Fauxhasset Paroder, 84th Edition: Big-Time Raptor Rampage

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s Annual Town Séance season, and you know what that means: Public meetings are scheduled twice as often, are three times as well-attended, and last four times longer than normal.

So imagine the delight and relief felt by the Assembly of Chosen and their devotees when this week’s meeting wrapped up in less than five seconds. No sooner had everyone entered the room and taken their seats than they were all on their feet again, bidding each other good night.

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Town politics are really getting old. | Photo credit

Everyone, however, looked as tired as if they’d been sitting there for fifty years. In fact, several people present (including your reporter) developed wrinkles, and four members of the audience dropped dead, along with two of the Chosen.

The secretary lost all her teeth. An unidentified 60-year-old woman became pre-pubescent. The Paroder’s broadcast technician Miike “Jax” Jackson became an instant silver fox. Town Manager Mown Tanager went bald and needed to be aroused from a deep nap by She-Chosen Kaia Dennis.

And the Temple, readers – it was ruined. All around, the gold leaf was flaking off, chunks of stone were crumbling from pillars, ancient records were disintegrating at the slightest glance. Cobwebs dominated every corner except for the one near the restrooms, which was flooded. All that remained of the ever-burning torches were deep, charred pits with not a spark in sight.

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Jax? Is that you? | Photo credit

“I knew we shouldn’t have cheaped out on the new administrative wing,” said Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk in a slow, quavering tone that shook his jowls and produced a little dribble at the corner of his mouth. “I told you it wouldn’t last. Now get off my lawn.”

The new administrative wing was added only five years ago – though from the look of it now, it might as well have been five generations, or even centuries.

“They don’t make ‘em like they used to,” mourned He-Chosen Saul Preston.

The Chosen made no decision regarding when, how, and at what cost the Temple should be repaired. As Kirk noted, the topic had not been included on the meeting agenda distributed to the public, so it could not be discussed under the open meeting laws.

Instead, the Chosen and their devotees shuffled sadly out, leaving the media alone with the dead and some assorted cats.

The Silver Fox replayed the meeting footage again and again, looking for a clue as to what had happened. Finally, after slowing down the recording more than 500 percent, he was able to pinpoint the moment when everything changed – and at that moment, a roar – no, a cry for help: A disembodied voice demanding, “Where’s my son?”

Readers, there is only one possible explanation. We know that a timeraptor has been passing through town on his migrational route these last few years. We suspect that this timeraptor reproduced with a velociraptor to produce the spacial rift above Castle Girdlehausen in January. Now, it seems, the raptor’s parental units have come calling.

If we thought the concise, three-and-a-half-hour Semiannual Town Séance caused by the younger timeraptor was strange, we can only guess what bizzarities lie ahead with the arrival of an even more ancient and powerful creature: Father Timeraptor.

Folks, if you have elderly loved ones, no one would judge you for checking them in to the self-storage facility until this whole mess gets squared away.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 45th Edition: Rare raptor makes millisecond appearance

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Voters at the Semiannual Spring Séance left the Monday night meeting in a cloud of confusion: rather than wrapping up in minutes or dragging on for days, like most public meetings in Fauxhasset, the séance lasted three and a half hours – precisely the length of time that a good séance should last.

“The spirits of the forefathers were smiling on us today,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager by way of explanation. “We got through the articles expeditiously, and managed to have some really positive conversations in the process. It was demigodocracy at its finest.”

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Not like you need one, buddy. Photo credit

 

Our broadcast technician, Miike “Jax” Jackson, had a different explanation.

“Ghosts, demigods – does anyone really believe that crap? This was science, pure and simple,” said Jax. “If you play back our hologram footage in slow motion, you’ll see that a timeraptor passed through the gym at 7:33 and 33 seconds. After that, everything started moving at exactly the right speed.”

A timeraptor, according to the Local Animal Whisperer, is one of the three biological sexes of raptor, the others being the traditional velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor (referred to in some circles as the “distanceraptor”).

Little is known about the reproductive habits of raptors. What scientists do know is that, whenever you place one over another, it always equals the third.

It is suspected that timeraptors actually eat time as part of their diet and that they lay their eggs in the remote corners of the darknet, feeding their young with scraps scavenged from YouTube, Facebook, and other time-sucking platforms.

It’s difficult to say how rare timeraptors actually are, since they are all but impossible to detect even when moving relatively slowly – which, for them, is around the speed of infrared light. At full throttle, a timeraptor can easily exceed the speed of light.

“The real miracle here wasn’t that the forefathers gave the meeting their blessing,” said Jax. “It’s that we were able to capture this rare and mysterious creature on holo-film for the first time ever. Before, science had no way to study the timeraptor in its natural habitat. This is a game-changer.”

“Nah,” said the Local Animal Whisperer. “The real real miracle is that the raptor didn’t eat anyone. My concern is this: where there’s a timeraptor, there’s bound to be a velociraptor and a spaceraptor, too. I’m not looking forward to the day we find either of those.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 22nd Edition: Don’t cross the streams

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Please disregard the video footage aired by our broadcast team during the Assembly of Chosen’s Marathon of Remarks this week. It was accidentally misdirected from an alternate universe and formatted to fit your TV.

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The strange broadcast came through in landscape orientation with only 2D data, like something out of the 2000-aughts. Photo credit

The board noticed halfway through the Marathon that their counterparts on the broadcast monitor were wearing the wrong outfits. At first they believed the footage had originated at a prior meeting, one at which Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk was wearing a white sweater instead of a black one. But then She-Chosen Kaia Dennis noticed that her counterpart seemed to have a robotic arm.

“I never had a robotic body mod – not that there’s anything wrong with that,” said Dennis. “But that’s definitely not me.”

The broadcast technician, Miike “Jax” Jackson, pulled up the footage on his laptop and was surprised to find that it had been recorded in the old-fashioned horizontal orientation using twentieth-century two-dimensional graphics. There did not seem to be any hologram data attached to the files.

There was, however, audio, and what the board heard left them deeply rattled.

“That’s not me,” Dennis said again. “But that’s my voice! And my face. And that’s Mevin’s voice and face, and Saul and Gene and Jiles. Who are these people, and how did they manage to steal not just one identity, but the entire board’s?”

The content of the alternate board’s discussion was equally baffling. Members spoke of helping Cedar Acres (“Do they mean Achey Cedars?” asked Kirk), of replacing Town Hall (“But we just rebuilt the Temple,” objected Dennis), and of noise complaints at an establishment called the “Cohasset Harbor Inn.”

“He said Coh,” noticed He-Chosen Saul Preston. “Co-hasset, not Faux-hasset. And they keep calling themselves the ‘Board of Selectmen.’ I think, somehow, we’ve picked up a transmission from some other dimension – some other Fauxhasset.”

At that moment, Jax swore audibly.

“I know what happened,” said Jax. “Somewhere out there, there’s a town called ‘Cohasset’ that’s extremely confused about the meeting that aired on their TVs tonight. I’m sorry; this is my fault. I broke the most important rule of broadcasting: Don’t cross the streams!”

The information contained in the alien broadcast may be hazardous to your mental health. Complimentary memory modification will be provided to all affected Fauxhasset residents. No action is required at this time. If you were watching, we know about it. The Panic Brigade will be paying you a visit this weekend.

If you saw the broadcast and have not had your memory modified by Monday, please contact police immediately.