Fauxhasset Paroder, 53rd Edition: When good guys go bad

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police believe they have a lead on the mysterious spate of pirate flags that appeared in the Harborception last month.

rookie ranger

He doesn’t even look a little bit sorry.

At first, the authorities tried to blame Two Men And Their Dog, because isn’t this just the sort of thing those troublemakers would do! But due to insubstantial evidence, police were unable to make an arrest.

Members of the community were quick to point fingers at other suspects. Blame was ascribed to the teenage students of the Fenclave, actual pirates, and an ancient Egyptian goddess bent on raising a zombie army (actually, only Father Mumblehill of the Flaxen-Mary Abbey believed that last one) before the culprit was finally caught.

When the Paroder arrived on the scene, police were very upset and confused by the arrest they had just made.

“We caught the bad guy. We’re sure it’s him. The only problem is, our bad guy is a good guy!” moaned Police Chief Stephen Quill.

The perpetrator was none other than Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi (and, apparently, Part-Time Pirate). Branch was found in neighboring Proxituate with an arsenal of Jolly Roger flags. He also has a pretty incriminating skull-and-crossbones tattoo on his right forearm.

Branch pleaded guilty. Police will work with the Assembly of Chosen to determine his fate. For now, Branch was relieved of his pirate flags and light saber. He was last seen shuffling along Route 3A in his Jedi robe, playing a broken guitar and singing forlornly.

Branch’s boss, Senior Ranger Roc Rubble, was seen nearby, sobbing as he drank from a flask. We were unable to confirm whether the drinking was due to disappointment in his protégé, or if he simply hasn’t stopped since finding a pig-bear in Radiation State Park (a.k.a. the Womp) last fall.

 

Fauxhasset Paroder, 51st Edition: This content has been flagged due to suspicious activity

By Sobby Raint-John
Fauxhasset Paroder Crime Correspondent

Denizens of the Harborception awoke confused and scared early Friday morning when dozens of miniature pirate flags were discovered on each of their private docks. Despite no damage being done to the docks or boats attached to said docks, police received no fewer than nine concerned calls.

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Even the paddle boats and rafts were vandalized. The nerve! Photo credit

Reportedly, Fauxhasset citizens are divided on just who is responsible for planting the Jolly Rogers. Mark Abnorman, home owner in the Harborception, instantly blamed the youth of the Fenclave.

“Are you kidding? Of course it was them,” said Abnorman. “Those teens have been causing trouble all over town. Likely some kinda raiding party since they sure as hell must be running out of food by now.”

When asked if anything had been taken from his property, Mr. Abnorman admitted that nothing was missing that he knew of.

Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo denied any wrongdoing by his teenage citizens. There is, he said, a perpetual growth organic garden in the school’s courtyard, which not only suffices to feed the Fenclave population but also (he reminds the people of Fauxhasset) served to keep the surrounding community fed during the Mile-Deep Snow of 2017.

Some residents blamed actual pirates, while others were sure that Father Mumblehill’s ancient Egyptians were at work.

Police, meanwhile, pursued other, more promising leads. This lead them to finally return Two Men and Their Dog’s cell phone, which had been taken into police custody late last year after the three were caught taking pictures of trees.

However, due to insufficient evidence, they were unable to press any charges at this stage. The jury is still out as to just who is responsible for the flags and what they could possibly mean.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 20th Edition: Three Kings, Not so Wise

By Sobby Raint-John
Fauxhasset Paroder Crime Correspondent 

The police responded to a call in the Shallows this morning, taking Two Men and Their Dog into custody. The trio, dressed in robes and glittery cardboard crowns, was accused of trespassing and attempted kidnapping of a couple’s newborn daughter.

According to a neighbor watching from their window, the trio left a basket of toys on the doorstep and was leaving the scene when the concerned parents, Kolly and Kelly Kobb, confronted them. The parents reportedly insisted that the men take back the toys. When the men would not, the conflict escalated and the neighbor called police.

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This “gold” plushie gifted to baby Epiphany Kobb was anything but heartwarming. Photo credit

“It was the craziest thing,” the neighbor told the Paroder. “The men just kept apologizing for being late and saying that the GPS was using too much data. The weird part is I don’t think the McIntires knew them at all.”

While evidence to the kidnapping charge is suspect, police are taking the matter with the utmost seriousness. The toys have been confiscated and are undergoing thorough inspection.

FPD detectives found handwritten labels tied neatly to the necks of three stuffed animals, reading “frankincense,” “myrrh,” and “gold.” 

Two Men and Their Dog, still dressed as three kings, have declined to comment to the Paroder at this time. Fortunately the McIntires can rest easy as a police detail has been assigned to watch over the house and their daughter, Epiphany.