By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Construction teams have completed the re-re-development of the Affordable Luxury Homes at 8 Lame Jane’s. Residents started moving in on Sunday. Thus was averted the 788th apocalypse detailed in the late Father Mumblehill’s “Book of Apocalypses.”
“To be clear, it is in no way certain that this property has been purged of all lingering curses,” said Ezekiel Henderson, an apostle of Mumblehill’s who is carrying on the good Father’s work to prevent a total of 792 potential apocalypses before they happen.
“But,” said Henderson, “that’s the rabble’s problem now. We’ve got 787 other apocalypses to deal with.”
Compared to the destruction of life, the universe, and everything, what’s a flickering light here, a cold spot there, a demonic apparition every Tuesday at 9:00 p.m.? Small price to pay. Every home has its quirks, after all. [Disclosure: Your reporter was approved for a unit at the 8 Lame Jane development.]
According to Henderson, the unique properties of the homes at 8 Lame Jane’s should be the least of everyone’s concerns.
Consider, said the apostle, the sky that was recently torn down over the harbor; the trees that have been missing since January; the eternal summertime; the Christmas that refuses to end, sliding its digital claws into our bank accounts and Apple Pays day after day; the thousands of cats swarming the town; and the fact that the glitter spilled during construction at Castle Girdlehausen still hasn’t worked its way out of the local water cycle.
“These are all apocalypses waiting to happen,” Henderson said. “With God’s help, the other apostles and I are doing our best to stop them, but it may be His Will to smite Fauxhasset. He’s certainly come up with enough creative ways to do it. Brothers and sisters in the Lord, pray! Fast! The Cataclysm may be upon us.”
When asked for comment, the Panic Brigade urged residents to pray if they want, fast if they must, but please – please! – leave the panicking to the professionals.
Instead, between hyperventilated gasps for air, officials recommended visiting the local Gnaws or Cop & GOP to stock up on shelf-stable goods for your family bunkers. Families that do not have apocalypse bunkers should contact the Panic Brigade at once for an Armageddon Survival Starter Kit.
* No refunds will be issued to the deceased, so do try to stay on the demonic apparition’s good side.