By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Groundhog Day came and went with the normal amount of fanfare. Punxsutawney Phil made his customary appearance on the Common, emerging from the Hallowed Burrow to prophesy six more weeks of winter to the thousands of residents listening raptly on the Town Common.
Fauxsutawney Fil, a large raccoon who claimed to be the reincarnation of the original groundhog RALPH and last year triggered the Thousand Foot Snow, was long gone through the Accursed Burrow. Fauxhasset believed it was safe from anything more sinister than another 42 days of winter.
It was wrong.
Just as the festivities were dying down, the stars began to keen and a steady womp-womp-womp could be heard in the distance. An unnaturally large blue moon appeared in the west to face down the small, pale gibbous rising in the east.
Soon the massive impostor raccoon appeared on the horizon, silhouetted against the uncanny blue moon and flanked by his multi-specied worshippers (including 13 indestructible porcupines, which were supposed to ensure Fauxhasset never saw the impostor raccoon again, but had apparently been converted to Fil’s cause).
“My fellow Fauxhassians,” Fil boomed. “Last year, you drove me out of your fine town, being displeased with the eternal winter I so benevolently bestowed upon you. This year, I will do better. Phil has promised you six more weeks of winter. I now promise you that winter is hereby over – forever.”
“Cold? Snow? Things of the past,” Fil promised. “Instead, I give you warmth, sunshine, and Christmas every day!”
Explosive applause from the children. As for the adults, those gathered seemed uncertain whether or not to cheer. Many began to clap at the mention of permanent paradise weather, only to freeze up at the mention of permanent Christmas. Other simply downed their drinks and threw their cash in the air.
“Eh, we were just going to burn it to keep our home warm for the next six weeks, anyway,” explained one celebrant. “Not sure Christmas every day will eat through it fast enough.”
Fil and his congregation returned peacefully to the Womp, while befuddled residents trailed back to their homes. Students of the Fenclave stayed late into the night raking up all the cash with the help of the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG).
“I am constantly blown away by the disrespect these people show to the environment,” said GREG Chairman Kelvin Ermits. “All this litter – we provided receptacles for paper, plastic and glass at every exit! How much easier can we make it?”
Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone said, “I think the thing we need to address, and no one is talking about this – but all this paper is actually, like, money. I mean, it’s old money. We can’t, like, Venmo it or anything. But President Jimmy says it has legit value, so we’re collecting it to add to our burgeoning economy.”
“Hey,” Blackstone added, looking over her shoulder to Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo for guidance. “Do colleges take this stuff?”