Fauxhasset Paroder, 86th Edition: The New Order of Old People

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The self-storage facility on Route 3A is full, so don’t even bother trying. If you’re old and missed your chance to cryogenically store yourself until this weird time bubble bursts, well, tough cookies; you should’ve bid higher at last weekend’s auction.

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42 Fauxhassians took the big ice nap this weekend. They’ll live forever… but they may never wake up. | Photo credit

The facility contains only 42 units, so naturally, once Father Timeraptor passed through town and made everyone ancient, self-storage capabilities were in high demand. No one wanted to be the first to die.

You can all relax now. That distinguished honor went to Father Mumblehill of the Flaxen Mary Abbey. His service is on Friday at Tony’s Catholic Church for Gangsters and Saints. Final rites will be performed by Deacon Mooney.

Among the preserved were Ben Bentley, the richest man in town; Ord Girdlehyde, who sold the entire harbor estate as well as Castle Girdlehausen to buy his way out of jail and into immortality; Dog, whose humans Two Men And Their Faceless Baby feared his dog years would soon catch up to him; Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo, because he is pretty; and the now-retired Captain of the popular bagel destination Salt Water Dough Rings, as the community agreed it would be important for the future to have someone who knew how to make excellent bagels to keep whoever was left from starving.

Once the richest folks in town had purchased their continued existence via cryogenic freezing, it fell to the rest of the community to determine how things would be run now that most of the town’s leadership was too physically infirm or mentally senile to continue governing.

Zane Harris, formerly student body president of the Fenclave, was appointed interim Town Manager. He surrounded himself with other students, all now roughly 60 years of age.

These included, from Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes: Spokeschild Dooey Lembas and two of her fellow princesses, Victoria Primrose and Diamanda Sparkleopulous. From Captain America’s School for the Awesome, Harris appointed Lieutenant Lava, Sergeant Sandstorm, and The Mighty Oxblood.

The new Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) voted that its first orders of business would be sending a crew in pursuit of Father Timeraptor to see if he would be willing to fix Fauxhasset if they asked him really, really nicely with sprinkles on top, and to acquire enough Legos to rebuild the crumbling Temple.

The Assembly is also committed to the protection of one unidentified 12-year-old girl in possession of a strange pocket watch which has been making her age backwards. She is now the youngest person in Fauxhasset, and her unusual timepiece is highly coveted by all. She was last seen on the run with a faceless fifty-year-old woman, fleeing into the Womp under cover of darkness.

If the girl and woman emerge, they are not to be harmed, decreed the Assembly. But let’s be honest: The strangeness that is Radiation State Park will likely keep them safer and better-hidden than any humans ever could.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 85th Edition: How To Be A Human 101

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Over the weekend, 1,000 of Fauxhasset’s newest residents crowded into the Waffle House for a conference retreat hosted by the Helping the Unearthly Masses Acclimate to the Newworld (HUMAN) Society. The retreat was organized by Jedi Master Devan Branch, former full-time part-timer.

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Quick, pretend to be human! | Photo credit

Branch founded the HUMAN Society this spring to help the 8,000 illegal aliens who moved to town in January after an interdimensional portal opened in the sky over the wetlands.

The aliens say they’re happy here and don’t wish to leave, calling it “the most perfect place in the universe” (and they aren’t wrong). However, they clearly have no idea how to live like us or among us, and that incongruity is taking its toll on the rightful residents of our fine town.

The weekend was dedicated to teaching newcomers the necessary skills for surviving in Earth society – and, more specifically, in the very unique and special society of Fauxhasset, which as we all know is in a league of its own.

On Friday evening, Branch taught the aliens the essentials of coming and going – rule number one being “Never go out past 9:00 p.m.” Nothing good can happen after 9:00 p.m., even (or especially) if that infernal Waffle House stays open all night long.

Branch also taught that it is necessary to pick a side in the ongoing Grocery Wars. While the HUMAN Society will not prevent or punish anyone for choosing Cop & GOP over Gnaws, he said, they cannot abide a flip-flopper who just shops willy-nilly wherever the fancy strikes him.

On Saturday, the aliens learned about the importance of appearances.

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Yeah, just like that! Perfect! | Photo credit

The art of appearance is not just about hiding one’s green skin, tentacles, or excess features and appendages (defined as “more than two” for all features and appendages besides the nose and mouth, of which there should be one each, no more, no less).

But appearances are so much more than that, said Branch. It’s about the car you drive, the kids that your kids hang out with at school, and the tiny embroidered logo on the pocket of your polo shirt (appropriate images include a man riding a horse, a smiling whale, or a very smol alligator, no teeth).

It’s about volunteering for all the right causes. Never mind showing up, Branch added; the important thing is that your name is attached to something bigger than yourself, and everyone can see that.

It is about the state of your lawn, Fauxhasset! We all know how important it is to take care of one’s lawn. Nine tenths of neighbor relations boil down to adequate lawncare.

On Sunday, Branch wrapped up the conference up with family talk.

Aliens had an opportunity to practice the art of the humble kid-brag in live simulations. A volunteer artist was on site creating custom vinyl stick figure decals for the aliens to put on their vehicles so that everyone else can see exactly what their family looks like and enjoys.

Finally, Branch concluded, if all else fails, try adopting a dog – “It will give you something to talk about,” he said.

A representative from the local animal shelter was outside, trying to pass off some of Fauxhasset’s excess cats as dogs to the unwitting adopters. 400 “dogs” found their way into forever homes and forever hearts that day.

“There’s a lot about this town that we take for granted,” Branch told the Paroder in an exclusive interview. “Even other humans are confused by us. Whether or not Fauxhasset is ‘the most perfect place in the universe’ as the aliens believe it to be, it’s definitely one of the most unique places in the universe. Climbing that learning curve isn’t easy, even – or especially – if you have a spaceship.”

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: The Sobby Story Of Sobby Raint-John

Dear Editor,

I read the paper last week and saw that stupid letter that claimed I was lost in the Waffle House. Yeah, no. First, can you say propaganda? Second, that place is a miracle. Third, I did not disappear and I’m pretty sure there has been crime in Fauxhasset. But, you see, I’m the one who has been filling in for all 26 or whatever number of jobs Devan Branch used to have since he became a full-time Jedi and started the HUMAN Society. I just don’t have the time or energy to write about anything right now.

The last few weeks or months or something have been filled with constant on-the-job training. Devin was the Rookie Ranger for the Womp and now that responsibility has fallen on me. That place is such a mess without him, and with it being mid-summer ALL THE TIME now (thanks, Fauxsutawney Fil), it requires SO MUCH attention. I’m pretty sure I have Lime Disease again too. No, not Lyme Disease. Lime Disease. Like Scurvy. Because Devan was ALSO a part-time PIRATE.

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WHERE’S MY KINDLY JEDI MASTER, DEVAN BRANCH??? | Photo credit

Let’s also not forget that Devan was a part-time Jedi. I’ll be honest, that’s the only reason I’m doing all this. Once he was promoted, I got his old training light saber. But, there are like a million questions I have that nobody can answer. How long does the battery on this take to charge? I’ve left it plugged in for like 48 hours and I still don’t know how to turn it on. Is it safe? Can I take it on a plane or does it have one of those banned lithium-ion batteries?

And oh yeah, did any of you remember that Devan was a part-time minstrel, too? I sure didn’t when I volunteered for to fill his shoes! The only reason I had time to write this letter is I’m going to use it for the song I am working on right now. Verbatim.

I wake up in a cold sweat everyday because I’m sure I forgot to go to one of the dozens of jobs he had. Devan. HOW DID YOU DO IT ALL?!? AM I GETTING PAID FOR ANY OF THIS?

Sincerely, miserably, and with the utmost respect and exhaustion,
Sobby Raint-John