By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
There’s a new restaurant in town. Or maybe there are several new restaurants. Our sources aren’t really sure. Honestly though, it’s probably just another real estate office masquerading as several new restaurants.
What we do know is that the Redfin Eatery closed its doors this week. The sign out front was immediately replaced with a new one that says, “Waffle House” – yes, with the “Waffle” crossed out. So does that mean it’s just a regular house? If so, who is living there?
We at the Paroder knew our readers would be concerned about the fate of this property, so we spoke with several residents to get their thoughts on the new whatever-it-is. However, sources were unable to agree on what they had experienced upon walking through the former Redfin’s doors this week.
Some told us it was, indeed, a Waffle House. Others insisted they had been to McDonald’s or Chick-Fil-A. We heard about dinners at Cracker Barrel, Longhorn Steakhouse, Chili’s, and Buffalo Wild Wings.
A group of millennials told us they’d spent most of Sunday playing board games at Fauxhasset’s new brewpub, while Patriots fans said that was impossible since they had been at the sports bar most of Sunday, watching the football game on 50 high-definition TVs that took up the entire room, leaving no room for nerdy gamers.
A few residents said they had simply stopped by to take some cash out of the ATM, while one claimed to have taken out a mortgage at the new “restaurant.” And a pair of housewives showed us the manicures they’d gotten there while sipping glasses of the finest red wine – produced on site using grapes that the establishment was reportedly growing in a solar farm on the roof.
At last, fed up with the conflicting stories, reporter Thamanda Crompson and crime correspondent Sobby Raint-John went to investigate. What we actually discovered inside was again different from any of the other stories we’d heard: we were greeted with dings, blings and bloops as we entered the largest arcade either of us had ever seen.
We played video games for maybe an hour. Or maybe four hours. Or maybe a few days. It’s all kind of hazy at this point, readers. We’ll have to investigate further. With more quarters. Hopefully the Waffle House will be a bank the next time we go.
Long-time residents will fondly remember the days when this establishment used to be the O.K.O.K. Café, serving up consistently O.K. food from the dawn of time through 1999.
Since then, no eatery has lasted more than a year or two at that location. There was the House of Spartacus, The Giraffe’s Neck, Avocado’s, Lemoncini’s, the Round Ground Planetary Grille, and the Whitewater Pub, just to name a few.
Some say the property is cursed. Others attribute the failures to the difficulty of getting in and out of the parking lot. Not everyone, they say, has a car that can make that 12-foot jump across the man-eating lobster moat, and even those with the right car may lack the necessary cajones to take the risk.
Will the same fate befall the Waffle House, or does this chameleon establishment have what it takes to satisfy the myriad tastes and interests of Fauxhasset’s diverse (yet still mostly-human) population? Stay tuned…