Fauxhasset Paroder, 25th Edition: The Goblin King

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Contractors on the Hound Hook Dam project accidentally cracked into the goblin tunnels under the town on Wednesday, forcing officials to shut down Peachhood Street at the height of the afternoon rush hour. Drivers had to be rerouted through Proxituate, tacking 10 extra minutes onto their commute.

xsms6sz

Police Chief Stephen Quill grapples with a goblin. Screen grab from cruiser cam courtesy of Fauxhasset Police. Photo credit

“The timing of the incident could not have been more inconsiderate,” Town Manager Mown Tanager said in a statement. “It was incredibly burdensome to the commuters of Fauxhasset who had worked long days and just wanted to get home to their families. We have made it crystal clear to the project manager that disruptions like this will not be tolerated going forward.”

When approached for comment, the project manager could only clutch his face and gibber, surveying the carnage that had, until three hours earlier, been his worksite.

The environmental monitor simply said, “We delved too greedily and too deep.”

The Paroder finally got the scoop from a backhoe operator, Mac McMack, who had been operating the machine when it struck the tunnel and caused the collapse.

“There was, like, this wicked loud noise, right, and then the ground just f—kin dropped,” McMack described with a heavy Fauxston accent. “I jumped outta the cab and stahted running, right, only this swahm of goblins was comin’ outta the ground – there was, like, three ’undred of ’em, you wouldn’t believe it – and they f—kin took me down and dragged me undahground.”

“It was wicked dahk down there, couldn’t see a thing,” McMack continued. “I thought I was probably gonna die down there. But next thing I know, the little gray bastahds staht retreating and the police are pulling me out, askin’ if I’m all right. Well, I told ’im, yeah, I’m all right – you know, physically and all. But I’m still kinda f—ked in the head, you know? Nevah seen anything like that befoah.”

A dashboard camera from the responding police cruiser showed Police Chief Stephen Quill leaping to action. After Tasing the goblin who appeared to be leading the charge, the pacifist Chief still did not reach for a lethal weapon, but instead made due with a little debris and a lot of ingenuity.

Quill used a fallen tree branch to down some electrical wires, which he then fashioned into a whip to drive the goblins back underground. Kids, don’t try this at home. Adults, do whatever you want, but don’t come crying to the Panic Brigade when you fry the family dog and your house goes up in flames.

Though rattled, McMack rallied and used the backhoe to refill the hole, which is now being guarded by a round-the-clock police detail until officials decide what to do next.

Quill declined to comment, saying only that he wished people on Facebook would stop calling him the “Goblin King.”

“That’s a term for the head honcho within the goblin community,” said Quill. “I wouldn’t want to ruffle any feathers. Or… whatever goblins have for an epidermis. And David Bowie must be rolling over in his grave every time someone tweets that.”

Tanager concluded his statement, “We are impressed and grateful for the Police Chief’s calm and measured, yet swift and decisive, action in the face of this threat to our commuters’ convenience. He truly is the Hero of the Goblin Wars. We just wish he would’ve asked DPW to post a detour sign at the end of Peachhood Street.”

This story is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 16th Edition: Oh deer, deer, deer

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Car accidents involving deer are piling up. There were another dozen crashes this week, including two that involved a soccer mom whose Range Rover was totaled by a deer earlier this month.

mutant_deer_by_retkikosmos-d5m1jp9

Officials say the beast has been slain. Unofficials not so sure; advise “stay woke.” Photo credit

“I’ll say the same thing I said the last two times,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh, standing away from a seven-car pile-up that included her brand-new Tesla. “That thing was not a deer.”

Marsh shook her head and added, “Fauxhasset’s supposed to be such a great place to raise your kids, but my sons are terrified, and my husband and I don’t want them outside with some… some monster on the loose. I can’t believe those idiots at Town Hall haven’t done something about this.”

As a matter of fact, those idiots at Town Hall had done something about it, or at least they’d tried.

“We’re doing everything we possibly can,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager at the scene of the accident. “For such a large creature, these deer are incredibly hard to track. We don’t even know how many of them there are – is it the same animal causing accidents over and over, or are there hundreds of them out in the woods somewhere? We just don’t know.”

“And by the way, we don’t know for sure that they aren’t just ordinary deer,” Tanager added. “I’m inclined to say that they are, but the witness reports are uncannily consistent across the board, and we can’t just ignore that.”

Before the accident, the Local and Regional Animal Whisperers (LAW and RAW) had been tracking the creature for most of the day, assisted by Radiation State Park Senior Ranger Roc Rubble with his flask of whiskey and Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, part-time Jedi, with his light saber.

They arrived on the scene shortly after the accident and pursued the creature into the woods. As tow trucks were hauling away the last of the wreckage, the LAW returned with Branch’s light saber in one hand and a crown of antlers in the other.

“The beast is slain,” he announced. He brought the antlers back to the police station as evidence and for possible use in the creation of reinducks for pulling Santa’s duck boat on Saturday.

The others didn’t come out of the woods for several more minutes, and police almost sent a search team after them, but at last they emerged.

The RAW immediately got into his Hum-vee and drove into the forest to collect the carcass. Rubble declined to comment and instead tried to drain his flask, which was already empty. Branch cast about for his light saber, a circuit which brought him close to the Paroder reporting team.

“Don’t listen to Tanager and LAW,” Branch muttered. “Whatever that thing is, it’s not a deer, and it’s not dead.”

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 14th Edition: Oh, Deer!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Be careful out there, drivers! Police have responded to no less than seven incidents this week in which a driver collided with an animal in the roadway.

“Deer are very active this time of year – it’s their mating season,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “In most cases, there wasn’t much the driver could’ve done to avoid a collision. Really it was the deer that ran into the car, not the other way around.”

The victims, however, described it a little differently.

deer-with-many-horns-52944

An artist’s rendering of the beast described by witnesses. Photo credit

“The thing I hit was not a deer,” said Marissa Marsh, a soccer mom who spoke with the Paroder at the scene of one of the accidents. The four boys riding with her at the time of the incident agreed.

“It had, like, 50 antlers,” said Charlie Diggins, a third-grade student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome. “It was like it had a whole tree on its head.”

“And it didn’t ‘run into’ the car like it was some sort of accident,” added his friend, Darrel Marsh, also a third-grader at Captain America’s. “More like it challenged us. Mom slammed on the brakes and swerved, and the thing charged straight at us.”

Police assured Marsh and the boys that the animal was, in fact, just a deer, and sometimes fear can make us see things as more frightening than they really are, and perhaps they should all spend a few moments with the EMTs getting checked for signs of concussion.

The car had to be towed and was likely totaled, according to police on the scene. The deer had fled. The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) was studying its tracks on the roadside to confirm that it was, in fact, just an ordinary deer. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.