Fauxhasset Paroder, 97th Edition: Extra! Extra! Extraterrestrials

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The aliens have saved the day! Every alien family has adopted one of Fauxhasset’s 3,000-plus spare cats, which were previously being housed in the local library due to insufficient space at the animal shelter.

Granted, it took months of careful manipulation to convince them, but the aliens now believe that the cats are actually dogs and that adopting them has made them more American. Now, at last, the library can be used for more bookish purposes again.

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Actually the aliens were easy to convince. The hardest part was convincing the cats they were dogs. | Photo credit

The library held a grand reopening last weekend. For the first time since the aliens arrived, some of Fauxhasset’s human children were allowed to mingle with the newcomers. Much to everyone’s surprise, the human and alien children interacted as if there were no difference between them.

“I must say it was… shocking. Unsettling, even,” said one young father, while his four-year-old son played a game of “Duck, Duck, Goose” with seven other humans and eight aliens, facilitated by HUMAN Society founder Devan Branch. “It was like they couldn’t even tell the difference.”

That, according to Branch, is the whole point of HUMAN, a support group he created for the purpose of “Helping the Unearthly Masses Acclimate to the Newworld.”

“They are just like us,” Branch said. “They live in Fauxhasset, they pay taxes, their kids go to school here. They pay for the color-coded dump bags, just like us. Their android au pairs have to display beach stickers just like everyone else’s. Just like you and me, they circle the soccer fields on Saturdays looking for a spot to park. They too must floss the glitter out from between their teeth after brushing. They just need a little help understanding some things that long-time townies take for granted.”

For instance, said Branch, we all know that families are legally obligated to display stick figure renditions of themselves on the rear windshield of their cars: Mom, Dad, little Johnny with his football, little Susie in her tutu, little Fido with his collar and bone.

It was necessary to explain this to the aliens, and they still have not quite grasped the requirement. Their windshields seem to depict an awful lot of eyeballs, tentacles, and general gooiness that comes altogether too close in appearance to the extra fat that locals have paid so much to liposuction off.

“It’s a work in progress,” Branch said breezily. “They’ve already learned so much.”

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Ϩΐʛɧ£ΐϨα claims to have been smiling for the artist when this stick figure rendition was created. | Photo credit

The students of the Fenclave have embraced the alien culture – especially its bizarre and extravagant sense of fashion – wholeheartedly.

“These extraterrestrials are, like, super extra,” said Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone. “But I love it. Look, my friend ϾΐиᴆεяεŁŁα replaced my hair with fiber optics! We’re going into business together. Our Alienwear fall cosmetics line will be for sale online in a couple of weeks.”

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A sneak peek at the fall cosmetics line from Alienwear. | Photo credit

“Don’t get me wrong,” said an anonymous mom whose fifth-grader was seen trading shoes with one of the aliens at the library’s grand reopening – a pair of pink Crocs for a pair of bedazzled crocodile skulls. “I think it’s great for the kids to be exposed to other cultures. But I admit I’m a little worried about what my daughter is learning from them.”

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Op-Ed: The Sobby Story of Sobby Raint-John – Part III

Hey Fauxhasset!

I hope I haven’t kept you all waiting too long since my last update. Job number two on my list was Rookie Ranger of the Womp, so, lightsaber in hand (I still don’t know how to turn it on) I set off into the woods to, uh, do whatever it is that rangers do. Here is a list of all the weird things I’ve seen/heard in the last 72 hours:

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I don’t want to see what happens when this deer gets to mating season.| Photo credit

  1. Deer with fractal antlers
  2. The pig-bear and pig-bear cub
  3. A lot of Womping (this happens all night)
  4. Too many small animals for the woods to support
  5. Cats (even the Womp is not spared from the overcrowding of felines)
  6. A fox walking on a waterwheel like a treadmill (no idea what that’s about)
  7. A man in white long johns
  8. Perfectly immobile forest fires
  9. Lost alien tourists (I tried to give them directions, but I’m just as lost as they are.)
  10.  Sneezing mushrooms (one would start up and that got all the rest going.)
  11. An unidentified 58year-old woman
  12. Graffiti suspended in mid air
  13. A giant totem pole surrounded by talking animals, which kept saying, “He’ll be back. I know he will.” Over and over and over.
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The Great Raccoon will come like a thief in the night, say the scriptures. | Photo credit

I might have hallucinated that last one. I haven’t actually slept since stepping into the Womp, both from fear and from the aforementioned womping.

What I have learned though is the Womp is entirely out of control. But maybe it’s never been in control. I am going to think about that as I figure out if I can eat one of these indestructible porcupines. I mean, they cook just fine, but I’m not sure if you can even get to the meat. Anyway, I befriended a rather small owl who calls himself Ascalaphus and if he’s not just another hallucination, he says he’ll be able to take this letter I wrote on bark to the Paroder.

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I can only hope he’ll return with the Hogwarts acceptance letter I’ve been awaiting for 18 years. | Photo credit

Until next time readers,
Sobby

Fauxhasset Paroder, 96th Edition: Work That Grass. But Actually, Don’t.

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Something terrible is happening. More terrible than the missing trees, the sparkling water, and the Christmas that won’t end. More terrible, even, than the sky that was torn down over our fine harbor.

The grass is turning brown.

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Pretty soon they’ll probably add it to the endangered species list. | Photo credit

Even households with the latest and greatest Google irrigation systems have been unable to keep their lawns green. It doesn’t matter if the artificially intelligent systems water early, late, or all day long. No matter how long they run their sprinklers or how often the droids clean out the glitter filters, the grass continues its alarming progression from lush and healthful to scraggly, dry, and ugly.

“It’s an eyesore and an absolute outrage,” one mansion owner on Mecca Mile told the Paroder. “I can’t believe those idiots at Town Hall haven’t done anything about this.”

“I blame it on Ord Girdlehyde dumping all that glitter into the groundwater back when he was building his tacky Castle Girdlehausen,” said a resident of Atlantis Boulevard. “It’s killing everything in town!”

His neighbors disagreed. “This is all Toto’s fault,” said a Sand Street homeowner. “He blessed the rains down in Africa, but what about the rains right here at home? Didn’t think of that, did he?”

But the Panic Brigade isn’t panicking, and neither should you, Fauxhasset. The Water Department and both factions of the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) assure us that it is perfectly natural for the grass to turn brown at this time of year. It is part of the grass’s natural life cycle and is in no way an omen that the end is nigh.

The apostles of the late Father Mumblehill have scoured the Book of Apocalypses and confirmed that, while there have been omens, brown grass is not one of them according to any of Mumblehill’s 792 divinely verified apocalyptic scenarios.

Water Commissioner Golf Rusteby says the grass is just taking a nap.

“What people should be worried about is running out of drinking water,” said Rusteby. “They give it all to the grass, there won’t be any left for them. That’s just common sense.”

Rusteby said the grass will turn green again in September, all on its own, and residents should make every effort to conserve water in the meantime – including shutting down those automatic watering systems and restricting manual watering to hours of the late evening and early morning.

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Having grass isn’t that great, anyway. Look what happens when you have grass. | Photo credit

“Brown grass is all the rage, anyway,” said GREG’s Kelvin Ermits, who subscribes to the Repent Faction. “You should see the lawns out in California. It’s all 100-percent grass-fed grass out there. Every blade’s all-natural, organic, gluten-free, and vegan. And you know what color their lawns are?”

“That’s right: Brown,” Ermits said. “Nature out there is like, ‘Hey, guys, I woke up like this,’ and everybody’s just like, ‘Omg you’re fabulous. You do you, honey.’ We need to take a leaf – or rather, a blade of grass – out of their book and just let nature live its best life.”