Op-Ed: 1+1+1=?

Dear Editor,

My name is Liam Long and I’m a nine-year-old third-grader at Captain America’s School for the Awesome. I was in the attack force that invaded the Temple this summer because, a few weeks before that, I was a fifty-nine-year-old man and a part of the Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders. Then Two Men And Their Dog was picked to fill the two empty chairs on the Assembly of Chosen.

Local troublemaker(s) have found themselves in a seat of power. But just how MANY seats of power? | Photo credit

Okay, so here is my question. How many chairs does Two Men And Their Dog take up? In the nine or fifty-nine years I’ve been alive, they have always been just “Two Men and Their Dog.” The way my Mom and Dad talk about them, and everyone else in town, makes it sound like they are one person. It’s always Two Men And Their Dog and I don’t think they are anything else.

I’m not being mean to them, I’m just confused and want someone to explain it to me like I’m five. Do they take up one chair? Can I fill the missing chair then? Or, do they take up two chairs because they are Two Men? Does that mean they fill up all of the empty chairs on the Assembly, and if so, how come you still don’t have anybody representing FEALs?

OK, but I still have more questions. Their Dog talks and goes to the town meetings too. There was that one time they froze the Dog, so I know you can remove the Dog from the Two Men. So do Two Men And Their Dog really take up three chairs? Can I be on the committee too if we are just adding chairs now? Please let me know before I get too much homework at school.

Awesomely Yours,
Liam Long (a.k.a Lieutenant Lava)

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 101st Edition: The SAFEKIDS Are Alright

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Fauxhasset, we need to address the whale in the room. And also the one in the harbor.

OK, the beached whale in the harbor is fairly straightforward, but you may be asking: What whale in the room? Readers, isn’t it obvious? This Johnny Tsunami who’s been hanging around town is a bad influence. He invites his aquatic friends to Fooley’s for a night on the town, but selfishly disregards the fact that they can’t leave the water. And now an impressionable young humpback whale, identified as Humphrey Junior XII, is dead on our shores because of him.

Brings a whole new meaning to “pufferfish.” | Photo credit: Sobby Raint-John

The sad event has caused quite a stir across town, especially among residents of Mecca Mile where the whale’s body washed up. But perhaps most passionate of all are the members of the new super-committee, Save the Adolescents of Fauxhasset from Evil Kelp-Infected Denizens of the Sea (SAFEKIDS), which was formed to ensure that nothing like this ever happens again.

The super-specific super-committee is comprised of two representatives from the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH), the Regional Animal Whisperer (RAW), and two representatives from the local youth anti-substance abuse coalition Not Okay! Don’t Resort to Unlawful Goods and Substances (NODRUGS).

SAFEKIDS follows in Fauxhasset’s time-honored tradition of hyper-specialized, singularly-focused (if short-lived) super-committees, and also of requiring a lot of hyphenation to describe.

We all remember the outstanding efforts of such groups as the Lobstermen And Fishermen For Health and Equity in the Harbors of the East (LAFF HEHE), which stood up against the local lobsters’ guerilla warfare campaign in 1991, and Alligators Located with Love from Inappropriate Ecosystems to Safety (ALLIES), which spearheaded the relocation of 76 alligators that had taken up residence in the potholes of Fauxhasset in 1999. We wish SAFEKIDS equal success.

According to SAFEKIDS, the morals of Humphrey Junior XII’s story are threefold – and if we heed them, then we can prevent further unnecessary deaths.

First, underage drinking is bad. This juvenile whale was far too young to be imbibing with a full-grown tsunami. Humphrey Junior XII didn’t know any better, but Johnny should have. To all parents of teenage children, let this stand as a reminder to make sure your teens never have access to alcohol in the home.

Second, it is critical to consume enough water when one is indulging in alcohol. Young and inexperienced drinkers may not realize how important this is. So, parents of college students, it is your duty to make sure your children understand the importance of hydration before they find out the hard way, away from your supervision and care, like Humphrey Junior XII did.

Third, finally, and perhaps most importantly is this: Johnny must go.

“It is the singular goal of SAFEKIDS to see this ne’er-do-well driven from town, even if we must resort to pitchforks, tar and feathers,” said the RAW. “Figuratively speaking, of course. If you want to kill an ocean wave, there are better techniques.”

The RAW said the committee will vote later this week on whether to start by dumping oil on Johnny or by throwing thousands of plastic straws at him.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 100th Edition: We’re All Mad Here

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The summer climes may be everlasting thanks to Fauxsutawney Fil, but summer vacation, alas, is not. Maybe that’s why everyone in Fauxhasset is so mad this week. It seems that even when the weather is perfect, people will find something to complain about.

Need My #PSL

“Well, sure, the weather is perfect for going to the beach,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh. “But we’re ready for flannel and pumpkin spice lattés and pretty fall leaves, and none of that is happening – at least, not in Fauxhasset. Then, when I take the boys to away games, we’ve got to bundle up because all the other towns are having fall and we’re not.”

And now they don’t have a Starbucks, either.

While other soccer parents agreed that the lack of pumpkin spice lattés is a crime and an outrage, most residents feel that the eternal summer will pay off come December, when neighboring towns are hunkering down for the cold and snow and Fauxhassians are still swimming, sailing, yachting, and stand-up paddle-boarding in our balmy summer waters.

The Dog Days Aren’t Over Till They’re Over

They say the dog days of summer are over after Labrador Day, but are they really over if the Labrador Day Parade doesn’t come through town? Many would argue “no,” and some parents are even refusing to send their children back to school until the traditional summer finale is played out as it should be.

Things were going so well until movement caught her eye, stage right… | Photo credit

Pemborke Mayor Daedalus Doggo said the parade has already happened once and won’t be repeated until next year. Doggo would like to remind Fauxhasset whose fault it is that the parade didn’t make it here this year.

The procession, which features hundreds of Pemborke’s finest Labradors, was unable to continue its march through Fauxhasset, as marchers became distracted by the thousands of cats in attendance of the event. Order could not be restored for several hours, causing towns north of Fauxhasset on the parade route to miss out on the festivities as well.

Looking Ahead to the Holidays

The residents of Fuglyoaks Lane have already begun this year’s campaign to be exempt from handing out king-size candy bars on Halloween, or at least to receive a tax credit from Town Hall, which requires all residents on the street to provide at least one king-size candy bar or “appropriate festive equivalent” to each trick-or-treater on Oct. 31.

It’s too late. This is the new normal. | Photo credit

What started as a friendly competition between neighbors to outdo each other on Halloween was codified into law back in 1982, and residents say the excess is now putting families out of house and home.

“The town is forcing us to choose someone else’s kids over our own,” said one parent. “The worst part is, most of our trick-or-treaters don’t even live on Fuglyoaks – their parents drive them here just so they can get the biggest candy bars! I don’t know how we’ll afford this on top of Christmas every day.”

They might try being Jewish, according to neighbor Cecil Elfman.

“Fauxsutawney Fil didn’t take us into account when he made it Christmas every day,” said Elfman. “At first, we felt bad for our kids, but seeing our friends have to buy and wrap new presents every single day, and a new tree every week… I think not dealing with that hassle was the best gift of all.”

She’s Super, Alright – Super Serious

Princess Diamanda Sparkleopoulos, a student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes, wants to see some changes in the divided lower elementary schools – starting with her own name. The second-grader shall henceforth answer only to “The Diamond Scythe.”

When I grow up, I want to be a diamond warrior. Wait, scratch that; I’ll do it now. | Photo credit

The Diamond Scythe was involved in last week’s invasion of the Temple, and she said the event made her realize how much the girls in town are short-changing themselves by only learning one skill – how to turn superheroes into snowflakes – while their male counterparts are learning a variety of useful supernatural abilities at Captain America’s School for the Awesome.

“I’m not wasting another year perfecting my dendrites. Snowflakes are useless in this weather, anyway,” said The Diamond Scythe. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl. Being super is for everyone, and that’s the sparkly truth.”