Fauxhasset Paroder, 19th Edition: A Patriot for President

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

President-Elect Tom Brady has notified Fauxhasset Middle-High School students that he will not be accepting their offer of presidency. He has instead delegated the position to Patriots second-string quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo.

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President-Elect Jimmy Garoppolo and his bodyguard toured Fauxhasset Middle-High School on Tuesday. It was the first time anyone over the age of 20 had set foot in the school in 116 years. Photo: Shannon Blackstone via Snapchat

“I can’t decide if I should cry or not,” said sophomore Shannon Blackstone in a statement issued to her Snapchat followers on Friday. “We all really wanted Brady. But, you know, if it had to be someone else, well…  Jimmy is pretty cute, too. I’m just saying.”

Student Body President Zane Harris had his reservations.

“We don’t really know what we’re getting with Garoppolo,” said Harris. “We’ve only seen him on the field a handful of times, and he hasn’t gotten nearly the press coverage Brady has, so we don’t know how he thinks. But uh… the girls seem pretty happy about it, so I guess that’s a good thing.”

Brady sent his regrets in a handwritten letter, which in fact had been delivered several weeks ago, but none of the students had thought to check the snail-mailbox until Christmas packages were due to arrive.

The letter was penned on December 5, the day after Brady won his 201st career football game and surpassed quarterbacks Brett Favre and Peyton Manning to become the GOAT (greatest of all-time).

“I know what I’m good at, and that’s football,” wrote Brady. “Just because I can lead a team to victory doesn’t mean I can lead a nation-state.”

“Besides,” he went on, “Coach finally called me the GOAT; I can’t just walk away from that. I owe it to New England and the rest of the guys to put a Superbowl ring on every finger.”

“I have every confidence that Jimmy will make a great president for your nation-state,” Brady concluded. “He’s extremely teachable, but not afraid to make the tough decisions. Please send us a hard copy of your response, signed and dated, by the first of the year.”

The middle-high school held an emergency vote on Friday and students gave their unanimous support for the change in plans.

“The way I see it, we’re basically taking the VP and making him President,” said Harris. “Now we just have to figure out what a ‘hard copy’ is by January first.”

Fortunately, it seems the students were able to sort out the U.S. Postal Service in time. President-Elect Garoppolo visited the school this morning. He, like the U.S. President, will be sworn in on Jan. 20.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 6th Edition: Middle-High School secedes, elects Tom Brady president

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Fauxhasset Middle-High School Student Body President Zane Harris reported today that the results were in from last Tuesday’s mock election, and the student body had voted almost unanimously for Patriots quarterback Tom Brady to serve as President of the United States of America.

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Some FMHS students have been on the Brady campaign trail for months. Photo credit: Andrew Strack

Students were reportedly shocked and devastated that Brady did not win the election on the national stage.

“How could this happen?” demanded Shannon Blackstone, a sophomore, in an initial statement sent to her Snapchat followers.

“Everyone I know voted Brady,” a tearful Blackstone said in the video. “But now people are saying he wasn’t even on the ballot outside of FMHS. What the actual f—k? Our election shows that the American people want Brady. For the government to withhold that choice by keeping Brady off the ballot… It was undemocratic.”

Students have been in voluntary lockdown since Election Day, weeping and gnashing their teeth. No one has entered or exited the building in six days. Inside, the 713 teenagers have been subsisting off produce from the school’s organic garden.

At first, Snapchat stories revealed the depths of students’ disappointment and despair, amplified by large, sad deer eyes. But since Nov. 9, the entire school has been participating in a technology fast while students process the outcome of the election and consider their next move.

It has been social media silence from the teens of Fauxhasset for more than six days. Parents are reporting fewer headaches, more hours of sleep, and fuller gas tanks since the teen tech fast and lockdown began. One mother even claims that her gray hairs have started turning blonde again.

Now, a week later, Harris has emerged from the school to reveal the student body’s intention to secede from the United States and become its own nation-state under Tom Brady.

“In Brady we trust,” he said.

The student body voted to allow Harris and other elected representatives to break the tech fast in order to contact their President-Elect. Harris said they’ve been reaching out to Brady, the Patriots, and Head Coach Bill Belichick via Twitter since Saturday but have not yet received a response.

“We may have to take this to the next level,” said Harris. “We’re considering sending a delegate onto Mombook to make our voices heard. Nobody wants to be the one, but we believe it’s a sacrifice worth making to have Tom Brady as President of the Fauxhasset Middle-High School – or POTFMHS, as we’ve been calling him.”

When asked how becoming President of the FMHS nation-state might affect the Patriots performance in the playoffs, Harris said he wasn’t concerned.

“If Inauguration Day rolls around and Brady is looking at another Superbowl, we’re perfectly capable of governing ourselves for an extra week or two while he takes care of that,” said Harris. “With the teacher strike going on, we’ve pretty much been doing that already for almost 116 years.”

Alternatively, said Harris, “If Brady is ready to step up as president right away, I’m sure the Patriots can still secure a Superbowl win with Jimmy Garoppolo.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 3rd Edition: Hillary Clinton spotted in Fauxhasset

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was spotted riding around Fauxhasset in a red convertible this morning.

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Concerned witnesses said that Clinton looked “thin” when she stopped by Walgreens Pharmacy this morning. Photo credit: Kevin McCarthy

Clinton reportedly made a purchase at Walgreens Pharmacy, causing some concern among those who saw her.

“Is she sick again?” demanded one witness. “She didn’t look well. Not well at all. Very thin, very… cardboardy. Isn’t it just like her to pull this on Election Day! We the people deserve to know if one of our presidential candidates has suddenly turned into cardboard!”

Another witness said Clinton’s perseverance through this bout of two-dimensionality only served to increase her admiration and support for the Democratic presidential candidate.

“I cast the right vote this morning,” said the witness. “If Hillary can fight through this, she can fight through anything!”

Being made of cardboard is a serious ailment that afflicts many celebrities, but doctors say it’s only a passing virus and nothing to worry about. It is not life-threatening and poses no threat to anyone who is not extremely rich and influential.

Registered voters who have not yet cast their ballot may do so at Town Hall before 8:00 p.m. today.