Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: O.K.O.K. Not O.K.

Hey Fauxhasset, can we have a serious chat for just a second? Since the O.K.O.K. Café closed, there have been a lot of so-so eateries in and out of that location. Some of us were even content with every one of them (I’m looking at you Chompsky), but really? A Waffle House?

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Darth Vader is serving up his own son’s hand on a platter, and you want me to believe this place isn’t a den of evil sickos? | Photo credit

I don’t care if it’s some kind of interdimensional Waffle House wishing well. Just because a cat has kittens in the oven doesn’t make them biscuits; a Waffle House is still a Waffle House, and that makes it a gateway to more than just waffles – it’s a gateway to drugs and crime.

This Waffle House in particular is a gateway to extraterrestrial drugs, interdimensional crime, and literally who knows where?! In February we all read the story of the aliens being arrested at the Waffle House. I wasn’t surprised – and can any of you honestly say that you were?

While I know there have been fewer and fewer stories in the police blotter, there is a simple explanation for this lack of coverage. The Paroder’s crime correspondent Sobby Raint-John went to investigate the Waffle House with Crompson and she never came back, so of course we are seeing fewer crime stories.

Honestly though, I just thought we as a community were better than this, and that’s what I find the most disappointing. I think it’s time we faced the truth: Only the O.K.O.K. Café was O.K. enough.

Poe Phoe

 

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 75th Edition: Waffle House Waffles On Identity

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s a new restaurant in town. Or maybe there are several new restaurants. Our sources aren’t really sure. Honestly though, it’s probably just another real estate office masquerading as several new restaurants.

What we do know is that the Redfin Eatery closed its doors this week. The sign out front was immediately replaced with a new one that says, “Waffle House” – yes, with the “Waffle” crossed out. So does that mean it’s just a regular house? If so, who is living there?

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Why settle for a Waffle House when you could have a Waffle Palace? Photo Credit

We at the Paroder knew our readers would be concerned about the fate of this property, so we spoke with several residents to get their thoughts on the new whatever-it-is. However, sources were unable to agree on what they had experienced upon walking through the former Redfin’s doors this week.

Some told us it was, indeed, a Waffle House. Others insisted they had been to McDonald’s or Chick-Fil-A. We heard about dinners at Cracker Barrel, Longhorn Steakhouse, Chili’s, and Buffalo Wild Wings.

A group of millennials told us they’d spent most of Sunday playing board games at Fauxhasset’s new brewpub, while Patriots fans said that was impossible since they had been at the sports bar most of Sunday, watching the football game on 50 high-definition TVs that took up the entire room, leaving no room for nerdy gamers.

A few residents said they had simply stopped by to take some cash out of the ATM, while one claimed to have taken out a mortgage at the new “restaurant.” And a pair of housewives showed us the manicures they’d gotten there while sipping glasses of the finest red wine – produced on site using grapes that the establishment was reportedly growing in a solar farm on the roof.

At last, fed up with the conflicting stories, reporter Thamanda Crompson and crime correspondent Sobby Raint-John went to investigate. What we actually discovered inside was again different from any of the other stories we’d heard: we were greeted with dings, blings and bloops as we entered the largest arcade either of us had ever seen.

We played video games for maybe an hour. Or maybe four hours. Or maybe a few days. It’s all kind of hazy at this point, readers. We’ll have to investigate further. With more quarters. Hopefully the Waffle House will be a bank the next time we go.

Long-time residents will fondly remember the days when this establishment used to be the O.K.O.K. Café, serving up consistently O.K. food from the dawn of time through 1999.

Since then, no eatery has lasted more than a year or two at that location. There was the House of Spartacus, The Giraffe’s Neck, Avocado’s, Lemoncini’s, the Round Ground Planetary Grille, and the Whitewater Pub, just to name a few.

Some say the property is cursed. Others attribute the failures to the difficulty of getting in and out of the parking lot. Not everyone, they say, has a car that can make that 12-foot jump across the man-eating lobster moat, and even those with the right car may lack the necessary cajones to take the risk.

Will the same fate befall the Waffle House, or does this chameleon establishment have what it takes to satisfy the myriad tastes and interests of Fauxhasset’s diverse (yet still mostly-human) population? Stay tuned…

Fauxhasset Paroder, 37th Edition: Sea level at its lowest since 1702

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s been four weeks since the dredging team opened up a black hole in the harbor, and the shallows have completely drained following a 10-foot drop in sea level.

United Kingdom, Channel Islands, Jersey, Gorey Marina At Low Tide.

Just out of frame, Johnny Depp is demanding, “But why is the water gone?” Photo credit

While the anomaly should have no further impact on global sea levels, the constant suck of the black hole has created a perpetual space-time tornado above the site, posing a serious threat to nearby residents and businesses.

“Threat?” shouted one abutter over the roar of the wind. “This tornado is the best thing that’s ever happened to the harbor. The constant partying over at the Mad Elephant Hotel was driving us crazy, but I can’t hear it at all anymore. I’m getting the best sleep I’ve had since moving to Fauxhasset!”

“Threat?” said another neighbor in a 40-inch rant on the community Facebook page. “The greatest threat to the harbor was Ord Girdlehyde buying up all the businesses last summer. That guy is a human tornado. No act of nature, either natural or supernatural, could possibly damage the harbor business district more than he has. By comparison, this actual, literal tornado can hardly be called a threat.”

“Threat?” said hotel owner Ord Girdlehyde by phone from his winter home on the African savannah. “We are not worried about it. My staff will ensure that no harm comes to any of our guests – human, coyote, or otherwise. Our transient as well as our permanent residents can rest assured. Management is keeping a very close eye on the situation.”

Management had, in fact, served its resignation notice the day the black hole opened, and the manager in question just finished working his final shift. He was last seen throwing down a dish towel, declaring the whole town insane, and peeling out of the satellite parking lot, which (contrary to popular opinion) is reserved for employees and not for visiting spacecraft.

Town officials are just trying to make the best of the situation. In light of the curse laid upon Fauxhasset last week, damning the community to endless winter until one and all repent to Our Groundhog Lord and Savior RALPH, this tornado is the least of everyone’s worries.

The Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is working to harness the wind to generate electricity for the community.

“It seems inevitable that this never-ending blizzard will eventually take out all our power wires,” said GREG, “and National Grid has already refused to make any more repairs until we get the snow situation under control. Said it’s like dumping money into a black hole.”

“Of course, it’s completely different, and we invited them to come throw some cash into our black hole for comparison – ‘For science,’ we told them. But they just hung up on us.”

If you are without power, use the hashtag #Charybdisgate on social media or send a carrier squirrel to the Panic Brigade. They will happily help you dig out, spoon for warmth, or forage for food just as soon as they stop hyperventilating in the corner.

“This is what I love about Fauxhasset,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “They’re troopers, always ready to make the most of a bad situation.”