Fauxhasset Paroder, 84th Edition: Big-Time Raptor Rampage

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s Annual Town Séance season, and you know what that means: Public meetings are scheduled twice as often, are three times as well-attended, and last four times longer than normal.

So imagine the delight and relief felt by the Assembly of Chosen and their devotees when this week’s meeting wrapped up in less than five seconds. No sooner had everyone entered the room and taken their seats than they were all on their feet again, bidding each other good night.

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Town politics are really getting old. | Photo credit

Everyone, however, looked as tired as if they’d been sitting there for fifty years. In fact, several people present (including your reporter) developed wrinkles, and four members of the audience dropped dead, along with two of the Chosen.

The secretary lost all her teeth. An unidentified 60-year-old woman became pre-pubescent. The Paroder’s broadcast technician Miike “Jax” Jackson became an instant silver fox. Town Manager Mown Tanager went bald and needed to be aroused from a deep nap by She-Chosen Kaia Dennis.

And the Temple, readers – it was ruined. All around, the gold leaf was flaking off, chunks of stone were crumbling from pillars, ancient records were disintegrating at the slightest glance. Cobwebs dominated every corner except for the one near the restrooms, which was flooded. All that remained of the ever-burning torches were deep, charred pits with not a spark in sight.

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Jax? Is that you? | Photo credit

“I knew we shouldn’t have cheaped out on the new administrative wing,” said Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk in a slow, quavering tone that shook his jowls and produced a little dribble at the corner of his mouth. “I told you it wouldn’t last. Now get off my lawn.”

The new administrative wing was added only five years ago – though from the look of it now, it might as well have been five generations, or even centuries.

“They don’t make ‘em like they used to,” mourned He-Chosen Saul Preston.

The Chosen made no decision regarding when, how, and at what cost the Temple should be repaired. As Kirk noted, the topic had not been included on the meeting agenda distributed to the public, so it could not be discussed under the open meeting laws.

Instead, the Chosen and their devotees shuffled sadly out, leaving the media alone with the dead and some assorted cats.

The Silver Fox replayed the meeting footage again and again, looking for a clue as to what had happened. Finally, after slowing down the recording more than 500 percent, he was able to pinpoint the moment when everything changed – and at that moment, a roar – no, a cry for help: A disembodied voice demanding, “Where’s my son?”

Readers, there is only one possible explanation. We know that a timeraptor has been passing through town on his migrational route these last few years. We suspect that this timeraptor reproduced with a velociraptor to produce the spacial rift above Castle Girdlehausen in January. Now, it seems, the raptor’s parental units have come calling.

If we thought the concise, three-and-a-half-hour Semiannual Town Séance caused by the younger timeraptor was strange, we can only guess what bizzarities lie ahead with the arrival of an even more ancient and powerful creature: Father Timeraptor.

Folks, if you have elderly loved ones, no one would judge you for checking them in to the self-storage facility until this whole mess gets squared away.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 19th Edition: A Patriot for President

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

President-Elect Tom Brady has notified Fauxhasset Middle-High School students that he will not be accepting their offer of presidency. He has instead delegated the position to Patriots second-string quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo.

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President-Elect Jimmy Garoppolo and his bodyguard toured Fauxhasset Middle-High School on Tuesday. It was the first time anyone over the age of 20 had set foot in the school in 116 years. Photo: Shannon Blackstone via Snapchat

“I can’t decide if I should cry or not,” said sophomore Shannon Blackstone in a statement issued to her Snapchat followers on Friday. “We all really wanted Brady. But, you know, if it had to be someone else, well…  Jimmy is pretty cute, too. I’m just saying.”

Student Body President Zane Harris had his reservations.

“We don’t really know what we’re getting with Garoppolo,” said Harris. “We’ve only seen him on the field a handful of times, and he hasn’t gotten nearly the press coverage Brady has, so we don’t know how he thinks. But uh… the girls seem pretty happy about it, so I guess that’s a good thing.”

Brady sent his regrets in a handwritten letter, which in fact had been delivered several weeks ago, but none of the students had thought to check the snail-mailbox until Christmas packages were due to arrive.

The letter was penned on December 5, the day after Brady won his 201st career football game and surpassed quarterbacks Brett Favre and Peyton Manning to become the GOAT (greatest of all-time).

“I know what I’m good at, and that’s football,” wrote Brady. “Just because I can lead a team to victory doesn’t mean I can lead a nation-state.”

“Besides,” he went on, “Coach finally called me the GOAT; I can’t just walk away from that. I owe it to New England and the rest of the guys to put a Superbowl ring on every finger.”

“I have every confidence that Jimmy will make a great president for your nation-state,” Brady concluded. “He’s extremely teachable, but not afraid to make the tough decisions. Please send us a hard copy of your response, signed and dated, by the first of the year.”

The middle-high school held an emergency vote on Friday and students gave their unanimous support for the change in plans.

“The way I see it, we’re basically taking the VP and making him President,” said Harris. “Now we just have to figure out what a ‘hard copy’ is by January first.”

Fortunately, it seems the students were able to sort out the U.S. Postal Service in time. President-Elect Garoppolo visited the school this morning. He, like the U.S. President, will be sworn in on Jan. 20.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 6th Edition: Middle-High School secedes, elects Tom Brady president

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Fauxhasset Middle-High School Student Body President Zane Harris reported today that the results were in from last Tuesday’s mock election, and the student body had voted almost unanimously for Patriots quarterback Tom Brady to serve as President of the United States of America.

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Some FMHS students have been on the Brady campaign trail for months. Photo credit: Andrew Strack

Students were reportedly shocked and devastated that Brady did not win the election on the national stage.

“How could this happen?” demanded Shannon Blackstone, a sophomore, in an initial statement sent to her Snapchat followers.

“Everyone I know voted Brady,” a tearful Blackstone said in the video. “But now people are saying he wasn’t even on the ballot outside of FMHS. What the actual f—k? Our election shows that the American people want Brady. For the government to withhold that choice by keeping Brady off the ballot… It was undemocratic.”

Students have been in voluntary lockdown since Election Day, weeping and gnashing their teeth. No one has entered or exited the building in six days. Inside, the 713 teenagers have been subsisting off produce from the school’s organic garden.

At first, Snapchat stories revealed the depths of students’ disappointment and despair, amplified by large, sad deer eyes. But since Nov. 9, the entire school has been participating in a technology fast while students process the outcome of the election and consider their next move.

It has been social media silence from the teens of Fauxhasset for more than six days. Parents are reporting fewer headaches, more hours of sleep, and fuller gas tanks since the teen tech fast and lockdown began. One mother even claims that her gray hairs have started turning blonde again.

Now, a week later, Harris has emerged from the school to reveal the student body’s intention to secede from the United States and become its own nation-state under Tom Brady.

“In Brady we trust,” he said.

The student body voted to allow Harris and other elected representatives to break the tech fast in order to contact their President-Elect. Harris said they’ve been reaching out to Brady, the Patriots, and Head Coach Bill Belichick via Twitter since Saturday but have not yet received a response.

“We may have to take this to the next level,” said Harris. “We’re considering sending a delegate onto Mombook to make our voices heard. Nobody wants to be the one, but we believe it’s a sacrifice worth making to have Tom Brady as President of the Fauxhasset Middle-High School – or POTFMHS, as we’ve been calling him.”

When asked how becoming President of the FMHS nation-state might affect the Patriots performance in the playoffs, Harris said he wasn’t concerned.

“If Inauguration Day rolls around and Brady is looking at another Superbowl, we’re perfectly capable of governing ourselves for an extra week or two while he takes care of that,” said Harris. “With the teacher strike going on, we’ve pretty much been doing that already for almost 116 years.”

Alternatively, said Harris, “If Brady is ready to step up as president right away, I’m sure the Patriots can still secure a Superbowl win with Jimmy Garoppolo.”