By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
A tsunami rolled through town on Thursday. It’s still here today, and officials are no closer to knowing what to do about it than they were five days ago.
The Assembly of Chosen says it’s not their problem; rogue waves fall under the jurisdiction of GOSH, the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor. But GOSH says the tsunami is not threatening the ocean, shore or harbor, so it’s not their problem, either.
The Panic Brigade said the localized flooding doesn’t meet the threshold for panicking. Police said their authority does not extend to acts of God. Meanwhile, the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is just hoping this might finally wash all that glitter out of the water supply once and for all.
The Water Department also denied responsibility. “It’s not drinking water,” specified Water Commissioner Golf Rusteby.
Daniel Jack, son of Jamie and general manager of local Irish pub Fooley’s, begged to differ. “That water has been drinking at my establishment since it arrived,” said Jack. “It is most definitely drinking water.”
The only ones taking any responsibility at all are the apostles of the late Father Mumblehill, who claim that the tsunami would have been much bigger – indeed, apocalyptically bigger – if not for their prayer and petitions on behalf of the town.
“That’s apocalypse number 217 successfully averted,” said Ezekiel Henderson, one of Mumblehill’s protégés. “You’re welcome, Fauxhasset.”
Over at Fooley’s, Jack said he can’t complain: even though the extremely localized tsunami has flooded his establishment, it does not seem to get drunk no matter how much alcohol it consumes, so the profit of keeping this loyal patron happy will surely outweigh the expense of the damage it causes.
In fact, many local businesses are fans of Fauxhasset’s newest resident, which apparently answers to “Johnny.” The insurance agencies love him, since everywhere he goes, property owners are sure to call and cash in on their policies soon after.
For instance, the luxury condos at 8 Lame Jane’s have once again been leveled thanks to a visit from Johnny. Contractors say that re-re-rebuilding the units will give the local economy a nice boost.
The Water Commission agreed that Johnny’s arrival might be in the community’s best interest. “Drinking water or not,” said Rusteby, “if Johnny raises the water table even a smidge, people might stop wasting our town’s resources on their brown lawns. And I would drink to that!”