Fauxhasset Paroder, 78th Edition: The Return of the Groundhog

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Groundhog Day came and went with the normal amount of fanfare. Punxsutawney Phil made his customary appearance on the Common, emerging from the Hallowed Burrow to prophesy six more weeks of winter to the thousands of residents listening raptly on the Town Common.

Fauxsutawney Fil, a large raccoon who claimed to be the reincarnation of the original groundhog RALPH and last year triggered the Thousand Foot Snow, was long gone through the Accursed Burrow. Fauxhasset believed it was safe from anything more sinister than another 42 days of winter.

It was wrong.

woman-with-money-falling-from-ceiling

Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone says residents’ discarded cash will boost the nation-state’s fledgling economy. | Photo credit

Just as the festivities were dying down, the stars began to keen and a steady womp-womp-womp could be heard in the distance. An unnaturally large blue moon appeared in the west to face down the small, pale gibbous rising in the east.

Soon the massive impostor raccoon appeared on the horizon, silhouetted against the uncanny blue moon and flanked by his multi-specied worshippers (including 13 indestructible porcupines, which were supposed to ensure Fauxhasset never saw the impostor raccoon again, but had apparently been converted to Fil’s cause).

“My fellow Fauxhassians,” Fil boomed. “Last year, you drove me out of your fine town, being displeased with the eternal winter I so benevolently bestowed upon you. This year, I will do better. Phil has promised you six more weeks of winter. I now promise you that winter is hereby over – forever.”

“Cold? Snow? Things of the past,” Fil promised. “Instead, I give you warmth, sunshine, and Christmas every day!”

xmas-in-summer

Not like this was a rare sight, anyway. | Photo credit

Explosive applause from the children. As for the adults, those gathered seemed uncertain whether or not to cheer. Many began to clap at the mention of permanent paradise weather, only to freeze up at the mention of permanent Christmas. Other simply downed their drinks and threw their cash in the air.

“Eh, we were just going to burn it to keep our home warm for the next six weeks, anyway,” explained one celebrant. “Not sure Christmas every day will eat through it fast enough.”

Fil and his congregation returned peacefully to the Womp, while befuddled residents trailed back to their homes. Students of the Fenclave stayed late into the night raking up all the cash with the help of the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG).

“I am constantly blown away by the disrespect these people show to the environment,” said GREG Chairman Kelvin Ermits. “All this litter – we provided receptacles for paper, plastic and glass at every exit! How much easier can we make it?”

Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone said, “I think the thing we need to address, and no one is talking about this – but all this paper is actually, like, money. I mean, it’s old money. We can’t, like, Venmo it or anything. But President Jimmy says it has legit value, so we’re collecting it to add to our burgeoning economy.”

“Hey,” Blackstone added, looking over her shoulder to Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo for guidance. “Do colleges take this stuff?”

Advertisements

Fauxhasset Paroder, 77th Edition: Cat-astrophe on the Corner

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder

The library is closed until further notice. It has been co-opted as an emergency homeless shelter for cats.

There was nowhere else to put them, officials said apologetically. The animal shelters in all nearby towns are already full, and the Local and Regional Animal Whisperers (LAW and RAW) are in jail for conspiring to rip open space-time and flood our beautiful town with aliens.

b1zamu_iaaazliw

Thamanda Crompson’s 12 adopted cats. | Photo credit

The cats started materializing in November in the intersection outside of the Paroder office. Ever since reconstruction was completed on the Abraham Building that’s kitty corner to the news office, the cats have been appearing with greater and greater frequency.

At first, it was just two or three a week. Then it was two or three a day. Now they’re spawning almost hourly. Your reporter has adopted 12, and a generous unidentified 62-year-old woman accepted 23 before declining any more additions to her home, lest she cross the line into “crazy cat lady” territory (a line she drew arbitrarily at “two dozen”).

“I’m trying to do right by these precious babies,” said the unidentified woman, “but it’s time some other folks in this town started taking responsibility.”

Mecca Mile residents and the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) would agree, since the hundreds of cats have been making a giant litterbox of our town’s fine beaches.

“It’s unsanitary,” said Azula Inras, Town Wellness Warrior and Chosen Wielder of the Blue Cross and Shield. “Wish we still had that black hole in the harbor.”

“If we could just speak with the cats,” the LAW said from behind bars, “we could find out what they want. It may be quite simple: a different flavor of kibble, a different scent of litter, more string to chase or mice to catch. A simple conversation could help us meet their demands and live in peace.”

The RAW agreed, adding, “Even if it’s something more complicated, like the legalization of catnip – starting the conversation is the first step. We may not see eye-to-eye, but we’ll never reach a compromise if we don’t talk to them.”

From the next cell, hotelier Ord Girdlehyde threw in his two cents.

“It is nice of whoever turned the library into a cat sanctuary, isn’t it? Almost like a hotel for cats. I mean, not that I had anything to do with it – I am just saying it is nice,” Girdlehyde said. “The snow is very cold out there. It is important to have a place that feels like home, even when one cannot be truly at home.”

cats-livingroom

They’ve definitely made themselves at home, all right. | Photo credit

“That is why I’ve put down this fine shag carpeting here in my cell and strung up these lovely Edison bulbs,” Girdlehyde rambled on. “It feels so much warmer, wouldn’t you say? The cats needed this, as well. We all need this. Deep down, we are all the same.”

Until a solution is found to the cat situation, library use is discouraged, especially for those who suffer from fur and dander-related allergies. In the meantime, may we suggest asking your question to Alexa or Siri? Come on, people – it’s 2018; who even needs books anymore?

Fauxhasset Paroder, 76th Edition: Make Like a Tree and – Wait, No, Come Back

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Residents awoke this morning to find the trees gone. Nowhere in town was a single tree to be found standing. Even the heap of discarded Christmas trees at the transfer center had vanished.

missing-christmas-tree-420w

Have you seen me? | Photo credit

There were no stumps to indicate that the trees had been cut down, and police said they had not received any noise complaints about buzz saws or other equipment that would have been required to fell and remove thousands of trees overnight.

A woman was found dancing and weeping beside the town common, where an iconic ash tree had spread its leaves wide for nigh 500 years.

“I’m having a shade tree hearing,” the woman explained between twirls. “That means I’m thanking it for 499 years of blissful shade in the summer heat. I would have liked to say so while it was still here, but isn’t that always the way? We never tell anyone how much we appreciate them till they’re gone.”

Residents were quick to point fingers, but none could agree on who was responsible.

Several pinned the incident on the large new alien population, reasoning that Fauxhasset’s newest residents wanted the town to look more like their barren home planet.

Others blamed hotelier Ord Girdlehyde – who, to be fair, destroyed several acres of wetland to build his latest hotel, Castle Girdlehausen, in the fall, not to mention poisoning the water table with glitter.

Girdlehyde himself pointed to developer JJ Henry, who was responsible for the luxury condos at 8 Lame Jane and many others in town, as far back as the Achey Cedars development in the 1970s. However, Henry hasn’t been seen since the Lame Jane townhomes burned to the ground in September.

Mavin Kirk, daughter of Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk and a resident of the Fenclave, told the Paroder that the Ents had at last gone in search of their lost Entwives, and we should be happy for them. “It’s very romantic,” she assured us.

X-Ray Xanadu, Spokeschild for Captain America’s School for the Awesome, said the Grinch had taken them all, but not to worry – he was rallying the superhero troops to get the trees back.

The disappearance of the trees has caused a schism in the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG). Half the members are claiming that the trees are angry with us and we must repent to bring them back. The other half is already setting up solar panels across the town.

Those idiots at Town Hall said they’re working feverishly to get to the bottom of the mystery.

“Whoever did this never came to us for a permit,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “Not that we would have approved it! I’m just saying that, in addition to greatly inconveniencing the citizens of Fauxhasset and sowing fear in the community, they also failed to adhere to the local bylaws. Therefore, we’re taking this very seriously.”

Officials urged residents to remain calm (and also to remain at home, just in case some great and inexplicable evil is afoot… or in case the trees reappear suddenly, lest anyone become trapped inside of one). But no one should panic, officials were quick to add. The situation is under control. Especially the panicking part of the situation. The Panic Brigade has that well-covered.

Still, if anyone feels inclined to repent, it’s probably not a bad idea.