Fauxhasset Paroder, 73rd Edition: Every Space Rift Has a Silver Lining

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The snow has settled since yesterday’s alien invasion, leaving Fauxhasset encrusted in glitter: it seems that the construction accident at Castle Girdelhausen has polluted not only the water supply, but the entire water cycle.

However, the glitter is the least of anyone’s concerns now that the aliens are here.

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The gateway to hell. Uh, JELAMENA-8, that is. Photo credit

It was one thing when it was just ϨΔиϮα and whoever knocked up the mother of that faceless baby that Two Men And Their Dog adopted. Now, there are thousands of aliens, and each one has its own personal cyborg assistant.

Well, at least no one can complain about the unemployed androids anymore.

Speaking of silver linings, there was one other good thing that came out of the giant rift in space over Castle Girdlehausen. Shorty Lembas, the five-year-old child who was swallowed by a pothole on Achey Cedars Way last December, emerged with the alien procession – alive, unharmed, ten years older and five feet taller.

He was greeted by his big sister (now his little sister) Dooey Lembas, a third-grade student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

Dooey seized her brother’s leg and bellowed, “What did they do to you? You’re not short anymore! This is baloney! I spent this whole year trying to save you, and what did you do? You went and got tall! This is some alien shenanigans for sure. We’ll get you sorted out and short again just like before.”

Angry as she might have been, Dooey could not be prized from Shorty’s leg for the duration of his interview with the Paroder.

Shorty reported that he had spent the past 10 years on the planet JELAMENA-8, where he would have starved or been eaten by monsters if the kindly aliens hadn’t found him and raised him as one of their own. He said that, because the aliens could take different shapes, they were able to discover his body’s needs and provide him with the appropriate nourishment and even care for him when he fell ill.

“Be good to them,” Shorty said. “I know they seem kinda weird at first, but they’re really nice.”

The Paroder caught up with Police Chief Stephen Quill to find out whether investigators had learned anything from Ord Girdlehyde (owner of Castle Girdlehausen, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor) and the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW), who allegedly conspired to open the portal and were arrested at the scene of the rift on Christmas Day.

Quill said the department is still trying to piece together exactly how the suspects opened the portal and how it might be closed. However, they believe that a velociraptor in their custody, which the LAW is claiming to be his service animal, may have played a bigger role than the LAW is letting on.

“Radiation State Park Senior Ranger Roc Rubble has informed us that the timeraptor and the velociraptor are two of the three biological sexes of raptor,” explained Quill. “We have reason to believe that a timeraptor has passed through town at least twice this year. Beyond that, it’s just basic math. Put one raptor over the other and you get the third: the lesser-known distance-raptor, a.k.a. the space-raptor, which is apparently capable of opening a rift just like the one we have here in town over Castle Girdlehausen.”

Town officials said they are considering launching an alien naturalization program to help these strangers learn to look, speak, and act like the rest of us.

“We’d prefer to see these invaders return to their home planet,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “But if they want to live among humans, that’s up to them – they just need to follow our local bylaws and cultural norms. That includes becoming legal citizens, taking a humanoid form, and of course, finding gainful employment so they can give back to our society.”

“If they can’t agree to that,” Tanager added, “then we’ll have to revisit the possibility of a forced relocation program. We hope it doesn’t come to that.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 62nd Edition: The Land Before (and After) Timeraptor

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It seems another time warp has rolled through Fauxhasset, this time costing residents nearly a month in lost and unremembered time. Residents fell asleep the evening of Sept. 28 and awoke to find that all the clocks and calendars had skipped ahead to Oct. 17.

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The elusive timeraptor, believed to be a product of the common velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor. Photo credit

Some things in town jumped ahead with the date. For instance, the fall foliage is in its full splendor (although residents are reminded that taking scenic landscape photos is against the law in Fauxhasset – take that classless pseudo-art to Proxituate!).

Other things seem not to have changed at all. Funningham Bridge, for example, is still in complete shambles and closed to traffic – although it’s hard to say whether the time warp skipped that part of town, or whether construction progress is simply that inefficient. Both seem equally possible.

Town Manager Mown Tanager said that officials are “taking steps to ensure that this sort of thing doesn’t keep happening,” calling the frequent and lengthening time losses “troubling and unacceptable on the Town’s part. We can do better; we have to do better.”

Paranormal investigator Buster DeGost is conducting an investigation in conjunction with the Regional Animal Whisperer (RAW). (The Local Animal Whisperer, or LAW, was carried away by Fauxsutawney Fil’s congregation in the Womp in August and has yet to be found.)

The investigators believe that the time lapses are attributable to a timeraptor passing through town. Timeraptors are one of the three biological sexes of raptor, the others being the traditional velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor. Though little scientific knowledge is available about the species, scientists believe that the timeraptor eats time as part of its diet.

A timeraptor was documented passing through town in the spring, when its presence caused the Semiannual Spring Séance to wrap up in an uncannily reasonable three and a half hours. DeGost and the RAW believe that the creature may have simply been passing back through on its migrational route.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” said GREG, the town’s Green and Renewable Energy Group. “It’s fall. Time is supposed to fall back, not spring forward.”

GREG says it is much more likely that the fabric of time itself is eroding due to mankind’s disregard for its value and constant squandering of its resources. To conserve time, GREG urges residents to practice mindfulness meditation and focus on the present moment before it slips away.

 

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 45th Edition: Rare raptor makes millisecond appearance

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Voters at the Semiannual Spring Séance left the Monday night meeting in a cloud of confusion: rather than wrapping up in minutes or dragging on for days, like most public meetings in Fauxhasset, the séance lasted three and a half hours – precisely the length of time that a good séance should last.

“The spirits of the forefathers were smiling on us today,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager by way of explanation. “We got through the articles expeditiously, and managed to have some really positive conversations in the process. It was demigodocracy at its finest.”

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Not like you need one, buddy. Photo credit

 

Our broadcast technician, Miike “Jax” Jackson, had a different explanation.

“Ghosts, demigods – does anyone really believe that crap? This was science, pure and simple,” said Jax. “If you play back our hologram footage in slow motion, you’ll see that a timeraptor passed through the gym at 7:33 and 33 seconds. After that, everything started moving at exactly the right speed.”

A timeraptor, according to the Local Animal Whisperer, is one of the three biological sexes of raptor, the others being the traditional velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor (referred to in some circles as the “distanceraptor”).

Little is known about the reproductive habits of raptors. What scientists do know is that, whenever you place one over another, it always equals the third.

It is suspected that timeraptors actually eat time as part of their diet and that they lay their eggs in the remote corners of the darknet, feeding their young with scraps scavenged from YouTube, Facebook, and other time-sucking platforms.

It’s difficult to say how rare timeraptors actually are, since they are all but impossible to detect even when moving relatively slowly – which, for them, is around the speed of infrared light. At full throttle, a timeraptor can easily exceed the speed of light.

“The real miracle here wasn’t that the forefathers gave the meeting their blessing,” said Jax. “It’s that we were able to capture this rare and mysterious creature on holo-film for the first time ever. Before, science had no way to study the timeraptor in its natural habitat. This is a game-changer.”

“Nah,” said the Local Animal Whisperer. “The real real miracle is that the raptor didn’t eat anyone. My concern is this: where there’s a timeraptor, there’s bound to be a velociraptor and a spaceraptor, too. I’m not looking forward to the day we find either of those.”