Fauxhasset Paroder, 83rd Edition: Well That Escaladed

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

As the pleasant spring weather returns, so too do the less-pleasant perennial spring issues. They crop up year after year, like weeds in our perfect garden of a community. Like Sisyphus, we are bound to heave our boulder up the hill repeatedly for all eternity.

Or at least, we are bound to heave our bodies up the hill to the soccer field on Saturday mornings from the parking lot where soccer parents are SUPPOSED to leave their cars, Fauxhasset – and not from halfway up the hill, parked askew with two wheels in the roadway and two on the sidewalk like savages.

 

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If the Town decides it doesn’t like where you parked… well, sucks for you. | Photo credit

Parking, of course, is an issue as old as time here in Fauxhasset, but it has reached a breaking point now that the aliens have doubled the town’s population – and with it, the number of vehicles its parking lots must accommodate.

The Assembly of Chosen met Monday to discuss. After four hours, attendees were growing restless.

“I don’t see why we can’t just send them all to satellite parking,” said one audience member. “Isn’t that for satellites?”

Everyone knows the answer to that is “No.” According to the bylaws, the satellite parking lot is for employees of the village business district and not for visiting spacecraft.

An alien in attendance noted that she and her family are not “visiting.” She said that she, her husband, their three children, and their extended family have been living at Ord Girdlehyde’s Castle Girdlehausen in the wetlands since January and plan to stay there until the kids graduate from the Fenclave.

Therefore, she said, the bylaw doesn’t apply to them; there’s no reason that, as permanent residents, their parking should be restricted under the Visiting Spacecraft Parking Act of 1969 just because they happen to drive a space vehicle.

Furthermore, she said, her entire extended family shares a single vehicle – a compact electric spacecraft that takes up less space than an Escalade (at least on the outside).

Board members agreed that the size of the vehicles was irrelevant; there are simply too many of them in proportion to the number of available parking spaces in town.

He-Chosen Saul Preston suggested asking the Capital Budget Committee to cough up for that car vaporizer they were talking about last spring.

“The City of Fauxston got a dozen of them last year, and I hear they’re having absolutely no parking issues this season,” Preston said. “It’s also lightened up the traffic on city streets and highways. I think it’s always a good thing when we can take cars off the road – it’s good for the environment.”

The board agreed to put the idea on the Capital Budget Committee’s next agenda.

As the meeting ended, the Paroder caught up with ɱʘиα£ΐϨα, the alien who spoke during the meeting.

“I’m not saying parking isn’t a problem,” said ɱʘиα£ΐϨα. “It clearly is – but it also clearly has been since long before my family came to town. Yes, we are contributing to the problem, but we are just as happy to be part of the solution. All we ask is that the Town stop pointing fingers as if we were to blame, and afford us the same rights as everyone else in town. We pay our taxes, too, you know. We shouldn’t have to park a mile away for everything.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 82nd Edition: How can we miss you if you won’t leave?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Spring has truly sprung in Fauxhasset. Thanks to the impostor groundhog Fauxsutawney Fil’s gift of eternal summer, the town skipped over April showers and went straight to May flowers, with crocuses breaking through the melting snow as early as mid-February.

Soon, the daffodils and hyacinths followed; then the tulips. But now, as the tough, early flowers give way to the full palette of spring, something strange and frightening is happening: the leaves are coming in.

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Grand Corona Sunny More said the solar forests installed by GREG were working fine “until all these leaves started throwing shade.” | Photo credit

This would not be alarming, except that the town misplaced every one of its trees back in January and has yet to determine where they went. There are no trunks or branches supporting these leaves. They’re just floating up there, growing thicker and greener by the day.

GREG, the Green and Renewable Energy Group, has mixed feelings about the development. The committee split after the trees went missing, with half of its members claiming the trees were angry and urging citizens to repent, and half of them clamoring to set up solar panels across town.

The “repent” faction is in good spirits and says the trees are on the brink of forgiving us for whatever we did that angered them.

“Once they’re back, we’re going to have a very serious sit-down with them to find out what it was so we don’t do it again,” said Sam Bombadil, Great Green Thumb of the committee. “After our ceremonial watering festival, of course, which is to thank the trees for their awesome patience and benevolence.”

The “solar energy” faction is not as happy.

“We spent a lot of people’s tax dollars putting in these solar panels, and soon they’ll be useless,” said Sunny More, the committee’s Grand Corona. “It’s become very wasteful. We’re looking into options for clearing the leaves so we can continue to harvest the sun’s glorious golden energy, but so far everyone is telling us they can only remove leaves if they are attached to branches.”

Bombadil was appalled when he heard of More’s plan. “These are trees!” he protested. “They have feelings! Does she want to anger them more?”

“These aren’t trees,” More told the Paroder. “They’re just leaves, like you’d find on your lawn in the fall. Would any one of you leave piles of leaves on your lawn all winter? I didn’t think so.”

The Paroder reached out to local philosopher the Origami Swami for clarity on this issue.

“The question,” he said, “is how much of a tree is needed to constitute a tree? In other words, wherein lies the soul of the tree? Is it in the leaves? The trunk? The branches? Or are all three required?”

“If one finds a stick on the ground,” said the Origami Swami, “one does not say, ‘Ah! See here, I have found a small tree.’ And a tree is still a tree in the winter, when its leaves have fallen. So it would seem that the soul of a tree is in its trunk.”

“Therefore,” he concluded, “it would not be harmful to the tree to remove these leaves. However, as the leaves seem to be growing in the normal way of leaves, it seems clear that they are still a living thing, albeit one we do not understand. It is never wise to harm a living thing – especially one we do not understand.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 59th Edition: New iPhone is a Bad Apple

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s a dangerous new trend sweeping Fauxhasset. If you are one of the few not riding the bandwagon, we urge you to stay vigilant – or better yet, just stay home.

Residents have gone gaga over Apple’s latest smartphone, the $9,999 iPhone Ω, and it’s costing them a lot more than cash – it’s costing lives, limbs, and in some cases, souls.

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Apple’s patented “Infinite Screen” – an early concept. Photo credit

The Ω model is the first smartphone to do away with old-fashioned biometrics in favor of a soul wavelength reader, replacing stale facial recognition technology with deep recognition on a spiritual level. Apple CEO Kim “Fool-of-a” Took claims it’s the most secure form of identity verification ever created and cannot possibly be hacked.

Like previous iPhone models, the Ω has no headphone jack – audio streams directly to the user’s brain. Unlike previous models, it has no charge port, either. Users are instructed to place the phone in moonlight when the battery gets low or, in the absence of moonlight, on a chunk of Apple’s custom selenite ($69.99, available in satin spar, desert rose, and gypsum flower) overnight.

The new device sports an unprecedented button-less, bezel-less display that is screen all the way around, 360 degrees, broken only by small recesses for the front and rear cameras – which are equipped with the latest capabilities in AR (alternate reality) technology. With this proprietary technology, users can simply point the camera at a real-world scene, and the image will be digitally overlaid with people, places and things from a time and space they never even imagined.

That, dear readers, is the part that is jeopardizing lives here in our ordinarily peaceful, if quirky, hamlet by the sea. People are so entranced that they are not even looking up from their phones while walking, driving, or changing the baby’s diaper (which we can’t really blame them for).

Police said there have been three times the normal number of car accidents since the device was released on Tuesday, including 12 that involved pedestrians simply wandering into traffic, convinced by their iPhone that they were somewhere else entirely.

When asked about the incidents, the victims gave explanations such as, “My GPS told me to do it,” “There was a Zapdos over there,” and “I saw my dead grandfather beckoning me to help in the garden.”

So far there have only been three fatalities. Police said the other accident victims were transported to the local hospital with minor to severe injuries, but all are expected to live. Police also said that anyone caught looking at their phone while driving would be arrested immediately.