By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
The self-storage facility on Route 3A is full, so don’t even bother trying. If you’re old and missed your chance to cryogenically store yourself until this weird time bubble bursts, well, tough cookies; you should’ve bid higher at last weekend’s auction.
The facility contains only 42 units, so naturally, once Father Timeraptor passed through town and made everyone ancient, self-storage capabilities were in high demand. No one wanted to be the first to die.
You can all relax now. That distinguished honor went to Father Mumblehill of the Flaxen Mary Abbey. His service is on Friday at Tony’s Catholic Church for Gangsters and Saints. Final rites will be performed by Deacon Mooney.
Among the preserved were Ben Bentley, the richest man in town; Ord Girdlehyde, who sold the entire harbor estate as well as Castle Girdlehausen to buy his way out of jail and into immortality; Dog, whose humans Two Men And Their Faceless Baby feared his dog years would soon catch up to him; Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo, because he is pretty; and the now-retired Captain of the popular bagel destination Salt Water Dough Rings, as the community agreed it would be important for the future to have someone who knew how to make excellent bagels to keep whoever was left from starving.
Once the richest folks in town had purchased their continued existence via cryogenic freezing, it fell to the rest of the community to determine how things would be run now that most of the town’s leadership was too physically infirm or mentally senile to continue governing.
Zane Harris, formerly student body president of the Fenclave, was appointed interim Town Manager. He surrounded himself with other students, all now roughly 60 years of age.
These included, from Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes: Spokeschild Dooey Lembas and two of her fellow princesses, Victoria Primrose and Diamanda Sparkleopulous. From Captain America’s School for the Awesome, Harris appointed Lieutenant Lava, Sergeant Sandstorm, and The Mighty Oxblood.
The new Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) voted that its first orders of business would be sending a crew in pursuit of Father Timeraptor to see if he would be willing to fix Fauxhasset if they asked him really, really nicely with sprinkles on top, and to acquire enough Legos to rebuild the crumbling Temple.
The Assembly is also committed to the protection of one unidentified 12-year-old girl in possession of a strange pocket watch which has been making her age backwards. She is now the youngest person in Fauxhasset, and her unusual timepiece is highly coveted by all. She was last seen on the run with a faceless fifty-year-old woman, fleeing into the Womp under cover of darkness.
If the girl and woman emerge, they are not to be harmed, decreed the Assembly. But let’s be honest: The strangeness that is Radiation State Park will likely keep them safer and better-hidden than any humans ever could.