Fauxhasset Paroder, 74th Edition: New Year, New Crew

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s nothing like the New Year: a time for beginnings, yet equally, a time for endings.

how-aliens-celebrate-new-years-eve3-1

The migrant aliens wasted no time in their endeavor to act like humans. They spent New Year’s Eve imbibing heavily to the pounding beats of DJ Huzkiii. Photo credit

For instance, with the opening of the portal above Castle Girdlehausen in the Mecca Mile wetlands, the mystery of the Fauxhasset Triangle draws to an end.

The suspects confessed to police that opening the portal was a plot by hotelier Ord Girdlehyde, the Local and Regional Animal Whisperers (LAW and RAW), and would-be Fame Island developer Zohn Donne, who recently departed on a cruise around the asteroid belt and will not be back for several years (at which time he will immediately be placed under arrest).

It is also the end of the black hole in the harbor, which, after vomiting out all the detritus residents had thrown into it over the past almost-year, also coughed up all the seawater it had swallowed, refilling the harbor to its natural depth.

But let us look now to the new beginnings.

For instance, it is the beginning of an era in which citizens must share their beloved hometown (parking spaces included) with a large new contingent of alien residents. It is also the beginning of a new era in local yoga instruction: The zero-gravity yoga studio formerly located above the black hole will reopen as an underwater studio next month.

These are just a few examples of the beginnings and endings that our town is looking at this January.

Fauxhasset, we asked you to share your beginnings and endings with us, as well, so without further ado, here’s what you and your neighbors hope to achieve in the new year. Be sure to hang this article on your fridge so you can judge each other when you fail.

Two Men And Their Dog: To be the three best parents we can be.

Punxsutawney Phil: To not get kidnapped this Groundhog Day.

Unidentified 63-year-old woman: I plan to start attending underwater yoga to limber up this reverse-aging body of mine!

Ord Girdlehyde, Mad Elephant Hotel & Castle Girdlehausen: Make money. Get out of jail. Then make money.

Sean McJeffrey, Fuglyoaks Lane resident: Finally get that tax credit for the king-size candy bars the Town forces us to give out on Halloween.

Devan Branch, Full-Time Jedi: I now dedicate my life to facilitating peace between humans and aliens on Earth, as I have been called to do. May the Force be with me, and you, and all whom you love, now and forever. Amen.

Father Mumblehill, Flaxen Mary Abbey: I and my students vow to keep vigil at this new monstrosity which the powers of Satan hath wrought above Castle Girdlehausen. Some of you have foolishly decided to welcome the aliens and help them fit in, but we know God’s truth is that these creatures have come to us straight from the pits of hell to test our faith. They even call their home planet JELAMENA-8. Hear how it sounds like “Hell – Amen?” Be vigilant, Fauxhasset. These aliens may look like us, and talk like us, and act like us, but they are not like us.

Town Manager Mown Tanager: To plan the greatest celebration ever for Fauxhasset’s upcoming 2,500th anniversary. Hard to believe our little town has been around for two and a half millennia! Anyone who wants to help with the festivities should reach out to Town Hall as soon as possible.

GREG (Green and Renewable Energy Group): To purge Fauxhasset’s waters of that foul glitter spilled at the Castle Girdlehausen worksite this fall.

Dooey Lembas, Spokeschild for Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes: To turn more superheroes into snowflakes. We’ve hardly had any snow at all this year, so we’re clearly not doing our job! We are sorry, Fauxhasset, and we promise to do better.

Thamanda Crompson, Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter: To find forever homes for the dozens of cats that have been spawning outside of our office since November. I’ve adopted my 10 cats; have you?

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 46th Edition: Say hi to your mom

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Futuristical Society has announced their capital campaign to purchase the historic Peachhood Congregational Church, which shuttered when Christianity went out of business in the latter 1990s.

Delorean going back to the future

Travel back in time to witness your own birth! This and other great prizes will be up for auction at the Futuristical Society’s June 9 fundraiser. Photo credit

The society plans to convert the fellowship hall and sanctuary into computer workstations and the bell tower into a space observatory with a high-power telescope. Beneath the steeple, there will be room for future construction of a space shuttle.

“This church has always been ahead of its time,” said Futuristical Society Director Zed Harbinger. “It was founded, funded, constructed, and entirely run by women in a time when women in church leadership was unheard-of. We believe the next step for this visionary venue should be just as bold.”

“But we don’t want to offend anyone who still thinks religion is the answer,” Harbinger added. “And we know people care a lot about this church. Maybe they grew up in it or got married there. That’s why we’re keeping this place’s eyes on the heavens by retrofitting it as a space observatory.”

Harbinger said that the former church will still conduct wedding ceremonies if any scientifically-minded couples wish to tie the knot in the shadow of the shuttle.

The society’s first fundraiser will be a silent auction on June 9. Up for grabs will be a starter telescope, an exotic week-long cruise stopping at various points throughout the asteroid belt, a star named after you, the future space center named after you, and a trip back in time to witness your own birth.

For more information, simply close your eyes and wish; the Futuristical Society can read your mind.