Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Demons? Aliens? No, just teenagers.

Dear Editor,

As strange symbols continue to proliferate across town, the Fauxhasset Paroder has been treating these incidents like a particularly mystifying chapter of The Hardy Boys. This must stop. You are only encouraging them.

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So threatening! Poor Mr. Henry shouldn’t have to clean up this mess. Photo credit

Since 1952, my husband and I— well, truth be told, my husband is no longer with us, so it is just “I” now, but regardless… for all those intervening years, I have lived across from what is now the Lame Jane development, and I can assure you that the “otherworldly diagram” painted in the basement was the work of hooligans and juvenile delinquents.

Before Mr. Henry purchased the property, my husband (who served in the Great War as well as the Fauxston Police Department – he had very keen blue eyes, broad shoulders, a good, sturdy handshake, and a nose for when something wasn’t right, which is how he came to bring this matter to my attention) – he and I used to see teenagers trespassing in the condemned house on that lot at least once a month. I guarantee that the images in Mr. Henry’s basement and in the cave on Mr. Donne’s island were created by the same.

The troubled youths used to spend hours in the crumbling house, probably drinking cheap vodka and smoking that Mary Jane when they should have been home helping their mothers with the dishes. To create such upsetting and occult imagery on someone else’s property certainly must have required the influence of very serious substances – perhaps even, as my husband (a God-fearing man) used to say, “Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll.”

We had reason to believe these hoodlums were engaged in all three. They thought we couldn’t see them, lighting the way with only the pale blue glow of their cordless telephone screens, but we saw everything: the strange shadows, the flickering lights, the silhouettes of flailing limbs, all to the screeching and pounding of that electronic noise that kids these days are calling “music.”

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Should’ve been home studying. Photo credit

Now that their old hideaway’s gone, is it any wonder these reprobates sought out – and evidently found – other dark corners from whence to practice their heathenry? It hardly matters to them whether they trash Mr. Henry’s good name, or anyone else’s, in the process.

It’s not right, and something ought to be done about it. Mr. Henry is such a nice man who is trying to do great and noble things for our humble village district. Rather than blaming gods, demons, or aliens for this vandalism, I urge the Fauxhasset Police (and perhaps a few local parents, as well!) to look a little closer to home for the culprits and to furnish the emotional and psychological help that these children so clearly need, before it is too late.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 33rd Edition: Fame? More like INFAMY Island

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously at Fame Island]

Fauxhasset thought it couldn’t get any worse when Fame Island owner Zohn Donne proposed to build a theme park on the precious coastal habitat. And Donne thought it couldn’t get any worse when the town told him “no.” They were both wrong.

The Alien ϨΔиϮα has now purchased Fame Island, including the partially-constructed Fame Gallery of Fame. To what end, no one is certain, and perhaps no one can truly fathom the designs of this foreign mind. Alien ϨΔиϮα, however, says he just wants to build a house.

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Instead of a kale roller coaster, Fame Island will now become “home” to something far more troubling: an illegal alien. Photo credit

“Since my arrival on your Holy Day, I have been dwelling in my spacecraft, parked beneath the Hoarder Street Bridge,” said Alien ϨΔиϮα. “Beautiful spot, I say. But I am told that beneath a bridge is not the traditional place to make one’s home in this community.”

“Additionally, the police kept leaving me these attractive orange notes,” continued Alien ϨΔиϮα, “which I now know to be parking tickets. I had collected 38 of them before their true meaning and purpose were revealed to me by an amicable couple walking their dog nearby.”

Neighbors say they don’t want to look across the Harborception and see some shiny metal space-house sticking out above the trees.

“Not only is it ugly – it could blind someone if the sun reflects off it at the wrong angle!” said one neighbor. “And if you thought Zohn’s upcycled kale was a bad building material, imagine the impact a huge metal structure would have on stormwater runoff.”

Donne thought the neighbors were overreacting – “As usual,” he said.

“I’ve spoken with ϨΔиϮα and he doesn’t intend anything so grandiose,” said Donne. “If the neighbors would just speak to him and give him a chance, they’d know that. ϨΔиϮα is working with a skilled local architect to design a home big enough for himself and, maybe one day, a dog. It’s exactly what they were trying to get me to do with the property.”

Donne said he felt kind of bad about handing off the neighbor problem to the new guy in town.

“He won’t know what hit him,” said Donne. “But he was the only one who made an offer on the property, and my family and I needed to wash our hands of it.”

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore, and Harbor (GOSH), the committee that approves or denies projects that could impact the wetlands, is “cautiously optimistic” about ϨΔиϮα’s application.

“Like everyone in town, we’d love to see an end to the controversy over Fame Island,” the chairperson said in a statement.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 24th Edition: Displeasure Island

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

No man is an island, but this man owns one. Which isn’t so unusual around here. But Zohn Donne’s island isn’t in the Caribbean. No, Fauxhasset, his island is right in your back yards, and he wants to build a theme park on it.

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It will be almost as epic as the skydiving machine and ice palace at the divided lower elementary school. Photo credit

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) deliberated over the plans for eight hours Monday night before finally voting 4-3 against the project, citing environmental concerns.

“‘Not environmentally friendly?’” said Donne. “We’re planting mitigation flora on top of the carousel! The water slide protects the salt marsh by recycling storm water runoff! My roller coaster is built out of upcycled kale!

Officials, however, were displeased at Donne’s plans to remove some of the coastal ledge to create Space Mountain-esque tunnels. Modifying the ledge in any way, they said, is “out of the question.”

Donne purchased Fame Island practically for pennies. The 6.68 acre waterfront lot was sold to him in 2016 for just $1.2 million. Donne says it was always his plan to put an amusement park there, and that GOSH’s objections represent an unconstitutional taking.

In addition to rides, Donne had hoped to install an art museum honoring famous people. The “Fame Island Gallery of Fame” would feature wax figures, paintings, and other artistic representations of celebrities. The museum, Donne said, would support local artists by creating jobs and by donating a portion of its proceeds to the Arts Center.

But none of that can come about without approval from GOSH, and they’re not giving it. Neither, however, is Donne giving up.

“This isn’t the last they’ll see of me,” Donne said after the hearing. “There’s a conspiracy in this town. Last year, the Assembly of Chosen voted not to allow dancing at the Mad Elephant Hotel. The year before that, they outlawed parties with five or more teenage guests.”

“And now,” Donne continued, “they’re saying ‘no’ to an amusement park – one with less than zero environmental impact, that would benefit local artists and rake in commercial taxes that the town really needs. And they really think people will believe they don’t have an ulterior motive?”

“I’m suing,” Donne concluded. “And you can go ahead and print that. This is war.”

This article is a parody. Read the original stories in the Cohasset Mariner here and here, or follow the whole saga if you happen to have way too much time on your hands.