By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
As the skies continue to vomit snow upon the town of Fauxhasset, there is one place where spring has sprung – where, indeed, spring has always sprung, even in the heart of winters both natural and supernatural: the perpetual growth organic garden at the middle-high school.
And so, in its first act as an independent nation-state, the school has begun exporting organic produce to the surrounding community. Prices are high, of course, in line with supply and demand as well as the school’s newfound and somewhat desperate need for revenue.
“The students were shocked when I told them that seceding from the town meant the town wouldn’t be giving them money anymore,” said President Jimmy Garoppolo, former second-string quarterback for the New England Patriots. “They had no funds, no economy, and no plans for how to get either.”
Garoppolo has been working with the civics and government class and members of the Model UN team to build an economy so the Fauxhasset Enclave (self-styled “the Fenclave”) can fund its continued existence going forward.
Right now, students are focused on their most immediate needs and those of the surrounding community as snowfall totals climb toward the thousands of inches.
Athletes have been digging tunnels through the snow to access and serve Fauxhasset’s most vulnerable citizens: its elderly population.
Those same tunnels are used by students delivering produce that Fauxhasset residents have ordered online from the Fenclave’s website.
Chemistry students are processing the removed snow to remove impurities so it can be used as drinking water by residents of the Fenclave and beyond.
Home ec students are cooking meals in the cafeteria for Fauxhasset public safety officers and Panic Brigade members on the job (apparently hyperventilating really works up an appetite).
Biology students are caring for overworked carrier squirrels while engineering students innovate robots that can help relieve some of the squirrels’ responsibilities in these trying times. Art students have designed luxury quarters where squirrels can rest between delivery and snow-clearing shifts.
“Everybody is playing to their strengths,” Garoppolo said. “They still have no idea how to be their own country, of course, but they’re playing as a team, and in my professional opinion, this is a definitive first down.”