Fauxhasset Paroder, 105th Edition: Kings and paupers

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

If you thought sending your kids to college was expensive, try surviving October on Fuglyoaks Lane, where one family just had their Lamborghini repossessed to cover past debts from handing out king-sized candy bars on Halloween.

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Those governmental gluttons! | Artwork by Andrew Jerz

Outsiders may look at Fauxhasset and think we have it all, but it’s not so easy living here. One cannot simply not have a boat or leave empty spaces in the four-car garage or wear cheap Fae Jewelers diamonds. One does not have a summer home on Bicep Beach or a ski chalet up in New Vermaine. One has both, or neither. And if your mansion in Fauxhasset is your only place of residence, you might as well pack up and move to Proxituate.

Above and beyond these hardships, the residents of Fuglyoaks Lane feel they have been dealt an extra-unfair hand. According to the bylaws, residents of this neighborhood must provide at least one king-size candy bar “or appropriate festive equivalent” to each trick-or-treater on Oct. 31.

“No other neighborhood is legally obligated to bankrupt themselves on Halloween,” said longtime Fuglyoaks resident Sean McJeffrey. “I made it my 2018 resolution to stop complaining and actually do something about it this year, and the whole neighborhood agrees with me!”

“The town is forcing us to choose someone else’s kids over our own,” said Martin Thimble next door. “We’re all sick of it, but Sean was the only one brave enough to put his neck out for the rest of us. I think watching that Lamborghini get towed really broke something inside of him.”

McJeffrey recalls growing up in the neighborhood in the 1970s, back in the good old days when residents willingly went above and beyond for Halloween. It all began as a friendly competition, he said. He remembers his mother hand-dipping 500 candy apples one year in an effort to outdo Mrs. Frescott next door, who had let it slip that she would be giving out break-and-bake chocolate chip cookies.

Once the distribution of king-sized candy bars was codified into law in 1982, the holiday became so hard on folks that many had to move out. Some could not even afford to stay in one of Fauxhasset’s less disadvantaged neighborhoods. McJeffrey said the real estate market became a bit of a revolving door, with newcomers quickly moving out when they discovered just how expensive one holiday could be.

“When I was a kid, this neighborhood was like a family, but now I barely know the people living next door,” McJeffrey said, gesturing at Thimble. “This guy’s got a great lawn, but I don’t even know his name. The bylaw has bankrupted so much more than our bank accounts. It’s bankrupted our souls.”

The neighborhood has petitioned the Town to either rescind the bylaw or provide a tax credit to help lessen the impact of this exorbitant tradition. If they don’t get their way, residents plan to spend Halloween distributing eggs and instructions for kids to throw them at the Temple.

“We’re willing to work with these folks,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “We don’t appreciate them resorting to childish threats. Let’s have a civilized dialogue about this and bring it to the Semiannual Town Séance in November. They could have their tax credit as soon as next year.”

That’s not soon enough for the people of Fuglyoaks Lane, who say they have suffered under this unjust requirement for decades now, watching the law rip homes and families apart.

“We don’t need a solution next year,” said Thimble. “We need one now. Halloween is just weeks away. Even one more family lost is too many.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 41st Edition: What the cup?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The town is in an uproar over Mooncheddar’s new spring coffee cups.

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They’re calling these “Easter cups?” At least the red cups evoked imagery of the blood of Christ. Photo credit

Customers leaving the drive-through Friday morning found that their coffee had been handed to them in an unadorned, pastel yellow, green, or turquoise cup instead of the usual white cup emblazoned with Mooncheddar’s iconic green logo, which features a Pegasus flying to the moon.

The Paroder caught up with some dissatisfied customers who had gone to the trouble of parking their cars and storming into the café to demand an exchange.

“Look at this cup! Do you see any bunnies on this cup?” said one customer, whose fingernails had been manicured to look like Easter eggs. “The Easter cups always have pictures of bunnies and flowers and little baby chicks hatching out of eggs. Mooncheddar is clearly waging war on Easter.”

Other customers agreed with her.

“It’s this ‘political correctness’ bullsh—t that’s taken over the country,” said a grizzly, bearded old man. “Can’t even wish somebody a happy Easter without the PC police coming to call. These damn millennials and their safe spaces.”

Deacon Mooney of the last remaining Christian church in Fauxhasset was found weeping softly in the corner as he prayed the rosary.

“I don’t have a problem with them getting rid of the bunnies,” said Mooney. “All that stuff is just a pagan distraction from the true meaning of Easter.”

“But if they wanted to make a point,” said Mooney, “they should have depicted Christ on the cross, his tears mingling with blood from the wound in his side. Two thieves, nailed to crosses on either side of him. Or Christ emerging from the grave, holes still in his hands, but radiant and victorious as his followers weep and fall to their knees in worship. Now that’s messaging.”

Nom Chompsky, town glutton, could be seen at the next table, collecting everyone’s rejected coffees and chugging his way through the ever-growing collection of pastel cups.

“This is my 19th free coffee today,” Chompsky declared. “I don’t care what color cup it’s in; I’m just thankful the Lord has chosen to bless me with caffeine for another day.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 18th Edition: Man in red, dead?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Santa was spotted jumping off the Hoarder Street Bridge in the days following Christmas.

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The photographer, of course, called the cops FIRST and took this picture SECOND, as any good Samaritan would. Courtesy photo via Russ Bonetti

Moments later – “as if in a movie,” said witnesses – the spacecraft that appeared during the Christmas Eve parade rose up from below to catch him. The alien calmly stepped into a hatch and the ship “enveloped him,” said witnesses, “like a mother and her prodigal son.” The craft reportedly rose straight into the sky and zipped off into the distance without a sound.

Police and the Paroder arrived on the scene shortly after in response to calls about a “Santa suicide.”

But officers had barely had time to take down witnesses’ names and observations before the spacecraft reappeared, just as silently as it had left, and the Alien Santa stepped back out onto the bridge with his arms full of Cop & GOP grocery bags.

“Ho ho ho,” he said by way of greeting.

Police Chief Stephen Quill didn’t miss a beat. “ϨΔиϮα!” he said. “We thought you’d skipped town without saying goodbye.”

The man in red grinned widely and seemed to ponder this. “Would that have been rude?” he finally asked, still grinning.

“Well,” said Quill, “we’re pretty friendly around here. Don’t be afraid to say ‘hi’ or ‘bye’ as you’re coming and going, that’s all.”

“I have noted this duly,” said the alien. “But fear not; I shall never ‘skip town,’ for Fauxhasset is the most perfect place in the universe!”

“It sure is,” agreed Quill. “Have a great night, Mr. Claus.”

Police dispersed the crowd of onlookers attracted by the bright lights of the spacecraft. The craft parked itself in the satellite lot for the night, but police noted that this would only work as a short-term solution – the satellite lot, as we all know, is reserved for employees, not for spaceships.

Quill said he’d mention the shortage of spacecraft parking at the Assembly of Chosen’s next Marathon of Remarks.

The man who’d called the police was the last to leave the scene. When asked by the Paroder for a comment, he just shook his head and said, “I can’t believe Santa shops at Cop & GOP. He seemed like such a socialist.”