Fauxhasset Paroder, 46th Edition: Say hi to your mom

The Futuristical Society has announced their capital campaign to purchase the historic Peachhood Congregational Church, which shuttered when Christianity went out of business in the latter 1990s.

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Travel back in time to witness your own birth! This and other great prizes will be up for auction at the Futuristical Society’s June 9 fundraiser. Photo credit

The society plans to convert the fellowship hall and sanctuary into computer workstations and the bell tower into a space observatory with a high-power telescope. Beneath the steeple, there will be room for future construction of a space shuttle.

“This church has always been ahead of its time,” said Futuristical Society Director Zed Harbinger. “It was founded, funded, constructed, and entirely run by women in a time when women in church leadership was unheard-of. We believe the next step for this visionary venue should be just as bold.”

“But we don’t want to offend anyone who still thinks religion is the answer,” Harbinger added. “And we know people care a lot about this church. Maybe they grew up in it or got married there. That’s why we’re keeping this place’s eyes on the heavens by retrofitting it as a space observatory.”

Harbinger said that the former church will still conduct wedding ceremonies if any scientifically-minded couples wish to tie the knot in the shadow of the shuttle.

The society’s first fundraiser will be a silent auction on June 9. Up for grabs will be a starter telescope, an exotic week-long cruise stopping at various points throughout the asteroid belt, a star named after you, the future space center named after you, and a trip back in time to witness your own birth.

For more information, simply close your eyes and wish; the Futuristical Society can read your mind.

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Lame Jane condos

Dear Editor,

Normally I would not take the time to write to your paper, as I am busy man. However, your last issue had me absolutely floored. Imagine my surprise when I opened the paper to see your mysterious eight pointed symbol, only to find that the paper did not even know the nature of this iconography. As a religious teacher at the Flaxen-Mary Abbey and longtime self-taught religious scholar, I felt it was my duty to inform your readers to its true purpose and the possible danger that awaits Fauxhasset.

There is no doubt in my mind that the symbol is one from the Egyptian religious mythos. Specifically, it can only be the “Star of Ishtar.”  I am sure my equally educated peers will agree, but for your readers, I will give a small backstory of the Goddess Ishtar.

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Ishtar is one of the lesser known false deities worshipped in the Egyptian tradition. Photo credit

Some scholars believe Ishtar was more than an Egyptian goddess. She possibly could have been a regional deity of both Northern Africa and the Middle East. 

Any encyclopedia will mention that Ishtar was a goddess of many things: of power, war,  love (both in the traditional sense and the pleasures of the flesh), and of course fertility. Most importantly, she is linked to tales of the underworld. 

The Star of Ishtar, her symbol, is well-known to be an eight-pointed star, as people of the time were fascinated by the simple geometric shape of the octagon. But these eight points have yet another meaning more relevant to Lame Jane’s curious housing woes.

It is believed in Egyptian Mythology that eight gates separate the world of the living from the world of the dead. Now, normally, this is the god Osiris’ domain. In several myths however, Ishtar is noted to have control over these gates. It is one such myth, in which she opens the gates and threatens to unleash the dead upon the living, that I find the most troubling.

Putting aside the fact that Heaven and Hell are the only true afterlives, I believe someone is trying to use the Star to summon forth an army of the dead.

As a religious scholar, I can speak with confidence about the afterlife from the perspective of several religions. One commonly accepted theory is that the afterlife is a large plane of existence (how else would it contain all the souls of everyone who has died since the creation of the world?). This would fully explain why the houses at Lame Jane seem bigger on the inside: They truly are, for the Star has linked the mortal plane with that of the afterlife. 

At this point, I fear I have wasted far too much time writing this. If the Paroder asks me to write a fuller account of the possible dangers to your town, perhaps I will. I can only encourage you all to stay vigilant and, of course, pray.

Father Mumblehill, Flaxen-Mary Abbey, Kingham