By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Fauxhasset very nearly made it through beach season without significant destructive action by CAR, the Clandestine Auto Regulators determined to make local motorists drive more slowly and carefully.
To be sure, the indestructible porcupines CAR let loose on Fivest Ave. were a pain (especially to the tires they punctured), but even this act did not cause any lasting damage. No drivers were harmed, and the ruined tires were replaced by the Town. The indestructible porcupines disappeared down the Accursed Burrow in pursuit of Fauxsutawney Fil some weeks ago, and neither has been seen or heard from since.
But with the last of the nice weather came one final dramatic act by the shadowy traffic vigilante group, and this time they’ve left Funningham Bridge in shambles. Overnight, they demolished half the bridge, leaving just one lane open for travel.
Police have temporarily closed the entire bridge due to concerns over potential structural damage that was not immediately evident. All they’ve found so far, however, are chalk scribblings on the underside of the bridge indicating that “CAR was here” and the number “35” scrawled thousands of times across the substructure.
Meanwhile, residents of the beachside part of town are rioting in what remains of the street. What if there’s an emergency, they’re demanding, and an ambulance needs to get through? How will the school bus pick up their children? How will UPS deliver the smart EMF detector they ordered from Serengeti?
Town Manager Mown Tanager remained calm.
“The situation was under control before it even happened,” said Tanager. “This was supposed to be a surprise on the first day of school, but the district has replaced all the buses with environmentally-friendly, electric-powered spaceships. The electric space vehicles can be used by any department in town, including the Fire Department, so there’s no need to worry about them reaching you in case of an emergency.”
Apparently, Tanager explained, Alien Santa had been building the spaceships in his yard on Fame Island – a hobby the neighbors were quick to frown upon, as the custom ships were starting to accrue on the property and become an eyesore.
This summer, at the urging of Santa’s neighbors and GREG (the Green and Renewable Energy Group), the Town acquired the spaceship fleet for use by the schools and other Town departments, so getting over the bridge for school and emergencies definitely won’t be a problem, Tanager said.
Now, if residents wanted to get out to go to the grocery store, that would be a different story, but since everyone in town just gets their organic food and Reverb tech from the Serengeti Farmers’ Market, he doubts the temporary bridge closure will be an issue, since Serengeti offers one-hour drone delivery for members of its Superlative loyalty program.
Police are saying the bridge should reopen for alternating one-way traffic by the beginning of next week.
SIGN UP TODAY! This fall, the Flaxen-Mary Abbey is offering a new class in Egyptology. Vexed by the community’s ignorance of the iconography of the goddess Ishtar, the esteemed Father Mumblehill will lead students in a crash course on the spiritual significance of the symbols appearing around Fauxhasset. The course will include a practical section designed to prepare students for the eventuality of a zombie uprising resulting from the use of these symbols.
Do you have an unwanted pregnancy? We’re looking to adopt! A little bit about Us: We are Two Men and Their Dog. We live in a nice three-bedroom house near the center of town that is always decked out for the season (right now: the Autumnal Equinox!). But, with the Two of Us sharing a room and Our Dog in a room of his own, We still have extra space to fill in Our home and in Our hearts. Please consider helping Us complete Our family!