Fauxhasset Paroder, 52nd Edition: Everything is Connected

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

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Come on, Buster; what kind of map is this? All the street names are spelled wrong. “Jerusalem Road?” “Atlantic Ave?” Everyone knows its “Mecca Mile” and “Atlantis Boulevard.”

This was going to be a good news story, Fauxhasset. Achey Cedars Way was finally going to be paved this week, after three decades of potholes and patchwork.

Instead, when contractors went to pulverize the existing roadway, they found something disturbing underneath: more strange symbols, painted in a familiar gleaming red that experts still have failed to confirm is not blood.

Like the symbols found at the 8 Lame Jane’s condos and on Fame Island, these depicted an eight-pointed compass rose and an astrological diagram, joined by an acute angle. But they also indicated something far more sinister than either of the previous two findings: not only is there some sort of weird occult conspiracy going on in Fauxhasset, but there has been for more than 30 years.

Neighbors panicked. Three families up and left without even packing their belongings. Others once again booked an extended stay at the Mad Elephant Hotel. And owner Ord Girdlehyde, philanthropist that he is, once again took them in free of charge.

Town Manager Mown Tanager did his best to calm everybody.

“In a way, it’s kind of comforting,” said Tanager. “This has been here for thirty years, maybe even longer, and nobody even knew about it. Same with the one at Lame Jane’s. I won’t deny they look bad, but if they were going to summon demons or something, don’t you think they would’ve done it by now?”

“IT SWALLOWED MY BROTHER,” bellowed Dooey Lembas, a student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes, whose younger brother Shorty fell into a pothole while playing in the street last December and never came out.

Tanager looked conflicted, but Dooey’s parents pulled her into the Escalade with her seven remaining brothers and drove off before the Town Manager could respond.

The Paroder reached out to paranormal consultant Buster DeGost, who has followed some of the strange goings-on in Fauxhasset since Shorty disappeared last winter.

“You said this angle points west?” DeGost said. Frantic scribbling could be heard on the other end of the line. “It’s a triangle. Achey Cedars, 8 Lame Jane, and Fame Island – they’re all exactly a mile apart. They form a perfect triangle. And all the other paranormal activity is happening inside it.”

It’s true: the black hole in the harbor, the Hallowed Burrow that coughed up Fauxsutawney Fil instead of our beloved groundhog this Feb. 2, the space-time rift that has been muddling the duration of public meetings at the Temple (and briefly unleashed a time-raptor at the Semiannual Spring Séance) – all of these events were clustered neatly within the triangular framework DeGost supplied by email.

What does it all mean?

“Hell if I know,” said DeGost, “but I’ll look into it.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 35th Edition: Street’s appetite sated?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously, on Achey Cedars Way]

After months camped out on Achey Cedars Way, paranormal investigator Buster DeGost has declared the pothole threat “expired.”

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The road that ate a child, a Mini Cooper, and a UPS truck in December seems to have lost its appetite, experts say. Photo credit

“This sort of dimensional rift typically operates at a one-to-one ratio,” DeGost explained. “If something falls in from this dimension, something else from the other dimension will come through to replace it.”

Several months ago, Fauxhasset lost a Mini Cooper, a UPS delivery truck, and a child – Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome – to a large, hungry pothole on Achey Cedars. Meanwhile, it gained a spaceship and a person (the Alien ϨΔиϮα).

DeGost has been waiting since December for a third item to come through, but the pothole seems to have gone dormant, leading DeGost to conclude that, whatever the item might be, it had already appeared before he started keeping watch.

DeGost said that the item is most likely harmless to our dimension and he isn’t worried about finding it. Residents of the cul de sac should feel “100 percent confident” returning to their homes (the Mad Elephant Hotel has been hosting Achey Cedars residents free of charge since December).

“I don’t trust anyone who tells me how confident I should be, especially if that number is 100 percent,” said one resident, lounging near the hotel pool and swirling a glass of red wine.

“Don’t tell my dad,” said another – one of the eight remaining Lembas children – as he tested blue and fuchsia dance lights in the ballroom. “This place is lit. Ever since the cops busted up that rager on Whelming Street, the coyotes have been having their parties here instead. Those guys are animals.”

Shorty’s only sister, Dooey, said she couldn’t wait to get back home.

“I’m really glad Buster’s been keeping an eye on the pothole and I’m sure he’s doing a great job,” said Dooey, “but I should have been doing that. It’s my fault Shorty fell in there. I know Buster thinks the portal’s closed, but I’m not giving up.”

Contractors were previously unable to patch the pothole, as it seemed to have a bottomless appetite for asphalt, but it has now been filled and leveled, and several residents moved back in over the weekend.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 32nd Edition: World of Peacecraft

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously at Hound Hook Dam]

After single-handedly protecting the town from the goblin threat at Hound Hook Dam, Police Chief Stephen Quill has also single-handedly forged a peace treaty with the underground colony.

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“So… shake on it?” Photo credit

“We’re gonna get our equipment out of their front yard, they’re gonna finish building the culvert, and then we’re both gonna go back to living our separate lives,” Quill reported.

“They’re not charging us for the labor. All they want from us is to go away. Meanwhile, goblin work apparently lasts for hundreds, if not thousands, of years, so we won’t have to repair this again in our lifetimes.”

The treaty stated that the goblins would complete construction of the subbase, culvert and roadway to their own specifications, using their own undisclosed materials and ancient goblin methods now remembered only by a few.

The goblins were unleashed last month when a backhoe cracked into one of their tunnels during construction on the ancient culvert. If Quill hadn’t been nearby, Fauxhasset might well have been overrun by its secret subterranean population.

Despite that, Quill insists that the goblins are peaceful.

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According to Quill, goblins are sensitive, misunderstood creatures. Photo credit

“They swarmed because they felt threatened – and who can blame them?” said Quill. “Turns out the subbase of the culvert is somebody’s living room ceiling.”

The family whose living room was destroyed originally planned to sue the Town. However, they said they would drop the lawsuit if the Town removed its contractors and equipment from the area at once.

“We see everything,” the Goblin King told the Paroder in an exclusive interview. “We know your leaders followed due process to acquire easements from surface dwellers abutting the project. That courtesy was not extended to us.”

Officials said they genuinely hadn’t known about the tunnels underneath the dam – or about the goblin population at all – and were not trying to discriminate or treat the goblins unfairly.

But that answer didn’t satisfy the king. “It hasn’t been that long,” he said. “My father helped build that subbase – oh, what was it, five hundred years ago? Awfully short time to forget a whole species.”

Fortunately, the king took a liking to the police details who have been stationed at the collapsed tunnel since January, and Quill was able to negotiate the agreement.

“It’s a win-win-win-win,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “The goblins get to remodel their living room – to their specifications. They get us out of their hair. We get them out of ours. And we get a whole new bridge and culvert system as a parting gift.

The goblins have asked the Town to remove all contractors and construction equipment from their roof within 10 days, or the peace treaty is off and the colony will swarm.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.