Fauxhasset Paroder, 27th Edition: Signs of the times

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A clandestine group has altered the speed limit along 3A by taping poster board signs that say “35 mph” over the legally posted “50 mph” ones. Police advise motorists to travel at the official speed limit and ignore the posters.

“The driving along that stretch of road is already… unpredictable,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “We don’t need to make it any worse. People should just drive the speed they always drive there until we’re able to take down all the posters.”

 

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Although the exact identities of the perpetrators are yet unknown, it’s no surprise that advocates of a lower speed limit have taken matters into their own hands. Over the years, various community groups have fought fruitlessly for lower speed limits and traffic signals at a handful of difficult intersections in town.

3A is a state highway, so any alterations must come down from on high, and that can take anywhere from four to 40 years. Still, proponents evidently hoped that the curb cuts being added for the new self-storage facility would be enough to win them a traffic light in that location.

However, the state told the Planning Board last night that people who are entering the facility to store themselves cryogenically will not need to exit for at least 50 more years, at which time someone else can deal with the traffic issues.

The handmade speed limit signs appeared overnight after the meeting. Police have narrowed the field of suspects to active liberals who attended the Women’s March for America, since the signs were drawn on the back of posters that said “Nasty women grab back,” “Impeach the Cheeto,” and “Keep your tiny hands off our rights.”

Handwriting experts are now reviewing the evidence and hope to make a finding sometime in the next week.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 22nd Edition: Don’t cross the streams

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Please disregard the video footage aired by our broadcast team during the Assembly of Chosen’s Marathon of Remarks this week. It was accidentally misdirected from an alternate universe and formatted to fit your TV.

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The strange broadcast came through in landscape orientation with only 2D data, like something out of the 2000-aughts. Photo credit

The board noticed halfway through the Marathon that their counterparts on the broadcast monitor were wearing the wrong outfits. At first they believed the footage had originated at a prior meeting, one at which Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk was wearing a white sweater instead of a black one. But then She-Chosen Kaia Dennis noticed that her counterpart seemed to have a robotic arm.

“I never had a robotic body mod – not that there’s anything wrong with that,” said Dennis. “But that’s definitely not me.”

The broadcast technician, Miike “Jax” Jackson, pulled up the footage on his laptop and was surprised to find that it had been recorded in the old-fashioned horizontal orientation using twentieth-century two-dimensional graphics. There did not seem to be any hologram data attached to the files.

There was, however, audio, and what the board heard left them deeply rattled.

“That’s not me,” Dennis said again. “But that’s my voice! And my face. And that’s Mevin’s voice and face, and Saul and Gene and Jiles. Who are these people, and how did they manage to steal not just one identity, but the entire board’s?”

The content of the alternate board’s discussion was equally baffling. Members spoke of helping Cedar Acres (“Do they mean Achey Cedars?” asked Kirk), of replacing Town Hall (“But we just rebuilt the Temple,” objected Dennis), and of noise complaints at an establishment called the “Cohasset Harbor Inn.”

“He said Coh,” noticed He-Chosen Saul Preston. “Co-hasset, not Faux-hasset. And they keep calling themselves the ‘Board of Selectmen.’ I think, somehow, we’ve picked up a transmission from some other dimension – some other Fauxhasset.”

At that moment, Jax swore audibly.

“I know what happened,” said Jax. “Somewhere out there, there’s a town called ‘Cohasset’ that’s extremely confused about the meeting that aired on their TVs tonight. I’m sorry; this is my fault. I broke the most important rule of broadcasting: Don’t cross the streams!”

The information contained in the alien broadcast may be hazardous to your mental health. Complimentary memory modification will be provided to all affected Fauxhasset residents. No action is required at this time. If you were watching, we know about it. The Panic Brigade will be paying you a visit this weekend.

If you saw the broadcast and have not had your memory modified by Monday, please contact police immediately.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 13th Edition: Time is not on town’s side

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A possible rift in the space-time continuum, responsible for shaving 20 minutes off the Assembly of Chosen’s Marathon of Remarks a few weeks ago, may have widened, according to experts.

“Time taking up more or less space than it’s supposed to is a classic sign of a rift,” said Buster DeGost, a consultant hired by the town to determine why the new Lame Jane’s condos are bigger inside than out and whether that poses any risk to potential homebuyers.

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Oh, well. Time is an illusion, anyway. Photo credit

DeGost said it piqued his interest when the Annual Town Séance held last week wrapped up in a record 33 minutes.

The Annual Town Séance is held once a year in November so the spirits of our forefathers can ensure that we are doing things just as we have always done them. Normally it takes at least 33 minutes just to get all 8,000 Fauxhasset residents to shut up so the Town Manager can start the invocation.

In contrast, the Board of Academic Enlightenment (BAE) met for 33 hours straight on Wednesday (and Thursday, and part of Friday). The Panic Brigade had to be dispatched to the meeting with emergency rations as members of both the board and the public became severely hangry and dehydrated.

No one is sure what transpired at that meeting. BAE is shrouded in mystery and always has been, despite the fact that they post and hold their meetings publicly in accordance with the bylaw. We can, however, be confident that the meeting had little to do with our children’s education, since the teachers are still on strike.

33 minutes. 33 hours. Is there some significance to the number 33? DeGost doesn’t think so.

“The significance is that these events are becoming more frequent and drastic,” said DeGost. “And there could not be a worse time for this to happen than during the holidays, when time is already so muddled. No matter how long the office Christmas party seems to drag on, this season just flies by.”

DeGost said he will continue to investigate the rift and any possible connection it might have to the impossible square footage of the Lame Jane’s condos.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.