Interlude: an ode to winter on his deathbed

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Jasper National Park, Alberta, Canada by Victor Liu

Winter is an artist, unappreciated in his time. He takes hard edges and makes them soft. He takes the noise and makes it quiet. He takes the dirty earth and makes it clean. He takes strangers and makes them into Good Samaritans. With care, he crafts each crystal and places it at angles with the rest, dendrites fitted like cogs: a clockwork blizzard, mighty yet precise. He wraps his arms around the busy world and kisses it to sleep.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 35th Edition: Street’s appetite sated?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously, on Achey Cedars Way]

After months camped out on Achey Cedars Way, paranormal investigator Buster DeGost has declared the pothole threat “expired.”

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The road that ate a child, a Mini Cooper, and a UPS truck in December seems to have lost its appetite, experts say. Photo credit

“This sort of dimensional rift typically operates at a one-to-one ratio,” DeGost explained. “If something falls in from this dimension, something else from the other dimension will come through to replace it.”

Several months ago, Fauxhasset lost a Mini Cooper, a UPS delivery truck, and a child – Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome – to a large, hungry pothole on Achey Cedars. Meanwhile, it gained a spaceship and a person (the Alien ϨΔиϮα).

DeGost has been waiting since December for a third item to come through, but the pothole seems to have gone dormant, leading DeGost to conclude that, whatever the item might be, it had already appeared before he started keeping watch.

DeGost said that the item is most likely harmless to our dimension and he isn’t worried about finding it. Residents of the cul de sac should feel “100 percent confident” returning to their homes (the Mad Elephant Hotel has been hosting Achey Cedars residents free of charge since December).

“I don’t trust anyone who tells me how confident I should be, especially if that number is 100 percent,” said one resident, lounging near the hotel pool and swirling a glass of red wine.

“Don’t tell my dad,” said another – one of the eight remaining Lembas children – as he tested blue and fuchsia dance lights in the ballroom. “This place is lit. Ever since the cops busted up that rager on Whelming Street, the coyotes have been having their parties here instead. Those guys are animals.”

Shorty’s only sister, Dooey, said she couldn’t wait to get back home.

“I’m really glad Buster’s been keeping an eye on the pothole and I’m sure he’s doing a great job,” said Dooey, “but I should have been doing that. It’s my fault Shorty fell in there. I know Buster thinks the portal’s closed, but I’m not giving up.”

Contractors were previously unable to patch the pothole, as it seemed to have a bottomless appetite for asphalt, but it has now been filled and leveled, and several residents moved back in over the weekend.

Interlude (awards ceremony)

Dear Fauxhasset:

Your reporter has gone north in pursuit of snow. Having found it, I have been surfing the hills of New Hampshire for six days and have been lax in my newsly duties, for which I apologize (sorry not sorry).

Stay tuned for an exclusive look inside the ice castle that is Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes (the girls’ section of the divided lower elementary school) – video coming if/when all this heavenly powder stops piling up on the mountains.

In the meantime, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my fellow bloggers who have nominated me for awards! Nobody likes a long-winded blog post so I’ll keep it as short and sweet as possible.

(1/3): The Blog-a-holic Award

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This award was created by Esme Slabbert, a.k.a. the Recipe Hunter, at the blog Cook and Enjoy Recipes. Please pay her a visit!

I was nominated by Ket at CynicalSouls, a slice-of-life writer and a musician, to boot – give him a shout! If you’re one of my nominees, rules for accepting the award and paying it forward can be found on the Recipe Hunter’s “About” page. In brief, I’m about to hit you with links to three of my best posts, three fun facts about myself, and three nominations for the award.

Top posts:

  1. Lame Jane’s condos push the envelope
  2. Holy potholes, Batman
  3. Man in red, dead?

Fun facts:

  1. I love music and sing constantly – while driving, while showering, even while snowboarding, if conditions are smooth enough – but I HATE karaoke.
  2.  In the past year, my hair has been crimson (accidentally), copper, pink, purple, blue, and even (once again accidentally, and VERY briefly) turquoise.
  3. I’ve dealt with shades of anxiety and depression for a long time, but both reached something of a peak this year. OK, that’s not a “fun” fact, but it’s a big part of my identity right now. My coping mechanisms are snowboarding, OneWheeling, and concert therapy.

Nominations:

  1. Welcome to Skaamoog – if you like Fauxhasset, you’ll love Skaamoog! It’s a quirky, absurd small town, minus a few aliens but plus a few very salient (and silly) cultural commentaries.
  2. English-Language Thoughts – As he picks up English as a second language, Niall hilariously calls us out on all the bizarrities of the speech so many of us take for granted.
  3. Tabula Candida – This history teacher started out drawing silly pictures on her whiteboard in class and it evolved into this funny yet poignant collection.

(2+3/3): The Versatile Blogger Award

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Thank you to the TWO kind folks who nominated me for the Versatile Blogger award: Yashovardhan, a self-described “gamer, photographer and a serious tech enthusiast,” and Literary Panda, a truly versatile blogger whose content runs the gamut from advice and book recommendations to debates to art and even tea!

Rules:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  2. Share seven facts about yourself.
  3. Nominate 15(+ or -) other bloggers.
  4. Link the nominees and inform them about their nominations.

In the interest of brevity, my seven “facts” are going to be seven things I either love or hate, but I’m not going to tell you which is which. Take a guess in the comments!

  1. Driving
  2. Olives
  3. Whiskey
  4. Twitter
  5. Cigarettes
  6. Twenty One Pilots
  7. French fries

Nominees: Once again in the interest of brevity, and in the interest of having anyone actually click on any of these links, I’m only doing two nominations, one in honor of each of the people who nominated me.

  1. The Bathroom Monologues – John Wiswell is a genius and a goddamn inspiration. Brilliant and bizarre short fiction interspersed with reviews of books, video games, and general culture.
  2. The Album – food, films, and funny stuff from a fellow Bostonian, updated often.