ROOOAAAAD TRIIIIIP!

In 36 hours, I’ll be hitting the road for a 6-week Eastern US road trip! My goal is to Onewheel with as many people in as many places as possible and see parts of the country I’ve never experienced. I’ll be producing lots of content along the way, so make sure you’re socialing the medias with me:

Instagram: @1woman1wheel
YouTube: @1woman1wheel
Facebook: @amandasaurusrex (you can follow my public posts, but I may not friend you if we haven’t met – nothing personal!)

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Photo credit: Schuyler Ortega

All blog posts and videos will appear on my SHINY NEW website (alongside a feed from your beloved Fauxhasset Paroder)(I finally caved and bought a real domain). You can sign up for email notifications if you want to keep up with the latest content from my journey. The site also has links to rad t-shirts you can buy to help support my travels (my own designs, brought to life by my girl Christine at InMemoryDecal). Hoping to get more swag up there soon, as well as a Kofi link so you can all help keep me caffeinated during those long stretches of highway, if you are so inclined.

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OneLove shirt at Float365.club

Please comment if there’s anything specific you’d like to read or watch as I make my way down the East Coast – I’m open to ideas and inspiration! If your comment was going to be that you want to read Fauxhasset Paroder articles even though I’m traveling, don’t worry – it’s on my to-do list 🙂

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Just Ask K: Kim Kardashian Debuts Smartwatch With Its Own AI

“OK, K. Book me a hair appointment.”

“You got it, girl. You wanna get your nails did too?”

“Obvy. Book me a mani/pedi while you’re at it.”

That’s K: Always looking out for her human. K is the new artificial intelligence (AI) by Kim Kardashian, developed to live on the fashionista’s new line of BabyKakes wearables. K is designed to be everything her wearers wish they could be: Chic, sassy, and oh-so-sparkly.

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Even the base model is sparkly af. | Photo credit

Forget Alexa. And forget all those ugly smartwatches that look like you borrowed them from your boyfriend. BabyKakes blends form and function with its first wearable: A watch that features fitness tracking, 10,000 microscopic Swarovski crystals per unit, and its own proprietary AI, “K.”

Prior to presenting the first BabyKakes watch to Fauxhasset fashionista Mim Sartashian, Kardashian took a moment to tell the Paroder about the inspiration behind BabyKakes, which emerged from stealth today, April 1, 2018.

“The wearable market, it’s just not as cute and fun as a fashion girl like myself would want it to be,” Kardashian explained. “And Alexa’s kind of just this basic bitch. I mean she’s helpful, but she’s all-business, whereas K is all about making users fabulous, while getting things done in their day-to-day lives.”

The Kardashian sisters aren’t above sporting some, well, sporty looks: Kim was recently spotted in a pair of cycling shorts, a hoodie, and beat-up sneakers during a charity event marking the grand opening of a Los Angeles community center.

However, the clan is ultimately all about high couture – and most wearables, or at least, smartwatches, aren’t. They necessarily come with a large face and tend to look rather manly, despite efforts to make them more sleek and stylish with trendy or interchangeable wristbands.

 

The Watch

The majority of smartwatches look like exactly what they are, Kardashian said. It’s not a subtle look.

“I’m not about ‘subtle,’” Kardashian added, “but if I’m going to be in your face, I’d better be glamorous while doing it – and that’s what BabyKakes is all about.”

In contrast, BabyKakes’ first smartwatch will feature 10,000 microscopic Swarovski crystals on the rotating crown that borders the face (used for scrolling through notifications) and inset behind the screen itself, which is completely clear when not in use – giving the watch a unique sparkle until the wearer chooses to activate it.

Notifications can be displayed upon receipt or muted so that they don’t obscure this unique aesthetic feature. The watch can still deliver vibrational notifications while the screen is muted.

Customers can choose between white, black, pink, or yellow crystals and can even opt to have the detailing continue around the band, or select a simple yet bold gold link design.

 

The Smart

So much for the fashion angle. Just how smart is this smartwatch?

According to early reviews from bloggers and beta testers, the BabyKakes watch does all the usual fitness stuff, including step counting, heart rate tracking, and calorie monitoring – but makes all of it extra fabulous, adding a dash of sass to every conversation.

Having trouble following that L.A. diet or workout regimen? K is there to support users every step of the way (literally), cheering them on as they run, lift, crunch, or suffer through a bowl of tough but healthy kale. K knows when it’s time to remind the wearer to drink water during a workout and holds the owner accountable in the face of temptations such as those gourmet donuts that are so trendy right now.

And of course, what would a smartwatch be if it didn’t link to your American Express Centurion “Black Card?” Basically nothing. That’s why Kardashian partnered with AmEx to power contactless payments with the BabyKakes watch as well as future wearables to be designed by her fashion line, Zapphire.

 

The Future

Kardashian made it clear that she doesn’t want to stop at smartwatches – this was simply the most natural entry point for a stylish woman who was sick of wearing watches that looked like she’d borrowed it from her husband.

BabyKakes is now working to develop smart rings, pendants, and cuffs, said Kardashian. Look for the new pieces next year on April 1, 2019.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 79th Edition: O Captain! My Bagel Captain!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Captain of everyone’s favorite bagel shop, Salt Water Dough Rings, announced his retirement this week. No sooner had the Captain finished his retirement speech than, to everyone’s disappointment and no one’s surprise, the restaurant immediately revealed its true form as a real estate office.

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A toast to you, Mon Capitan. | Photo credit

“The Captain was really what made this place special,” said one resident, an unidentified 61-year-old woman who claimed she had eaten breakfast there daily for an unspecified number of decades (but rest assured it was a lot).

“Why, I remember when Main Street was nothing but real estate offices,” said the woman. “Long time ago – well, not that long, as I am but a spring chicken myself! The Captain was the first to transform one of the storefronts into something greater, something that served those who were already living in our fine town and not just those who were thinking about it.”

Salt Water Dough Rings is the second landmark restaurant in Fauxhasset to close its doors since the outset of the New Year. The Redfin Eatery also shuttered back in January.

However, being located on the state highway rather than in the Village proper, Redfin did not revert into a real estate office. Instead, it was immediately replaced by a Waffle House. It is still unclear what type of food, if any, is served at the Waffle House; reports vary widely.

Students of the Fenclave held a lamentation ceremony on the sidewalk in front of the former Salt Water Dough Rings shop. They clad themselves in potato sacks, wept and rubbed ashes in one another’s hair until police asked them to return to the high school.

“But bagels are everything,” sobbed one distraught teenager.

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And now we all have a hole in our soul where Salt Water Dough Rings used to be. | Photo credit

“There, there,” said the officer on duty. “Only everything bagels are everything. Why don’t you head on over to Punkies for some Munchkins? That’ll make you feel whole again for sure.”

“And put some real clothes on,” added the officer. “Just because winter is over forever doesn’t mean you can run around half-naked.”

Rumor has it that a group of aliens are raising funds to buy out the real estate office and convert it into Fauxhasset’s first alien eatery. Residents have mixed feelings about this, ranging from horror to intrigue to apathy.

“We don’t know what kinds of ingredients they consider appetizing,” said one random person the Paroder stopped on the sidewalk. “What if they like their meat raw? What if they think pickles go with peanut butter? What if regular people can’t digest the sort of stuff they eat? I wouldn’t go.”

“This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since the aliens arrived,” said Town Glutton Nom Chompsky. “I’m camping out right here until they open so I can be the first to try it.”

“I eat my wife’s cooking,” said one gentleman with a shrug. “If that hasn’t killed me, neither will this.”