By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Santa was spotted jumping off the Hoarder Street Bridge in the days following Christmas.
Moments later – “as if in a movie,” said witnesses – the spacecraft that appeared during the Christmas Eve parade rose up from below to catch him. The alien calmly stepped into a hatch and the ship “enveloped him,” said witnesses, “like a mother and her prodigal son.” The craft reportedly rose straight into the sky and zipped off into the distance without a sound.
Police and the Paroder arrived on the scene shortly after in response to calls about a “Santa suicide.”
But officers had barely had time to take down witnesses’ names and observations before the spacecraft reappeared, just as silently as it had left, and the Alien Santa stepped back out onto the bridge with his arms full of Cop & GOP grocery bags.
“Ho ho ho,” he said by way of greeting.
Police Chief Stephen Quill didn’t miss a beat. “ϨΔиϮα!” he said. “We thought you’d skipped town without saying goodbye.”
The man in red grinned widely and seemed to ponder this. “Would that have been rude?” he finally asked, still grinning.
“Well,” said Quill, “we’re pretty friendly around here. Don’t be afraid to say ‘hi’ or ‘bye’ as you’re coming and going, that’s all.”
“I have noted this duly,” said the alien. “But fear not; I shall never ‘skip town,’ for Fauxhasset is the most perfect place in the universe!”
“It sure is,” agreed Quill. “Have a great night, Mr. Claus.”
Police dispersed the crowd of onlookers attracted by the bright lights of the spacecraft. The craft parked itself in the satellite lot for the night, but police noted that this would only work as a short-term solution – the satellite lot, as we all know, is reserved for employees, not for spaceships.
Quill said he’d mention the shortage of spacecraft parking at the Assembly of Chosen’s next Marathon of Remarks.
The man who’d called the police was the last to leave the scene. When asked by the Paroder for a comment, he just shook his head and said, “I can’t believe Santa shops at Cop & GOP. He seemed like such a socialist.”