Fauxhasset Paroder, 59th Edition: New iPhone is a Bad Apple

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s a dangerous new trend sweeping Fauxhasset. If you are one of the few not riding the bandwagon, we urge you to stay vigilant – or better yet, just stay home.

Residents have gone gaga over Apple’s latest smartphone, the $9,999 iPhone Ω, and it’s costing them a lot more than cash – it’s costing lives, limbs, and in some cases, souls.

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Apple’s patented “Infinite Screen” – an early concept. Photo credit

The Ω model is the first smartphone to do away with old-fashioned biometrics in favor of a soul wavelength reader, replacing stale facial recognition technology with deep recognition on a spiritual level. Apple CEO Kim “Fool-of-a” Took claims it’s the most secure form of identity verification ever created and cannot possibly be hacked.

Like previous iPhone models, the Ω has no headphone jack – audio streams directly to the user’s brain. Unlike previous models, it has no charge port, either. Users are instructed to place the phone in moonlight when the battery gets low or, in the absence of moonlight, on a chunk of Apple’s custom selenite ($69.99, available in satin spar, desert rose, and gypsum flower) overnight.

The new device sports an unprecedented button-less, bezel-less display that is screen all the way around, 360 degrees, broken only by small recesses for the front and rear cameras – which are equipped with the latest capabilities in AR (alternate reality) technology. With this proprietary technology, users can simply point the camera at a real-world scene, and the image will be digitally overlaid with people, places and things from a time and space they never even imagined.

That, dear readers, is the part that is jeopardizing lives here in our ordinarily peaceful, if quirky, hamlet by the sea. People are so entranced that they are not even looking up from their phones while walking, driving, or changing the baby’s diaper (which we can’t really blame them for).

Police said there have been three times the normal number of car accidents since the device was released on Tuesday, including 12 that involved pedestrians simply wandering into traffic, convinced by their iPhone that they were somewhere else entirely.

When asked about the incidents, the victims gave explanations such as, “My GPS told me to do it,” “There was a Zapdos over there,” and “I saw my dead grandfather beckoning me to help in the garden.”

So far there have only been three fatalities. Police said the other accident victims were transported to the local hospital with minor to severe injuries, but all are expected to live. Police also said that anyone caught looking at their phone while driving would be arrested immediately.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 58th Edition: Troubled Bridge over Waters

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Fauxhasset very nearly made it through beach season without significant destructive action by CAR, the Clandestine Auto Regulators determined to make local motorists drive more slowly and carefully.

To be sure, the indestructible porcupines CAR let loose on Fivest Ave. were a pain (especially to the tires they punctured), but even this act did not cause any lasting damage. No drivers were harmed, and the ruined tires were replaced by the Town. The indestructible porcupines disappeared down the Accursed Burrow in pursuit of Fauxsutawney Fil some weeks ago, and neither has been seen or heard from since.

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What do you mean “shambles?” This is how it always looks. It’s perfectly safe. Photo Credit

But with the last of the nice weather came one final dramatic act by the shadowy traffic vigilante group, and this time they’ve left Funningham Bridge in shambles. Overnight, they demolished half the bridge, leaving just one lane open for travel.

Police have temporarily closed the entire bridge due to concerns over potential structural damage that was not immediately evident. All they’ve found so far, however, are chalk scribblings on the underside of the bridge indicating that “CAR was here” and the number “35” scrawled thousands of times across the substructure.

Meanwhile, residents of the beachside part of town are rioting in what remains of the street. What if there’s an emergency, they’re demanding, and an ambulance needs to get through? How will the school bus pick up their children? How will UPS deliver the smart EMF detector they ordered from Serengeti?

Town Manager Mown Tanager remained calm.

“The situation was under control before it even happened,” said Tanager. “This was supposed to be a surprise on the first day of school, but the district has replaced all the buses with environmentally-friendly, electric-powered spaceships. The electric space vehicles can be used by any department in town, including the Fire Department, so there’s no need to worry about them reaching you in case of an emergency.”

Apparently, Tanager explained, Alien Santa had been building the spaceships in his yard on Fame Island – a hobby the neighbors were quick to frown upon, as the custom ships were starting to accrue on the property and become an eyesore.

This summer, at the urging of Santa’s neighbors and GREG (the Green and Renewable Energy Group), the Town acquired the spaceship fleet for use by the schools and other Town departments, so getting over the bridge for school and emergencies definitely won’t be a problem, Tanager said.

Now, if residents wanted to get out to go to the grocery store, that would be a different story, but since everyone in town just gets their organic food and Reverb tech from the Serengeti Farmers’ Market, he doubts the temporary bridge closure will be an issue, since Serengeti offers one-hour drone delivery for members of its Superlative loyalty program.

Police are saying the bridge should reopen for alternating one-way traffic by the beginning of next week.

Community Classifieds

SIGN UP TODAY! This fall, the Flaxen-Mary Abbey is offering a new class in Egyptology. Vexed by the community’s ignorance of the iconography of the goddess Ishtar, the esteemed Father Mumblehill will lead students in a crash course on the spiritual significance of the symbols appearing around Fauxhasset. The course will include a practical section designed to prepare students for the eventuality of a zombie uprising resulting from the use of these symbols.

Do you have an unwanted pregnancy? We’re looking to adopt! A little bit about Us: We are Two Men and Their Dog. We live in a nice three-bedroom house near the center of town that is always decked out for the season (right now: the Autumnal Equinox!). But, with the Two of Us sharing a room and Our Dog in a room of his own, We still have extra space to fill in Our home and in Our hearts. Please consider helping Us complete Our family!

Fauxhasset Paroder, 56th Edition: CAR Troubles

By Sobby Raint-John
Crime Correspondent

Several safety violations were issued  towards The Clandestine Auto Regulators (CAR) earlier this month when they caused tire damage to no less than three automobiles as they made their morning commutes down Fivest Ave. The drivers were not harmed, fortunately, nor were the dozen or so porcupines the group used to puncture the tires.

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The cars, on the other hand, were damaged irreparably. After being pierced through by the indestructible quills, the vehicles gained sentience and lumbered off into the Womp. Photo credit

Police were swift on the scene and quick to realize CAR was the culprit, as speed reduction slogans covered the ground in chalk – a signature move of these local traffic vigilantes. One chalk messaged taunted drivers suggesting they would not have punctured their tires if they had been driving slower.

At first, police were baffled how porcupines could cause such damages and remain unscathed but it was Police Chief Steven Quill who put the pieces together.

“I’m sure by now many of you have heard of the ‘Dark Web,'” said Quill. “People are illicitly trading undeclared items given to them by the Black Hole. Those indestructible porcupines came through the Black Hole and into possession of CAR through the Dark Web. Tracing them to any source will take time and be difficult.”

“While items from the Black Hole have so far been harmless,” said Quill, “we can’t let objects, possibly not of our universe, spread through the town without some accountability. It’s just irresponsible. ”

While violations were written, none as of yet have been served. The members of CAR have always kept to the shadows and without a name or even indication as to how many violations should be written, it is impossible to move forward. For now, police will be placing a detail, Officer Sam Rushmore, on night patrol to watch the Black Hole.

“It’s too bad,” Chief Quill said as his final comment. “CAR’s message is a good one, but their actions have shown us we can’t trust a shadowy and unknowable group with the safety of our town.”