Following the Paroder’s latest report on the 8 Lame Jane townhomes (“Condo Quandary,” Jan. 17), I wanted to provide an update about my investigation into this matter. While it is true that my firm pulled me from the formal investigation, that has not stopped me from making my own inquiries.
After months of study, it is no longer my opinion that the symbol discovered in the basement of the townhomes is of demonic origin, nor that the units’ otherworldly architecture was created by such.
I do, however, still believe that the impossible dimensions of the townhomes are tied to other strange incidents in your town, including a pothole swallowing a child and a space-time rift that was interfering with the length of public meetings. The appearance of an alien “Santa” on Christmas Eve only serves to bolster my theory: that all these bizarre happenings can be traced back to extraterrestrial activity.
It is too early for me to go into further detail, but I urge the people of Fauxhasset to work with me to unravel this mystery. This is not just about a condominium development potentially eating future homeowners. What’s happening at 8 Lame Jane will affect everyone. If you see something, say something, and be sure to @ me on Twitter @japandamanda.
Thank you for your attention to this matter. Sincerely,
Buster DeGost, private investigator, former Ghostbuster
P.S. Do not concern yourself about getting revenge on my former employer. Proving I’m right will be vengeance enough. Plus, getting fired meant I didn’t have to attend that stupid Christmas party, so I really should be thanking you!