Fauxhasset Paroder, 67th Edition: Thankfulness Level Over 9,000 This Year

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Another year, another Turkey Day. This Thanksgiving, our fine town released more than 9,000 turkeys over the harbor. 9,000, Fauxhasset! That’s 9,000 living creatures saved from dinner tables, sent forth into the wild where they can fly free another year.

The sound of their thanks was deafening. The very air seemed to ululate with all the gobbling, and it rained loose feathers upon the Thanksgivers gathered as the birds made their ungainly but inspirational ascent and flapped off into the sunset.

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For years, the media has sworn that turkeys can’t fly. Science (and the iPhone Ω alternate reality camera) have now empirically shown that this is fake news. Photo credit

 

Of course, as we all know, the Turkey Day ritual isn’t just about the turkeys – it’s about the things each and every one of us is thankful for, which we whisper into the turkeys’ ears before setting them free.

Fortunately for the Paroder, a few Thanksgivers were kind enough to share those thanks out loud with the paper. Without further ado, here’s what Fauxhasset is thankful for in 2017.

Two Men And Their Dog And Their Faceless Baby: We are just over the moon about the latest addition to our family – our little Lumin, light of our world, adopted from a fellow Fauxhasset resident who was unable to care for them. We’ve been waiting a long time to become parents, and we’re loving every minute of it.

Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi, Part-Time Pirate, Part-Time Wandering Minstrel, Etc.: I’m thankful for gainful employment. 26 times over.

Unidentified 64-year-old woman: I’m thankful for this mysterious, backwards-ticking watch I got from Ms. Blackstone at the Fenclave. It’s making me age backwards! Not only do I look great, but by the time my foot-dragging children get around to giving me some grandbabies, I’ll be fit enough to play with them! Now this is between you, me and the turkey, understand? I don’t want my children finding out. Be sure you don’t print my name with this!

Students of the Fenclave (formerly Fauxhasset Middle-High School): We’re thankful for our handsome, peaceful, loyal President Jimmy Garoppolo who would never, ever, ever leave us for another team – like, say, the 49ers. That would just never happen, and we are so, so #thankful.

Father Mumblehill (Flaxen Mary Abbey): We praise the Lord every hour the world doesn’t end. We know that someone in this town is working to bring this about, but it will not happen until the Lord’s time, which is not known to us. Therefore, every moment the Earth continues to spin, every moment we draw breath, every moment the dead remain dead and not an army of undead marching upon us to hasten the end – we praise the Lord. Yet when the end comes, we shall praise Him then, as well!

Mecca Mile residents: Strict wetland bylaws.

Ord Girdlehyde (Mad Elephant Hotel, Castle Girdlehausen): Loopholes.

Reporter Thamanda Crompson: I’m thankful for all the cute cats that keep appearing outside the Paroder office. Ever since they rebuilt the old Abraham Building that’s kitty corner to ours, the cats just keep spawning – about two or three a week. One has even moved into the office, which is great for morale and for sitting on my hands while I try to type to keep my fingers warm. So sweet. He says his name is Snowfire and I think I’m in love.

Citizen whose name could not be released due to ongoing legal action: Thank you, man who provided the old, red brick I was looking for in the community classifieds last month. I know you are probably wondering what you’ve wrought, with me in prison now and all, but I have just two words for you, my friend: Worth. It.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 61st Edition: They Didn’t Kneed To Do That

Another September has come and gone, with the families of Fauxhasset settling comfortably into the rhythms of work, school, and fall sports.

First, the topic we all care about above all else: Football, Game Above All Games, played in remembrance of the Holy Flying Pig – that, as we all know, is why they call it “tossing the old pigskin around,” as partakers believe the football is made from the Pig’s body, broken for us.

Blessed be His Game. Photo Credit

With President Jimmy Garoppolo, former second-string quarterback for the New England Patriots, as head coach, the high school football team is looking like a real winner this year.

However, the rest of the division is questioning whether the Fenclave should be allowed to compete at all. Fans and foes alike have been aghast since several players were recently caught taking knees that didn’t belong to them.

Police caught it all on surveillance cameras at the local foot pantry. The players said they were protesting the injustice of some Americans having more knees than they required while others did not have enough. They said they planned to redistribute the knees to those in need.

NOT AVAILABLE FOR GREETINGS CARDS A line up for a knobbly knees competition

A sampling of the knees taken by the football team last week. Photo credit

Critics say these football players are able-bodied young men endowed with exactly the right number of knees; who are they to comment on what others have or deserve – and what kind of place is the sacred ground of the football field to make a statement like that? They should consider themselves blessed rather than making a debacle out of the Holy Game, which the rest of us just want to enjoy.

On top of that, say division leaders, a) the Fenclave seceded from the country last winter, which may disqualify it from participation in regional athletic competitions, and b) it really isn’t fair that they’ve got a professional quarterback for a coach.

Speaking of unfair, it’s looking like the soccer team will once again be dominated by the students of Pemborke, which has been the case throughout living memory, since all of Pemborke’s players are dogs.

No other town has ever really stood a chance, since dogs have four legs, run faster than humans, and can’t foul with their hands – plus, the umps never call them for carrying the ball in their mouth! Cute or not, there really needs to be a rule about that.

Ironically, the team that seems to be playing on the most level field this season is the Quidditch team, which is funny because they don’t even really need a field at all.

In other fall news, police have started a “Student Police Academy” in conjunction with the Fenclave’s School Resource Officer. The Fenclave’s government is just taking shape, and its citizens have voted to invite some outside guidance the help deal with matters of discipline.

Among other lessons, police are trying to inspire peace through the power of music with their new “RoboCop” DJ program. Ah, readers – the way they whoop and bloop those sirens, you just know some of these gentlemen were born to be DJs. We’re sad they missed their calling, but happy to have them here with us in Fauxhasset, keeping the streets lit in more ways than one.

Finally, as always, Mooncheddar Coffee is selling gallons upon gallons of its wildly popular butternut squash latté (#BSL) on a daily basis. Thankfully the butternut squash access pipeline installed in August 2016 has protected the Fauxhasset Mooncheddar store from #BSL droughts like it’s suffered in the past.

Still, the #BSL won’t be around for long before the pine-flavored Evergreen Mocha takes its place, so be sure to buy yours today – and recycle that cup, or suffer the wrath of GREG.

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Teens’ noses clean

Dear Editor,

Although we are no longer legal citizens of the Town of Fauxhasset, having seceded from the United States of America under the presidency of Jimmy Garoppolo on January 20, 2017, the students of the Fenclave felt that we must make our voices heard on an important matter that concerns both your town and our independent nation-state. We hope you will accept our correspondence.

A letter to the editor in last week’s edition of the Paroder (“Demons? Aliens? No, just teenagers”) was extremely accusatory toward the youth of Fauxhasset. “A Concerned Citizen” blamed us for the vandalism appearing on various private properties throughout your town. Nothing could be further from the truth.

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Our students are angels, every last one. Photo credit

We may have chosen to follow a different path from the rest of Fauxhasset and America, but that doesn’t mean we have any less love and respect for the community where we grew up. We owe everything to you – our parents, neighbors, grocers, exorcists, and astral realignment therapists. We would not be who we are today without you.

And just who exactly are we, you might ask? We’re still figuring that out. And believe us, it’s a full-time job. We’re still writing our constitution, deciding how to set up our government, and building a basic economy, all while providing essential health, sanitary, and quality-of-life services. Everyone is pitching in. Everyone has a job to do. We don’t have time for petty crime.

Shannon Blackstone, self-appointed Speaker of the House, would like to add: “We didn’t paint on your stupid condos, okay? Who even is Lame Jane, anyway, and if she’s so lame, why would we be hanging out with her? This is total fake news.”

If one of our number did somehow manage to make a side hustle of juvenile delinquency, rest assured that our government, fledgling though it might be, would be deporting them back to their country of origin ASAP. It’s not that we wish their poor behavior on you. It’s just that we don’t have a justice system yet. Or a jail.

In conclusion, we would appreciate if the elder generations in town would not ascribe blame to us just because we are young, listen to different music, and use our “cordless telephones” as flashlights.

Instead, please consider partnering with some of our students. We have an eighth-grader who’s already studying forensics and has even written some of her own software. Two of our sophomores – twins – have a profound psychic sensitivity and may be of use to your investigation. The school resource officer has begun training a small police force, which is at your disposal, should you wish to work with us rather than against us in this matter.

Thank you for your time. Sincerely,

Zane Harris
Fenclave Vice President