By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
It’s that time of year, folks: deer are moving outside of their normal territories and habits in search of mating partners, which may bring them into closer contact with humans.
Last fall, police responded to no fewer than 42 deer-related car accidents in the months of November and December. Incidentally, 42 was also the number of antlers each of those deer had sprouting from its head, leading residents and experts alike to label them “monsters,” “beasts,” and “demons.”
The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) claimed to have “slain the beast” last winter – as if there had only been one, and as if such a creature could be slain. No – what LAW did was wrestle a light saber from a local part-time Jedi and use it to inhumanely part the creature from its crown of antlers, thereby giving experts the opportunity to count them – but at what cost?
Readers, you will remember that the Womp took the LAW for its own this past summer. Perhaps now we begin to grasp why.
Last year’s mutant deer met a happier fate. The population seems to have had a successful mating season and spawned a new, more wondrous and terrible generation – giving birth not to live young separate from their own bodies, but to dozens of tiny deer affixed to the tips of their antlers.
Police advise that drivers be extra watchful on the roads – and please, for the love of Jobs, put down the iPhone Ω while operating your vehicle. Witnesses have reported encountering these deer through the new device’s alternate reality interface, leaving them shaken at best and sobbing into a pint of Jen & Berry’s strawberry potato chip ice cream in a therapist’s office three times a week at worst.
Reportedly, the alternate reality interface maps the deer’s true form onto an animated one, which dances and sings infectious karaoke tunes. At least seven victims have been infected with that erstwhile earworm, “Trevor Gonna Live You Up” by Brick Ashley.
We repeat, DO NOT look at the deer with your iPhone Ω. Encounter them wild and unfiltered, as nature never intended them to be. Behold the abomination with your naked eyeballs.
The Regional Animal Whisperer (RAW) urges residents to “live and let live” with regard to the deer, no matter how frightening they may appear. “Let nature run its course,” the RAW advised.
There is, however, a contingent of activists who believe the mutants should be hunted to the point of extinction before next year rolls around to reveal what fresh horrors the next generation will bring.
Will these fractal antlers continue to grow until each deer carries thousands of young upon its head? Or will something even more unthinkable happen, putting the citizens of our fine town at risk? Many pet owners are concerned that their furry friends could become infected by whatever is creating this Fibonacci offspring effect and are urging town officials to act before it’s too late.
What do you think? If any of our fine, educated readers have comments, concerns or ideas, please sound off in the comments section!