By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
For the first time in living memory, the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is upset about something being green – and members are so concerned that the two factions of the divided committee have started speaking to one another again.
The committee split after the trees went missing last winter. Half of the members claimed the trees were angry and urged citizens to repent, while the other half clamored to set up solar panels across town. As the invisible trunks and branches filled with leaves this past spring, the warring contingents still could not agree on the cause or a course of action.
Now, the Solar and Repent factions are working toward a common goal: to trigger the change of seasons while there’s still time to get a nice fall foliage display.
“If we wait too long, we’ll just skip straight to winter, and nobody wants that,” said Sunny More, Grand Corona of the Solar Faction. “We’d love to avoid That Season altogether. But my faction feels – and even those Repentrists agree – that it just isn’t natural for summer to last forever. It’s time for fall – and in the fall, the leaves must fall.”
“This is exactly the opportunity we’ve been waiting for,” said Sam Bombadil, Great Green Thumb of the Repent faction, in a post to the community Facebook group. “If we can show the trees we’re sorry for messing up the natural cycle of seasons, then everything can go back to normal.”
GREG is working to coordinate a repentance ceremony, but public reception has been mixed.
“Why would we ever want to be normal?” wrote one resident in response to GREG’s Facebook post. “The whole reason we live here is because we’re better than that.”
“GREG was happy when the tree trunks disappeared, and now they want to get rid of the leaves, too,” wrote another. “What is their real goal? When will it stop? We’ve already lost the sky above the harbor. We, as a town, need to put our foot down about this before it spirals out of control.”
Another conspiracy theorist has a simpler hypothesis: It all comes down to money.
“Do you have any idea how much money the Town was making in fines off that Scenic Photography Bylaw?” he said. “No foliage, no photos; no photos, no fines. It’s clear they’ve finally done the math and found the budget coming up short. This is a thinly-veiled attempt to increase revenue before reporting the numbers at the Semi-Annual Town Séance in November.”
Police Chief Stephen Quill, whose department enforces the bylaw, called this claim “patently false.”
“If we needed to collect more fines, we would just stop using the car vaporizer and start handing out parking tickets again, like every other town,” Quill said. “GREG is just trying to do what’s best for Fauxhasset and its environment. Anyone saying otherwise needs to step back and look at the bigger picture – and that’s the only picture anyone should be looking at this fall!”
Money just might grow on trees if Fauxhasset police get their way.