Fauxhasset Paroder, 63rd Edition: Clean Getaway

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There has been some very spooky activity in Fauxhasset Village of late – and no, we don’t mean the ominous Latin chanting emanating softly from all the trees. No, not the eyeballs in the streetlights, either. No, no, no – not that bloodstain outside of the Temple. That’s nothing. Don’t pay any attention to that.

We’re talking about the midnight rituals taking place at 8 Lame Jane’s, where a luxury condo development mysteriously burned to the ground last month.

As police suspect arson, the area is technically still a crime scene and therefore closed to the public, but neighbors have reported late-night activity on the property nonetheless. However, by the time police arrive, the small bobbing lights described by witnesses have always disappeared, leaving investigators with no leads.

Town Manager Mown Tanager visited the scene this morning and said it simply looked like the trespassers had been cleaning. Ash and debris had been cleared out of some of the yards and what remains of the units’ basements.

“If only every burglar could be this tidy!” commented Tanager. “They’re saving DPW a good deal of work – and the Town a good deal of money that would have been spent on that work. The taxpayers should be pleased.”

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Those burglars clearly know their manners… and their memes. Photo credit

The taxpayers are not pleased. Many have noted the blood-red symbols and diagrams painted on the now-bare earth – the very same that appeared in the basement of one of the condos, and later on Fame Island, and most recently on Achey Cedars Lane. Neighbors are convinced that satanic rituals are being carried out on the property.

“Just like when my husband was alive,” commented one elderly neighbor. “He used to see them doing it. Blinking lights and spooky sounds… the devil was in that old house all right. And if you think the property isn’t cursed, tell me why those condos burned to the ground last month!”

The cops think the lady doth protest too much and have brought her in for questioning.

Meanwhile, the Paroder received an email from 8 Lame Jane’s developer J.J. Henry, who shows no signs of returning to Fauxhasset anytime soon, but was kind enough to share some insider information with us – and, by extension, all of you, dear readers.

Henry purchased the Lame Jane’s property in 2012 when the previous owner sold it for “undisclosed reasons.” Before that, the site had belonged to the same individual since 1962 – an individual who still resides in Fauxhasset, who has had his hands on a wide range of other properties in town, including Fame Island. That individual, said Henry, is no other than Mr. Z. Donne.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 61st Edition: They Didn’t Kneed To Do That

Another September has come and gone, with the families of Fauxhasset settling comfortably into the rhythms of work, school, and fall sports.

First, the topic we all care about above all else: Football, Game Above All Games, played in remembrance of the Holy Flying Pig – that, as we all know, is why they call it “tossing the old pigskin around,” as partakers believe the football is made from the Pig’s body, broken for us.

Blessed be His Game. Photo Credit

With President Jimmy Garoppolo, former second-string quarterback for the New England Patriots, as head coach, the high school football team is looking like a real winner this year.

However, the rest of the division is questioning whether the Fenclave should be allowed to compete at all. Fans and foes alike have been aghast since several players were recently caught taking knees that didn’t belong to them.

Police caught it all on surveillance cameras at the local foot pantry. The players said they were protesting the injustice of some Americans having more knees than they required while others did not have enough. They said they planned to redistribute the knees to those in need.

NOT AVAILABLE FOR GREETINGS CARDS A line up for a knobbly knees competition

A sampling of the knees taken by the football team last week. Photo credit

Critics say these football players are able-bodied young men endowed with exactly the right number of knees; who are they to comment on what others have or deserve – and what kind of place is the sacred ground of the football field to make a statement like that? They should consider themselves blessed rather than making a debacle out of the Holy Game, which the rest of us just want to enjoy.

On top of that, say division leaders, a) the Fenclave seceded from the country last winter, which may disqualify it from participation in regional athletic competitions, and b) it really isn’t fair that they’ve got a professional quarterback for a coach.

Speaking of unfair, it’s looking like the soccer team will once again be dominated by the students of Pemborke, which has been the case throughout living memory, since all of Pemborke’s players are dogs.

No other town has ever really stood a chance, since dogs have four legs, run faster than humans, and can’t foul with their hands – plus, the umps never call them for carrying the ball in their mouth! Cute or not, there really needs to be a rule about that.

Ironically, the team that seems to be playing on the most level field this season is the Quidditch team, which is funny because they don’t even really need a field at all.

In other fall news, police have started a “Student Police Academy” in conjunction with the Fenclave’s School Resource Officer. The Fenclave’s government is just taking shape, and its citizens have voted to invite some outside guidance the help deal with matters of discipline.

Among other lessons, police are trying to inspire peace through the power of music with their new “RoboCop” DJ program. Ah, readers – the way they whoop and bloop those sirens, you just know some of these gentlemen were born to be DJs. We’re sad they missed their calling, but happy to have them here with us in Fauxhasset, keeping the streets lit in more ways than one.

Finally, as always, Mooncheddar Coffee is selling gallons upon gallons of its wildly popular butternut squash latté (#BSL) on a daily basis. Thankfully the butternut squash access pipeline installed in August 2016 has protected the Fauxhasset Mooncheddar store from #BSL droughts like it’s suffered in the past.

Still, the #BSL won’t be around for long before the pine-flavored Evergreen Mocha takes its place, so be sure to buy yours today – and recycle that cup, or suffer the wrath of GREG.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 59th Edition: New iPhone is a Bad Apple

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s a dangerous new trend sweeping Fauxhasset. If you are one of the few not riding the bandwagon, we urge you to stay vigilant – or better yet, just stay home.

Residents have gone gaga over Apple’s latest smartphone, the $9,999 iPhone Ω, and it’s costing them a lot more than cash – it’s costing lives, limbs, and in some cases, souls.

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Apple’s patented “Infinite Screen” – an early concept. Photo credit

The Ω model is the first smartphone to do away with old-fashioned biometrics in favor of a soul wavelength reader, replacing stale facial recognition technology with deep recognition on a spiritual level. Apple CEO Kim “Fool-of-a” Took claims it’s the most secure form of identity verification ever created and cannot possibly be hacked.

Like previous iPhone models, the Ω has no headphone jack – audio streams directly to the user’s brain. Unlike previous models, it has no charge port, either. Users are instructed to place the phone in moonlight when the battery gets low or, in the absence of moonlight, on a chunk of Apple’s custom selenite ($69.99, available in satin spar, desert rose, and gypsum flower) overnight.

The new device sports an unprecedented button-less, bezel-less display that is screen all the way around, 360 degrees, broken only by small recesses for the front and rear cameras – which are equipped with the latest capabilities in AR (alternate reality) technology. With this proprietary technology, users can simply point the camera at a real-world scene, and the image will be digitally overlaid with people, places and things from a time and space they never even imagined.

That, dear readers, is the part that is jeopardizing lives here in our ordinarily peaceful, if quirky, hamlet by the sea. People are so entranced that they are not even looking up from their phones while walking, driving, or changing the baby’s diaper (which we can’t really blame them for).

Police said there have been three times the normal number of car accidents since the device was released on Tuesday, including 12 that involved pedestrians simply wandering into traffic, convinced by their iPhone that they were somewhere else entirely.

When asked about the incidents, the victims gave explanations such as, “My GPS told me to do it,” “There was a Zapdos over there,” and “I saw my dead grandfather beckoning me to help in the garden.”

So far there have only been three fatalities. Police said the other accident victims were transported to the local hospital with minor to severe injuries, but all are expected to live. Police also said that anyone caught looking at their phone while driving would be arrested immediately.