Fauxhasset Paroder, 35th Edition: Street’s appetite sated?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously, on Achey Cedars Way]

After months camped out on Achey Cedars Way, paranormal investigator Buster DeGost has declared the pothole threat “expired.”

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The road that ate a child, a Mini Cooper, and a UPS truck in December seems to have lost its appetite, experts say. Photo credit

“This sort of dimensional rift typically operates at a one-to-one ratio,” DeGost explained. “If something falls in from this dimension, something else from the other dimension will come through to replace it.”

Several months ago, Fauxhasset lost a Mini Cooper, a UPS delivery truck, and a child – Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome – to a large, hungry pothole on Achey Cedars. Meanwhile, it gained a spaceship and a person (the Alien ϨΔиϮα).

DeGost has been waiting since December for a third item to come through, but the pothole seems to have gone dormant, leading DeGost to conclude that, whatever the item might be, it had already appeared before he started keeping watch.

DeGost said that the item is most likely harmless to our dimension and he isn’t worried about finding it. Residents of the cul de sac should feel “100 percent confident” returning to their homes (the Mad Elephant Hotel has been hosting Achey Cedars residents free of charge since December).

“I don’t trust anyone who tells me how confident I should be, especially if that number is 100 percent,” said one resident, lounging near the hotel pool and swirling a glass of red wine.

“Don’t tell my dad,” said another – one of the eight remaining Lembas children – as he tested blue and fuchsia dance lights in the ballroom. “This place is lit. Ever since the cops busted up that rager on Whelming Street, the coyotes have been having their parties here instead. Those guys are animals.”

Shorty’s only sister, Dooey, said she couldn’t wait to get back home.

“I’m really glad Buster’s been keeping an eye on the pothole and I’m sure he’s doing a great job,” said Dooey, “but I should have been doing that. It’s my fault Shorty fell in there. I know Buster thinks the portal’s closed, but I’m not giving up.”

Contractors were previously unable to patch the pothole, as it seemed to have a bottomless appetite for asphalt, but it has now been filled and leveled, and several residents moved back in over the weekend.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 32nd Edition: World of Peacecraft

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously at Hound Hook Dam]

After single-handedly protecting the town from the goblin threat at Hound Hook Dam, Police Chief Stephen Quill has also single-handedly forged a peace treaty with the underground colony.

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“So… shake on it?” Photo credit

“We’re gonna get our equipment out of their front yard, they’re gonna finish building the culvert, and then we’re both gonna go back to living our separate lives,” Quill reported.

“They’re not charging us for the labor. All they want from us is to go away. Meanwhile, goblin work apparently lasts for hundreds, if not thousands, of years, so we won’t have to repair this again in our lifetimes.”

The treaty stated that the goblins would complete construction of the subbase, culvert and roadway to their own specifications, using their own undisclosed materials and ancient goblin methods now remembered only by a few.

The goblins were unleashed last month when a backhoe cracked into one of their tunnels during construction on the ancient culvert. If Quill hadn’t been nearby, Fauxhasset might well have been overrun by its secret subterranean population.

Despite that, Quill insists that the goblins are peaceful.

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According to Quill, goblins are sensitive, misunderstood creatures. Photo credit

“They swarmed because they felt threatened – and who can blame them?” said Quill. “Turns out the subbase of the culvert is somebody’s living room ceiling.”

The family whose living room was destroyed originally planned to sue the Town. However, they said they would drop the lawsuit if the Town removed its contractors and equipment from the area at once.

“We see everything,” the Goblin King told the Paroder in an exclusive interview. “We know your leaders followed due process to acquire easements from surface dwellers abutting the project. That courtesy was not extended to us.”

Officials said they genuinely hadn’t known about the tunnels underneath the dam – or about the goblin population at all – and were not trying to discriminate or treat the goblins unfairly.

But that answer didn’t satisfy the king. “It hasn’t been that long,” he said. “My father helped build that subbase – oh, what was it, five hundred years ago? Awfully short time to forget a whole species.”

Fortunately, the king took a liking to the police details who have been stationed at the collapsed tunnel since January, and Quill was able to negotiate the agreement.

“It’s a win-win-win-win,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “The goblins get to remodel their living room – to their specifications. They get us out of their hair. We get them out of ours. And we get a whole new bridge and culvert system as a parting gift.

The goblins have asked the Town to remove all contractors and construction equipment from their roof within 10 days, or the peace treaty is off and the colony will swarm.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 11th Edition: Holy potholes, Batman!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

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Achey Cedars residents said they’ve been asking the town for help with potholes ever since they found a gator in one back in 1999. Photo credit

BREAKING: Residents of Achey Cedars Way are being evacuated after reports came in that the street was “eating children.”

On the scene, petrified parents clung to each other and their remaining children (which turned out to be all but one of them) while gazing into the depths of a ten-foot-wide pothole.

“Doesn’t that look bigger than last night?” said a man in a suit, swirling a glass of red wine. His neighbors agreed that the pothole did seem larger and began to discuss, carefully out of your reporter’s earshot, who they could sue for this, and for how much.

According to police, Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome, had tripped and fallen into the pothole and then completely disappeared.

Police said the emergency call came from Habitha Lembas, Shorty’s mother, after she witnessed the same pothole swallowing a Mini Cooper some time later; she had not believed her daughter’s initial report that the street had “eaten Shorty.”

While she was on the line, Habitha reported watching a UPS delivery truck also vanish into the street.

Habitha then asked the police to excuse her, as she had to go see about an Amazon package she thought was being delivered by the truck.

Habitha and her husband Larry Lembas declined to comment for this article. The Paroder got the scoop from Shorty’s seven-year-old sister, Dooey Lembas, spokeschild for Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

Dooey was the only kid in the neighborhood not crying. Instead, she was stomping around with a garden rake, wearing a too-large football helmet and a toy shield. Her knees were bleeding from an attempt to dive into the pothole to save her brother.

“This is all my fault,” said Dooey. “I threw the Frisbee too high on purpose. It’s this joke we have, because Shorty’s so, ya know, short. And like, it’s funny, you know? Except this time, it wasn’t funny.”

Dooey said she saw her brother fall and, after waiting a few seconds for him to get up, ran over to help. When she arrived at the edge of the pothole, he was nowhere to be seen.

Dooey said her parents thought Shorty was just playing his favorite game – hiding from them – and started hunting for him. That’s when she took it upon herself to go after her brother, but she said she was unable to get the pothole to “open up” again.

“Mom stopped me from going in after the UPS truck,” Dooey said. “I’m keeping an eye on it, though. I’ll do whatever it takes to get Shorty back. Sure, he goes to Captain America’s, but he’s still family. I have eight brothers, and I’d do the same for any of them.”

Dooey was then discovered and dragged away by her parents, who again declined to comment for this article.

A contractor is now attempting to patch the pothole. However, the hole seems to have no bottom and simply continues to swallow the cement. More on this flagrant defiance of the laws of physics as it develops.

The Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) has offered to put up the whole neighborhood free of charge until this issue is resolved. Please note that Achey Cedars Way is closed to all traffic. Residents are reminded that yellow “DO NOT CROSS” tape should not be crossed.

This story is a parody. Read the original article in the Cohasset Mariner.