Fauxhasset Paroder, 105th Edition: Kings and paupers

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

If you thought sending your kids to college was expensive, try surviving October on Fuglyoaks Lane, where one family just had their Lamborghini repossessed to cover past debts from handing out king-sized candy bars on Halloween.

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Those governmental gluttons! | Artwork by Andrew Jerz

Outsiders may look at Fauxhasset and think we have it all, but it’s not so easy living here. One cannot simply not have a boat or leave empty spaces in the four-car garage or wear cheap Fae Jewelers diamonds. One does not have a summer home on Bicep Beach or a ski chalet up in New Vermaine. One has both, or neither. And if your mansion in Fauxhasset is your only place of residence, you might as well pack up and move to Proxituate.

Above and beyond these hardships, the residents of Fuglyoaks Lane feel they have been dealt an extra-unfair hand. According to the bylaws, residents of this neighborhood must provide at least one king-size candy bar “or appropriate festive equivalent” to each trick-or-treater on Oct. 31.

“No other neighborhood is legally obligated to bankrupt themselves on Halloween,” said longtime Fuglyoaks resident Sean McJeffrey. “I made it my 2018 resolution to stop complaining and actually do something about it this year, and the whole neighborhood agrees with me!”

“The town is forcing us to choose someone else’s kids over our own,” said Martin Thimble next door. “We’re all sick of it, but Sean was the only one brave enough to put his neck out for the rest of us. I think watching that Lamborghini get towed really broke something inside of him.”

McJeffrey recalls growing up in the neighborhood in the 1970s, back in the good old days when residents willingly went above and beyond for Halloween. It all began as a friendly competition, he said. He remembers his mother hand-dipping 500 candy apples one year in an effort to outdo Mrs. Frescott next door, who had let it slip that she would be giving out break-and-bake chocolate chip cookies.

Once the distribution of king-sized candy bars was codified into law in 1982, the holiday became so hard on folks that many had to move out. Some could not even afford to stay in one of Fauxhasset’s less disadvantaged neighborhoods. McJeffrey said the real estate market became a bit of a revolving door, with newcomers quickly moving out when they discovered just how expensive one holiday could be.

“When I was a kid, this neighborhood was like a family, but now I barely know the people living next door,” McJeffrey said, gesturing at Thimble. “This guy’s got a great lawn, but I don’t even know his name. The bylaw has bankrupted so much more than our bank accounts. It’s bankrupted our souls.”

The neighborhood has petitioned the Town to either rescind the bylaw or provide a tax credit to help lessen the impact of this exorbitant tradition. If they don’t get their way, residents plan to spend Halloween distributing eggs and instructions for kids to throw them at the Temple.

“We’re willing to work with these folks,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “We don’t appreciate them resorting to childish threats. Let’s have a civilized dialogue about this and bring it to the Semiannual Town Séance in November. They could have their tax credit as soon as next year.”

That’s not soon enough for the people of Fuglyoaks Lane, who say they have suffered under this unjust requirement for decades now, watching the law rip homes and families apart.

“We don’t need a solution next year,” said Thimble. “We need one now. Halloween is just weeks away. Even one more family lost is too many.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 104th Edition: GREG shakes Town’s tree over foliage

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

For the first time in living memory, the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is upset about something being green – and members are so concerned that the two factions of the divided committee have started speaking to one another again.

The committee split after the trees went missing last winter. Half of the members claimed the trees were angry and urged citizens to repent, while the other half clamored to set up solar panels across town. As the invisible trunks and branches filled with leaves this past spring, the warring contingents still could not agree on the cause or a course of action.

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GREG wants to bring back tree trunks and seasonal foliage. | Photo credit

Now, the Solar and Repent factions are working toward a common goal: to trigger the change of seasons while there’s still time to get a nice fall foliage display.

“If we wait too long, we’ll just skip straight to winter, and nobody wants that,” said Sunny More, Grand Corona of the Solar Faction. “We’d love to avoid That Season altogether. But my faction feels – and even those Repentrists agree – that it just isn’t natural for summer to last forever. It’s time for fall – and in the fall, the leaves must fall.”

“This is exactly the opportunity we’ve been waiting for,” said Sam Bombadil, Great Green Thumb of the Repent faction, in a post to the community Facebook group. “If we can show the trees we’re sorry for messing up the natural cycle of seasons, then everything can go back to normal.”

GREG is working to coordinate a repentance ceremony, but public reception has been mixed.

“Why would we ever want to be normal?” wrote one resident in response to GREG’s Facebook post. “The whole reason we live here is because we’re better than that.”

“GREG was happy when the tree trunks disappeared, and now they want to get rid of the leaves, too,” wrote another. “What is their real goal? When will it stop? We’ve already lost the sky above the harbor. We, as a town, need to put our foot down about this before it spirals out of control.”

Another conspiracy theorist has a simpler hypothesis: It all comes down to money.

“Do you have any idea how much money the Town was making in fines off that Scenic Photography Bylaw?” he said. “No foliage, no photos; no photos, no fines. It’s clear they’ve finally done the math and found the budget coming up short. This is a thinly-veiled attempt to increase revenue before reporting the numbers at the Semi-Annual Town Séance in November.”

Police Chief Stephen Quill, whose department enforces the bylaw, called this claim “patently false.”

“If we needed to collect more fines, we would just stop using the car vaporizer and start handing out parking tickets again, like every other town,” Quill said. “GREG is just trying to do what’s best for Fauxhasset and its environment. Anyone saying otherwise needs to step back and look at the bigger picture – and that’s the only picture anyone should be looking at this fall!”

 

Money just might grow on trees if Fauxhasset police get their way.

Op-Ed: Acting Gods

Dear Editor,

To your recent article, “Should schools get old-school?” I can only respond with a resounding YES! Our teachers have had 118 years to focus on their “quality of life.” It is absolutely time to put them back to work in our children’s classrooms.

For any readers who still doubt this, or who may no longer have children in our fine school system and think this matter doesn’t concern them: It does. Tax dollars are paying for post-employment benefits for these hundred-year-old educators. Your tax dollars. My tax dollars. All of our tax dollars. And this unfunded liability just gets bigger every year.

 

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Oh, so THAT’S how they maintain those girlish figures.

Has nobody else put the pieces together? Well, perhaps not, considering the lack of teachers in our education system, so I’ll spell it out for you: Fauxhasset’s teachers are using their taxpayer-given health assets to achieve immortality. I mean how else do you think they’ve been on strike for 118 years?

It would be one thing if educators were using their eternal lives for the greater good, to continue teaching and shepherding the next generation forever and ever – but they aren’t. The strike that began as a plea for better working conditions and quality of life became a convenient excuse for teachers to take a permanent vacation, to live both as long and as well as gods.

I am not suggesting we take their immortality away from them, simply that they should have to pull their own weight in this community, like the rest of us lowly mortals. It also wouldn’t hurt if they shared the insurance hack for life everlasting with a few of us. I’m sure I’m not the only one in town spending a fortune on my UniHealth coverage. As a lawyer, I’ve read every word of the fine print, and I can assure you there is no immortality clause anywhere in the documentation.

Sincerely,

Thelonious Gripe, Attorney at Law