Fauxhasset Paroder, 20th Edition: Three Kings, Not so Wise

By Sobby Raint-John
Fauxhasset Paroder Crime Correspondent 

The police responded to a call in the Shallows this morning, taking Two Men and Their Dog into custody. The trio, dressed in robes and glittery cardboard crowns, was accused of trespassing and attempted kidnapping of a couple’s newborn daughter.

According to a neighbor watching from their window, the trio left a basket of toys on the doorstep and was leaving the scene when the concerned parents, Kolly and Kelly Kobb, confronted them. The parents reportedly insisted that the men take back the toys. When the men would not, the conflict escalated and the neighbor called police.

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This “gold” plushie gifted to baby Epiphany Kobb was anything but heartwarming. Photo credit

“It was the craziest thing,” the neighbor told the Paroder. “The men just kept apologizing for being late and saying that the GPS was using too much data. The weird part is I don’t think the McIntires knew them at all.”

While evidence to the kidnapping charge is suspect, police are taking the matter with the utmost seriousness. The toys have been confiscated and are undergoing thorough inspection.

FPD detectives found handwritten labels tied neatly to the necks of three stuffed animals, reading “frankincense,” “myrrh,” and “gold.” 

Two Men and Their Dog, still dressed as three kings, have declined to comment to the Paroder at this time. Fortunately the McIntires can rest easy as a police detail has been assigned to watch over the house and their daughter, Epiphany.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 14th Edition: Oh, Deer!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Be careful out there, drivers! Police have responded to no less than seven incidents this week in which a driver collided with an animal in the roadway.

“Deer are very active this time of year – it’s their mating season,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “In most cases, there wasn’t much the driver could’ve done to avoid a collision. Really it was the deer that ran into the car, not the other way around.”

The victims, however, described it a little differently.

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An artist’s rendering of the beast described by witnesses. Photo credit

“The thing I hit was not a deer,” said Marissa Marsh, a soccer mom who spoke with the Paroder at the scene of one of the accidents. The four boys riding with her at the time of the incident agreed.

“It had, like, 50 antlers,” said Charlie Diggins, a third-grade student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome. “It was like it had a whole tree on its head.”

“And it didn’t ‘run into’ the car like it was some sort of accident,” added his friend, Darrel Marsh, also a third-grader at Captain America’s. “More like it challenged us. Mom slammed on the brakes and swerved, and the thing charged straight at us.”

Police assured Marsh and the boys that the animal was, in fact, just a deer, and sometimes fear can make us see things as more frightening than they really are, and perhaps they should all spend a few moments with the EMTs getting checked for signs of concussion.

The car had to be towed and was likely totaled, according to police on the scene. The deer had fled. The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) was studying its tracks on the roadside to confirm that it was, in fact, just an ordinary deer. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 10th Edition: Troublemakers fowl up town meeting

By Sobby Raint-John, Fauxhasset Paroder Correspondent
And Thamanda Crompson, Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police were called to the Assembly of Chosen’s weekly Marathon of Remarks after Two Men and Their Dog burst in wearing elaborate turkey costumes and shouting, “End the War on Thanksgiving!”

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Two Men’s Dog punctuated the argument by chewing loudly on a squeaky toy shaped like a turkey leg. Local animal rights activists are trying to determine whether this should be considered cannibalism, or at the very least, animal cruelty. Photo credit

The Fauxhasset Paroder, already reporting on the Marathon, witnessed the disturbance caused by the local troublemakers. The Chosen had been continuing their disagreement about when to take down the Halloween decorations and put up the Christmas ones.

“We’ve had two months of Halloween,” said Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk. “The Common has been covered with gravestones since September, and the congress of ghosts has been hovering around them for just as long. It’s time we give those restless spirits some rest.”

“But Halloween is a holiday everyone can agree on,” objected She-Chosen Kaia Dennis. “Not everyone celebrates Christmas, and we have to be sensitive to that.”

“We have important decisions to make about Christmas, and we can’t leave those to the last minute,” argued He-Chosen Saul Preston. “We need to figure out if Santa is going to arrive on a sleigh or on a lobster boat. It can’t be both.”

He-Chosen Gene Strom waved it off.

“People don’t even really like Christmas,” said Strom. “In the past, I’ve gotten calls from the neighbors complaining that the lights on the Common are too bright and they can’t sleep. The message we’re getting is that cheer is passé. Now, if you wanted to put up a shopping mall on the Common, I think people would really like that.”

That was when Two Men and Their Dog so rudely interrupted the Marathon with their frivolous get-ups and two golden, fresh, steaming… I mean, extremely stinky and offensive apple pies, which they laid before the Chosen as a sort of offering.

“There is another holiday between Halloween and Christmas,” said Two Men and Their Dog. “A time for enjoying each other’s company and stuffing our faces until we pass out. We have a beautiful town and a beautiful community here in Fauxhasset. Let us not forget to be grateful for that.”

By this time, Town Manager Mown Tanager had quietly slipped away from the table, locked himself in his office, and, presumably, called the police, who were on the scene within eight minutes. Order was soon restored.

The next day, the Paroder caught up with Two Men and Their Dog at home, after being reminded by police that their phone was still being held in evidence for taking pictures of trees.

The house was easily identifiable by the hay bales and cornucopia on display by the mailbox and the rows of pumpkins, gourds and mums lining the walkway to the door. A hand-carved sign on the door reminded visitors to “Give Thanks.”

“We just wanted the town not to forget about Thanksgiving,” explained Two Men and Their Dog around mouthfuls of turkey. “The holidays just go by so fast ya’ know?”

It is not clear at this time if Two Men and Their Dog will be charged.