Fauxhasset Paroder, 89th Edition: Space(raptor) Case

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) and a well-trained velociraptor have been released from prison on the condition that they lead the charge to track down a problematic timeraptor that passed through town looking for its son last month, aging everyone in town by 50 years.

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Step 1: Find baby spaceraptor. Step 2: Father Timeraptor will follow. Foolproof! | Photo credit

The LAW and the velociraptor, which he claims to be his service animal, have been in jail since January, when they were found guilty of conspiring with local hotelier Ord Girdlehyde to tear open the fabric of space and let thousands of aliens into our fine town.

The Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) agreed that, despite his criminal past, the LAW could bring unique and valuable knowledge to the present circumstances, so they brought him before the board at their last meeting to share everything he knew about raptors.

“The first think you’ve got to understand about raptors is, they’re very concerned with family,” said the LAW. “That’s why this Father Timeraptor made such a mess looking for his son. I think, if we can get his son to come back to Fauxhasset, we can get the Father to come back too – and hopefully fix this mess he’s made.”

The LAW believes that the “Father” in question is none other than the timeraptor that reproduced with his velociraptor to create that spatial rift over Castle Girdlehausen in the wetlands last December.

“He was just a young timeraptor back then,” said the LAW. “But, well, you know how dads are superheroes. Now that he’s a Father Timeraptor, he’s gained much more power, which is why he had such a massive effect on the town. I don’t think he meant to hurt anyone.”

The “son,” of course, would be the spaceraptor that was born along with the rift – and not, as the Paroder first theorized, a younger timeraptor. The LAW said it all comes down to the oddities of the raptor reproductive cycle and the complex mathematics of a race with three biological sexes.

“To start with,” he said, “velociraptors are born when a distance-raptor (colloquially known as a spaceraptor) is placed over a timeraptor. Meanwhile, multiplying a timeraptor and a velociraptor creates a baby spaceraptor – along with precisely the type of spatial rift that appeared in Fauxhasset’s wetlands last winter.”

The LAW was unable to provide a “TL;DR” for the Paroder when asked.

“It’s just distance over time equals velocity,” he said gruffly. “Even Steer Mill kids know that.”

The LAW believes that, if he can find the baby spaceraptor, then baby-daddy timeraptor will come back to get it. Several aliens, which were not affected by the time-shift, volunteered to help the LAW in this endeavor.

“We are the most able-bodied people in town at this time,” said one alien who attended the meeting, named ρяΐиͼε. “We also feel this is an opportunity to show that our true intentions toward the people of Fauxhasset are nothing but helpfulness and goodwill. If this were not so, we would simply let all of you get old and die so we could inherit this most perfect place in the universe.”

The LAW, his velociraptor, and a team of five aliens, including ρяΐиͼε and Fauxhasset’s first alien resident, ϨΔиϮα, set out directly after the meeting to begin searching for the spaceraptor. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 69th Edition: Womp, Womp

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s a Christmas miracle! The Womp has, in a rare moment of mercy, returned the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) to the ranks of his fellow Fauxhassians.

Of course, in true Womp fashion, that’s not all that Radiation State Park has given our town today. The LAW emerged from the heart of the forest riding on a velociraptor. Fleeing before the pair in terror were hundreds of tiny deer the size of field mice, each with a tiny, Rudolph-red nose.

The effect was that of a bearded man astride a dinosaur floating epically into town on a phosphorescent red sea. One can hardly blame Father Mumblehill and his apostles for mistaking them for the second coming of Christ.

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Easy mistake to make. Photo credit

The faction was out in force at the entrance to the Womp, with perfume and buckets of sudsy water with which they planned to wash the Lord’s feet, as well as an electrical massage chair for the Savior to recline in while receiving his full pedicure.

Fortunately, the world did not end, and Fauxhasset now has an animal whisperer again – as well as a valued member of the community back from the dead (admit it; you all assumed he was dead).

“We are thankful the Lord has seen fit to let us live another day,” said Father Mumblehill. “Although admittedly, I’m rather disappointed. I was hoping he would sign my Bible. Ah, well. The apocalypse will catch up to us all soon enough.”

The velociraptor is being kept at Captain America’s School for the Awesome, displacing students to the adjacent, rival lower elementary school, Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes Into Snowflakes.

The LAW promised that the accommodations would be temporary, but said that the velociraptor needed ample space and the ice castle at Princess Elsa’s would not have been a suitable environment for the dinosaur’s composition, which is accustomed to the warmer climate of prehistoric Earth.

Students were not happy about the arrangements but agreed to put up with the situation temporarily.

“The boys are all saying how terrible it is that they have to live in our beautiful ice palace and sing ‘Let It Go’ every morning,” said Princess Elsa’s spokeschild Dooey Lembas. “But we girls see it as an opportunity. Santa is watching extra close this time of year, so we’re all going to be on our best behavior.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 65th Edition: Oh Deer Deer Deer Deer Deer Deer Deer Deer

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s that time of year, folks: deer are moving outside of their normal territories and habits in search of mating partners, which may bring them into closer contact with humans.

Last fall, police responded to no fewer than 42 deer-related car accidents in the months of November and December. Incidentally, 42 was also the number of antlers each of those deer had sprouting from its head, leading residents and experts alike to label them “monsters,” “beasts,” and “demons.”

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Artist’s rendering of what Fauxhasset residents’ pets could look like if infected by the mutant deer. | Photo credit

The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) claimed to have “slain the beast” last winter – as if there had only been one, and as if such a creature could be slain. No – what LAW did was wrestle a light saber from a local part-time Jedi and use it to inhumanely part the creature from its crown of antlers, thereby giving experts the opportunity to count them – but at what cost?

Readers, you will remember that the Womp took the LAW for its own this past summer. Perhaps now we begin to grasp why.

Last year’s mutant deer met a happier fate. The population seems to have had a successful mating season and spawned a new, more wondrous and terrible generation – giving birth not to live young separate from their own bodies, but to dozens of tiny deer affixed to the tips of their antlers.

Police advise that drivers be extra watchful on the roads – and please, for the love of Jobs, put down the iPhone Ω while operating your vehicle. Witnesses have reported encountering these deer through the new device’s alternate reality interface, leaving them shaken at best and sobbing into a pint of Jen & Berry’s strawberry potato chip ice cream in a therapist’s office three times a week at worst.

Reportedly, the alternate reality interface maps the deer’s true form onto an animated one, which dances and sings infectious karaoke tunes. At least seven victims have been infected with that erstwhile earworm, “Trevor Gonna Live You Up” by Brick Ashley.

We repeat, DO NOT look at the deer with your iPhone Ω. Encounter them wild and unfiltered, as nature never intended them to be. Behold the abomination with your naked eyeballs.

The Regional Animal Whisperer (RAW) urges residents to “live and let live” with regard to the deer, no matter how frightening they may appear. “Let nature run its course,” the RAW advised.

There is, however, a contingent of activists who believe the mutants should be hunted to the point of extinction before next year rolls around to reveal what fresh horrors the next generation will bring.

Will these fractal antlers continue to grow until each deer carries thousands of young upon its head? Or will something even more unthinkable happen, putting the citizens of our fine town at risk? Many pet owners are concerned that their furry friends could become infected by whatever is creating this Fibonacci offspring effect and are urging town officials to act before it’s too late.

What do you think? If any of our fine, educated readers have comments, concerns or ideas, please sound off in the comments section!