Fauxhasset Paroder, 23rd Edition: Condo quandary

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously at 8 Lame Jane’s]

The developer of the 8 Lame Jane’s condos appeared again before the Planning Board on Wednesday, begging the Town to lift the cease and desist order it had placed on his project almost two months ago upon discovering that units were 8,400 square feet larger than his permit allowed.

“People won’t even come for tours, let alone make a down payment, ever since you folks suggested that the units could attain sentience and eat them,” developer J.J. Henry told the board. “How are we supposed to recover our costs? This is going to bankrupt us.”

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This symbol found in the condos’ basement has officials confounded. Where did it come from? What does it mean? Why doesn’t it respond to turpentine? Photo credit

From the beginning, Henry has maintained that his contractors had nothing to do with the extra square footage. He claims that the 12 bedrooms, nine bathrooms, three extra stories, and full-size swimming pools in each unit “just appeared.”

Considering that the interior of the townhomes is, impossibly, larger than the exterior, it’s possible Henry is telling the truth; maybe the rooms did appear by magic. That certainly seems to be what’s keeping them there now.

But if not Henry, then who put the rooms there, and why? The board wasn’t prepared to lift the cease and desist without a clear-cut explanation.

“Until the Town’s consulting firm finds a reason for the phenomenon, it just isn’t safe to let people in there – not residents, not construction workers,” said Chairman Blark Axelrod.

“That’s reasonable,” Henry agreed. “The only problem there is, your firm fired our consultant a month ago and hasn’t sent a new one.”

The consultant, Buster DeGost, was pulled from the investigation on December 7 after suggesting that a number of strange phenomena in Fauxhasset – Lame Jane’s condos, a pothole that swallowed a child on Achey Cedars Lane, and a possible space-time rift responsible for stretching and condensing town meetings – were all connected, and were all caused by demonic activity.

Inside sources say that DeGost’s termination was not due to the merit of his theories (or lack thereof), but to a snide comment the consultant made about the company holiday party, which was quoted in the Paroder.

(Editor’s note: Mr. DeGost, we apologize for the trouble we’ve caused you. We would be happy to print your side of the story any time you feel like getting revenge on your former employer.)

The Planning Board agreed, in the absence of a contractor, to take the meeting on the road and have a look at the units themselves. After touring the upper levels and watching Axelrod do tricks on his skateboard in the empty swimming pool, the board asked to see the basement.

Henry got cagey. He insisted that they weren’t finishing the basements and there was nothing to see down there but a mess of pipes and wiring. Interest piqued, board members shouldered past him to look for themselves. What they found explained everything.

A complex diagram, possibly of Satanic or demonic origin, covered much of the floor. There was some sort of astrological calendar intersecting with an eight-sided star. Smaller and off to the side, a familiar compass rose. And framing it all, an acute angle pointing southeast.

All of this was painted in red. Gleaming red that still looked wet. Your reporter boldly asked the question that no one else would speak.

“Is that blood?”

That’s when half a dozen construction workers firmly escorted the board (and, alas, the press) from the premises.

Outside, once the board had adjourned its meeting and departed, the Paroder got the exclusive explanation.

“We don’t know what that thing is,” Henry said. “We can’t get rid of it. We found it in the basement of the house that used to be here, but when we tore down the house, it didn’t go away. We dug the foundation – still there. Poured the cement – still there. Painted over the floor – still there.”

“We were gonna just close off the basement – keep it as utility space, serviced by the landlord only,” said Henry. “We don’t think it’s a danger. We’ve been on this project for five years, and the diagram’s been here the whole time, and the only bad juju we’ve encountered is governmental bureaucracy!”

“Frankly, though,” Henry said. “Even if the board lifts the cease and desist order, I don’t think we’re going to be able to sell these units now that this is out there.”

This is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner. 

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 13th Edition: Time is not on town’s side

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A possible rift in the space-time continuum, responsible for shaving 20 minutes off the Assembly of Chosen’s Marathon of Remarks a few weeks ago, may have widened, according to experts.

“Time taking up more or less space than it’s supposed to is a classic sign of a rift,” said Buster DeGost, a consultant hired by the town to determine why the new Lame Jane’s condos are bigger inside than out and whether that poses any risk to potential homebuyers.

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Oh, well. Time is an illusion, anyway. Photo credit

DeGost said it piqued his interest when the Annual Town Séance held last week wrapped up in a record 33 minutes.

The Annual Town Séance is held once a year in November so the spirits of our forefathers can ensure that we are doing things just as we have always done them. Normally it takes at least 33 minutes just to get all 8,000 Fauxhasset residents to shut up so the Town Manager can start the invocation.

In contrast, the Board of Academic Enlightenment (BAE) met for 33 hours straight on Wednesday (and Thursday, and part of Friday). The Panic Brigade had to be dispatched to the meeting with emergency rations as members of both the board and the public became severely hangry and dehydrated.

No one is sure what transpired at that meeting. BAE is shrouded in mystery and always has been, despite the fact that they post and hold their meetings publicly in accordance with the bylaw. We can, however, be confident that the meeting had little to do with our children’s education, since the teachers are still on strike.

33 minutes. 33 hours. Is there some significance to the number 33? DeGost doesn’t think so.

“The significance is that these events are becoming more frequent and drastic,” said DeGost. “And there could not be a worse time for this to happen than during the holidays, when time is already so muddled. No matter how long the office Christmas party seems to drag on, this season just flies by.”

DeGost said he will continue to investigate the rift and any possible connection it might have to the impossible square footage of the Lame Jane’s condos.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 5th Edition: Lame Jane’s condos push the envelope

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

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This house in Virginia attained sentience and ate the family living inside. Officials fear a similar fate could be in store for residents of Lame Jane’s condos. Photo credit

The luxury condos under construction at 8 Lame Jane’s are turning out a bit more luxurious than anyone expected, including the developer. How much more luxurious? Thousands of square feet more per unit, according to an open house flyer that advertised the units at 10,000 square feet apiece.

“We followed the plans,” swears developer J.J. Henry. “I don’t know what happened. We started with a plan for a two-bed, two-bath condo and wound up with five stories, nine bathrooms, a dozen bedrooms, and an entire floor dedicated to a full-size swimming pool in each unit.”

The special permit issued to the original developer, who abandoned the project and sold the property to Henry for undisclosed reasons in 2012, clearly stated that only 1,600 square feet of living space were to be developed. The basement and attic were to remain unfinished, per the zoning bylaw.

Henry clarified that no one had touched the basement or attic. The extra footage was distributed throughout the rest of the unit, he said.

“We just kept finding more rooms,” Henry said, “and so we just kept painting ‘em.”

On the bright side, said Henry, “It still looks the same on the outside – the footprint hasn’t changed. Only the interior has expanded.”

To the Planning Board, that wasn’t a bright side at all.

“I heard about that happening to a house in Virginia,” said Planning Board Chairman Blark Axelford – you know, that guy who rides his skateboard to every meeting.

“At first it was just this cute little mystery – ‘the inside of the house is bigger than the outside, how interesting,’” said Axelford. “But then the house attained sentience and ate the family. I think that’s a real concern here.”

Town Manager Mown Tanager agreed. He has already put in a request for a special consultant with the highest qualifications to take a look at the condos.

“There’s something strange in that neighborhood,” said Tanager. “Who else was I gonna call?”

The Planning Board unanimously voted to issue a “cease and desist” order until the mystery could be solved.


 

This is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.