Fauxhasset Paroder, 47th Edition: Drivers of Change

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s finally summer, and with that comes the return of everyone’s favorite traffic vigilantes, the Clandestine Auto Regulators (CAR for short). The members of CAR have taken it upon themselves to educate out-of-town drivers during the summer season.

“Open season on the beach means open season on the roads,” says the profile on CAR’s Facebook Page, which has 23 Likes. “Drive softly and buy the big tires.”

The group has kicked off the season by chalking Atlantis Boulevard from where it splits off from Sand Street all the way to where it becomes the Mecca Mile.

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Rejected idea from the Clandestine Auto Regulators’ chalk campaign brainstorming session (“But if they think the road crumbled away, they won’t drive on it!”). Photo credit 

“Stop and smell the flowers,” says one of the many warnings scrawled across the pavement, followed by a long string of painstakingly detailed chalk flowers.

“Drive like your kids live here,” said several more, surrounded by hearts.

Other safety-oriented messages said, “Slow down! You’re on vacation,” “This isn’t the Indy 500,” and “You can stop trying to prove yourself; everyone here drives a faster car than you anyway.”

Police weren’t upset about the messages.

“They didn’t damage anything,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “This time.”

CAR’s last campaign in January was a different story. Members affixed their recycled Women’s March for America posters to speed limit signs on 3A, covering up the legal limit of 50 miles per hour with hand-made 35 mile per hour signs – the limit they believe should be posted.

And by “affixed,” we mean with duct tape, rubber cement, 3M Command strips, and the stickiest of all, those little adhesive squares that come in scrapbooking kits. Police spent hours out in the snow removing the sticky residue from the signs.

“We agree with their message,” Quill said. “As long as they don’t damage any property, and as long as they’re safe about drawing on the street, we won’t stop them. It’ll all wash off in the rain.”

The chalk may not stick, but hopefully the message will, or we’ll be seeing a lot more from CAR this summer, and it’ll only get messier from here.

 

Fauxhasset Paroder, 14th Edition: Oh, Deer!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Be careful out there, drivers! Police have responded to no less than seven incidents this week in which a driver collided with an animal in the roadway.

“Deer are very active this time of year – it’s their mating season,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “In most cases, there wasn’t much the driver could’ve done to avoid a collision. Really it was the deer that ran into the car, not the other way around.”

The victims, however, described it a little differently.

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An artist’s rendering of the beast described by witnesses. Photo credit

“The thing I hit was not a deer,” said Marissa Marsh, a soccer mom who spoke with the Paroder at the scene of one of the accidents. The four boys riding with her at the time of the incident agreed.

“It had, like, 50 antlers,” said Charlie Diggins, a third-grade student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome. “It was like it had a whole tree on its head.”

“And it didn’t ‘run into’ the car like it was some sort of accident,” added his friend, Darrel Marsh, also a third-grader at Captain America’s. “More like it challenged us. Mom slammed on the brakes and swerved, and the thing charged straight at us.”

Police assured Marsh and the boys that the animal was, in fact, just a deer, and sometimes fear can make us see things as more frightening than they really are, and perhaps they should all spend a few moments with the EMTs getting checked for signs of concussion.

The car had to be towed and was likely totaled, according to police on the scene. The deer had fled. The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) was studying its tracks on the roadside to confirm that it was, in fact, just an ordinary deer. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.