Fauxhasset Paroder, 81st Edition: Fauxhasset Faux Paw

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police are investigating a string of petty burglaries. Residents awoke Monday morning to find the laces missing from every pair of shoes in town.

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Cat burglary is a serious problem among orphaned felines. Adopt your 27 cats today. | Photo credit

The town’s large population of important businessmen was justifiably upset. “My office has a very strict dress code,” a man in Giorgio Armani dress socks told the Paroder. “Showing up with unlaced shoes would be a major faux pas – and wearing sandals? Unthinkable!”

His wife, wearing a pair of Gucci ankle socks, chimed in, “It’s that Waffle House bringing criminals into town. Look at us: ground to a standstill all because some millennials had to have their waffles. Those shoelaces were real unicorn hair, too – worth six figures apiece.”

Victims unanimously reported that the shoelaces had definitely been there when they went to bed, and they had not heard a thing in the night, nor had any doors been forced or security alarms triggered. A handful of callers reported waking up in fits of sneezing before discovering the theft.

“There’s definitely something fishy about this crime,” said one mother as she sent her kids off to school in rain boots. “And I mean literally. Besides taking all the shoelaces, the burglar poked holes in all our canned goods and spilled tuna juice all over the pantry. Why would someone do that?”

Police first checked in on local troublemakers Two Men And Their Dog.

Two Men looked suspiciously sleepless – just like a couple of cat burglars who had spent the night stealing every shoelace in town! However, the young fathers claimed they had simply had a long night caring for Their newly adopted faceless baby.

“Cat burglary? Don’t look at us,” was all They said. “We’re Dog people.”

Police were stumped until one resident contacted them with a video recorded by one of their home security cameras.

The perpetrators gained access to the home via a set of French doors on a balcony. Some time later, they returned to the doors to leave, each carrying several long strings in its mouth. The last of the crew hesitated, unable to decide whether he wished to go outside, or inside, or outside, or inside, or out.

Upon reviewing footage from other residences, police found that several gangs of cats had made the rounds the previous night. They suspect that all those cats that keep spawning outside of the Paroder office and Abraham Building conspired to divide and conquer a community’s worth of shoes.

See, folks? This is what happens when you don’t adopt your fair share of cats.

“It all makes sense now,” Police Chief Stephen Quill told the Paroder. “They didn’t have to break and enter, and they were too low to the ground to be caught on most security cameras. It was the purrfect crime. Now the only problem is where we’ll get enough Kennel Cabs to hold them all.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 67th Edition: Thankfulness Level Over 9,000 This Year

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Another year, another Turkey Day. This Thanksgiving, our fine town released more than 9,000 turkeys over the harbor. 9,000, Fauxhasset! That’s 9,000 living creatures saved from dinner tables, sent forth into the wild where they can fly free another year.

The sound of their thanks was deafening. The very air seemed to ululate with all the gobbling, and it rained loose feathers upon the Thanksgivers gathered as the birds made their ungainly but inspirational ascent and flapped off into the sunset.

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For years, the media has sworn that turkeys can’t fly. Science (and the iPhone Ω alternate reality camera) have now empirically shown that this is fake news. Photo credit

 

Of course, as we all know, the Turkey Day ritual isn’t just about the turkeys – it’s about the things each and every one of us is thankful for, which we whisper into the turkeys’ ears before setting them free.

Fortunately for the Paroder, a few Thanksgivers were kind enough to share those thanks out loud with the paper. Without further ado, here’s what Fauxhasset is thankful for in 2017.

Two Men And Their Dog And Their Faceless Baby: We are just over the moon about the latest addition to our family – our little Lumin, light of our world, adopted from a fellow Fauxhasset resident who was unable to care for them. We’ve been waiting a long time to become parents, and we’re loving every minute of it.

Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi, Part-Time Pirate, Part-Time Wandering Minstrel, Etc.: I’m thankful for gainful employment. 26 times over.

Unidentified 64-year-old woman: I’m thankful for this mysterious, backwards-ticking watch I got from Ms. Blackstone at the Fenclave. It’s making me age backwards! Not only do I look great, but by the time my foot-dragging children get around to giving me some grandbabies, I’ll be fit enough to play with them! Now this is between you, me and the turkey, understand? I don’t want my children finding out. Be sure you don’t print my name with this!

Students of the Fenclave (formerly Fauxhasset Middle-High School): We’re thankful for our handsome, peaceful, loyal President Jimmy Garoppolo who would never, ever, ever leave us for another team – like, say, the 49ers. That would just never happen, and we are so, so #thankful.

Father Mumblehill (Flaxen Mary Abbey): We praise the Lord every hour the world doesn’t end. We know that someone in this town is working to bring this about, but it will not happen until the Lord’s time, which is not known to us. Therefore, every moment the Earth continues to spin, every moment we draw breath, every moment the dead remain dead and not an army of undead marching upon us to hasten the end – we praise the Lord. Yet when the end comes, we shall praise Him then, as well!

Mecca Mile residents: Strict wetland bylaws.

Ord Girdlehyde (Mad Elephant Hotel, Castle Girdlehausen): Loopholes.

Reporter Thamanda Crompson: I’m thankful for all the cute cats that keep appearing outside the Paroder office. Ever since they rebuilt the old Abraham Building that’s kitty corner to ours, the cats just keep spawning – about two or three a week. One has even moved into the office, which is great for morale and for sitting on my hands while I try to type to keep my fingers warm. So sweet. He says his name is Snowfire and I think I’m in love.

Citizen whose name could not be released due to ongoing legal action: Thank you, man who provided the old, red brick I was looking for in the community classifieds last month. I know you are probably wondering what you’ve wrought, with me in prison now and all, but I have just two words for you, my friend: Worth. It.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 51st Edition: This content has been flagged due to suspicious activity

By Sobby Raint-John
Fauxhasset Paroder Crime Correspondent

Denizens of the Harborception awoke confused and scared early Friday morning when dozens of miniature pirate flags were discovered on each of their private docks. Despite no damage being done to the docks or boats attached to said docks, police received no fewer than nine concerned calls.

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Even the paddle boats and rafts were vandalized. The nerve! Photo credit

Reportedly, Fauxhasset citizens are divided on just who is responsible for planting the Jolly Rogers. Mark Abnorman, home owner in the Harborception, instantly blamed the youth of the Fenclave.

“Are you kidding? Of course it was them,” said Abnorman. “Those teens have been causing trouble all over town. Likely some kinda raiding party since they sure as hell must be running out of food by now.”

When asked if anything had been taken from his property, Mr. Abnorman admitted that nothing was missing that he knew of.

Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo denied any wrongdoing by his teenage citizens. There is, he said, a perpetual growth organic garden in the school’s courtyard, which not only suffices to feed the Fenclave population but also (he reminds the people of Fauxhasset) served to keep the surrounding community fed during the Mile-Deep Snow of 2017.

Some residents blamed actual pirates, while others were sure that Father Mumblehill’s ancient Egyptians were at work.

Police, meanwhile, pursued other, more promising leads. This lead them to finally return Two Men and Their Dog’s cell phone, which had been taken into police custody late last year after the three were caught taking pictures of trees.

However, due to insufficient evidence, they were unable to press any charges at this stage. The jury is still out as to just who is responsible for the flags and what they could possibly mean.