Fauxhasset Paroder, 61st Edition: They Didn’t Kneed To Do That

Another September has come and gone, with the families of Fauxhasset settling comfortably into the rhythms of work, school, and fall sports.

First, the topic we all care about above all else: Football, Game Above All Games, played in remembrance of the Holy Flying Pig – that, as we all know, is why they call it “tossing the old pigskin around,” as partakers believe the football is made from the Pig’s body, broken for us.

Blessed be His Game. Photo Credit

With President Jimmy Garoppolo, former second-string quarterback for the New England Patriots, as head coach, the high school football team is looking like a real winner this year.

However, the rest of the division is questioning whether the Fenclave should be allowed to compete at all. Fans and foes alike have been aghast since several players were recently caught taking knees that didn’t belong to them.

Police caught it all on surveillance cameras at the local foot pantry. The players said they were protesting the injustice of some Americans having more knees than they required while others did not have enough. They said they planned to redistribute the knees to those in need.

NOT AVAILABLE FOR GREETINGS CARDS A line up for a knobbly knees competition

A sampling of the knees taken by the football team last week. Photo credit

Critics say these football players are able-bodied young men endowed with exactly the right number of knees; who are they to comment on what others have or deserve – and what kind of place is the sacred ground of the football field to make a statement like that? They should consider themselves blessed rather than making a debacle out of the Holy Game, which the rest of us just want to enjoy.

On top of that, say division leaders, a) the Fenclave seceded from the country last winter, which may disqualify it from participation in regional athletic competitions, and b) it really isn’t fair that they’ve got a professional quarterback for a coach.

Speaking of unfair, it’s looking like the soccer team will once again be dominated by the students of Pemborke, which has been the case throughout living memory, since all of Pemborke’s players are dogs.

No other town has ever really stood a chance, since dogs have four legs, run faster than humans, and can’t foul with their hands – plus, the umps never call them for carrying the ball in their mouth! Cute or not, there really needs to be a rule about that.

Ironically, the team that seems to be playing on the most level field this season is the Quidditch team, which is funny because they don’t even really need a field at all.

In other fall news, police have started a “Student Police Academy” in conjunction with the Fenclave’s School Resource Officer. The Fenclave’s government is just taking shape, and its citizens have voted to invite some outside guidance the help deal with matters of discipline.

Among other lessons, police are trying to inspire peace through the power of music with their new “RoboCop” DJ program. Ah, readers – the way they whoop and bloop those sirens, you just know some of these gentlemen were born to be DJs. We’re sad they missed their calling, but happy to have them here with us in Fauxhasset, keeping the streets lit in more ways than one.

Finally, as always, Mooncheddar Coffee is selling gallons upon gallons of its wildly popular butternut squash latté (#BSL) on a daily basis. Thankfully the butternut squash access pipeline installed in August 2016 has protected the Fauxhasset Mooncheddar store from #BSL droughts like it’s suffered in the past.

Still, the #BSL won’t be around for long before the pine-flavored Evergreen Mocha takes its place, so be sure to buy yours today – and recycle that cup, or suffer the wrath of GREG.

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Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Teens’ noses clean

Dear Editor,

Although we are no longer legal citizens of the Town of Fauxhasset, having seceded from the United States of America under the presidency of Jimmy Garoppolo on January 20, 2017, the students of the Fenclave felt that we must make our voices heard on an important matter that concerns both your town and our independent nation-state. We hope you will accept our correspondence.

A letter to the editor in last week’s edition of the Paroder (“Demons? Aliens? No, just teenagers”) was extremely accusatory toward the youth of Fauxhasset. “A Concerned Citizen” blamed us for the vandalism appearing on various private properties throughout your town. Nothing could be further from the truth.

teenangel

Our students are angels, every last one. Photo credit

We may have chosen to follow a different path from the rest of Fauxhasset and America, but that doesn’t mean we have any less love and respect for the community where we grew up. We owe everything to you – our parents, neighbors, grocers, exorcists, and astral realignment therapists. We would not be who we are today without you.

And just who exactly are we, you might ask? We’re still figuring that out. And believe us, it’s a full-time job. We’re still writing our constitution, deciding how to set up our government, and building a basic economy, all while providing essential health, sanitary, and quality-of-life services. Everyone is pitching in. Everyone has a job to do. We don’t have time for petty crime.

Shannon Blackstone, self-appointed Speaker of the House, would like to add: “We didn’t paint on your stupid condos, okay? Who even is Lame Jane, anyway, and if she’s so lame, why would we be hanging out with her? This is total fake news.”

If one of our number did somehow manage to make a side hustle of juvenile delinquency, rest assured that our government, fledgling though it might be, would be deporting them back to their country of origin ASAP. It’s not that we wish their poor behavior on you. It’s just that we don’t have a justice system yet. Or a jail.

In conclusion, we would appreciate if the elder generations in town would not ascribe blame to us just because we are young, listen to different music, and use our “cordless telephones” as flashlights.

Instead, please consider partnering with some of our students. We have an eighth-grader who’s already studying forensics and has even written some of her own software. Two of our sophomores – twins – have a profound psychic sensitivity and may be of use to your investigation. The school resource officer has begun training a small police force, which is at your disposal, should you wish to work with us rather than against us in this matter.

Thank you for your time. Sincerely,

Zane Harris
Fenclave Vice President

Fauxhasset Paroder, 40th Edition: Kids and quarterback tackle snow

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

As the skies continue to vomit snow upon the town of Fauxhasset, there is one place where spring has sprung – where, indeed, spring has always sprung, even in the heart of winters both natural and supernatural: the perpetual growth organic garden at the middle-high school.

Laputa-Castle-In-The-Sky

Students have built robots to help with gardening and produce delivery to Fauxhasset’s 8,000 residents. Photo credit

And so, in its first act as an independent nation-state, the school has begun exporting organic produce to the surrounding community. Prices are high, of course, in line with supply and demand as well as the school’s newfound and somewhat desperate need for revenue.

“The students were shocked when I told them that seceding from the town meant the town wouldn’t be giving them money anymore,” said President Jimmy Garoppolo, former second-string quarterback for the New England Patriots. “They had no funds, no economy, and no plans for how to get either.”

Garoppolo has been working with the civics and government class and members of the Model UN team to build an economy so the Fauxhasset Enclave (self-styled “the Fenclave”) can fund its continued existence going forward.

Right now, students are focused on their most immediate needs and those of the surrounding community as snowfall totals climb toward the thousands of inches.

Athletes have been digging tunnels through the snow to access and serve Fauxhasset’s most vulnerable citizens: its elderly population.

Those same tunnels are used by students delivering produce that Fauxhasset residents have ordered online from the Fenclave’s website.

Chemistry students are processing the removed snow to remove impurities so it can be used as drinking water by residents of the Fenclave and beyond.

Home ec students are cooking meals in the cafeteria for Fauxhasset public safety officers and Panic Brigade members on the job (apparently hyperventilating really works up an appetite).

Biology students are caring for overworked carrier squirrels while engineering students innovate robots that can help relieve some of the squirrels’ responsibilities in these trying times. Art students have designed luxury quarters where squirrels can rest between delivery and snow-clearing shifts.

“Everybody is playing to their strengths,” Garoppolo said. “They still have no idea how to be their own country, of course, but they’re playing as a team, and in my professional opinion, this is a definitive first down.”