By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
As the pleasant spring weather returns, so too do the less-pleasant perennial spring issues. They crop up year after year, like weeds in our perfect garden of a community. Like Sisyphus, we are bound to heave our boulder up the hill repeatedly for all eternity.
Or at least, we are bound to heave our bodies up the hill to the soccer field on Saturday mornings from the parking lot where soccer parents are SUPPOSED to leave their cars, Fauxhasset – and not from halfway up the hill, parked askew with two wheels in the roadway and two on the sidewalk like savages.
Parking, of course, is an issue as old as time here in Fauxhasset, but it has reached a breaking point now that the aliens have doubled the town’s population – and with it, the number of vehicles its parking lots must accommodate.
The Assembly of Chosen met Monday to discuss. After four hours, attendees were growing restless.
“I don’t see why we can’t just send them all to satellite parking,” said one audience member. “Isn’t that for satellites?”
Everyone knows the answer to that is “No.” According to the bylaws, the satellite parking lot is for employees of the village business district and not for visiting spacecraft.
An alien in attendance noted that she and her family are not “visiting.” She said that she, her husband, their three children, and their extended family have been living at Ord Girdlehyde’s Castle Girdlehausen in the wetlands since January and plan to stay there until the kids graduate from the Fenclave.
Therefore, she said, the bylaw doesn’t apply to them; there’s no reason that, as permanent residents, their parking should be restricted under the Visiting Spacecraft Parking Act of 1969 just because they happen to drive a space vehicle.
Furthermore, she said, her entire extended family shares a single vehicle – a compact electric spacecraft that takes up less space than an Escalade (at least on the outside).
Board members agreed that the size of the vehicles was irrelevant; there are simply too many of them in proportion to the number of available parking spaces in town.
He-Chosen Saul Preston suggested asking the Capital Budget Committee to cough up for that car vaporizer they were talking about last spring.
“The City of Fauxston got a dozen of them last year, and I hear they’re having absolutely no parking issues this season,” Preston said. “It’s also lightened up the traffic on city streets and highways. I think it’s always a good thing when we can take cars off the road – it’s good for the environment.”
The board agreed to put the idea on the Capital Budget Committee’s next agenda.
As the meeting ended, the Paroder caught up with ɱʘиα£ΐϨα, the alien who spoke during the meeting.
“I’m not saying parking isn’t a problem,” said ɱʘиα£ΐϨα. “It clearly is – but it also clearly has been since long before my family came to town. Yes, we are contributing to the problem, but we are just as happy to be part of the solution. All we ask is that the Town stop pointing fingers as if we were to blame, and afford us the same rights as everyone else in town. We pay our taxes, too, you know. We shouldn’t have to park a mile away for everything.”