Fauxhasset Paroder, 53rd Edition: When good guys go bad

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police believe they have a lead on the mysterious spate of pirate flags that appeared in the Harborception last month.

rookie ranger

He doesn’t even look a little bit sorry.

At first, the authorities tried to blame Two Men And Their Dog, because isn’t this just the sort of thing those troublemakers would do! But due to insubstantial evidence, police were unable to make an arrest.

Members of the community were quick to point fingers at other suspects. Blame was ascribed to the teenage students of the Fenclave, actual pirates, and an ancient Egyptian goddess bent on raising a zombie army (actually, only Father Mumblehill of the Flaxen-Mary Abbey believed that last one) before the culprit was finally caught.

When the Paroder arrived on the scene, police were very upset and confused by the arrest they had just made.

“We caught the bad guy. We’re sure it’s him. The only problem is, our bad guy is a good guy!” moaned Police Chief Stephen Quill.

The perpetrator was none other than Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi (and, apparently, Part-Time Pirate). Branch was found in neighboring Proxituate with an arsenal of Jolly Roger flags. He also has a pretty incriminating skull-and-crossbones tattoo on his right forearm.

Branch pleaded guilty. Police will work with the Assembly of Chosen to determine his fate. For now, Branch was relieved of his pirate flags and light saber. He was last seen shuffling along Route 3A in his Jedi robe, playing a broken guitar and singing forlornly.

Branch’s boss, Senior Ranger Roc Rubble, was seen nearby, sobbing as he drank from a flask. We were unable to confirm whether the drinking was due to disappointment in his protégé, or if he simply hasn’t stopped since finding a pig-bear in Radiation State Park (a.k.a. the Womp) last fall.

 

Fauxhasset Paroder, 51st Edition: This content has been flagged due to suspicious activity

By Sobby Raint-John
Fauxhasset Paroder Crime Correspondent

Denizens of the Harborception awoke confused and scared early Friday morning when dozens of miniature pirate flags were discovered on each of their private docks. Despite no damage being done to the docks or boats attached to said docks, police received no fewer than nine concerned calls.

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Even the paddle boats and rafts were vandalized. The nerve! Photo credit

Reportedly, Fauxhasset citizens are divided on just who is responsible for planting the Jolly Rogers. Mark Abnorman, home owner in the Harborception, instantly blamed the youth of the Fenclave.

“Are you kidding? Of course it was them,” said Abnorman. “Those teens have been causing trouble all over town. Likely some kinda raiding party since they sure as hell must be running out of food by now.”

When asked if anything had been taken from his property, Mr. Abnorman admitted that nothing was missing that he knew of.

Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo denied any wrongdoing by his teenage citizens. There is, he said, a perpetual growth organic garden in the school’s courtyard, which not only suffices to feed the Fenclave population but also (he reminds the people of Fauxhasset) served to keep the surrounding community fed during the Mile-Deep Snow of 2017.

Some residents blamed actual pirates, while others were sure that Father Mumblehill’s ancient Egyptians were at work.

Police, meanwhile, pursued other, more promising leads. This lead them to finally return Two Men and Their Dog’s cell phone, which had been taken into police custody late last year after the three were caught taking pictures of trees.

However, due to insufficient evidence, they were unable to press any charges at this stage. The jury is still out as to just who is responsible for the flags and what they could possibly mean.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 49th Edition: For the love of God, we are begging you to pahk the cah

The Fauxhasset Police Department would like to remind residents that parking on sidewalks in the Village area isn’t classy.

What is this, a trailer park? You can’t just leave your vehicles wherever you want. Parking on sidewalks is a thing that lazy people do, and you’re not lazy, are you? And even if you were, you wouldn’t want your neighbors to know that, would you? No. So put your car in the parking lot where it belongs, or send it home with the valet.

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If you liked it then you shoulda put some bling on it. Wait, that’s not right… Photo Credit

Furthermore, with the solstice behind us, it is now officially summer, so don’t even think about sending your kids to the beach with the au pair if you haven’t bought her a parking pass. No pass, no car. If you liked it then you shoulda put a sticker on it.

As for the employees whose names we won’t name (but we know who you are), please leave public parking spaces open for the public. The satellite parking lot is at your complete disposal since we had Santa’s spaceship towed.

Please give your full and immediate attention to this matter, or the Capital Budget Committee will be forced to spend your tax dollars on a solution, and you won’t like it when they do.

This has been your official legal warning. Further offenses will result in remedial action.

Signed,

The Fauxhasset Police