Fauxhasset Paroder, 69th Edition: Womp, Womp

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s a Christmas miracle! The Womp has, in a rare moment of mercy, returned the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) to the ranks of his fellow Fauxhassians.

Of course, in true Womp fashion, that’s not all that Radiation State Park has given our town today. The LAW emerged from the heart of the forest riding on a velociraptor. Fleeing before the pair in terror were hundreds of tiny deer the size of field mice, each with a tiny, Rudolph-red nose.

The effect was that of a bearded man astride a dinosaur floating epically into town on a phosphorescent red sea. One can hardly blame Father Mumblehill and his apostles for mistaking them for the second coming of Christ.

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Easy mistake to make. Photo credit

The faction was out in force at the entrance to the Womp, with perfume and buckets of sudsy water with which they planned to wash the Lord’s feet, as well as an electrical massage chair for the Savior to recline in while receiving his full pedicure.

Fortunately, the world did not end, and Fauxhasset now has an animal whisperer again – as well as a valued member of the community back from the dead (admit it; you all assumed he was dead).

“We are thankful the Lord has seen fit to let us live another day,” said Father Mumblehill. “Although admittedly, I’m rather disappointed. I was hoping he would sign my Bible. Ah, well. The apocalypse will catch up to us all soon enough.”

The velociraptor is being kept at Captain America’s School for the Awesome, displacing students to the adjacent, rival lower elementary school, Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes Into Snowflakes.

The LAW promised that the accommodations would be temporary, but said that the velociraptor needed ample space and the ice castle at Princess Elsa’s would not have been a suitable environment for the dinosaur’s composition, which is accustomed to the warmer climate of prehistoric Earth.

Students were not happy about the arrangements but agreed to put up with the situation temporarily.

“The boys are all saying how terrible it is that they have to live in our beautiful ice palace and sing ‘Let It Go’ every morning,” said Princess Elsa’s spokeschild Dooey Lembas. “But we girls see it as an opportunity. Santa is watching extra close this time of year, so we’re all going to be on our best behavior.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 30th Edition: Inside Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes

As everyone knows, the Fauxhasset School District is ranked first in the universe for PIE (Professorless Independent Education). What does PIE look like in action? The Paroder goes behind the scenes at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

Of course, this is only half the picture. The lower elementary school split back in 1921, just two decades into the Hundred-Year Teacher Strike. Since then, kindergarten through second grade girls have attended Princess Elsa’s School, while the boys have attended Captain America’s School for the Awesome.

Unfortunately, though the Paroder tried to get footage of Captain America’s School as well, your reporter was not permitted to pass the “No Girls Aloud” sign.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 19th Edition: A Patriot for President

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

President-Elect Tom Brady has notified Fauxhasset Middle-High School students that he will not be accepting their offer of presidency. He has instead delegated the position to Patriots second-string quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo.

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President-Elect Jimmy Garoppolo and his bodyguard toured Fauxhasset Middle-High School on Tuesday. It was the first time anyone over the age of 20 had set foot in the school in 116 years. Photo: Shannon Blackstone via Snapchat

“I can’t decide if I should cry or not,” said sophomore Shannon Blackstone in a statement issued to her Snapchat followers on Friday. “We all really wanted Brady. But, you know, if it had to be someone else, well…  Jimmy is pretty cute, too. I’m just saying.”

Student Body President Zane Harris had his reservations.

“We don’t really know what we’re getting with Garoppolo,” said Harris. “We’ve only seen him on the field a handful of times, and he hasn’t gotten nearly the press coverage Brady has, so we don’t know how he thinks. But uh… the girls seem pretty happy about it, so I guess that’s a good thing.”

Brady sent his regrets in a handwritten letter, which in fact had been delivered several weeks ago, but none of the students had thought to check the snail-mailbox until Christmas packages were due to arrive.

The letter was penned on December 5, the day after Brady won his 201st career football game and surpassed quarterbacks Brett Favre and Peyton Manning to become the GOAT (greatest of all-time).

“I know what I’m good at, and that’s football,” wrote Brady. “Just because I can lead a team to victory doesn’t mean I can lead a nation-state.”

“Besides,” he went on, “Coach finally called me the GOAT; I can’t just walk away from that. I owe it to New England and the rest of the guys to put a Superbowl ring on every finger.”

“I have every confidence that Jimmy will make a great president for your nation-state,” Brady concluded. “He’s extremely teachable, but not afraid to make the tough decisions. Please send us a hard copy of your response, signed and dated, by the first of the year.”

The middle-high school held an emergency vote on Friday and students gave their unanimous support for the change in plans.

“The way I see it, we’re basically taking the VP and making him President,” said Harris. “Now we just have to figure out what a ‘hard copy’ is by January first.”

Fortunately, it seems the students were able to sort out the U.S. Postal Service in time. President-Elect Garoppolo visited the school this morning. He, like the U.S. President, will be sworn in on Jan. 20.