Fauxhasset Paroder, 104th Edition: GREG shakes Town’s tree over foliage

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

For the first time in living memory, the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is upset about something being green – and members are so concerned that the two factions of the divided committee have started speaking to one another again.

The committee split after the trees went missing last winter. Half of the members claimed the trees were angry and urged citizens to repent, while the other half clamored to set up solar panels across town. As the invisible trunks and branches filled with leaves this past spring, the warring contingents still could not agree on the cause or a course of action.

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GREG wants to bring back tree trunks and seasonal foliage. | Photo credit

Now, the Solar and Repent factions are working toward a common goal: to trigger the change of seasons while there’s still time to get a nice fall foliage display.

“If we wait too long, we’ll just skip straight to winter, and nobody wants that,” said Sunny More, Grand Corona of the Solar Faction. “We’d love to avoid That Season altogether. But my faction feels – and even those Repentrists agree – that it just isn’t natural for summer to last forever. It’s time for fall – and in the fall, the leaves must fall.”

“This is exactly the opportunity we’ve been waiting for,” said Sam Bombadil, Great Green Thumb of the Repent faction, in a post to the community Facebook group. “If we can show the trees we’re sorry for messing up the natural cycle of seasons, then everything can go back to normal.”

GREG is working to coordinate a repentance ceremony, but public reception has been mixed.

“Why would we ever want to be normal?” wrote one resident in response to GREG’s Facebook post. “The whole reason we live here is because we’re better than that.”

“GREG was happy when the tree trunks disappeared, and now they want to get rid of the leaves, too,” wrote another. “What is their real goal? When will it stop? We’ve already lost the sky above the harbor. We, as a town, need to put our foot down about this before it spirals out of control.”

Another conspiracy theorist has a simpler hypothesis: It all comes down to money.

“Do you have any idea how much money the Town was making in fines off that Scenic Photography Bylaw?” he said. “No foliage, no photos; no photos, no fines. It’s clear they’ve finally done the math and found the budget coming up short. This is a thinly-veiled attempt to increase revenue before reporting the numbers at the Semi-Annual Town Séance in November.”

Police Chief Stephen Quill, whose department enforces the bylaw, called this claim “patently false.”

“If we needed to collect more fines, we would just stop using the car vaporizer and start handing out parking tickets again, like every other town,” Quill said. “GREG is just trying to do what’s best for Fauxhasset and its environment. Anyone saying otherwise needs to step back and look at the bigger picture – and that’s the only picture anyone should be looking at this fall!”

 

Money just might grow on trees if Fauxhasset police get their way.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 98th Edition: Is the Drinking Water a Problem?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A tsunami rolled through town on Thursday. It’s still here today, and officials are no closer to knowing what to do about it than they were five days ago.

The Assembly of Chosen says it’s not their problem; rogue waves fall under the jurisdiction of GOSH, the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor. But GOSH says the tsunami is not threatening the ocean, shore or harbor, so it’s not their problem, either.

The Panic Brigade said the localized flooding doesn’t meet the threshold for panicking. Police said their authority does not extend to acts of God. Meanwhile, the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is just hoping this might finally wash all that glitter out of the water supply once and for all.

The Water Department also denied responsibility. “It’s not drinking water,” specified Water Commissioner Golf Rusteby.

Daniel Jack, son of Jamie and general manager of local Irish pub Fooley’s, begged to differ. “That water has been drinking at my establishment since it arrived,” said Jack. “It is most definitely drinking water.”

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The Paroder shared a couple of beers with Johnny, and he seems like a solid guy. As solid as liquid can be, anyway. | Photo credit

The only ones taking any responsibility at all are the apostles of the late Father Mumblehill, who claim that the tsunami would have been much bigger – indeed, apocalyptically bigger – if not for their prayer and petitions on behalf of the town.

“That’s apocalypse number 217 successfully averted,” said Ezekiel Henderson, one of Mumblehill’s protégés. “You’re welcome, Fauxhasset.”

Over at Fooley’s, Jack said he can’t complain: even though the extremely localized tsunami has flooded his establishment, it does not seem to get drunk no matter how much alcohol it consumes, so the profit of keeping this loyal patron happy will surely outweigh the expense of the damage it causes.

In fact, many local businesses are fans of Fauxhasset’s newest resident, which apparently answers to “Johnny.” The insurance agencies love him, since everywhere he goes, property owners are sure to call and cash in on their policies soon after.

For instance, the luxury condos at 8 Lame Jane’s have once again been leveled thanks to a visit from Johnny. Contractors say that re-re-rebuilding the units will give the local economy a nice boost.

The Water Commission agreed that Johnny’s arrival might be in the community’s best interest. “Drinking water or not,” said Rusteby, “if Johnny raises the water table even a smidge, people might stop wasting our town’s resources on their brown lawns. And I would drink to that!”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 82nd Edition: How can we miss you if you won’t leave?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Spring has truly sprung in Fauxhasset. Thanks to the impostor groundhog Fauxsutawney Fil’s gift of eternal summer, the town skipped over April showers and went straight to May flowers, with crocuses breaking through the melting snow as early as mid-February.

Soon, the daffodils and hyacinths followed; then the tulips. But now, as the tough, early flowers give way to the full palette of spring, something strange and frightening is happening: the leaves are coming in.

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Grand Corona Sunny More said the solar forests installed by GREG were working fine “until all these leaves started throwing shade.” | Photo credit

This would not be alarming, except that the town misplaced every one of its trees back in January and has yet to determine where they went. There are no trunks or branches supporting these leaves. They’re just floating up there, growing thicker and greener by the day.

GREG, the Green and Renewable Energy Group, has mixed feelings about the development. The committee split after the trees went missing, with half of its members claiming the trees were angry and urging citizens to repent, and half of them clamoring to set up solar panels across town.

The “repent” faction is in good spirits and says the trees are on the brink of forgiving us for whatever we did that angered them.

“Once they’re back, we’re going to have a very serious sit-down with them to find out what it was so we don’t do it again,” said Sam Bombadil, Great Green Thumb of the committee. “After our ceremonial watering festival, of course, which is to thank the trees for their awesome patience and benevolence.”

The “solar energy” faction is not as happy.

“We spent a lot of people’s tax dollars putting in these solar panels, and soon they’ll be useless,” said Sunny More, the committee’s Grand Corona. “It’s become very wasteful. We’re looking into options for clearing the leaves so we can continue to harvest the sun’s glorious golden energy, but so far everyone is telling us they can only remove leaves if they are attached to branches.”

Bombadil was appalled when he heard of More’s plan. “These are trees!” he protested. “They have feelings! Does she want to anger them more?”

“These aren’t trees,” More told the Paroder. “They’re just leaves, like you’d find on your lawn in the fall. Would any one of you leave piles of leaves on your lawn all winter? I didn’t think so.”

The Paroder reached out to local philosopher the Origami Swami for clarity on this issue.

“The question,” he said, “is how much of a tree is needed to constitute a tree? In other words, wherein lies the soul of the tree? Is it in the leaves? The trunk? The branches? Or are all three required?”

“If one finds a stick on the ground,” said the Origami Swami, “one does not say, ‘Ah! See here, I have found a small tree.’ And a tree is still a tree in the winter, when its leaves have fallen. So it would seem that the soul of a tree is in its trunk.”

“Therefore,” he concluded, “it would not be harmful to the tree to remove these leaves. However, as the leaves seem to be growing in the normal way of leaves, it seems clear that they are still a living thing, albeit one we do not understand. It is never wise to harm a living thing – especially one we do not understand.”