Fauxhasset Paroder, 26.5th Edition: Punxsutawney Punk’d (Part 2)

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Read Part 1 of the Punxsutawney Punk’d saga

BREAKING: a creature claiming to be Punxsutawney Phil has emerged from the Hallowed Burrow on the Common, screaming that nuclear winter is nigh.

“Repent!” screamed the creature as it tore through the campsite. “I’m Punxsutawney Phil!”

OK, buddy, you can drop the gun AND the act; no one’s buying that you’re Punxsutawney Phil. Photo credit

The alleged Mr. Phil then took off in the direction of the Village. Witnesses described the screaming rodent as a “large raccoon” rather than a groundhog, saying that it was much larger and more aggressive than the Mr. Phil they remembered from previous years, and also armed.

“Phil and I have had Sams at the Legion every February 2 since 1982,” said one witness. “I don’t know who that guy was, but it wasn’t Phil.”

Raccoons can weigh anywhere from 12 to 36 pounds, with some getting as large as 50 pounds, and they range in length from 23 to 38 inches. This specimen was reported at the higher end of that range. In contrast, the mild-mannered Mr. Phil weighs in at less than 10 pounds.

Police received calls from several people in the Village area shortly after the impostor appeared. One caller reported that the angry raccoon tried to attack him and his wife on Wagon Wheel Way. The animal then went on the roof before going down the alley toward the dumpsters.

Police surrounded the dumpster, but when they opened it, the creature had already fled. The department is confident, however, that the imposter can only evade the LAW (Local Animal Whisperer) for so long.

It is recommended that all residents camped out on the Common pack up their tents and head home for the night. Don’t forget to deadbolt your doors! Remember, the impostor is armed and dangerous. This message is brought to you by the Panic Brigade, which is also preparing small bundles of herbs for burnt offerings if anyone feels like repenting.

Stay tuned for more as this story develops.

[Punxsutawney Punk’d, Part 3]

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 23rd Edition: Condo quandary

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously at 8 Lame Jane’s]

The developer of the 8 Lame Jane’s condos appeared again before the Planning Board on Wednesday, begging the Town to lift the cease and desist order it had placed on his project almost two months ago upon discovering that units were 8,400 square feet larger than his permit allowed.

“People won’t even come for tours, let alone make a down payment, ever since you folks suggested that the units could attain sentience and eat them,” developer J.J. Henry told the board. “How are we supposed to recover our costs? This is going to bankrupt us.”

This symbol found in the condos’ basement has officials confounded. Where did it come from? What does it mean? Why doesn’t it respond to turpentine? Photo credit

From the beginning, Henry has maintained that his contractors had nothing to do with the extra square footage. He claims that the 12 bedrooms, nine bathrooms, three extra stories, and full-size swimming pools in each unit “just appeared.”

Considering that the interior of the townhomes is, impossibly, larger than the exterior, it’s possible Henry is telling the truth; maybe the rooms did appear by magic. That certainly seems to be what’s keeping them there now.

But if not Henry, then who put the rooms there, and why? The board wasn’t prepared to lift the cease and desist without a clear-cut explanation.

“Until the Town’s consulting firm finds a reason for the phenomenon, it just isn’t safe to let people in there – not residents, not construction workers,” said Chairman Blark Axelrod.

“That’s reasonable,” Henry agreed. “The only problem there is, your firm fired our consultant a month ago and hasn’t sent a new one.”

The consultant, Buster DeGost, was pulled from the investigation on December 7 after suggesting that a number of strange phenomena in Fauxhasset – Lame Jane’s condos, a pothole that swallowed a child on Achey Cedars Lane, and a possible space-time rift responsible for stretching and condensing town meetings – were all connected, and were all caused by demonic activity.

Inside sources say that DeGost’s termination was not due to the merit of his theories (or lack thereof), but to a snide comment the consultant made about the company holiday party, which was quoted in the Paroder.

(Editor’s note: Mr. DeGost, we apologize for the trouble we’ve caused you. We would be happy to print your side of the story any time you feel like getting revenge on your former employer.)

The Planning Board agreed, in the absence of a contractor, to take the meeting on the road and have a look at the units themselves. After touring the upper levels and watching Axelrod do tricks on his skateboard in the empty swimming pool, the board asked to see the basement.

Henry got cagey. He insisted that they weren’t finishing the basements and there was nothing to see down there but a mess of pipes and wiring. Interest piqued, board members shouldered past him to look for themselves. What they found explained everything.

A complex diagram, possibly of Satanic or demonic origin, covered much of the floor. There was some sort of astrological calendar intersecting with an eight-sided star. Smaller and off to the side, a familiar compass rose. And framing it all, an acute angle pointing southeast.

All of this was painted in red. Gleaming red that still looked wet. Your reporter boldly asked the question that no one else would speak.

“Is that blood?”

That’s when half a dozen construction workers firmly escorted the board (and, alas, the press) from the premises.

Outside, once the board had adjourned its meeting and departed, the Paroder got the exclusive explanation.

“We don’t know what that thing is,” Henry said. “We can’t get rid of it. We found it in the basement of the house that used to be here, but when we tore down the house, it didn’t go away. We dug the foundation – still there. Poured the cement – still there. Painted over the floor – still there.”

“We were gonna just close off the basement – keep it as utility space, serviced by the landlord only,” said Henry. “We don’t think it’s a danger. We’ve been on this project for five years, and the diagram’s been here the whole time, and the only bad juju we’ve encountered is governmental bureaucracy!”

“Frankly, though,” Henry said. “Even if the board lifts the cease and desist order, I don’t think we’re going to be able to sell these units now that this is out there.”

This is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner. 

Fauxhasset Paroder, 21st Edition: Please don’t feed the wildlife

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

This should go without saying, but with the coyote population on the rise and police reports about the wily creatures following suit, it bears repeating: people of Fauxhasset, do not feed the coyotes. Seriously, whoever is doing it, stop.

Now, we all know coyotes aren’t as bad as everyone thinks. There have only been five reported cases of coyotes biting humans in Fauxachusetts — ever — and only two known fatal attacks in North America in the history of our country. But that doesn’t mean coyotes make good pets. These aren’t stray cats; they’re wild animals.

How wild? Well, one coyote clan got a little too comfortable in a neighborhood off Whelming Street down by the harbor and threw a rager Saturday night. They booked a DJ, loaded up on wolfsbane (an herb that acts as a narcotic among canines and has strong anthropomorphic effects), and partied into the wee hours of the morning, howling all the while.

DJ Huzkiii dropped some sick beats over Whelming Street this weekend. And by “sick,” we mean neighbors were really sick of it. Photo credit

Neighbors said it was definitively “wild,” and many felt threatened by the howling, which they took for a sign of aggression. Coyotes on the scene said they were just letting off a little steam after another long week of the grind. They said they didn’t mean to frighten anyone and had no intent of attacking.

It took K-9 units from six towns to quell the disturbance. The crowd finally dispersed a little after 3:00 a.m. Three coyotes were taken into protective custody for refusing to cooperate with authorities. Protective custody is a tool police can use to handle intoxicated individuals and is not an arrest.

Mad Elephant Hotel owner Ord Girdlehyde offered free lodging to those who had traveled and had no transportation home and no place to stay. (The MFTA commuter rail, of course, doesn’t run this far into the suburbs, or that late at night.)

“I just want to get them off the street and give them someplace safe to go so that everybody can get some sleep,” Girdlehyde told police at the time of the incident – by phone, of course, as he had already departed for his winter home in the African savannah. He had learned about the commotion after one of the coyotes livestreamed portions of the party on Facebook.

“If giving the coyotes free lodging is what it takes to solve the problem, then okay, give them free lodging,” he said.

Cranky, sleep-deprived neighbors weren’t so sure of Girdlehyde’s motives.

“He put them up to it,” insisted one abutter. “It’s not ‘solving the problem’ if you created the problem in the first place. I’ll bet Ord booked the DJ himself! And who do you think has been feeding all these coyotes so they keep coming back? Ord doesn’t care about Fauxhasset. He doesn’t even live here.”

Despite Girdlehyde’s unpopularity with certain residents, police were confident that no man could have acted alone to create the “coyote crisis” gripping the town.

“It’s been a slow build,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “Every town in Fauxachusetts was seeing the same thing. We didn’t think much of it when the calls started rolling in this fall, because everyone was having the same problem. Now we see that people weren’t just crying wolf.”

In addition to refraining from feeding coyotes, residents are urged to keep an eye on pets, especially when letting them out at night. If you see a coyote, police recommend “hazing” it by making a loud noise or throwing an object to startle it away.

Flash grenades are available from the Panic Brigade for interested residents, while supplies last.

This story is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner, with more tips on how to coexist peacefully with coyotes.