Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Teens’ noses clean

Dear Editor,

Although we are no longer legal citizens of the Town of Fauxhasset, having seceded from the United States of America under the presidency of Jimmy Garoppolo on January 20, 2017, the students of the Fenclave felt that we must make our voices heard on an important matter that concerns both your town and our independent nation-state. We hope you will accept our correspondence.

A letter to the editor in last week’s edition of the Paroder (“Demons? Aliens? No, just teenagers”) was extremely accusatory toward the youth of Fauxhasset. “A Concerned Citizen” blamed us for the vandalism appearing on various private properties throughout your town. Nothing could be further from the truth.

teenangel

Our students are angels, every last one. Photo credit

We may have chosen to follow a different path from the rest of Fauxhasset and America, but that doesn’t mean we have any less love and respect for the community where we grew up. We owe everything to you – our parents, neighbors, grocers, exorcists, and astral realignment therapists. We would not be who we are today without you.

And just who exactly are we, you might ask? We’re still figuring that out. And believe us, it’s a full-time job. We’re still writing our constitution, deciding how to set up our government, and building a basic economy, all while providing essential health, sanitary, and quality-of-life services. Everyone is pitching in. Everyone has a job to do. We don’t have time for petty crime.

Shannon Blackstone, self-appointed Speaker of the House, would like to add: “We didn’t paint on your stupid condos, okay? Who even is Lame Jane, anyway, and if she’s so lame, why would we be hanging out with her? This is total fake news.”

If one of our number did somehow manage to make a side hustle of juvenile delinquency, rest assured that our government, fledgling though it might be, would be deporting them back to their country of origin ASAP. It’s not that we wish their poor behavior on you. It’s just that we don’t have a justice system yet. Or a jail.

In conclusion, we would appreciate if the elder generations in town would not ascribe blame to us just because we are young, listen to different music, and use our “cordless telephones” as flashlights.

Instead, please consider partnering with some of our students. We have an eighth-grader who’s already studying forensics and has even written some of her own software. Two of our sophomores – twins – have a profound psychic sensitivity and may be of use to your investigation. The school resource officer has begun training a small police force, which is at your disposal, should you wish to work with us rather than against us in this matter.

Thank you for your time. Sincerely,

Zane Harris
Fenclave Vice President