By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Around 9:00 on Tuesday night, police were inundated with noise complaints from residents around the harbor, all claiming the same impossible circumstance: That they were experiencing the disruptive sounds of a fireworks show, without any of the concurrent bursts of light and color.
The Fourth of July fireworks display was not scheduled until the following evening, leading residents and police to believe that people were illegally setting off their own commercial-grade fireworks. However, police were unable to determine the source of the noise. After half an hour, it stopped on its own.
It wasn’t until 8:00 on Wednesday night that the explanation became clear. As thousands of elderly residents hobbled, shuffled, and minced down to the docks for the formally sanctioned fireworks show, they were surprised to see bursts of light already illuminating the sky an hour before the show was scheduled to begin.
Witnesses reported that there were two unusual things about the fireworks (aside from their earliness). First, they were utterly silent. Second, instead of exploding across the heavens, the bursts seemed rather to be imploding. Sparks were fading into sight from every corner of the sky and converging to a single point before descending to the offshore barge where a very confused team of pyro-technicians was trying to prepare for a show that had apparently already happened.
Then the strangest thing of all happened. The very sky began to peel back from the horizon and fold in upon itself, revealing the backdrop of blackest space freckled with infinite stars.
Three figures were seen ascending into the crumpling twilight. The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) identified them as his own service velociraptor, the young Kevin Spaceraptor, and, most likely, the elusive Father Timeraptor.
In the total darkness that ensued, it took everyone a moment to realize that they weren’t old anymore. Then, as their now-youthful eyes adjusted to the starlight, the people of Fauxhasset saw that their bodies had been restored to their rightful ages with the timeraptor’s departure.
The only person sad about any of it was the LAW.
“I am, of course, glad that our plan worked and that we were able to set everyone’s ages right, as well as reuniting Kevin with his parents,” said the LAW. “Hopefully this means no more weird time blips in town for the foreseeable future. But I would’ve liked to meet Father Timeraptor before he ascended. And I’m really going to miss that service velociraptor.”
Luckily for the LAW, there are still thousands of cats awaiting adoption, which young Kevin let into town through a small, carelessly-opened space rift near the Paroder office. Surely one of those would make a perfectly good service animal – and at the very least, when you take them for a walk, they’re much easier to clean up after than a dinosaur.