Fauxhasset Paroder, 90th Edition: Go with the Flow

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Galaneia’s Grotto, the underwater yoga studio that replaced the zero-gravity studio Infinity Yoga after the black hole in the harbor collapsed, has had to expand its hours to remain open 24/7 to keep up with demand for its gentle flow yoga classes.

Owner Rainbow Moon said it was a difficult decision. “I know as well as anybody in Fauxhasset that nothing good happens after 8:00 p.m.,” Moon told the Paroder. “I did not take this decision lightly.”

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After much consultation with higher powers, Moon said she reached the conclusion that it would be in the best interest of the community to keep the studio open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for as long as everyone in town is stuck being old.

“I consulted with Poseidon, ascended through five circles of heaven to ask for guidance, and spent many hours in meditative discussion with my business loan officer before concluding that this would serve both the community and my bottom line,” said Moon.

She said that the gentle flow yoga has been in demand because of its focus on slowly stretching and breathing, perfect for creaky old bodies – especially ones that were neither creaky nor old just a couple of months back.

“It’s been a difficult transition for the whole town,” Moon said. “We at Galaneia’s Grotto hope to make it flow a little smoother for everyone.”

Before a typical class at the Grotto, practitioners can be seen preparing their bodies and minds on the docks and beaches surrounding the harbor. Moon explained that they are working toward a meditative state where it is no longer necessary for them to breathe oxygen.

This, she said, is necessary because the Grotto is not a physical structure that would protect practitioners from the water; it is simply a name for the section of the harbor floor where classes are held. Therefore, students must tap into their primordial instincts for breathing underwater if they wish to fully participate.

Those who achieve the appropriate mindset during the session, Moon said, are selected and ceremoniously submerged by the enigmatic instructor Misty Hafgufa, an individual described by students as having seven limbs and often using the catchphrase, “Let’s get kraken!”

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Assistant yoga instructor Lyngbakrita Ness demonstrates an underwater sun salute. | Photo credit

Students sometimes disappear for just minutes, sometimes for hours, and even, on occasion, for more than a day. All, however, have returned in good health – indeed, in better health than before. However, none will speak of the events that transpired while they were underwater.

Anyone with information on this matter is encouraged to reach out to the Paroder. Anonymous tips are also welcome.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 50th Edition: Screaming into the Void

After months of people screaming into the void, the void has reportedly started screaming back.

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It never ends, and just like your SnapChat photos, your screams never truly disappear. Photo credit

The black hole in the harbor has made a fitting receptacle for the public’s existential despair since it opened in late February. For four months, residents have been screaming their grievances into the singularity, never to be heard by anyone on Earth… or so they thought.

But now the black hole is regurgitating their cries, and not everyone likes what it’s saying.

“…GREG’s always on my case…”

“…JELAMENA-8…”

“…still haven’t made any friends, and Jimmy doesn’t…”

“…proposing to Monica today…”

“REPENT!”

“…Shorty? Shorty, are you…”

“…got to move on Achey Cedars…”

And those are just the confessions. The vortex has also been coughing up tweets, which are well known for their propensity to slip into the void.

 

“The statements I made to the black hole were made in confidence,” said one resident, who wished to remain anonymous. “This is a violation of confidentiality laws.”

Local attorney David Osiris said that the black hole couldn’t possibly be violating confidentiality laws. No one was paying it for these alleged “therapy sessions,” and therefore there was no physician-patient privilege to uphold.

“People don’t even know if these so-called ‘therapy sessions’ were mutually consensual,” said Osiris. “Maybe the void didn’t want their screams. If anyone has a case here, I’d say it’s the black hole.”

When the anonymous plaintiff heard this, they amended, “Well, at the very least it’s a violation of trust and extremely unfair.”

Oh honey. Welcome to the universe.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 43rd Edition: Stay trashy, Fauxhasset

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Attention, all Fauxhasset residents: the transfer station and boutique have been relocated to the harbor, where employees are taking advantage of the strange metaphysical properties of the black hole that was accidentally opened during routine dredging of the harbor.

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No more landfills! Hmm, wonder where all that trash is going…. Oh well; not our problem. Photo credit

Now more than ever, it is critical that you utilize the designated blue trash bags for all waste. Glass recyclables should be placed in a yellow bag, metal in red, and plastic in black. Bring organic waste such as lawn cuttings, banana peels, and dog poop in one of the town’s official organic hemp bags.

Be sure to separate “tech trash” such as batteries, printer cartridges, printers, computer monitors, and hadron colliders into the official white bags. Note that relics such as typewriters, corded telephones, and fax machines should be brought to the Historical Society, not the transfer station.

If you do not color code your waste and recyclables, the black hole will not know how to process them. So please be diligent about using only the official bags designated by the town, which are available for purchase at the transfer station as well as the Cop & GOP and Gnaws grocery stores.

As for the boutique, it has been replaced by a cosmic swap shop. Simply throw your undesired household items into the black hole (without a bag!) to receive a mystery item in return.

Two Men threw in the couch Their Dog had chewed up and received 99 red balloons from the vortex. Shannon Blackstone, a sophomore at the Fenclave, trashed her ex-boyfriend’s hoodie and went home with a large brass pocket watch, ticking backwards. Ben Bentley, the richest man in town, traded his six unwanted Porsches for six small, crystalline dice with strange, fluctuating symbols on their 20 faces.

Note that the black hole is unable to process the following: unpaid bills, old love letters, ’90s pop CDs, hopes, dreams, small children, teenagers, or spouses. The Town regrets any inconvenience.