79th Edition: O Captain! My Bagel Captain!

By Thamanda Crompson
Staff Reporter

The Captain of everyone’s favorite bagel shop, Salt Water Dough Rings, announced his retirement this week. No sooner had the Captain finished his retirement speech than, to everyone’s disappointment and no one’s surprise, the restaurant immediately revealed its true form as a real estate office.

A toast to you, Mon Capitan. | Photo credit

“The Captain was really what made this place special,” said one resident, an unidentified 61-year-old woman who claimed she had eaten breakfast there daily for an unspecified number of decades (but rest assured it was a lot).

“Why, I remember when Main Street was nothing but real estate offices,” said the woman. “Long time ago – well, not that long, as I am but a spring chicken myself! The Captain was the first to transform one of the storefronts into something greater, something that served those who were already living in our fine town and not just those who were thinking about it.”

Salt Water Dough Rings is the second landmark restaurant in Fauxhasset to close its doors since the outset of the New Year. The Redfin Eatery also shuttered back in January.

However, being located on the state highway rather than in the Village proper, Redfin did not revert into a real estate office. Instead, it was immediately replaced by a Waffle House. It is still unclear what type of food, if any, is served at the Waffle House; reports vary widely.

Students of the Fenclave held a lamentation ceremony on the sidewalk in front of the former Salt Water Dough Rings shop. They clad themselves in potato sacks, wept and rubbed ashes in one another’s hair until police asked them to return to the high school.

“But bagels are everything,” sobbed one distraught teenager.

And now we all have a hole in our soul where Salt Water Dough Rings used to be. | Photo credit

“There, there,” said the officer on duty. “Only everything bagels are everything. Why don’t you head on over to Punkies for some Munchkins? That’ll make you feel whole again for sure.”

“And put some real clothes on,” added the officer. “Just because winter is over forever doesn’t mean you can run around half-naked.”

Rumor has it that a group of aliens are raising funds to buy out the real estate office and convert it into Fauxhasset’s first alien eatery. Residents have mixed feelings about this, ranging from horror to intrigue to apathy.

“We don’t know what kinds of ingredients they consider appetizing,” said one random person the Paroder stopped on the sidewalk. “What if they like their meat raw? What if they think pickles go with peanut butter? What if regular people can’t digest the sort of stuff they eat? I wouldn’t go.”

“This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since the aliens arrived,” said Town Glutton Nom Chompsky. “I’m camping out right here until they open so I can be the first to try it.”

“I eat my wife’s cooking,” said one gentleman with a shrug. “If that hasn’t killed me, neither will this.”


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