Op-Ed: The Sobby Story of Sobby Raint-John – Part II

Hello Fauxhasset,

After my last letter to the editor, I’m told I kind of worried some of you. I’m sorry; I was just so overwhelmed at the time. Truthfully, I still am, but I’m getting a handle on all of Devan Branch’s past part time jobs. I thought it could be fun to write about my various jobs now and then to keep you all from worrying. So let’s talk about how I’m a pirate now, because that’s a thing.

This message in a bottle was found by a member of the underwater yoga class. But in some ways, the bottle WAS the message. It says: STOP THROWING YOUR TRASH IN THE OCEAN. | Photo credit

When Devan gave me his list of part time jobs, it pretty much just told me where I had to go for each one. No instructions or advice, just “go here.” So I was pretty skeptical when I got to pirate. Literally, it just said, “the ocean” and that was it. I thought it was a joke but Devan included a small footnote which said: “Not a joke.”

Having no boat or no nautical training, I knew this was going to be slightly tricky. Hours later, I stole (commandeered?) someone’s boat from the Fauxhasset Sailing Club and was quoting every cliche pirate phrase I could remember as I drifted further and further out of the harbor. (To the person whose boat I stole: I’m sorry. I’ll bring it back when I finish. (And if I don’t sink.))

Since setting out on my voyage, I’ve really questioned the need for a part-time pirate in Fauxhasset. I figure, once I know the answer then it will be time for me to move onto my next job. On the plus side, being out in ocean kept me from getting old when the timeraptor visited town. So that’s cool. Alright, this is getting long so I’ll wrap it up. I need to shiver my timbers or something like that.

Sobby

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 90th Edition: Go with the Flow

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Galaneia’s Grotto, the underwater yoga studio that replaced the zero-gravity studio Infinity Yoga after the black hole in the harbor collapsed, has had to expand its hours to remain open 24/7 to keep up with demand for its gentle flow yoga classes.

Owner Rainbow Moon said it was a difficult decision. “I know as well as anybody in Fauxhasset that nothing good happens after 8:00 p.m.,” Moon told the Paroder. “I did not take this decision lightly.”

After much consultation with higher powers, Moon said she reached the conclusion that it would be in the best interest of the community to keep the studio open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for as long as everyone in town is stuck being old.

“I consulted with Poseidon, ascended through five circles of heaven to ask for guidance, and spent many hours in meditative discussion with my business loan officer before concluding that this would serve both the community and my bottom line,” said Moon.

She said that the gentle flow yoga has been in demand because of its focus on slowly stretching and breathing, perfect for creaky old bodies – especially ones that were neither creaky nor old just a couple of months back.

“It’s been a difficult transition for the whole town,” Moon said. “We at Galaneia’s Grotto hope to make it flow a little smoother for everyone.”

Before a typical class at the Grotto, practitioners can be seen preparing their bodies and minds on the docks and beaches surrounding the harbor. Moon explained that they are working toward a meditative state where it is no longer necessary for them to breathe oxygen.

This, she said, is necessary because the Grotto is not a physical structure that would protect practitioners from the water; it is simply a name for the section of the harbor floor where classes are held. Therefore, students must tap into their primordial instincts for breathing underwater if they wish to fully participate.

Those who achieve the appropriate mindset during the session, Moon said, are selected and ceremoniously submerged by the enigmatic instructor Misty Hafgufa, an individual described by students as having seven limbs and often using the catchphrase, “Let’s get kraken!”

Assistant yoga instructor Lyngbakrita Ness demonstrates an underwater sun salute. | Photo credit

Students sometimes disappear for just minutes, sometimes for hours, and even, on occasion, for more than a day. All, however, have returned in good health – indeed, in better health than before. However, none will speak of the events that transpired while they were underwater.

Anyone with information on this matter is encouraged to reach out to the Paroder. Anonymous tips are also welcome.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 89th Edition: Space(raptor) Case

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) and a well-trained velociraptor have been released from prison on the condition that they lead the charge to track down a problematic timeraptor that passed through town looking for its son last month, aging everyone in town by 50 years.

Step 1: Find baby spaceraptor. Step 2: Father Timeraptor will follow. Foolproof! | Photo credit

The LAW and the velociraptor, which he claims to be his service animal, have been in jail since January, when they were found guilty of conspiring with local hotelier Ord Girdlehyde to tear open the fabric of space and let thousands of aliens into our fine town.

The Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) agreed that, despite his criminal past, the LAW could bring unique and valuable knowledge to the present circumstances, so they brought him before the board at their last meeting to share everything he knew about raptors.

“The first think you’ve got to understand about raptors is, they’re very concerned with family,” said the LAW. “That’s why this Father Timeraptor made such a mess looking for his son. I think, if we can get his son to come back to Fauxhasset, we can get the Father to come back too – and hopefully fix this mess he’s made.”

The LAW believes that the “Father” in question is none other than the timeraptor that reproduced with his velociraptor to create that spatial rift over Castle Girdlehausen in the wetlands last December.

“He was just a young timeraptor back then,” said the LAW. “But, well, you know how dads are superheroes. Now that he’s a Father Timeraptor, he’s gained much more power, which is why he had such a massive effect on the town. I don’t think he meant to hurt anyone.”

The “son,” of course, would be the spaceraptor that was born along with the rift – and not, as the Paroder first theorized, a younger timeraptor. The LAW said it all comes down to the oddities of the raptor reproductive cycle and the complex mathematics of a race with three biological sexes.

“To start with,” he said, “velociraptors are born when a distance-raptor (colloquially known as a spaceraptor) is placed over a timeraptor. Meanwhile, multiplying a timeraptor and a velociraptor creates a baby spaceraptor – along with precisely the type of spatial rift that appeared in Fauxhasset’s wetlands last winter.”

The LAW was unable to provide a “TL;DR” for the Paroder when asked.

“It’s just distance over time equals velocity,” he said gruffly. “Even Steer Mill kids know that.”

The LAW believes that, if he can find the baby spaceraptor, then baby-daddy timeraptor will come back to get it. Several aliens, which were not affected by the time-shift, volunteered to help the LAW in this endeavor.

“We are the most able-bodied people in town at this time,” said one alien who attended the meeting, named ρяΐиͼε. “We also feel this is an opportunity to show that our true intentions toward the people of Fauxhasset are nothing but helpfulness and goodwill. If this were not so, we would simply let all of you get old and die so we could inherit this most perfect place in the universe.”

The LAW, his velociraptor, and a team of five aliens, including ρяΐиͼε and Fauxhasset’s first alien resident, ϨΔиϮα, set out directly after the meeting to begin searching for the spaceraptor. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.