Fauxhasset Paroder, 37th Edition: Sea level at its lowest since 1702

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s been four weeks since the dredging team opened up a black hole in the harbor, and the shallows have completely drained following a 10-foot drop in sea level.

United Kingdom, Channel Islands, Jersey, Gorey Marina At Low Tide.

Just out of frame, Johnny Depp is demanding, “But why is the water gone?” Photo credit

While the anomaly should have no further impact on global sea levels, the constant suck of the black hole has created a perpetual space-time tornado above the site, posing a serious threat to nearby residents and businesses.

“Threat?” shouted one abutter over the roar of the wind. “This tornado is the best thing that’s ever happened to the harbor. The constant partying over at the Mad Elephant Hotel was driving us crazy, but I can’t hear it at all anymore. I’m getting the best sleep I’ve had since moving to Fauxhasset!”

“Threat?” said another neighbor in a 40-inch rant on the community Facebook page. “The greatest threat to the harbor was Ord Girdlehyde buying up all the businesses last summer. That guy is a human tornado. No act of nature, either natural or supernatural, could possibly damage the harbor business district more than he has. By comparison, this actual, literal tornado can hardly be called a threat.”

“Threat?” said hotel owner Ord Girdlehyde by phone from his winter home on the African savannah. “We are not worried about it. My staff will ensure that no harm comes to any of our guests – human, coyote, or otherwise. Our transient as well as our permanent residents can rest assured. Management is keeping a very close eye on the situation.”

Management had, in fact, served its resignation notice the day the black hole opened, and the manager in question just finished working his final shift. He was last seen throwing down a dish towel, declaring the whole town insane, and peeling out of the satellite parking lot, which (contrary to popular opinion) is reserved for employees and not for visiting spacecraft.

Town officials are just trying to make the best of the situation. In light of the curse laid upon Fauxhasset last week, damning the community to endless winter until one and all repent to Our Groundhog Lord and Savior RALPH, this tornado is the least of everyone’s worries.

The Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is working to harness the wind to generate electricity for the community.

“It seems inevitable that this never-ending blizzard will eventually take out all our power wires,” said GREG, “and National Grid has already refused to make any more repairs until we get the snow situation under control. Said it’s like dumping money into a black hole.”

“Of course, it’s completely different, and we invited them to come throw some cash into our black hole for comparison – ‘For science,’ we told them. But they just hung up on us.”

If you are without power, use the hashtag #Charybdisgate on social media or send a carrier squirrel to the Panic Brigade. They will happily help you dig out, spoon for warmth, or forage for food just as soon as they stop hyperventilating in the corner.

“This is what I love about Fauxhasset,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “They’re troopers, always ready to make the most of a bad situation.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 31st Edition: #Charybdisgate

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

BREAKING: Dredging contractors have inadvertently opened up a black hole in the harbor.

“The job was complete by the Jan. 31 deadline,” said Harbormaster Laurel Hook. “They just liked dredging and kept going. They weren’t charging any extra, so we let them.”

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Get your glowing sushi at Ye Olde Pepper Mill for $500 a roll ($800 for the rarer, red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety). Photo credit

A massive whirlpool has now formed and the black hole is sucking down seawater at about 10,000 gallons per minute. Abutters are calling it #Charybdisgate and fleeing to higher ground. But officials aren’t overly concerned, as long as the moorings hold.

“If you think about it, this really is a good thing,” Town Manager Mown Tanager shouted over the whirlpool’s roar. “Sea level has been on the rise for decades. Draining a substantial portion of the ocean will protect our delicate coastal community for years to come.”

“Of course,” shouted Tanager, “it’ll be another story if we start losing yachts.”

Meanwhile, harbor restaurants Pacifica and Ye Olde Pepper Mill are making the most of the snafu, offering dinner specials with an up-close view of the chaos. The rush of water has carried with it an influx of unusual seafood options, including a large quantity of deep-sea lantern fish. Luminescent sushi is going for $500 a roll, and the red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety for $800 a roll.

“Yes, it is expensive,” owner Ord Girdlehyde said by phone from his winter home in the African savannah. “But it is a very unique experience. Where else can you get such an up-close and intimate view of raw chaos and entropy? You are watching the world end in a much more dramatic fashion than usual. For that, I think the price is very reasonable.”

Guests on a budget are invited to partake in the “Champagne and Charybdis” special for just $250, said Girdlehyde.

The contractors could not be reached for comment, having been swallowed by the whirlpool.

 

Fauxhasset Paroder, 29th Edition: New restaurant food for thought

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A new restaurant opened in Fauxhasset Village this holiday weekend.

The Harpy’s Hearth promised “varmth, victuals, and a view” to Presidents Day weekend diners, with a menu full of authentic yet affordable Russian fare and a window overlooking the village streets. Uh, street. Just the one. It’s really just Main Street and a couple of glorified alleys around here.

Harpy’s Hearth opened Friday evening in the former location of Sotheby’s (above the Coldwell Banker on the glorified alley Wagon Wheel Way).

Legend has it that this address was once home to the popular restaurant Ozone, but like the rest of the village storefronts, it was converted into a real estate office in the early aughts.

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Yes, but the row of real estate offices creates perfect rhythm and symmetry in the village. Photo credit

“I know this is an unpopular belief,” said Harpy’s Hearth owner Don Donovan, “but I think that, if we want more residents, the way to get them isn’t by adding more real estate offices; it’s by adding more stuff like this. The way to a person’s heart is through their stomach.”

“It seems to be working well for Reykjavik Recollections,” Donovan added. The popular Icelandic bakery just celebrated 25 years in business, making it the last holdout from the pre-real-estate-office era.

Officials have their doubts.

“We’re taking a risk here,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “If you want to sell real estate, you need real estate offices; people can’t just show up on the property they want with a suitcase full of cash.”

“Don’s a great guy – we all love him and want him to succeed,” Tanager added. “We just think he may have bitten off more than he can chew with this venture. His eyes are bigger than his stomach.”

Still, Tanager and the Assembly of Chosen were willing to give it a shot, provided the restaurant reserved space behind the bar for Sotheby’s agents who wished to conduct business there. The space will continue to operate as a full-service real estate office during daytime business hours, with the added bonus of a full bar to help lubricate those wallets.

“This arrangement really gives us the best of both worlds,” said Tanager. “We’re hopeful.”