By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) and a well-trained velociraptor have been released from prison on the condition that they lead the charge to track down a problematic timeraptor that passed through town looking for its son last month, aging everyone in town by 50 years.
The LAW and the velociraptor, which he claims to be his service animal, have been in jail since January, when they were found guilty of conspiring with local hotelier Ord Girdlehyde to tear open the fabric of space and let thousands of aliens into our fine town.
The Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) agreed that, despite his criminal past, the LAW could bring unique and valuable knowledge to the present circumstances, so they brought him before the board at their last meeting to share everything he knew about raptors.
“The first think you’ve got to understand about raptors is, they’re very concerned with family,” said the LAW. “That’s why this Father Timeraptor made such a mess looking for his son. I think, if we can get his son to come back to Fauxhasset, we can get the Father to come back too – and hopefully fix this mess he’s made.”
The LAW believes that the “Father” in question is none other than the timeraptor that reproduced with his velociraptor to create that spatial rift over Castle Girdlehausen in the wetlands last December.
“He was just a young timeraptor back then,” said the LAW. “But, well, you know how dads are superheroes. Now that he’s a Father Timeraptor, he’s gained much more power, which is why he had such a massive effect on the town. I don’t think he meant to hurt anyone.”
The “son,” of course, would be the spaceraptor that was born along with the rift – and not, as the Paroder first theorized, a younger timeraptor. The LAW said it all comes down to the oddities of the raptor reproductive cycle and the complex mathematics of a race with three biological sexes.
“To start with,” he said, “velociraptors are born when a distance-raptor (colloquially known as a spaceraptor) is placed over a timeraptor. Meanwhile, multiplying a timeraptor and a velociraptor creates a baby spaceraptor – along with precisely the type of spatial rift that appeared in Fauxhasset’s wetlands last winter.”
The LAW was unable to provide a “TL;DR” for the Paroder when asked.
“It’s just distance over time equals velocity,” he said gruffly. “Even Steer Mill kids know that.”
The LAW believes that, if he can find the baby spaceraptor, then baby-daddy timeraptor will come back to get it. Several aliens, which were not affected by the time-shift, volunteered to help the LAW in this endeavor.
“We are the most able-bodied people in town at this time,” said one alien who attended the meeting, named ρяΐиͼε. “We also feel this is an opportunity to show that our true intentions toward the people of Fauxhasset are nothing but helpfulness and goodwill. If this were not so, we would simply let all of you get old and die so we could inherit this most perfect place in the universe.”
The LAW, his velociraptor, and a team of five aliens, including ρяΐиͼε and Fauxhasset’s first alien resident, ϨΔиϮα, set out directly after the meeting to begin searching for the spaceraptor. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.