Fauxhasset Paroder, 42nd Edition: Punxsutawney Punk’d, Part 5

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Read the Punsutawney Punk’d saga from the beginning]

[Catch up on the latest installment]

 

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It’s the ciiiiiiircle of liiiiiiife after death. Photo credit

The most hated man in town is now a hero.

Ord Girdlehyde, owner of Pacifica, Ye Olde Salt House, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor (he’s kind of a big deal) cut short his winter holiday on the African savannah and returned to snowy Fauxhasset to search for Punxsutawney Phil, missing since Feb. 2. And he found him.

Girdlehyde teamed up with JJ Henry, developer of the 8 Lame Jane townhomes, and a band of coyotes who had been living at the Mad Elephant Hotel to sniff out the missing groundhog.

“The bad weather was crippling our business,” Girdlehyde said. “The black hole in the harbor was one thing, but nobody wants to get married in the snow.”

“Construction was at a standstill,” added Henry. “We actually convinced the Planning Board to lift the cease and desist order, but a lot of good it did us with all this snow.”

Our heroes found Phil on Fame Island in a dead-end tunnel, blocked in by a large boulder that had been rolled in front of the mouth of the cave.

The property owner had started blasting the tunnel out of the coastal ledge to build a knock-off Space Mountain roller coaster before the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) told him he couldn’t put a theme park on the island for environmental reasons. Now, what had been intended as a fun escape had become a prison.

Upon rolling the boulder aside, the men were briefly blinded by a bright light emanating from the cave. No… not from the cave. From the groundhog inside. As their eyes adjusted, the radiant rodent turned to face them.

“The time of shadows is past,” said Punxsutawney Phil in a deep baritone – and indeed, he cast no shadow, only light: a sure sign that spring had arrived.

The imposter, dubbed “Fauxsutawney Fil” by locals, still has not been apprehended, but his sway over the town seems to have diminished already. The snow has stopped falling, and the sun even broke through the clouds this morning. The uppermost layers of snow have begun to soften.

Still, it’s likely to be a while yet before we’re rid of these 3,141 inches of snow. So keep rationing that milky bread, and as always, remember to tip your carrier squirrel.

It’s probably safe to stop with the burnt offerings, though.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 41st Edition: What the cup?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The town is in an uproar over Mooncheddar’s new spring coffee cups.

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They’re calling these “Easter cups?” At least the red cups evoked imagery of the blood of Christ. Photo credit

Customers leaving the drive-through Friday morning found that their coffee had been handed to them in an unadorned, pastel yellow, green, or turquoise cup instead of the usual white cup emblazoned with Mooncheddar’s iconic green logo, which features a Pegasus flying to the moon.

The Paroder caught up with some dissatisfied customers who had gone to the trouble of parking their cars and storming into the café to demand an exchange.

“Look at this cup! Do you see any bunnies on this cup?” said one customer, whose fingernails had been manicured to look like Easter eggs. “The Easter cups always have pictures of bunnies and flowers and little baby chicks hatching out of eggs. Mooncheddar is clearly waging war on Easter.”

Other customers agreed with her.

“It’s this ‘political correctness’ bullsh—t that’s taken over the country,” said a grizzly, bearded old man. “Can’t even wish somebody a happy Easter without the PC police coming to call. These damn millennials and their safe spaces.”

Deacon Mooney of the last remaining Christian church in Fauxhasset was found weeping softly in the corner as he prayed the rosary.

“I don’t have a problem with them getting rid of the bunnies,” said Mooney. “All that stuff is just a pagan distraction from the true meaning of Easter.”

“But if they wanted to make a point,” said Mooney, “they should have depicted Christ on the cross, his tears mingling with blood from the wound in his side. Two thieves, nailed to crosses on either side of him. Or Christ emerging from the grave, holes still in his hands, but radiant and victorious as his followers weep and fall to their knees in worship. Now that’s messaging.”

Nom Chompsky, town glutton, could be seen at the next table, collecting everyone’s rejected coffees and chugging his way through the ever-growing collection of pastel cups.

“This is my 19th free coffee today,” Chompsky declared. “I don’t care what color cup it’s in; I’m just thankful the Lord has chosen to bless me with caffeine for another day.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 40th Edition: Kids and quarterback tackle snow

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

As the skies continue to vomit snow upon the town of Fauxhasset, there is one place where spring has sprung – where, indeed, spring has always sprung, even in the heart of winters both natural and supernatural: the perpetual growth organic garden at the middle-high school.

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Students have built robots to help with gardening and produce delivery to Fauxhasset’s 8,000 residents. Photo credit

And so, in its first act as an independent nation-state, the school has begun exporting organic produce to the surrounding community. Prices are high, of course, in line with supply and demand as well as the school’s newfound and somewhat desperate need for revenue.

“The students were shocked when I told them that seceding from the town meant the town wouldn’t be giving them money anymore,” said President Jimmy Garoppolo, former second-string quarterback for the New England Patriots. “They had no funds, no economy, and no plans for how to get either.”

Garoppolo has been working with the civics and government class and members of the Model UN team to build an economy so the Fauxhasset Enclave (self-styled “the Fenclave”) can fund its continued existence going forward.

Right now, students are focused on their most immediate needs and those of the surrounding community as snowfall totals climb toward the thousands of inches.

Athletes have been digging tunnels through the snow to access and serve Fauxhasset’s most vulnerable citizens: its elderly population.

Those same tunnels are used by students delivering produce that Fauxhasset residents have ordered online from the Fenclave’s website.

Chemistry students are processing the removed snow to remove impurities so it can be used as drinking water by residents of the Fenclave and beyond.

Home ec students are cooking meals in the cafeteria for Fauxhasset public safety officers and Panic Brigade members on the job (apparently hyperventilating really works up an appetite).

Biology students are caring for overworked carrier squirrels while engineering students innovate robots that can help relieve some of the squirrels’ responsibilities in these trying times. Art students have designed luxury quarters where squirrels can rest between delivery and snow-clearing shifts.

“Everybody is playing to their strengths,” Garoppolo said. “They still have no idea how to be their own country, of course, but they’re playing as a team, and in my professional opinion, this is a definitive first down.”