Fauxhasset Paroder, 45th Edition: Rare raptor makes millisecond appearance

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Voters at the Semiannual Spring Séance left the Monday night meeting in a cloud of confusion: rather than wrapping up in minutes or dragging on for days, like most public meetings in Fauxhasset, the séance lasted three and a half hours – precisely the length of time that a good séance should last.

“The spirits of the forefathers were smiling on us today,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager by way of explanation. “We got through the articles expeditiously, and managed to have some really positive conversations in the process. It was demigodocracy at its finest.”

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Not like you need one, buddy. Photo credit

 

Our broadcast technician, Miike “Jax” Jackson, had a different explanation.

“Ghosts, demigods – does anyone really believe that crap? This was science, pure and simple,” said Jax. “If you play back our hologram footage in slow motion, you’ll see that a timeraptor passed through the gym at 7:33 and 33 seconds. After that, everything started moving at exactly the right speed.”

A timeraptor, according to the Local Animal Whisperer, is one of the three biological sexes of raptor, the others being the traditional velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor (referred to in some circles as the “distanceraptor”).

Little is known about the reproductive habits of raptors. What scientists do know is that, whenever you place one over another, it always equals the third.

It is suspected that timeraptors actually eat time as part of their diet and that they lay their eggs in the remote corners of the darknet, feeding their young with scraps scavenged from YouTube, Facebook, and other time-sucking platforms.

It’s difficult to say how rare timeraptors actually are, since they are all but impossible to detect even when moving relatively slowly – which, for them, is around the speed of infrared light. At full throttle, a timeraptor can easily exceed the speed of light.

“The real miracle here wasn’t that the forefathers gave the meeting their blessing,” said Jax. “It’s that we were able to capture this rare and mysterious creature on holo-film for the first time ever. Before, science had no way to study the timeraptor in its natural habitat. This is a game-changer.”

“Nah,” said the Local Animal Whisperer. “The real real miracle is that the raptor didn’t eat anyone. My concern is this: where there’s a timeraptor, there’s bound to be a velociraptor and a spaceraptor, too. I’m not looking forward to the day we find either of those.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 15th Edition: Ghosts of Christmas present

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

With less than a week to go until the big day, officials have finally, after significant mediation, reached an agreement about how Santa Claus will arrive in town the night of Christmas Eve.

Santa will not arrive by sleigh (the widely accepted tradition), nor by lobster boat (the local tradition), but by duck boat: a new and improved tradition that captures “the best of both worlds,” according to Assembly of Chosen Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk.

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The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) is breeding a custom flock of “reinducks” to pull the duck boat and says that, with a little bit of “science,” he can have them ready for Christmas Eve. Photo credit

To reach this decision, the Chosen conducted an emergency séance with the spirits of our forefathers, a bold move undertaken only as an absolute last resort. There hasn’t been an emergency séance since that time the lobsters starting waging guerilla warfare against lobstermen in the 1990s.

“The forefathers have never steered us wrong,” said Kirk. “We asked them to knock once if Santa should arrive by land, and twice if by sea. They knocked three times, so I think the answer is pretty clear: it’s both. And the only way to do that is by duck boat.”

The Chosen reached out to Governor Barley Chaker and to Warty Malsh, Mayor of Fauxston, about renting a duck boat from the city. Chaker and Malsh were more than happy to make the arrangements.

Now the only problem left is what to do about abutters to the Town Common, who have taken issue with the congress of ghosts that has been lingering since Halloween.

The Paroder previously reported that the Town had extended its contract with the congress. Ghosts were trained to sing Christmas carols and produce isolated cold spots and snowfall, guaranteeing the first white Christmas Fauxhasset has seen in a number of years.

Abutters, however, are complaining that the snow drifts are wet, cold, and depressing, not to mention dangerous for motorists and pedestrians alike.

“Why should we have to suffer so the rest of the town can enjoy a white Christmas?” said one abutter. “Send those ghosts over to dump snow on everybody else’s driveway and see if they still want a white Christmas then!”

“It’s bad enough that we have to deal with that awful stuff for half the year,” said another. “We’re lucky enough not to have snow – why would anyone want to pretend we did? Just because we live in New England doesn’t mean we have to be miserable all the time.”

“The constant caroling and billowing inflatables have got to stop,” added a third abutter. “My children can’t sleep. It’s like living across from Ye Olde Pepper Mill.” (The Mill, as we all know, is infamous for violating the noise, liquor, and dancing clauses of its Fun Allowance Permit on a fairly frequent basis.)

The Chosen agreed to have the ghosts quiet down after 8:00 p.m. and said they would talk to the congress about keeping the snow piles away from people’s driveways. However, they were not willing to cancel the display altogether.

“Last year, these same neighbors complained that the Christmas lights were too bright, so we went with something dark and morbid this year, and they still aren’t happy,” said Kirk. “We can’t win. They’ll just have to deal with the ghosts for five more nights, and that’s that.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 13th Edition: Time is not on town’s side

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A possible rift in the space-time continuum, responsible for shaving 20 minutes off the Assembly of Chosen’s Marathon of Remarks a few weeks ago, may have widened, according to experts.

“Time taking up more or less space than it’s supposed to is a classic sign of a rift,” said Buster DeGost, a consultant hired by the town to determine why the new Lame Jane’s condos are bigger inside than out and whether that poses any risk to potential homebuyers.

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Oh, well. Time is an illusion, anyway. Photo credit

DeGost said it piqued his interest when the Annual Town Séance held last week wrapped up in a record 33 minutes.

The Annual Town Séance is held once a year in November so the spirits of our forefathers can ensure that we are doing things just as we have always done them. Normally it takes at least 33 minutes just to get all 8,000 Fauxhasset residents to shut up so the Town Manager can start the invocation.

In contrast, the Board of Academic Enlightenment (BAE) met for 33 hours straight on Wednesday (and Thursday, and part of Friday). The Panic Brigade had to be dispatched to the meeting with emergency rations as members of both the board and the public became severely hangry and dehydrated.

No one is sure what transpired at that meeting. BAE is shrouded in mystery and always has been, despite the fact that they post and hold their meetings publicly in accordance with the bylaw. We can, however, be confident that the meeting had little to do with our children’s education, since the teachers are still on strike.

33 minutes. 33 hours. Is there some significance to the number 33? DeGost doesn’t think so.

“The significance is that these events are becoming more frequent and drastic,” said DeGost. “And there could not be a worse time for this to happen than during the holidays, when time is already so muddled. No matter how long the office Christmas party seems to drag on, this season just flies by.”

DeGost said he will continue to investigate the rift and any possible connection it might have to the impossible square footage of the Lame Jane’s condos.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.