Fauxhasset Paroder, 66th Edition: GOSH Darnit

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) should have booked a bigger meeting room for their Monday night meeting, the agenda of which was dedicated to a proposed development in the heart of the wetlands bordered by Mecca Mile, Atlantis Boulevard and Sand Street.

Local business owner Ord Girdlehyde plans to construct a castle on the site to supplement the rooms available at his Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) on the harbor, which Girdlehyde said is frequently too full of displaced Fauxhasset residents in need of short-term housing to accommodate any actual paying guests.

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Girdlehyde swears the castle will be “tasteful and attractive,” not “stark and military.” | Photo credit

The new establishment will be called the Girdlehausen. Abutters turned out in droves to object to the development, calling the structure an “eyesore” and an “attractive nuisance for the children.”

Neighbors are trying to act like they are upset about the potential environmental impact of the project, the flagrant disregard of local wetlands bylaws, the reputation for late-night noise at Girdlehyde’s other establishments, and of course, as ever, the dearth of parking in town.

“Our children go to bed at 6:30 p.m.,” said one woman at the GOSH meeting. “Our friends on the harbor tell us that Ord’s coyote tenants are up playing that techno music until three in the morning on a regular basis. Now he wants to bring that noise to another neighborhood? That isn’t Fauxhasset. Ord just wants to make money. He doesn’t care about us, our children, or our town. He’s not even here tonight.”

Girdlehyde responded via Skype from his fall home in the Appalachian Mountains.

“First of all, I am hurt that you say I am not here tonight,” Girdlehyde said. “I am very much here. I am speaking right now, as you can see.”

“Secondly,” Girdlehyde went on, “the coyotes are not tenants. Like the others staying at the hotel, they are simply displaced; I am doing them a favor. The hotel is not their legal address; they are simply staying with me until they can settle some issues with their permanent residence.”

“Finally,” Girdlehyde concluded, “a correction of terms. The music they are playing – it is not techno. This is not 1997. These are cutting-edge artists – visionaries! Very popular in Germany and the Arctic. They would be hurt to hear you say ‘techno.’”

Be that as it may, noise was ostensibly one of the reigning concerns among Mecca Mile area residents who attended the meeting on Monday. But we all know that their true fear is that Girdlehyde’s castle will upstage their mansions, forcing them to continue building up and out to remain the most glamorous property in the neighborhood.

Good luck with that, since Girdlehyde has partnered with painter Stuart Semple – inventor of the world’s glitteriest glitter, who has a vacation home in Fauxhasset – to develop a custom paint for the castle’s exterior. It’s likely that even Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes will be put to shame.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 65th Edition: Oh Deer Deer Deer Deer Deer Deer Deer Deer

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s that time of year, folks: deer are moving outside of their normal territories and habits in search of mating partners, which may bring them into closer contact with humans.

Last fall, police responded to no fewer than 42 deer-related car accidents in the months of November and December. Incidentally, 42 was also the number of antlers each of those deer had sprouting from its head, leading residents and experts alike to label them “monsters,” “beasts,” and “demons.”

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Artist’s rendering of what Fauxhasset residents’ pets could look like if infected by the mutant deer. | Photo credit

The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) claimed to have “slain the beast” last winter – as if there had only been one, and as if such a creature could be slain. No – what LAW did was wrestle a light saber from a local part-time Jedi and use it to inhumanely part the creature from its crown of antlers, thereby giving experts the opportunity to count them – but at what cost?

Readers, you will remember that the Womp took the LAW for its own this past summer. Perhaps now we begin to grasp why.

Last year’s mutant deer met a happier fate. The population seems to have had a successful mating season and spawned a new, more wondrous and terrible generation – giving birth not to live young separate from their own bodies, but to dozens of tiny deer affixed to the tips of their antlers.

Police advise that drivers be extra watchful on the roads – and please, for the love of Jobs, put down the iPhone Ω while operating your vehicle. Witnesses have reported encountering these deer through the new device’s alternate reality interface, leaving them shaken at best and sobbing into a pint of Jen & Berry’s strawberry potato chip ice cream in a therapist’s office three times a week at worst.

Reportedly, the alternate reality interface maps the deer’s true form onto an animated one, which dances and sings infectious karaoke tunes. At least seven victims have been infected with that erstwhile earworm, “Trevor Gonna Live You Up” by Brick Ashley.

We repeat, DO NOT look at the deer with your iPhone Ω. Encounter them wild and unfiltered, as nature never intended them to be. Behold the abomination with your naked eyeballs.

The Regional Animal Whisperer (RAW) urges residents to “live and let live” with regard to the deer, no matter how frightening they may appear. “Let nature run its course,” the RAW advised.

There is, however, a contingent of activists who believe the mutants should be hunted to the point of extinction before next year rolls around to reveal what fresh horrors the next generation will bring.

Will these fractal antlers continue to grow until each deer carries thousands of young upon its head? Or will something even more unthinkable happen, putting the citizens of our fine town at risk? Many pet owners are concerned that their furry friends could become infected by whatever is creating this Fibonacci offspring effect and are urging town officials to act before it’s too late.

What do you think? If any of our fine, educated readers have comments, concerns or ideas, please sound off in the comments section!

Fauxhasset Paroder, 64th Edition: Oh, Baby

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Something truly terrible, dark and disturbing has happened in Fauxhasset this Halloween – something so horrible we scarcely dare put it to paper (or rather, screen, since our print edition was discontinued some months ago).

However, the news is the news, and we must print it, no matter how grim. So here it is. Reader discretion is advised. Feel free to click away; we have already logged your visit as a page view. Ready?

A woman had a baby.

Ordinarily this would be joyous news and cause for celebration – a reason for parties and casseroles and heavily gendered onesies in pastel pink and blue, neatly categorizing the infant as either a “Little Flirt” or a “Chick Magnet,” thus placing them in the box they will inexorably occupy for life.

However, this baby was born without a face.

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Exactly like this statue of a baby by a prophetic artist in Prague. How did he know? | Photo credit

The mother said she has reason to believe the father, with whom she had a one-night stand during the Thousand-Inch Snow, was an alien.

“He swore he wasn’t that kind of alien,” the mother told the Paroder in an exclusive interview (her name has been withheld to protect the child). “He told me he was from Canada. But fast forward nine months and I’ve got a baby without a face. How do I feed it? How is it breathing?”

“I can’t even tell if it’s a boy or a girl,” she added. “The face isn’t all that’s missing.”

Doctors are baffled. The baby cries like a normal baby, despite not having a mouth. It definitely poops, too, despite lacking any evident equipment for doing so. Experts are saying that extensive surgery will be necessary for the child to live anything resembling a normal life.

The mother, however, doesn’t want to pay for it. She says the father lied to her, and now is the time for him to step up and do his part by funding the surgery – as well as any physical therapy, special education, and counseling expenses for both her and the child.

“I should have known he was lying when he cooked bacon the morning after,” the mother said bitterly. “He was storing it all balled up in a Ziploc bag in the freezer. When we woke up, he just plunked the whole thing into a saucepan and waited for it to thaw. Like some sort of… well, alien.”

The baby will remain at the hospital, receiving fluids and nutrients intravenously, until doctors figure out what to do and whose health insurance is going to cover it. The mother, meanwhile, has taken a private jet to Hawaii, where she plans to spend the next few weeks reevaluating her life.