The Fauxhasset Police Department would like to remind residents that parking on sidewalks in the Village area isn’t classy.
What is this, a trailer park? You can’t just leave your vehicles wherever you want. Parking on sidewalks is a thing that lazy people do, and you’re not lazy, are you? And even if you were, you wouldn’t want your neighbors to know that, would you? No. So put your car in the parking lot where it belongs, or send it home with the valet.
Furthermore, with the solstice behind us, it is now officially summer, so don’t even think about sending your kids to the beach with the au pair if you haven’t bought her a parking pass. No pass, no car. If you liked it then you shoulda put a sticker on it.
As for the employees whose names we won’t name (but we know who you are), please leave public parking spaces open for the public. The satellite parking lot is at your complete disposal since we had Santa’s spaceship towed.
Please give your full and immediate attention to this matter, or the Capital Budget Committee will be forced to spend your tax dollars on a solution, and you won’t like it when they do.
This has been your official legal warning. Further offenses will result in remedial action.
The Fauxhasset Police