By Thamanda Crompson
It’s Halloween, Fauxhasset, and we need to talk about monsters.
We know you’ve all spent the past month preparing for zombies, mummies, ghosts and Frankensteins.* We know many of you are boycotting Mars Bars for fear they’ll make your children “too much like those aliens.” And parents, we know you’ve all been dreading the specter of teenage drinking.
But after last night’s events, it’s time for everybody to take a good hard look in the mirror and ask if the real monster is looking back at them. Especially if their name is Sean McJeffrey.
Last night, while the children of Fauxhasset should have been out freeloading off their neighbors and creating work for Mr. Goodbar, D.M.D, downtown, they were instead throwing no less than 2,500 eggs at the Temple.
Amid snickers, McJeffrey has already made a full confession, both to providing the eggs and to instructing children to throw them at the Temple.
“Of course it was me! I said I’d do it and I did it,” said McJeffrey. “The people of Fuglyoaks Lane had one simple demand – to receive a tax credit for the king-sized candy bars we’re forced to give out each Halloween – and the Town wouldn’t give it to us. We had to keep our word about egging the Temple so they’d know we mean business. Kids would come up asking for an egg or two; I told ’em ‘Take 5 – as long as you’re going to the Temple with them!”
McJeffrey’s arrest has clearly come be-Twix neighbors.
“He’s using the royal ‘We,’” said McJeffrey’s next-door neighbor Martin Thimble. “I thought this was a bad idea from the start, but he was very passionate about it. Must have cost him $100 Grand to buy all those eggs, too.”
“Thimble’s an Airhead,” said another neighbor. “He was rooting for Sean just as much as the rest of us; he’s just afraid to admit it.”
Town Manager Mown Tanager said he was “extremely disappointed” at this turn of events.
“We were looking forward to reaching a peaceful resolution to this issue at Semiannual Town Séance,” Tanager told the Paroder. “We told him we would. It’s a Gobstopper that he couldn’t wait two more weeks to sort this out.”
Tanager admits the Halloween candy bylaw is a product of a bygone era and may be overdue for revision. But he says that Fuglyoaks residents have shot themselves in the foot with this stunt. Now instead of giving them a tax credit, the Town will need the money to clean up all those eggs.
“Sorry guys,” said Tanager, who was clearly not sorry at all. “That’s the way the Kit Kat crumbles.”
* We at the Paroder would like to extend a huge shout-out to the Panic Brigade and SAFEKIDS, the new super-committee to Save the Adolescents of Fauxhasset from Evil Kelp-Infected Denizens of the Sea, who prepared and distributed this year’s Monster Survival Kits.
The kits contained salt, holy water (which doubles as a rehydration formula), demon exorcism cheat sheets, home breathalyzer kits, cough drops (cause everyone knows that’s how you stop a coffin), and ponchos (in case of drunken tsunami activity).