Fauxhasset Paroder, 102nd Edition: Unsafe Harbor

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Town has contracted with Portentous Development to revitalize the harbor business district in Ord Girdlehyde’s extended absence. Girdlehyde has been cryogenically frozen at the Self Storage Center since the Oldpocalpyse, and voters agreed that we should keep him there – so for the rest of us, it’s time to start thinking about what will become of his harbor properties while he’s taking the big ice nap.

Girdlehyde owns almost every business-zoned property along Fauxhasset’s waterfront, including the Mad Elephant Hotel, upscale waterfront dining destination Ye Olde Pepper Mill, wedding destination Pacifica, and tapas restaurant Zephyr, which may or may not still be in business – since Girdlehyde took ownership three years back, no one has been able to discern whether Zephyr has regular operating hours or, indeed, any operating hours at all.

Jonah Jinxson, a Portentous managing partner, told the Paroder that the facilities in the harbor business district are clearly suffering from “failed business models.” Redeveloping the district would increase vitality of the area and provide greater access for both residents and visitors, he said. Not to mention improving the aesthetics of the harbor, which hasn’t been the same since Father Timeraptor tore down the sky earlier this summer.

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Careful, lady. The harbormaster’s not coming after you if you fall in there. | Photo credit

Ideally, said Jinxson, the future harbor would include residential facilities interspersed with businesses. However, according to the bylaws, voters would first have to approve of an “overlay district” that would permit both businesses and residences to exist in the same space.

Neighbors, however, wouldn’t call such an arrangement “ideal” at all.

“This is a quiet neighborhood,” said one resident. “Think of the traffic. Think of the parking. Think of the children! Yes, we live on Unpleasant Street, but the name is supposed to be ironic. Jinxson and Portentous are outsiders; they don’t understand.”

Jinxson urged residents not to be afraid of change. “Sometimes the old ways have to die in order for something better to be born,” Jinxson said. “Entrust your harbor to us, and we will make it a shining phoenix, rising from the ashes.”

 

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 90th Edition: Go with the Flow

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Galaneia’s Grotto, the underwater yoga studio that replaced the zero-gravity studio Infinity Yoga after the black hole in the harbor collapsed, has had to expand its hours to remain open 24/7 to keep up with demand for its gentle flow yoga classes.

Owner Rainbow Moon said it was a difficult decision. “I know as well as anybody in Fauxhasset that nothing good happens after 8:00 p.m.,” Moon told the Paroder. “I did not take this decision lightly.”

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After much consultation with higher powers, Moon said she reached the conclusion that it would be in the best interest of the community to keep the studio open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for as long as everyone in town is stuck being old.

“I consulted with Poseidon, ascended through five circles of heaven to ask for guidance, and spent many hours in meditative discussion with my business loan officer before concluding that this would serve both the community and my bottom line,” said Moon.

She said that the gentle flow yoga has been in demand because of its focus on slowly stretching and breathing, perfect for creaky old bodies – especially ones that were neither creaky nor old just a couple of months back.

“It’s been a difficult transition for the whole town,” Moon said. “We at Galaneia’s Grotto hope to make it flow a little smoother for everyone.”

Before a typical class at the Grotto, practitioners can be seen preparing their bodies and minds on the docks and beaches surrounding the harbor. Moon explained that they are working toward a meditative state where it is no longer necessary for them to breathe oxygen.

This, she said, is necessary because the Grotto is not a physical structure that would protect practitioners from the water; it is simply a name for the section of the harbor floor where classes are held. Therefore, students must tap into their primordial instincts for breathing underwater if they wish to fully participate.

Those who achieve the appropriate mindset during the session, Moon said, are selected and ceremoniously submerged by the enigmatic instructor Misty Hafgufa, an individual described by students as having seven limbs and often using the catchphrase, “Let’s get kraken!”

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Assistant yoga instructor Lyngbakrita Ness demonstrates an underwater sun salute. | Photo credit

Students sometimes disappear for just minutes, sometimes for hours, and even, on occasion, for more than a day. All, however, have returned in good health – indeed, in better health than before. However, none will speak of the events that transpired while they were underwater.

Anyone with information on this matter is encouraged to reach out to the Paroder. Anonymous tips are also welcome.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 50th Edition: Screaming into the Void

After months of people screaming into the void, the void has reportedly started screaming back.

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It never ends, and just like your SnapChat photos, your screams never truly disappear. Photo credit

The black hole in the harbor has made a fitting receptacle for the public’s existential despair since it opened in late February. For four months, residents have been screaming their grievances into the singularity, never to be heard by anyone on Earth… or so they thought.

But now the black hole is regurgitating their cries, and not everyone likes what it’s saying.

“…GREG’s always on my case…”

“…JELAMENA-8…”

“…still haven’t made any friends, and Jimmy doesn’t…”

“…proposing to Monica today…”

“REPENT!”

“…Shorty? Shorty, are you…”

“…got to move on Achey Cedars…”

And those are just the confessions. The vortex has also been coughing up tweets, which are well known for their propensity to slip into the void.

 

“The statements I made to the black hole were made in confidence,” said one resident, who wished to remain anonymous. “This is a violation of confidentiality laws.”

Local attorney David Osiris said that the black hole couldn’t possibly be violating confidentiality laws. No one was paying it for these alleged “therapy sessions,” and therefore there was no physician-patient privilege to uphold.

“People don’t even know if these so-called ‘therapy sessions’ were mutually consensual,” said Osiris. “Maybe the void didn’t want their screams. If anyone has a case here, I’d say it’s the black hole.”

When the anonymous plaintiff heard this, they amended, “Well, at the very least it’s a violation of trust and extremely unfair.”

Oh honey. Welcome to the universe.