Fauxhasset Paroder, 98th Edition: Is the Drinking Water a Problem?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A tsunami rolled through town on Thursday. It’s still here today, and officials are no closer to knowing what to do about it than they were five days ago.

The Assembly of Chosen says it’s not their problem; rogue waves fall under the jurisdiction of GOSH, the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor. But GOSH says the tsunami is not threatening the ocean, shore or harbor, so it’s not their problem, either.

The Panic Brigade said the localized flooding doesn’t meet the threshold for panicking. Police said their authority does not extend to acts of God. Meanwhile, the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is just hoping this might finally wash all that glitter out of the water supply once and for all.

The Water Department also denied responsibility. “It’s not drinking water,” specified Water Commissioner Golf Rusteby.

Daniel Jack, son of Jamie and general manager of local Irish pub Fooley’s, begged to differ. “That water has been drinking at my establishment since it arrived,” said Jack. “It is most definitely drinking water.”

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The Paroder shared a couple of beers with Johnny, and he seems like a solid guy. As solid as liquid can be, anyway. | Photo credit

The only ones taking any responsibility at all are the apostles of the late Father Mumblehill, who claim that the tsunami would have been much bigger – indeed, apocalyptically bigger – if not for their prayer and petitions on behalf of the town.

“That’s apocalypse number 217 successfully averted,” said Ezekiel Henderson, one of Mumblehill’s protégés. “You’re welcome, Fauxhasset.”

Over at Fooley’s, Jack said he can’t complain: even though the extremely localized tsunami has flooded his establishment, it does not seem to get drunk no matter how much alcohol it consumes, so the profit of keeping this loyal patron happy will surely outweigh the expense of the damage it causes.

In fact, many local businesses are fans of Fauxhasset’s newest resident, which apparently answers to “Johnny.” The insurance agencies love him, since everywhere he goes, property owners are sure to call and cash in on their policies soon after.

For instance, the luxury condos at 8 Lame Jane’s have once again been leveled thanks to a visit from Johnny. Contractors say that re-re-rebuilding the units will give the local economy a nice boost.

The Water Commission agreed that Johnny’s arrival might be in the community’s best interest. “Drinking water or not,” said Rusteby, “if Johnny raises the water table even a smidge, people might stop wasting our town’s resources on their brown lawns. And I would drink to that!”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 78th Edition: The Return of the Groundhog

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Groundhog Day came and went with the normal amount of fanfare. Punxsutawney Phil made his customary appearance on the Common, emerging from the Hallowed Burrow to prophesy six more weeks of winter to the thousands of residents listening raptly on the Town Common.

Fauxsutawney Fil, a large raccoon who claimed to be the reincarnation of the original groundhog RALPH and last year triggered the Thousand Foot Snow, was long gone through the Accursed Burrow. Fauxhasset believed it was safe from anything more sinister than another 42 days of winter.

It was wrong.

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Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone says residents’ discarded cash will boost the nation-state’s fledgling economy. | Photo credit

Just as the festivities were dying down, the stars began to keen and a steady womp-womp-womp could be heard in the distance. An unnaturally large blue moon appeared in the west to face down the small, pale gibbous rising in the east.

Soon the massive impostor raccoon appeared on the horizon, silhouetted against the uncanny blue moon and flanked by his multi-specied worshippers (including 13 indestructible porcupines, which were supposed to ensure Fauxhasset never saw the impostor raccoon again, but had apparently been converted to Fil’s cause).

“My fellow Fauxhassians,” Fil boomed. “Last year, you drove me out of your fine town, being displeased with the eternal winter I so benevolently bestowed upon you. This year, I will do better. Phil has promised you six more weeks of winter. I now promise you that winter is hereby over – forever.”

“Cold? Snow? Things of the past,” Fil promised. “Instead, I give you warmth, sunshine, and Christmas every day!”

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Not like this was a rare sight, anyway. | Photo credit

Explosive applause from the children. As for the adults, those gathered seemed uncertain whether or not to cheer. Many began to clap at the mention of permanent paradise weather, only to freeze up at the mention of permanent Christmas. Other simply downed their drinks and threw their cash in the air.

“Eh, we were just going to burn it to keep our home warm for the next six weeks, anyway,” explained one celebrant. “Not sure Christmas every day will eat through it fast enough.”

Fil and his congregation returned peacefully to the Womp, while befuddled residents trailed back to their homes. Students of the Fenclave stayed late into the night raking up all the cash with the help of the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG).

“I am constantly blown away by the disrespect these people show to the environment,” said GREG Chairman Kelvin Ermits. “All this litter – we provided receptacles for paper, plastic and glass at every exit! How much easier can we make it?”

Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone said, “I think the thing we need to address, and no one is talking about this – but all this paper is actually, like, money. I mean, it’s old money. We can’t, like, Venmo it or anything. But Prezzy Jimmy says it has legit value, so we’re collecting it to add to our burgeoning economy.”

“Hey,” Blackstone added, looking over her shoulder to Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo for guidance. “Do colleges take this stuff?”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 38th Edition: Alien Santa left out in the cold

Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Alien Santa was spotted actually enjoying the perpetual blizzard at Gledhill Sledhill, proving once again that he isn’t, and never will be, one of us.

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Skills unlocked: not falling on the so-called “bunny” slope (did not see any bunnies T_T), mastering human hand signals. Photo credit

Someone had given the alien a snowboard and he was doing his best to learn the sport, hiking tirelessly back up the hill for another attempt. Witnesses said they heard him break a wrist, only to watch him straighten out the joint and heal himself on the spot.

At first, Alien Santa shared the slope with a horde of children, but after his arrival, the crowd began to thin. Sledders suddenly grew tired. Parents spirited their little ones away, casting wary glances at the alien in the rearview mirrors of their Range Rovers.

One little girl, however, wasn’t gone for long before she returned with a bright red helmet under her arm. This she affixed to Alien Santa’s head. She was then seen giving pointers to the man in red, and he was soon able to ride the whole way down the hill without falling.

The two then shook hands and parted ways. The young girl turned out to be none other than Dooey Lembas, spokeschild for Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes and the only sister (out of eight siblings) of Shorty Lembas, who was swallowed by a pothole in November.

When asked about her actions, Lembas just shrugged.

“One time, one of my big brothers got a concussion from snowboarding,” she said. “The doctors said he couldn’t go to school, couldn’t watch TV, couldn’t read – couldn’t nothing! I know ϨΔиϮα’s a little weird, and not everybody likes him, but I didn’t want him to get hurt.”

Then she laughed and added, conspiratorially, “He’s not very good, is he? He’s learning, though. He just needs a little practice.”