Fauxhasset Paroder, 52nd Edition: Everything is Connected

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

triangle

Come on, Buster; what kind of map is this? All the street names are spelled wrong. “Jerusalem Road?” “Atlantic Ave?” Everyone knows its “Mecca Mile” and “Atlantis Boulevard.”

This was going to be a good news story, Fauxhasset. Achey Cedars Way was finally going to be paved this week, after three decades of potholes and patchwork.

Instead, when contractors went to pulverize the existing roadway, they found something disturbing underneath: more strange symbols, painted in a familiar gleaming red that experts still have failed to confirm is not blood.

Like the symbols found at the 8 Lame Jane’s condos and on Fame Island, these depicted an eight-pointed compass rose and an astrological diagram, joined by an acute angle. But they also indicated something far more sinister than either of the previous two findings: not only is there some sort of weird occult conspiracy going on in Fauxhasset, but there has been for more than 30 years.

Neighbors panicked. Three families up and left without even packing their belongings. Others once again booked an extended stay at the Mad Elephant Hotel. And owner Ord Girdlehyde, philanthropist that he is, once again took them in free of charge.

Town Manager Mown Tanager did his best to calm everybody.

“In a way, it’s kind of comforting,” said Tanager. “This has been here for thirty years, maybe even longer, and nobody even knew about it. Same with the one at Lame Jane’s. I won’t deny they look bad, but if they were going to summon demons or something, don’t you think they would’ve done it by now?”

“IT SWALLOWED MY BROTHER,” bellowed Dooey Lembas, a student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes, whose younger brother Shorty fell into a pothole while playing in the street last December and never came out.

Tanager looked conflicted, but Dooey’s parents pulled her into the Escalade with her seven remaining brothers and drove off before the Town Manager could respond.

The Paroder reached out to paranormal consultant Buster DeGost, who has followed some of the strange goings-on in Fauxhasset since Shorty disappeared last winter.

“You said this angle points west?” DeGost said. Frantic scribbling could be heard on the other end of the line. “It’s a triangle. Achey Cedars, 8 Lame Jane, and Fame Island – they’re all exactly a mile apart. They form a perfect triangle. And all the other paranormal activity is happening inside it.”

It’s true: the black hole in the harbor, the Hallowed Burrow that coughed up Fauxsutawney Fil instead of our beloved groundhog this Feb. 2, the space-time rift that has been muddling the duration of public meetings at the Temple (and briefly unleashed a time-raptor at the Semiannual Spring Séance) – all of these events were clustered neatly within the triangular framework DeGost supplied by email.

What does it all mean?

“Hell if I know,” said DeGost, “but I’ll look into it.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 44th Edition: Sticky symbolism

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Paranormal consultant Buster DeGost has made another troubling discovery, this time at Fame Island. The former ghostbuster climbed to the Space Mountain tunnel where Punxsutawney Phil was found trapped last week and discovered more strange symbols painted on the floor of the cave.

01mlcbi

Nothing bad could possibly come of this, right? …..right? Photo credit

The complex diagram is painted in gleaming red, which looks fresh yet is dry to the touch. It depicts an eight-pointed star intersecting some sort of astrological calendar. Both are bisected by straight lines, which come together to form an acute angle pointing north-northeast.

“It’s the same diagram we found at 8 Lame Jane’s,” said DeGost. “And the same damn red paint – or blood, still don’t know which – but either way, it doesn’t respond to turpentine or any other paint removal agent on the market. And chipping away the actual stone doesn’t do anything either.”

To prove it, DeGost chiseled out a bit of the painted stone and held it up to the light. The stone now appeared gray, like the walls of the cave. The red marks remained unblemished on the floor.

“I’m still not convinced these markings have a demonic origin,” said DeGost, “but there’s definitely something otherworldly behind them. I would advise the public to leave investigations to the professionals. Ah… professional, that is. Guess it’s just me now, isn’t it?”

DeGost was originally retained by the Town to study the impossible dimensions of the Lame Jane townhomes after officials discovered the units were larger inside than out. After being fired by his firm for “wild speculations” (and dissing the company Christmas party), DeGost stayed on to conduct his own private investigation.

The Paroder caught up with JJ Henry, 8 Lame Jane developer, and Ord Girdlehyde, owner of Pacifica, Ye Olde Pepper Mill, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor (he’s kind of a big deal) to see if they’d noticed anything when they discovered Phil in the cave on Easter morning.

“It was too bright,” Henry recalled. “Phil was glowing – we were a bit blinded. And, frankly, we were just happy that winter would finally be ending now that we’d found him. It was really bad for Ord’s business, and we couldn’t make any headway with construction under all those thousands of inches of snow.”

“Perhaps you should ask Phil,” suggested Girdlehyde. “He was in there for a long time. Perhaps he made the markings, or knows where they came from. He is, after all, a god.”

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Lame Jane condos

Dear Editor,

Normally I would not take the time to write to your paper, as I am busy man. However, your last issue had me absolutely floored. Imagine my surprise when I opened the paper to see your mysterious eight pointed symbol, only to find that the paper did not even know the nature of this iconography. As a religious teacher at the Flaxen-Mary Abbey and longtime self-taught religious scholar, I felt it was my duty to inform your readers to its true purpose and the possible danger that awaits Fauxhasset.

There is no doubt in my mind that the symbol is one from the Egyptian religious mythos. Specifically, it can only be the “Star of Ishtar.”  I am sure my equally educated peers will agree, but for your readers, I will give a small backstory of the Goddess Ishtar.

455a49dba4e060a3af6b1821fff1d1fd

Ishtar is one of the lesser known false deities worshipped in the Egyptian tradition. Photo credit

Some scholars believe Ishtar was more than an Egyptian goddess. She possibly could have been a regional deity of both Northern Africa and the Middle East. 

Any encyclopedia will mention that Ishtar was a goddess of many things: of power, war,  love (both in the traditional sense and the pleasures of the flesh), and of course fertility. Most importantly, she is linked to tales of the underworld. 

The Star of Ishtar, her symbol, is well-known to be an eight-pointed star, as people of the time were fascinated by the simple geometric shape of the octagon. But these eight points have yet another meaning more relevant to Lame Jane’s curious housing woes.

It is believed in Egyptian Mythology that eight gates separate the world of the living from the world of the dead. Now, normally, this is the god Osiris’ domain. In several myths however, Ishtar is noted to have control over these gates. It is one such myth, in which she opens the gates and threatens to unleash the dead upon the living, that I find the most troubling.

Putting aside the fact that Heaven and Hell are the only true afterlives, I believe someone is trying to use the Star to summon forth an army of the dead.

As a religious scholar, I can speak with confidence about the afterlife from the perspective of several religions. One commonly accepted theory is that the afterlife is a large plane of existence (how else would it contain all the souls of everyone who has died since the creation of the world?). This would fully explain why the houses at Lame Jane seem bigger on the inside: They truly are, for the Star has linked the mortal plane with that of the afterlife. 

At this point, I fear I have wasted far too much time writing this. If the Paroder asks me to write a fuller account of the possible dangers to your town, perhaps I will. I can only encourage you all to stay vigilant and, of course, pray.

Father Mumblehill, Flaxen-Mary Abbey, Kingham