Fauxhasset Paroder, 62nd Edition: The Land Before (and After) Timeraptor

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It seems another time warp has rolled through Fauxhasset, this time costing residents nearly a month in lost and unremembered time. Residents fell asleep the evening of Sept. 28 and awoke to find that all the clocks and calendars had skipped ahead to Oct. 17.


The elusive timeraptor, believed to be a product of the common velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor. Photo credit

Some things in town jumped ahead with the date. For instance, the fall foliage is in its full splendor (although residents are reminded that taking scenic landscape photos is against the law in Fauxhasset – take that classless pseudo-art to Proxituate!).

Other things seem not to have changed at all. Funningham Bridge, for example, is still in complete shambles and closed to traffic – although it’s hard to say whether the time warp skipped that part of town, or whether construction progress is simply that inefficient. Both seem equally possible.

Town Manager Mown Tanager said that officials are “taking steps to ensure that this sort of thing doesn’t keep happening,” calling the frequent and lengthening time losses “troubling and unacceptable on the Town’s part. We can do better; we have to do better.”

Paranormal investigator Buster DeGost is conducting an investigation in conjunction with the Regional Animal Whisperer (RAW). (The Local Animal Whisperer, or LAW, was carried away by Fauxsutawney Fil’s congregation in the Womp in August and has yet to be found.)

The investigators believe that the time lapses are attributable to a timeraptor passing through town. Timeraptors are one of the three biological sexes of raptor, the others being the traditional velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor. Though little scientific knowledge is available about the species, scientists believe that the timeraptor eats time as part of its diet.

A timeraptor was documented passing through town in the spring, when its presence caused the Semiannual Spring Séance to wrap up in an uncannily reasonable three and a half hours. DeGost and the RAW believe that the creature may have simply been passing back through on its migrational route.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” said GREG, the town’s Green and Renewable Energy Group. “It’s fall. Time is supposed to fall back, not spring forward.”

GREG says it is much more likely that the fabric of time itself is eroding due to mankind’s disregard for its value and constant squandering of its resources. To conserve time, GREG urges residents to practice mindfulness meditation and focus on the present moment before it slips away.


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Fauxhasset Paroder, 58th Edition: Troubled Bridge over Waters

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Fauxhasset very nearly made it through beach season without significant destructive action by CAR, the Clandestine Auto Regulators determined to make local motorists drive more slowly and carefully.

To be sure, the indestructible porcupines CAR let loose on Fivest Ave. were a pain (especially to the tires they punctured), but even this act did not cause any lasting damage. No drivers were harmed, and the ruined tires were replaced by the Town. The indestructible porcupines disappeared down the Accursed Burrow in pursuit of Fauxsutawney Fil some weeks ago, and neither has been seen or heard from since.


What do you mean “shambles?” This is how it always looks. It’s perfectly safe. Photo Credit

But with the last of the nice weather came one final dramatic act by the shadowy traffic vigilante group, and this time they’ve left Funningham Bridge in shambles. Overnight, they demolished half the bridge, leaving just one lane open for travel.

Police have temporarily closed the entire bridge due to concerns over potential structural damage that was not immediately evident. All they’ve found so far, however, are chalk scribblings on the underside of the bridge indicating that “CAR was here” and the number “35” scrawled thousands of times across the substructure.

Meanwhile, residents of the beachside part of town are rioting in what remains of the street. What if there’s an emergency, they’re demanding, and an ambulance needs to get through? How will the school bus pick up their children? How will UPS deliver the smart EMF detector they ordered from Serengeti?

Town Manager Mown Tanager remained calm.

“The situation was under control before it even happened,” said Tanager. “This was supposed to be a surprise on the first day of school, but the district has replaced all the buses with environmentally-friendly, electric-powered spaceships. The electric space vehicles can be used by any department in town, including the Fire Department, so there’s no need to worry about them reaching you in case of an emergency.”

Apparently, Tanager explained, Alien Santa had been building the spaceships in his yard on Fame Island – a hobby the neighbors were quick to frown upon, as the custom ships were starting to accrue on the property and become an eyesore.

This summer, at the urging of Santa’s neighbors and GREG (the Green and Renewable Energy Group), the Town acquired the spaceship fleet for use by the schools and other Town departments, so getting over the bridge for school and emergencies definitely won’t be a problem, Tanager said.

Now, if residents wanted to get out to go to the grocery store, that would be a different story, but since everyone in town just gets their organic food and Reverb tech from the Serengeti Farmers’ Market, he doubts the temporary bridge closure will be an issue, since Serengeti offers one-hour drone delivery for members of its Superlative loyalty program.

Police are saying the bridge should reopen for alternating one-way traffic by the beginning of next week.

Community Classifieds

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 35th Edition: Street’s appetite sated?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously, on Achey Cedars Way]

After months camped out on Achey Cedars Way, paranormal investigator Buster DeGost has declared the pothole threat “expired.”


The road that ate a child, a Mini Cooper, and a UPS truck in December seems to have lost its appetite, experts say. Photo credit

“This sort of dimensional rift typically operates at a one-to-one ratio,” DeGost explained. “If something falls in from this dimension, something else from the other dimension will come through to replace it.”

Several months ago, Fauxhasset lost a Mini Cooper, a UPS delivery truck, and a child – Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome – to a large, hungry pothole on Achey Cedars. Meanwhile, it gained a spaceship and a person (the Alien ϨΔиϮα).

DeGost has been waiting since December for a third item to come through, but the pothole seems to have gone dormant, leading DeGost to conclude that, whatever the item might be, it had already appeared before he started keeping watch.

DeGost said that the item is most likely harmless to our dimension and he isn’t worried about finding it. Residents of the cul de sac should feel “100 percent confident” returning to their homes (the Mad Elephant Hotel has been hosting Achey Cedars residents free of charge since December).

“I don’t trust anyone who tells me how confident I should be, especially if that number is 100 percent,” said one resident, lounging near the hotel pool and swirling a glass of red wine.

“Don’t tell my dad,” said another – one of the eight remaining Lembas children – as he tested blue and fuchsia dance lights in the ballroom. “This place is lit. Ever since the cops busted up that rager on Whelming Street, the coyotes have been having their parties here instead. Those guys are animals.”

Shorty’s only sister, Dooey, said she couldn’t wait to get back home.

“I’m really glad Buster’s been keeping an eye on the pothole and I’m sure he’s doing a great job,” said Dooey, “but I should have been doing that. It’s my fault Shorty fell in there. I know Buster thinks the portal’s closed, but I’m not giving up.”

Contractors were previously unable to patch the pothole, as it seemed to have a bottomless appetite for asphalt, but it has now been filled and leveled, and several residents moved back in over the weekend.