Fauxhasset Paroder, 83rd Edition: Well That Escaladed

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

As the pleasant spring weather returns, so too do the less-pleasant perennial spring issues. They crop up year after year, like weeds in our perfect garden of a community. Like Sisyphus, we are bound to heave our boulder up the hill repeatedly for all eternity.

Or at least, we are bound to heave our bodies up the hill to the soccer field on Saturday mornings from the parking lot where soccer parents are SUPPOSED to leave their cars, Fauxhasset – and not from halfway up the hill, parked askew with two wheels in the roadway and two on the sidewalk like savages.

 

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If the Town decides it doesn’t like where you parked… well, sucks for you. | Photo credit

Parking, of course, is an issue as old as time here in Fauxhasset, but it has reached a breaking point now that the aliens have doubled the town’s population – and with it, the number of vehicles its parking lots must accommodate.

The Assembly of Chosen met Monday to discuss. After four hours, attendees were growing restless.

“I don’t see why we can’t just send them all to satellite parking,” said one audience member. “Isn’t that for satellites?”

Everyone knows the answer to that is “No.” According to the bylaws, the satellite parking lot is for employees of the village business district and not for visiting spacecraft.

An alien in attendance noted that she and her family are not “visiting.” She said that she, her husband, their three children, and their extended family have been living at Ord Girdlehyde’s Castle Girdlehausen in the wetlands since January and plan to stay there until the kids graduate from the Fenclave.

Therefore, she said, the bylaw doesn’t apply to them; there’s no reason that, as permanent residents, their parking should be restricted under the Visiting Spacecraft Parking Act of 1969 just because they happen to drive a space vehicle.

Furthermore, she said, her entire extended family shares a single vehicle – a compact electric spacecraft that takes up less space than an Escalade (at least on the outside).

Board members agreed that the size of the vehicles was irrelevant; there are simply too many of them in proportion to the number of available parking spaces in town.

He-Chosen Saul Preston suggested asking the Capital Budget Committee to cough up for that car vaporizer they were talking about last spring.

“The City of Fauxston got a dozen of them last year, and I hear they’re having absolutely no parking issues this season,” Preston said. “It’s also lightened up the traffic on city streets and highways. I think it’s always a good thing when we can take cars off the road – it’s good for the environment.”

The board agreed to put the idea on the Capital Budget Committee’s next agenda.

As the meeting ended, the Paroder caught up with ɱʘиα£ΐϨα, the alien who spoke during the meeting.

“I’m not saying parking isn’t a problem,” said ɱʘиα£ΐϨα. “It clearly is – but it also clearly has been since long before my family came to town. Yes, we are contributing to the problem, but we are just as happy to be part of the solution. All we ask is that the Town stop pointing fingers as if we were to blame, and afford us the same rights as everyone else in town. We pay our taxes, too, you know. We shouldn’t have to park a mile away for everything.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 80th Edition: Alien social club hogs satellite parking

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police arrested no less than 57 aliens for “suspicious activity” at the Waffle House on Friday.

Witnesses said their large numbers suggested the aliens were plotting something – on top of which, their spaceships were taking up all the parking spots in the satellite lot, leaving none for employees or rightful residents who may have needed to park there.

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Is this how alien jail feels? More like “Loser Every Time.” | Photo credit

Witnesses furthermore surmised that an illegal party must be taking place and that the large group of aliens were likely intoxicated after spending their Friday night at the Waffle House.

Police said that none of the aliens had been drinking, and there were no signs of a party inside the establishment – “Just gleaming golden squares of carbs, steaming under the heat lamps, some with melted chocolate shimmering on their edges, encrusted with rainbow sprinkles; others with ruby-red strawberry jam pooling in their crevices and clouds of whipped cream resting on top – uh, who were we arresting, again?”

Aliens on the scene told the Paroder that they were just chatting while returning to their vehicles after dining at the Waffle House. They said they had not raised their voices and were surprised to hear that witnesses and neighbors were upset.

They were even more surprised to find themselves handcuffed over it.

“They could have just asked us to keep it down,” said one alien, which had taken the form of a tall, red-haired man in a green vest. “We are trying to learn your ways and live among you as respectful neighbors. It is important for people to tell us when we are not achieving this so we can do better.”

Last to emerge from the Waffle House was Full-Time Jedi Devan Branch. Witnesses gasped audibly at the sight of this formerly upstanding young man, one-time Radiation State Park rookie ranger, an accomplished Gryphon Scout, and a renowned wandering minstrel, keeping such company.

Branch apologized for upsetting the neighbors and vouched for the handcuffed aliens, saying that they had been conducting a cultural education session as part of his new “JELAMENA-8/Earth Relations Initiative and Cultural Orientation” (or JERICO) Program.

Branch said the club had not realized its meeting had been loud enough to bother anybody.

“They could have just asked us to keep it down,” said Branch. “These folks are trying to learn our ways and live among us as respectful neighbors. It’s important for people to tell them when they’re not achieving that so they can do better.”

Police let Branch off with a warning and ordered him to register his social club properly with the Town before conducting further meetings.

After reviewing security footage that showed no noise violations or disruptive activity, police released the 57 aliens in custody on Monday with deepest apologies and a promise that, whenever the next meeting took place, waffles were on the department.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 49th Edition: For the love of God, we are begging you to pahk the cah

The Fauxhasset Police Department would like to remind residents that parking on sidewalks in the Village area isn’t classy.

What is this, a trailer park? You can’t just leave your vehicles wherever you want. Parking on sidewalks is a thing that lazy people do, and you’re not lazy, are you? And even if you were, you wouldn’t want your neighbors to know that, would you? No. So put your car in the parking lot where it belongs, or send it home with the valet.

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If you liked it then you shoulda put some bling on it. Wait, that’s not right… Photo Credit

Furthermore, with the solstice behind us, it is now officially summer, so don’t even think about sending your kids to the beach with the au pair if you haven’t bought her a parking pass. No pass, no car. If you liked it then you shoulda put a sticker on it.

As for the employees whose names we won’t name (but we know who you are), please leave public parking spaces open for the public. The satellite parking lot is at your complete disposal since we had Santa’s spaceship towed.

Please give your full and immediate attention to this matter, or the Capital Budget Committee will be forced to spend your tax dollars on a solution, and you won’t like it when they do.

This has been your official legal warning. Further offenses will result in remedial action.

Signed,

The Fauxhasset Police