in last week’s edition of the Paroder (“Demons? Aliens? No, just teenagers”) was extremely accusatory toward the youth of Fauxhasset. “A Concerned Citizen” blamed us for the vandalism appearing on various private properties throughout your town. Nothing could be further from the truth.

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Our students are angels, every last one. Photo credit

We may have chosen to follow a different path from the rest of Fauxhasset and America, but that doesn’t mean we have any less love and respect for the community where we grew up. We owe everything to you – our parents, neighbors, grocers, exorcists, and astral realignment therapists. We would not be who we are today without you.

And just who exactly are we, you might ask? We’re still figuring that out. And believe us, it’s a full-time job. We’re still writing our constitution, deciding how to set up our government, and building a basic economy, all while providing essential health, sanitary, and quality-of-life services. Everyone is pitching in. Everyone has a job to do. We don’t have time for petty crime.

Shannon Blackstone, self-appointed Speaker of the House, would like to add: “We didn’t paint on your stupid condos, okay? Who even is Lame Jane, anyway, and if she’s so lame, why would we be hanging out with her? This is total fake news.”

If one of our number did somehow manage to make a side hustle of juvenile delinquency, rest assured that our government, fledgling though it might be, would be deporting them back to their country of origin ASAP. It’s not that we wish their poor behavior on you. It’s just that we don’t have a justice system yet. Or a jail.

In conclusion, we would appreciate if the elder generations in town would not ascribe blame to us just because we are young, listen to different music, and use our “cordless telephones” as flashlights.

Instead, please consider partnering with some of our students. We have an eighth-grader who’s already studying forensics and has even written some of her own software. Two of our sophomores – twins – have a profound psychic sensitivity and may be of use to your investigation. The school resource officer has begun training a small police force, which is at your disposal, should you wish to work with us rather than against us in this matter.

Thank you for your time. Sincerely,

Zane Harris
Fenclave Vice President

Fauxhasset Paroder, 40th Edition: Kids and quarterback tackle snow

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

As the skies continue to vomit snow upon the town of Fauxhasset, there is one place where spring has sprung – where, indeed, spring has always sprung, even in the heart of winters both natural and supernatural: the perpetual growth organic garden at the middle-high school.

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Students have built robots to help with gardening and produce delivery to Fauxhasset’s 8,000 residents. Photo credit

And so, in its first act as an independent nation-state, the school has begun exporting organic produce to the surrounding community. Prices are high, of course, in line with supply and demand as well as the school’s newfound and somewhat desperate need for revenue.

“The students were shocked when I told them that seceding from the town meant the town wouldn’t be giving them money anymore,” said President Jimmy Garoppolo, former second-string quarterback for the New England Patriots. “They had no funds, no economy, and no plans for how to get either.”

Garoppolo has been working with the civics and government class and members of the Model UN team to build an economy so the Fauxhasset Enclave (self-styled “the Fenclave”) can fund its continued existence going forward.

Right now, students are focused on their most immediate needs and those of the surrounding community as snowfall totals climb toward the thousands of inches.

Athletes have been digging tunnels through the snow to access and serve Fauxhasset’s most vulnerable citizens: its elderly population.

Those same tunnels are used by students delivering produce that Fauxhasset residents have ordered online from the Fenclave’s website.

Chemistry students are processing the removed snow to remove impurities so it can be used as drinking water by residents of the Fenclave and beyond.

Home ec students are cooking meals in the cafeteria for Fauxhasset public safety officers and Panic Brigade members on the job (apparently hyperventilating really works up an appetite).

Biology students are caring for overworked carrier squirrels while engineering students innovate robots that can help relieve some of the squirrels’ responsibilities in these trying times. Art students have designed luxury quarters where squirrels can rest between delivery and snow-clearing shifts.

“Everybody is playing to their strengths,” Garoppolo said. “They still have no idea how to be their own country, of course, but they’re playing as a team, and in my professional opinion, this is a definitive first down.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 19th Edition: A Patriot for President

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

President-Elect Tom Brady has notified Fauxhasset Middle-High School students that he will not be accepting their offer of presidency. He has instead delegated the position to Patriots second-string quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo.

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President-Elect Jimmy Garoppolo and his bodyguard toured Fauxhasset Middle-High School on Tuesday. It was the first time anyone over the age of 20 had set foot in the school in 116 years. Photo: Shannon Blackstone via Snapchat

“I can’t decide if I should cry or not,” said sophomore Shannon Blackstone in a statement issued to her Snapchat followers on Friday. “We all really wanted Brady. But, you know, if it had to be someone else, well…  Jimmy is pretty cute, too. I’m just saying.”

Student Body President Zane Harris had his reservations.

“We don’t really know what we’re getting with Garoppolo,” said Harris. “We’ve only seen him on the field a handful of times, and he hasn’t gotten nearly the press coverage Brady has, so we don’t know how he thinks. But uh… the girls seem pretty happy about it, so I guess that’s a good thing.”

Brady sent his regrets in a handwritten letter, which in fact had been delivered several weeks ago, but none of the students had thought to check the snail-mailbox until Christmas packages were due to arrive.

The letter was penned on December 5, the day after Brady won his 201st career football game and surpassed quarterbacks Brett Favre and Peyton Manning to become the GOAT (greatest of all-time).

“I know what I’m good at, and that’s football,” wrote Brady. “Just because I can lead a team to victory doesn’t mean I can lead a nation-state.”

“Besides,” he went on, “Coach finally called me the GOAT; I can’t just walk away from that. I owe it to New England and the rest of the guys to put a Superbowl ring on every finger.”

“I have every confidence that Jimmy will make a great president for your nation-state,” Brady concluded. “He’s extremely teachable, but not afraid to make the tough decisions. Please send us a hard copy of your response, signed and dated, by the first of the year.”

The middle-high school held an emergency vote on Friday and students gave their unanimous support for the change in plans.

“The way I see it, we’re basically taking the VP and making him President,” said Harris. “Now we just have to figure out what a ‘hard copy’ is by January first.”

Fortunately, it seems the students were able to sort out the U.S. Postal Service in time. President-Elect Garoppolo visited the school this morning. He, like the U.S. President, will be sworn in on Jan. 20.