Fauxhasset Paroder, 92nd Edition: Summer Rewind

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Around 9:00 on Tuesday night, police were inundated with noise complaints from residents around the harbor, all claiming the same impossible circumstance: That they were experiencing the disruptive sounds of a fireworks show, without any of the concurrent bursts of light and color.

The Fourth of July fireworks display was not scheduled until the following evening, leading residents and police to believe that people were illegally setting off their own commercial-grade fireworks. However, police were unable to determine the source of the noise. After half an hour, it stopped on its own.

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Kevin Spaceraptor was finally reunited with his parents. | Photo credit

It wasn’t until 8:00 on Wednesday night that the explanation became clear. As thousands of elderly residents hobbled, shuffled, and minced down to the docks for the formally sanctioned fireworks show, they were surprised to see bursts of light already illuminating the sky an hour before the show was scheduled to begin.

Witnesses reported that there were two unusual things about the fireworks (aside from their earliness). First, they were utterly silent. Second, instead of exploding across the heavens, the bursts seemed rather to be imploding. Sparks were fading into sight from every corner of the sky and converging to a single point before descending to the offshore barge where a very confused team of pyro-technicians was trying to prepare for a show that had apparently already happened.

Then the strangest thing of all happened. The very sky began to peel back from the horizon and fold in upon itself, revealing the backdrop of blackest space freckled with infinite stars.

Three figures were seen ascending into the crumpling twilight. The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) identified them as his own service velociraptor, the young Kevin Spaceraptor, and, most likely, the elusive Father Timeraptor.

In the total darkness that ensued, it took everyone a moment to realize that they weren’t old anymore. Then, as their now-youthful eyes adjusted to the starlight, the people of Fauxhasset saw that their bodies had been restored to their rightful ages with the timeraptor’s departure.

The only person sad about any of it was the LAW.

“I am, of course, glad that our plan worked and that we were able to set everyone’s ages right, as well as reuniting Kevin with his parents,” said the LAW. “Hopefully this means no more weird time blips in town for the foreseeable future. But I would’ve liked to meet Father Timeraptor before he ascended. And I’m really going to miss that service velociraptor.”

Luckily for the LAW, there are still thousands of cats awaiting adoption, which young Kevin let into town through a small, carelessly-opened space rift near the Paroder office. Surely one of those would make a perfectly good service animal – and at the very least, when you take them for a walk, they’re much easier to clean up after than a dinosaur.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 91st Edition: Finding Kevin Spaceraptor

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

We’re all going to be young again, Fauxhasset!

The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW), his velociraptor, and their team of aliens have discovered the whereabouts of a certain young spaceraptor. The Futuristical Society is now broadcasting the child’s location across the space-time continuum, asking that his parental unit please come pick up his son.

If all goes according to plan, Father Timeraptor will return to Fauxhasset, take the spaceraptor home, and restore everyone to their proper ages. Maybe he’ll be so grateful to us for finding his son, he’ll even knock off a few extra years!

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A scientific drawing of Kevin Spaceraptor (photographers were unable to get an actual photo due to odd properties of light surrounding the raptor).

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. This is a news report, not a prophecy. You want omens, go read the late Father Mumblehill’s “Book of Apocalypses.”

As of yet, the timeraptor has yet to make a reappearance – but we’re learning more and more about the young spaceraptor every day. Other than the reproductive complexities of a species with three biological sexes, little has been studied or written about raptors. Paranormal investigator Buster De Gost is now compiling a research report of his findings.

The number-one discovery? It turns out, if you want to hunt down a spaceraptor, all you’ve got to do is follow the cats. The LAW claims that’s exactly what he’s been saying all along, but no one would listen to him until the Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) released him from jail.

“Where else d’you think this big ol’ clowder of cats came from?” the LAW said. “Ah well, moot point now anyway. As soon as Father Timeraptor takes home little Kevin Spaceraptor – that’s what we named him, Kevin – it’ll close up that rift and the cats’ll stop appearing.”

When asked about possible solutions for the thousands of cats that have already appeared in town, the LAW simply said, “We’ll cross that rift when we come to it.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 89th Edition: Space(raptor) Case

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) and a well-trained velociraptor have been released from prison on the condition that they lead the charge to track down a problematic timeraptor that passed through town looking for its son last month, aging everyone in town by 50 years.

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Step 1: Find baby spaceraptor. Step 2: Father Timeraptor will follow. Foolproof! | Photo credit

The LAW and the velociraptor, which he claims to be his service animal, have been in jail since January, when they were found guilty of conspiring with local hotelier Ord Girdlehyde to tear open the fabric of space and let thousands of aliens into our fine town.

The Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) agreed that, despite his criminal past, the LAW could bring unique and valuable knowledge to the present circumstances, so they brought him before the board at their last meeting to share everything he knew about raptors.

“The first think you’ve got to understand about raptors is, they’re very concerned with family,” said the LAW. “That’s why this Father Timeraptor made such a mess looking for his son. I think, if we can get his son to come back to Fauxhasset, we can get the Father to come back too – and hopefully fix this mess he’s made.”

The LAW believes that the “Father” in question is none other than the timeraptor that reproduced with his velociraptor to create that spatial rift over Castle Girdlehausen in the wetlands last December.

“He was just a young timeraptor back then,” said the LAW. “But, well, you know how dads are superheroes. Now that he’s a Father Timeraptor, he’s gained much more power, which is why he had such a massive effect on the town. I don’t think he meant to hurt anyone.”

The “son,” of course, would be the spaceraptor that was born along with the rift – and not, as the Paroder first theorized, a younger timeraptor. The LAW said it all comes down to the oddities of the raptor reproductive cycle and the complex mathematics of a race with three biological sexes.

“To start with,” he said, “velociraptors are born when a distance-raptor (colloquially known as a spaceraptor) is placed over a timeraptor. Meanwhile, multiplying a timeraptor and a velociraptor creates a baby spaceraptor – along with precisely the type of spatial rift that appeared in Fauxhasset’s wetlands last winter.”

The LAW was unable to provide a “TL;DR” for the Paroder when asked.

“It’s just distance over time equals velocity,” he said gruffly. “Even Steer Mill kids know that.”

The LAW believes that, if he can find the baby spaceraptor, then baby-daddy timeraptor will come back to get it. Several aliens, which were not affected by the time-shift, volunteered to help the LAW in this endeavor.

“We are the most able-bodied people in town at this time,” said one alien who attended the meeting, named ρяΐиͼε. “We also feel this is an opportunity to show that our true intentions toward the people of Fauxhasset are nothing but helpfulness and goodwill. If this were not so, we would simply let all of you get old and die so we could inherit this most perfect place in the universe.”

The LAW, his velociraptor, and a team of five aliens, including ρяΐиͼε and Fauxhasset’s first alien resident, ϨΔиϮα, set out directly after the meeting to begin searching for the spaceraptor. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.