Fauxhasset Paroder, 51st Edition: This content has been flagged due to suspicious activity

By Sobby Raint-John
Fauxhasset Paroder Crime Correspondent

Denizens of the Harborception awoke confused and scared early Friday morning when dozens of miniature pirate flags were discovered on each of their private docks. Despite no damage being done to the docks or boats attached to said docks, police received no fewer than nine concerned calls.

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Even the paddle boats and rafts were vandalized. The nerve! Photo credit

Reportedly, Fauxhasset citizens are divided on just who is responsible for planting the Jolly Rogers. Mark Abnorman, home owner in the Harborception, instantly blamed the youth of the Fenclave.

“Are you kidding? Of course it was them,” said Abnorman. “Those teens have been causing trouble all over town. Likely some kinda raiding party since they sure as hell must be running out of food by now.”

When asked if anything had been taken from his property, Mr. Abnorman admitted that nothing was missing that he knew of.

Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo denied any wrongdoing by his teenage citizens. There is, he said, a perpetual growth organic garden in the school’s courtyard, which not only suffices to feed the Fenclave population but also (he reminds the people of Fauxhasset) served to keep the surrounding community fed during the Mile-Deep Snow of 2017.

Some residents blamed actual pirates, while others were sure that Father Mumblehill’s ancient Egyptians were at work.

Police, meanwhile, pursued other, more promising leads. This lead them to finally return Two Men and Their Dog’s cell phone, which had been taken into police custody late last year after the three were caught taking pictures of trees.

However, due to insufficient evidence, they were unable to press any charges at this stage. The jury is still out as to just who is responsible for the flags and what they could possibly mean.

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Give ϨΔиϮα a chance

Dear Editor,

We know we can be difficult sometimes. Often our actions (though well-intentioned) are misinterpreted. For the record, We love Fauxhasset and its people. However, We don’t always love what some of you do and say. Now is one of those times.

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Local troublemakers Two Men and Their Dog [Photo credit]

“The Alien Santa.” That’s what you’ve all been calling him since he landed. There are so many ways that We can tell you that this is just wrong. He may look like our Santa and come from outer space but calling him that is just disrespectful. It would be like if someone called you “The Earth Human” all the time and never used your real name. He has a name. It’s ϨΔиϮα.

Instead of treating him like a resident of this fine town or even a respected visitor, you avoid and distance yourself from him. Is it any wonder why he doesn’t know the workings of Fauxhaset or even Human life? How can he possibly feel welcome if none of you will explain anything to him?

So what if he shops at both grocery stores in town? Maybe we all should. Heaven knows Gnaw’s has the best prepared sushi in town, and We’ve heard Cop & GOP has amazing prices on dog food. It sounds to Us like he’s the smartest one here! Why can’t you all just let him build his house in peace? We’re sure it’s going to be nothing but lovely.

Fauxhasset is a great town and so are its people most of the time. It’s because We love you all that We try so hard to make Fauxhasset that much better. So the next time you see ϨΔиϮα doing something odd, take five minutes to give him a hand and get to know him. He might just surprise you.

Two Men and Their Dog

 

Fauxhasset Paroder, 20th Edition: Three Kings, Not so Wise

By Sobby Raint-John
Fauxhasset Paroder Crime Correspondent 

The police responded to a call in the Shallows this morning, taking Two Men and Their Dog into custody. The trio, dressed in robes and glittery cardboard crowns, was accused of trespassing and attempted kidnapping of a couple’s newborn daughter.

According to a neighbor watching from their window, the trio left a basket of toys on the doorstep and was leaving the scene when the concerned parents, Kolly and Kelly Kobb, confronted them. The parents reportedly insisted that the men take back the toys. When the men would not, the conflict escalated and the neighbor called police.

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This “gold” plushie gifted to baby Epiphany Kobb was anything but heartwarming. Photo credit

“It was the craziest thing,” the neighbor told the Paroder. “The men just kept apologizing for being late and saying that the GPS was using too much data. The weird part is I don’t think the McIntires knew them at all.”

While evidence to the kidnapping charge is suspect, police are taking the matter with the utmost seriousness. The toys have been confiscated and are undergoing thorough inspection.

FPD detectives found handwritten labels tied neatly to the necks of three stuffed animals, reading “frankincense,” “myrrh,” and “gold.” 

Two Men and Their Dog, still dressed as three kings, have declined to comment to the Paroder at this time. Fortunately the McIntires can rest easy as a police detail has been assigned to watch over the house and their daughter, Epiphany.