Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Put On Your Tinfoil Hats

Dear Editor,

I did it. I DID IT FAUXHASSET. I GOT THEM. I SO GOT THEM. Where do I begin? Okay, you might think I’m crazy but I swear the pieces fit. I remember 50 years ago like it was last week. I’m sure most of us do. It WAS last week.

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If you’re worried about conspiracy theories, be sure to get your regulation-grade tinfoil hat from the Panic Brigade. Don’t be like Harriet. Do NOT attempt to improvise. | Photo credit

Anyway, I was at the meeting when that Father Timeraptor passed through the Assembly of Chosen. I was like, fifteen at the time and my mom was at the meeting. I was crushing pretty hard on this guy Gabriel so I wasn’t really listening since his parents had brought him to the meeting too. But. BUT. I remember the AoC talking about needing to replace the Temple and a few other buildings around town and being disappointed that the voting fell through. And then. AND THEN? What should show up? A timeraptor! One powerful enough to age all of Fauxhasset. Isn’t it just too a little too convenient that this raptor passed through town and pretty much trashed not only the Temple, but all the other buildings in town too? It’s almost like someone, or an assembly of someones, WANTED the raptor to age all the buildings. After all, we all know that once you stop maintaining a building, that’s pretty much just the owners TRYING to get it torn down. I’m going to let you all drink that in, as I’m on my way to the next meeting of the Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders, where I will be voicing my strong disapproval of using out tax funding to replace anything. That would just be playing into the AoC’s plans after all. (Even if the town is now a dump.)

Harriet Leads

P.S. Apparently Gabe and I ended up getting married sometime in the last 50 years. It’s kinda weird being married to someone you’ve never actually spoken to before, but we’re making it work.  

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Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: The Sobby Story Of Sobby Raint-John

Dear Editor,

I read the paper last week and saw that stupid letter that claimed I was lost in the Waffle House. Yeah, no. First, can you say propaganda? Second, that place is a miracle. Third, I did not disappear and I’m pretty sure there has been crime in Fauxhasset. But, you see, I’m the one who has been filling in for all 26 or whatever number of jobs Devan Branch used to have since he became a full-time Jedi and started the HUMAN Society. I just don’t have the time or energy to write about anything right now.

The last few weeks or months or something have been filled with constant on-the-job training. Devin was the Rookie Ranger for the Womp and now that responsibility has fallen on me. That place is such a mess without him, and with it being mid-summer ALL THE TIME now (thanks, Fauxsutawney Fil), it requires SO MUCH attention. I’m pretty sure I have Lime Disease again too. No, not Lyme Disease. Lime Disease. Like Scurvy. Because Devan was ALSO a part-time PIRATE.

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WHERE’S MY KINDLY JEDI MASTER, DEVAN BRANCH??? | Photo credit

Let’s also not forget that Devan was a part-time Jedi. I’ll be honest, that’s the only reason I’m doing all this. Once he was promoted, I got his old training light saber. But, there are like a million questions I have that nobody can answer. How long does the battery on this take to charge? I’ve left it plugged in for like 48 hours and I still don’t know how to turn it on. Is it safe? Can I take it on a plane or does it have one of those banned lithium-ion batteries?

And oh yeah, did any of you remember that Devan was a part-time minstrel, too? I sure didn’t when I volunteered for to fill his shoes! The only reason I had time to write this letter is I’m going to use it for the song I am working on right now. Verbatim.

I wake up in a cold sweat everyday because I’m sure I forgot to go to one of the dozens of jobs he had. Devan. HOW DID YOU DO IT ALL?!? AM I GETTING PAID FOR ANY OF THIS?

Sincerely, miserably, and with the utmost respect and exhaustion,
Sobby Raint-John

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: O.K.O.K. Not O.K.

Hey Fauxhasset, can we have a serious chat for just a second? Since the O.K.O.K. Café closed, there have been a lot of so-so eateries in and out of that location. Some of us were even content with every one of them (I’m looking at you Chompsky), but really? A Waffle House?

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Darth Vader is serving up his own son’s hand on a platter, and you want me to believe this place isn’t a den of evil sickos? | Photo credit

I don’t care if it’s some kind of interdimensional Waffle House wishing well. Just because a cat has kittens in the oven doesn’t make them biscuits; a Waffle House is still a Waffle House, and that makes it a gateway to more than just waffles – it’s a gateway to drugs and crime.

This Waffle House in particular is a gateway to extraterrestrial drugs, interdimensional crime, and literally who knows where?! In February we all read the story of the aliens being arrested at the Waffle House. I wasn’t surprised – and can any of you honestly say that you were?

While I know there have been fewer and fewer stories in the police blotter, there is a simple explanation for this lack of coverage. The Paroder’s crime correspondent Sobby Raint-John went to investigate the Waffle House with Crompson and she never came back, so of course we are seeing fewer crime stories.

Honestly though, I just thought we as a community were better than this, and that’s what I find the most disappointing. I think it’s time we faced the truth: Only the O.K.O.K. Café was O.K. enough.

Poe Phoe