Fauxhasset Paroder, 50th Edition: Screaming into the Void

After months of people screaming into the void, the void has reportedly started screaming back.

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It never ends, and just like your SnapChat photos, your screams never truly disappear. Photo credit

The black hole in the harbor has made a fitting receptacle for the public’s existential despair since it opened in late February. For four months, residents have been screaming their grievances into the singularity, never to be heard by anyone on Earth… or so they thought.

But now the black hole is regurgitating their cries, and not everyone likes what it’s saying.

“…GREG’s always on my case…”

“…JELAMENA-8…”

“…still haven’t made any friends, and Jimmy doesn’t…”

“…proposing to Monica today…”

“REPENT!”

“…Shorty? Shorty, are you…”

“…got to move on Achey Cedars…”

And those are just the confessions. The vortex has also been coughing up tweets, which are well known for their propensity to slip into the void.

 

“The statements I made to the black hole were made in confidence,” said one resident, who wished to remain anonymous. “This is a violation of confidentiality laws.”

Local attorney David Osiris said that the black hole couldn’t possibly be violating confidentiality laws. No one was paying it for these alleged “therapy sessions,” and therefore there was no physician-patient privilege to uphold.

“People don’t even know if these so-called ‘therapy sessions’ were mutually consensual,” said Osiris. “Maybe the void didn’t want their screams. If anyone has a case here, I’d say it’s the black hole.”

When the anonymous plaintiff heard this, they amended, “Well, at the very least it’s a violation of trust and extremely unfair.”

Oh honey. Welcome to the universe.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 43rd Edition: Stay trashy, Fauxhasset

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Attention, all Fauxhasset residents: the transfer station and boutique have been relocated to the harbor, where employees are taking advantage of the strange metaphysical properties of the black hole that was accidentally opened during routine dredging of the harbor.

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No more landfills! Hmm, wonder where all that trash is going…. Oh well; not our problem. Photo credit

Now more than ever, it is critical that you utilize the designated blue trash bags for all waste. Glass recyclables should be placed in a yellow bag, metal in red, and plastic in black. Bring organic waste such as lawn cuttings, banana peels, and dog poop in one of the town’s official organic hemp bags.

Be sure to separate “tech trash” such as batteries, printer cartridges, printers, computer monitors, and hadron colliders into the official white bags. Note that relics such as typewriters, corded telephones, and fax machines should be brought to the Historical Society, not the transfer station.

If you do not color code your waste and recyclables, the black hole will not know how to process them. So please be diligent about using only the official bags designated by the town, which are available for purchase at the transfer station as well as the Cop & GOP and Gnaws grocery stores.

As for the boutique, it has been replaced by a cosmic swap shop. Simply throw your undesired household items into the black hole (without a bag!) to receive a mystery item in return.

Two Men threw in the couch Their Dog had chewed up and received 99 red balloons from the vortex. Shannon Blackstone, a sophomore at the Fenclave, trashed her ex-boyfriend’s hoodie and went home with a large brass pocket watch, ticking backwards. Ben Bentley, the richest man in town, traded his six unwanted Porsches for six small, crystalline dice with strange, fluctuating symbols on their 20 faces.

Note that the black hole is unable to process the following: unpaid bills, old love letters, ’90s pop CDs, hopes, dreams, small children, teenagers, or spouses. The Town regrets any inconvenience.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 39th Edition: Yoga of the Future

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

From Acro to Zen, the local yoga scene offers a veritable buffet of styles. But what’s left to do once you’ve tried Hatha, Restorative, Bikram, and Vinyasa? When the novelty has worn off bare, beach, and midnight yoga? When dance yoga, combat yoga, and deep-sea yoga might as well be Yin, for all the excitement you get from them?

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When beach yoga just isn’t stretching you enough, that’s the universe telling you it’s time to try Infinity Yoga! [Photo via Pixabay.com]

Look no further than Infinity Yoga, the new studio on the harbor where dual-certified yogi astronauts are giving a whole new meaning to “anti-gravity yoga.”

“We have a very strong yoga family in this community – very strong, and very flexible,” said owner Rainbow Moon. “Our practitioners are willing to try anything and everything once, and that’s why we have so many successful studios in town.”

“But here at Infinity Yoga,” said Moon, “we’re pioneering something that’s never been done before. You didn’t see it first in New York or L.A. or even India. You saw it right here in Fauxhasset.”

That’s because Fauxhasset has something that New York, L.A., and India don’t: its very own black hole. Contractors accidentally tore the rift in the space-time continuum during routine harbor dredging and it has now drained the shallows as well as swallowing all the town’s lobster boats and moorings.

But on the bright side, the harbor channel is no longer blocked, and the incident opened the door for Moon to achieve her Goddess-given purpose in life: to create the yoga of the future.

Moon hired NASA scientists to suspend her zero-gravity studio just above the black hole. Due to the singularity’s effects on space-time, the studio is only intermittently visible, and a deep meditative state must be achieved before students can enter.

“It’s unreal,” said one practitioner after class. “It’s like you pass through this wall of light and noise, and it just gets brighter and brighter, louder and louder, and then – absolute dark. Absolute silence. Then, you start to hear music and see lights around you. But it’s different for everyone.”

Some students claim to have seen visions triggered by the violent warping of space-time in the area. For Moon, that’s all part of the package.

“Yoga is supposed to stretch your mind,” said Moon. “If you see something incomprehensible and leave my studio weeping, that’s a gift from Goddess. You are blessed.

Even if you don’t hear from a higher power, Infinity Yoga can help you achieve a variety of goals.

Need to lose a little weight? Zero-gravity yoga is guaranteed to help. Step into the Infinity studio and you will instantly weigh 100 percent less than you did before arriving.

Need to rise above all those little stresses that pepper your work and home life? Leave your problems at the door, confined by the archaic laws of physics, and just let yourself go. You deserve it.

 

***If you found your way here via the April Fool’s post on the Cohasset Mariner website, thanks for clicking through! I hope this story brightened your day. For more like this, please subscribe by clicking the “Follow” button in the right hand column. I post 1-2 local satire pieces a week!***