Fauxhasset Paroder, 40th Edition: Kids and quarterback tackle snow

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

As the skies continue to vomit snow upon the town of Fauxhasset, there is one place where spring has sprung – where, indeed, spring has always sprung, even in the heart of winters both natural and supernatural: the perpetual growth organic garden at the middle-high school.

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Students have built robots to help with gardening and produce delivery to Fauxhasset’s 8,000 residents. Photo credit

And so, in its first act as an independent nation-state, the school has begun exporting organic produce to the surrounding community. Prices are high, of course, in line with supply and demand as well as the school’s newfound and somewhat desperate need for revenue.

“The students were shocked when I told them that seceding from the town meant the town wouldn’t be giving them money anymore,” said President Jimmy Garoppolo, former second-string quarterback for the New England Patriots. “They had no funds, no economy, and no plans for how to get either.”

Garoppolo has been working with the civics and government class and members of the Model UN team to build an economy so the Fauxhasset Enclave (self-styled “the Fenclave”) can fund its continued existence going forward.

Right now, students are focused on their most immediate needs and those of the surrounding community as snowfall totals climb toward the thousands of inches.

Athletes have been digging tunnels through the snow to access and serve Fauxhasset’s most vulnerable citizens: its elderly population.

Those same tunnels are used by students delivering produce that Fauxhasset residents have ordered online from the Fenclave’s website.

Chemistry students are processing the removed snow to remove impurities so it can be used as drinking water by residents of the Fenclave and beyond.

Home ec students are cooking meals in the cafeteria for Fauxhasset public safety officers and Panic Brigade members on the job (apparently hyperventilating really works up an appetite).

Biology students are caring for overworked carrier squirrels while engineering students innovate robots that can help relieve some of the squirrels’ responsibilities in these trying times. Art students have designed luxury quarters where squirrels can rest between delivery and snow-clearing shifts.

“Everybody is playing to their strengths,” Garoppolo said. “They still have no idea how to be their own country, of course, but they’re playing as a team, and in my professional opinion, this is a definitive first down.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 19th Edition: A Patriot for President

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

President-Elect Tom Brady has notified Fauxhasset Middle-High School students that he will not be accepting their offer of presidency. He has instead delegated the position to Patriots second-string quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo.

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President-Elect Jimmy Garoppolo and his bodyguard toured Fauxhasset Middle-High School on Tuesday. It was the first time anyone over the age of 20 had set foot in the school in 116 years. Photo: Shannon Blackstone via Snapchat

“I can’t decide if I should cry or not,” said sophomore Shannon Blackstone in a statement issued to her Snapchat followers on Friday. “We all really wanted Brady. But, you know, if it had to be someone else, well…  Jimmy is pretty cute, too. I’m just saying.”

Student Body President Zane Harris had his reservations.

“We don’t really know what we’re getting with Garoppolo,” said Harris. “We’ve only seen him on the field a handful of times, and he hasn’t gotten nearly the press coverage Brady has, so we don’t know how he thinks. But uh… the girls seem pretty happy about it, so I guess that’s a good thing.”

Brady sent his regrets in a handwritten letter, which in fact had been delivered several weeks ago, but none of the students had thought to check the snail-mailbox until Christmas packages were due to arrive.

The letter was penned on December 5, the day after Brady won his 201st career football game and surpassed quarterbacks Brett Favre and Peyton Manning to become the GOAT (greatest of all-time).

“I know what I’m good at, and that’s football,” wrote Brady. “Just because I can lead a team to victory doesn’t mean I can lead a nation-state.”

“Besides,” he went on, “Coach finally called me the GOAT; I can’t just walk away from that. I owe it to New England and the rest of the guys to put a Superbowl ring on every finger.”

“I have every confidence that Jimmy will make a great president for your nation-state,” Brady concluded. “He’s extremely teachable, but not afraid to make the tough decisions. Please send us a hard copy of your response, signed and dated, by the first of the year.”

The middle-high school held an emergency vote on Friday and students gave their unanimous support for the change in plans.

“The way I see it, we’re basically taking the VP and making him President,” said Harris. “Now we just have to figure out what a ‘hard copy’ is by January first.”

Fortunately, it seems the students were able to sort out the U.S. Postal Service in time. President-Elect Garoppolo visited the school this morning. He, like the U.S. President, will be sworn in on Jan. 20.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 6th Edition: Middle-High School secedes, elects Tom Brady president

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Fauxhasset Middle-High School Student Body President Zane Harris reported today that the results were in from last Tuesday’s mock election, and the student body had voted almost unanimously for Patriots quarterback Tom Brady to serve as President of the United States of America.

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Some FMHS students have been on the Brady campaign trail for months. Photo credit: Andrew Strack

Students were reportedly shocked and devastated that Brady did not win the election on the national stage.

“How could this happen?” demanded Shannon Blackstone, a sophomore, in an initial statement sent to her Snapchat followers.

“Everyone I know voted Brady,” a tearful Blackstone said in the video. “But now people are saying he wasn’t even on the ballot outside of FMHS. What the actual f—k? Our election shows that the American people want Brady. For the government to withhold that choice by keeping Brady off the ballot… It was undemocratic.”

Students have been in voluntary lockdown since Election Day, weeping and gnashing their teeth. No one has entered or exited the building in six days. Inside, the 713 teenagers have been subsisting off produce from the school’s organic garden.

At first, Snapchat stories revealed the depths of students’ disappointment and despair, amplified by large, sad deer eyes. But since Nov. 9, the entire school has been participating in a technology fast while students process the outcome of the election and consider their next move.

It has been social media silence from the teens of Fauxhasset for more than six days. Parents are reporting fewer headaches, more hours of sleep, and fuller gas tanks since the teen tech fast and lockdown began. One mother even claims that her gray hairs have started turning blonde again.

Now, a week later, Harris has emerged from the school to reveal the student body’s intention to secede from the United States and become its own nation-state under Tom Brady.

“In Brady we trust,” he said.

The student body voted to allow Harris and other elected representatives to break the tech fast in order to contact their President-Elect. Harris said they’ve been reaching out to Brady, the Patriots, and Head Coach Bill Belichick via Twitter since Saturday but have not yet received a response.

“We may have to take this to the next level,” said Harris. “We’re considering sending a delegate onto Mombook to make our voices heard. Nobody wants to be the one, but we believe it’s a sacrifice worth making to have Tom Brady as President of the Fauxhasset Middle-High School – or POTFMHS, as we’ve been calling him.”

When asked how becoming President of the FMHS nation-state might affect the Patriots performance in the playoffs, Harris said he wasn’t concerned.

“If Inauguration Day rolls around and Brady is looking at another Superbowl, we’re perfectly capable of governing ourselves for an extra week or two while he takes care of that,” said Harris. “With the teacher strike going on, we’ve pretty much been doing that already for almost 116 years.”

Alternatively, said Harris, “If Brady is ready to step up as president right away, I’m sure the Patriots can still secure a Superbowl win with Jimmy Garoppolo.”