By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
It’s a Christmas miracle! The Womp has, in a rare moment of mercy, returned the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) to the ranks of his fellow Fauxhassians.
Of course, in true Womp fashion, that’s not all that Radiation State Park has given our town today. The LAW emerged from the heart of the forest riding on a velociraptor. Fleeing before the pair in terror were hundreds of tiny deer the size of field mice, each with a tiny, Rudolph-red nose.
The effect was that of a bearded man astride a dinosaur floating epically into town on a phosphorescent red sea. One can hardly blame Father Mumblehill and his apostles for mistaking them for the second coming of Christ.
The faction was out in force at the entrance to the Womp, with perfume and buckets of sudsy water with which they planned to wash the Lord’s feet, as well as an electrical massage chair for the Savior to recline in while receiving his full pedicure.
Fortunately, the world did not end, and Fauxhasset now has an animal whisperer again – as well as a valued member of the community back from the dead (admit it; you all assumed he was dead).
“We are thankful the Lord has seen fit to let us live another day,” said Father Mumblehill. “Although admittedly, I’m rather disappointed. I was hoping he would sign my Bible. Ah, well. The apocalypse will catch up to us all soon enough.”
The velociraptor is being kept at Captain America’s School for the Awesome, displacing students to the adjacent, rival lower elementary school, Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes Into Snowflakes.
The LAW promised that the accommodations would be temporary, but said that the velociraptor needed ample space and the ice castle at Princess Elsa’s would not have been a suitable environment for the dinosaur’s composition, which is accustomed to the warmer climate of prehistoric Earth.
Students were not happy about the arrangements but agreed to put up with the situation temporarily.
“The boys are all saying how terrible it is that they have to live in our beautiful ice palace and sing ‘Let It Go’ every morning,” said Princess Elsa’s spokeschild Dooey Lembas. “But we girls see it as an opportunity. Santa is watching extra close this time of year, so we’re all going to be on our best behavior.”