By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Following the memorial service for Father Mumblehill of the Flaxen Mary Abbey, the Father’s five apostles discovered a bizarre grimoire of sorts while cleaning out his office. Entitled “The Book of Apocalypses,” it describes in great detail no less than 792 ways that the world could end horrifically.
The apostles confirmed the handwriting was Mumblehill’s, but denied having seen the tome before.
“This was likely something he worked on privately in the long hours he spent keeping vigil in the bell tower,” said Jean-Luc Matthews, one of the Father’s devoted students. “It was not for us to know how he spent those long, dark, solitary nights. That was between him and the Lord.”
The apostles declined to share the contents of the volume, saying that the events described were too dark for average minds unprotected by the holy power and calling of God – but rest assured, they said, that none of them shall come to pass. The apostles have dedicated themselves to studying each apocalypse, determining its cause, and counteracting that cause before it can end the world.
“We will carry that burden for the people of Fauxhasset, with the Lord’s help,” said Ezekiel Henderson, another of Mumblehill’s students. “We do not need to darken their minds with the terrible possibilities described between these covers. I fear we have already said too much.”
The apostles confirmed that they had already prevented four apocalypses just over the course of the weekend. They are now working on accelerating the re-re-development of the residences at 8 Lame Jane’s (following the development’s destruction by fire last fall) so that units can be sold and trespassers kept off the ruins, where Mumblehill believed that Satantic rituals were being conducted.
“We’re not completely convinced that moving tenants in will put a stop to the otherworldly activity on this site,” admitted Calvin Johnson, another of Mumblehill’s protégés, “but it’s the best plan we’ve got. We’ll probably make it Affordable Housing just in case the site is permanently cursed. People will put up with anything if the price is right.”
Fauxhasset, these gentlemen have a staggering task ahead of them which literally none of us could comprehend or even imagine in our wildest nightmares. I’m sure we at the Paroder speak for the whole community when we send our thoughts and prayers their way.