Fauxhasset Paroder, 59th Edition: New iPhone is a Bad Apple

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s a dangerous new trend sweeping Fauxhasset. If you are one of the few not riding the bandwagon, we urge you to stay vigilant – or better yet, just stay home.

Residents have gone gaga over Apple’s latest smartphone, the $9,999 iPhone Ω, and it’s costing them a lot more than cash – it’s costing lives, limbs, and in some cases, souls.

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Apple’s patented “Infinite Screen” – an early concept. Photo credit

The Ω model is the first smartphone to do away with old-fashioned biometrics in favor of a soul wavelength reader, replacing stale facial recognition technology with deep recognition on a spiritual level. Apple CEO Kim “Fool-of-a” Took claims it’s the most secure form of identity verification ever created and cannot possibly be hacked.

Like previous iPhone models, the Ω has no headphone jack – audio streams directly to the user’s brain. Unlike previous models, it has no charge port, either. Users are instructed to place the phone in moonlight when the battery gets low or, in the absence of moonlight, on a chunk of Apple’s custom selenite ($69.99, available in satin spar, desert rose, and gypsum flower) overnight.

The new device sports an unprecedented button-less, bezel-less display that is screen all the way around, 360 degrees, broken only by small recesses for the front and rear cameras – which are equipped with the latest capabilities in AR (alternate reality) technology. With this proprietary technology, users can simply point the camera at a real-world scene, and the image will be digitally overlaid with people, places and things from a time and space they never even imagined.

That, dear readers, is the part that is jeopardizing lives here in our ordinarily peaceful, if quirky, hamlet by the sea. People are so entranced that they are not even looking up from their phones while walking, driving, or changing the baby’s diaper (which we can’t really blame them for).

Police said there have been three times the normal number of car accidents since the device was released on Tuesday, including 12 that involved pedestrians simply wandering into traffic, convinced by their iPhone that they were somewhere else entirely.

When asked about the incidents, the victims gave explanations such as, “My GPS told me to do it,” “There was a Zapdos over there,” and “I saw my dead grandfather beckoning me to help in the garden.”

So far there have only been three fatalities. Police said the other accident victims were transported to the local hospital with minor to severe injuries, but all are expected to live. Police also said that anyone caught looking at their phone while driving would be arrested immediately.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 11th Edition: Holy potholes, Batman!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

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Achey Cedars residents said they’ve been asking the town for help with potholes ever since they found a gator in one back in 1999. Photo credit

BREAKING: Residents of Achey Cedars Way are being evacuated after reports came in that the street was “eating children.”

On the scene, petrified parents clung to each other and their remaining children (which turned out to be all but one of them) while gazing into the depths of a ten-foot-wide pothole.

“Doesn’t that look bigger than last night?” said a man in a suit, swirling a glass of red wine. His neighbors agreed that the pothole did seem larger and began to discuss, carefully out of your reporter’s earshot, who they could sue for this, and for how much.

According to police, Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome, had tripped and fallen into the pothole and then completely disappeared.

Police said the emergency call came from Habitha Lembas, Shorty’s mother, after she witnessed the same pothole swallowing a Mini Cooper some time later; she had not believed her daughter’s initial report that the street had “eaten Shorty.”

While she was on the line, Habitha reported watching a UPS delivery truck also vanish into the street.

Habitha then asked the police to excuse her, as she had to go see about a Serengeti.com package she thought was being delivered by the truck.

Habitha and her husband Larry Lembas declined to comment for this article. The Paroder got the scoop from Shorty’s seven-year-old sister, Dooey Lembas, spokeschild for Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

Dooey was the only kid in the neighborhood not crying. Instead, she was stomping around with a garden rake, wearing a too-large football helmet and a toy shield. Her knees were bleeding from an attempt to dive into the pothole to save her brother.

“This is all my fault,” said Dooey. “I threw the Frisbee too high on purpose. It’s this joke we have, because Shorty’s so, ya know, short. And like, it’s funny, you know? Except this time, it wasn’t funny.”

Dooey said she saw her brother fall and, after waiting a few seconds for him to get up, ran over to help. When she arrived at the edge of the pothole, he was nowhere to be seen.

Dooey said her parents thought Shorty was just playing his favorite game – hiding from them – and started hunting for him. That’s when she took it upon herself to go after her brother, but she said she was unable to get the pothole to “open up” again.

“Mom stopped me from going in after the UPS truck,” Dooey said. “I’m keeping an eye on it, though. I’ll do whatever it takes to get Shorty back. Sure, he goes to Captain America’s, but he’s still family. I have eight brothers, and I’d do the same for any of them.”

Dooey was then discovered and dragged away by her parents, who again declined to comment for this article.

A contractor is now attempting to patch the pothole. However, the hole seems to have no bottom and simply continues to swallow the cement. More on this flagrant defiance of the laws of physics as it develops.

The Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) has offered to put up the whole neighborhood free of charge until this issue is resolved. Please note that Achey Cedars Way is closed to all traffic. Residents are reminded that yellow “DO NOT CROSS” tape should not be crossed.

This story is a parody. Read the original article in the Cohasset Mariner.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 9th Edition: Smell hell

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

BREAKING: An outside consultant has now officially confirmed reports that the heavy fog over Fauxhasset this morning is comprised of The Worst Smell In The World.

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Gas masks will be delivered shortly to every home in town. Photo credit

The first complaints came from residents along the coast around 5:30 a.m.

“The first caller thought it was a septic failure,” recounted Town Manager Mown Tanager. “The second thought he smelled an electrical fire. We’ve heard the odor described as neighbors cooking too much cabbage, someone smoking outside the window – an invisible someone, with an invisible cigarette – the overwhelming odor of olives, and, for some reason, a U-Haul full of black licorice.”

The consultant explained, “The Worst Smell In The World is heterogeneous. It targets individuals by smelling like the thing they hate the most.”

By the time parents were sending students to bus stops, the foul fog had reached the Village. And by 8:00 a.m., the entire town was blanketed in it, prompting Tanager to reach out to the consultant.

The consultant, as he strapped on his gas mask, said all we can really do is get a “juice gun and rainy day coat.” Or at least, that’s what it sounded like through the mask.

Residents, do not panic. Leave that to the Panic Brigade. They’ve spent years drilling for an emergency such as this and are certified by the State Emergency Department to respond appropriately in the face of any crisis.

Do not go outside if you can help it. Trust us, it’s worse out here. Do not attempt to cover up the smell by burning candles or incense. The Worst Smell In The World is more powerful than anything you can light on fire. And do not attempt to combat the smell with a humidifier, as adding moisture will only make it worse.

Instead, close all doors and windows and cover gaps with towels or blankets. If the smell has already entered your home, try running an air ionizer or turning on a bathroom fan.

Residents should, of course, always know where their towel is, but spares are available if anyone needs them. They can be picked up at Panic Brigade headquarters in the basement of Steer Mill School, along with air ionizers.

Gas masks are also available and will be delivered to every household as soon as the brigade has finished panicking.