Fauxhasset Paroder, 59th Edition: New iPhone is a Bad Apple

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s a dangerous new trend sweeping Fauxhasset. If you are one of the few not riding the bandwagon, we urge you to stay vigilant – or better yet, just stay home.

Residents have gone gaga over Apple’s latest smartphone, the $9,999 iPhone Ω, and it’s costing them a lot more than cash – it’s costing lives, limbs, and in some cases, souls.

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Apple’s patented “Infinite Screen” – an early concept. Photo credit

The Ω model is the first smartphone to do away with old-fashioned biometrics in favor of a soul wavelength reader, replacing stale facial recognition technology with deep recognition on a spiritual level. Apple CEO Kim “Fool-of-a” Took claims it’s the most secure form of identity verification ever created and cannot possibly be hacked.

Like previous iPhone models, the Ω has no headphone jack – audio streams directly to the user’s brain. Unlike previous models, it has no charge port, either. Users are instructed to place the phone in moonlight when the battery gets low or, in the absence of moonlight, on a chunk of Apple’s custom selenite ($69.99, available in satin spar, desert rose, and gypsum flower) overnight.

The new device sports an unprecedented button-less, bezel-less display that is screen all the way around, 360 degrees, broken only by small recesses for the front and rear cameras – which are equipped with the latest capabilities in AR (alternate reality) technology. With this proprietary technology, users can simply point the camera at a real-world scene, and the image will be digitally overlaid with people, places and things from a time and space they never even imagined.

That, dear readers, is the part that is jeopardizing lives here in our ordinarily peaceful, if quirky, hamlet by the sea. People are so entranced that they are not even looking up from their phones while walking, driving, or changing the baby’s diaper (which we can’t really blame them for).

Police said there have been three times the normal number of car accidents since the device was released on Tuesday, including 12 that involved pedestrians simply wandering into traffic, convinced by their iPhone that they were somewhere else entirely.

When asked about the incidents, the victims gave explanations such as, “My GPS told me to do it,” “There was a Zapdos over there,” and “I saw my dead grandfather beckoning me to help in the garden.”

So far there have only been three fatalities. Police said the other accident victims were transported to the local hospital with minor to severe injuries, but all are expected to live. Police also said that anyone caught looking at their phone while driving would be arrested immediately.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 47th Edition: Drivers of Change

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s finally summer, and with that comes the return of everyone’s favorite traffic vigilantes, the Clandestine Auto Regulators (CAR for short). The members of CAR have taken it upon themselves to educate out-of-town drivers during the summer season.

“Open season on the beach means open season on the roads,” says the profile on CAR’s Facebook Page, which has 23 Likes. “Drive softly and buy the big tires.”

The group has kicked off the season by chalking Atlantis Boulevard from where it splits off from Sand Street all the way to where it becomes the Mecca Mile.

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Rejected idea from the Clandestine Auto Regulators’ chalk campaign brainstorming session (“But if they think the road crumbled away, they won’t drive on it!”). Photo credit 

“Stop and smell the flowers,” says one of the many warnings scrawled across the pavement, followed by a long string of painstakingly detailed chalk flowers.

“Drive like your kids live here,” said several more, surrounded by hearts.

Other safety-oriented messages said, “Slow down! You’re on vacation,” “This isn’t the Indy 500,” and “You can stop trying to prove yourself; everyone here drives a faster car than you anyway.”

Police weren’t upset about the messages.

“They didn’t damage anything,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “This time.”

CAR’s last campaign in January was a different story. Members affixed their recycled Women’s March for America posters to speed limit signs on 3A, covering up the legal limit of 50 miles per hour with hand-made 35 mile per hour signs – the limit they believe should be posted.

And by “affixed,” we mean with duct tape, rubber cement, 3M Command strips, and the stickiest of all, those little adhesive squares that come in scrapbooking kits. Police spent hours out in the snow removing the sticky residue from the signs.

“We agree with their message,” Quill said. “As long as they don’t damage any property, and as long as they’re safe about drawing on the street, we won’t stop them. It’ll all wash off in the rain.”

The chalk may not stick, but hopefully the message will, or we’ll be seeing a lot more from CAR this summer, and it’ll only get messier from here.